Little Stories 332 : The 60-days of Personal Moving Journal

I have approximately 45 days to clean up my stuff, fix things, and empty the apartment I’ve rented for the past 2 years and 6 months.

I wanted to document this long, slow process because I’m doing most of it alone while working full-time. Not because moving is particularly interesting, but because I know there will be times in the future when things get hard, and I’ll need to remember that I have survived hard things before.

This is an ode to myself.

Note: This is mostly a record of boxes, old books, IKEA furniture, Carousell buyers, things I couldn’t decide whether to keep, and the occasional minor crisis. Read only if you genuinely enjoy watching someone slowly dismantle her life one household item at a time.

—

1 Aug (Saturday): The moving boxes I ordered arrived: 10 big boxes, 10 medium boxes, and 5 small boxes. I used 9 medium-sized boxes just for my books, and another one for Sofi’s books. All the other books will be donated or recycled later.

The first thing I cleaned and organized was my books, because obviously they are my precious things. These boxes were so heavy, I can’t even.

—

2 Aug (Sunday): We cleaned up some of Sofi’s toys and put them in the biggest box so she could still access them if she needed anything. I also put some of her old toys up on Carousell, hoping someone would take them.

We later went out because my kitchen pipe broke and caused a mini flood. I was so demotivated afterwards that I just couldn’t do anything.

—

3 Aug (Monday): Working space. Important decisions needed to be made.

I have a LOT of small stuff on the wooden rack, so I had to decide what to keep, give away, and sell. Everything needed to be separated into categories. My workspace is now a mess.

Someone reserved my POÄNG chair. I cried a little in my heart because it was one of the first things I bought after I moved out.

—

4 Aug (Tuesday): The extra wooden working table from my workroom is now in the kitchen, ready for pickup. My brother reserved the wooden table and the fridge.

I had a headache and backache for almost a week. At one point, I almost spiralled. I think that was my quiet little proof that I wasn’t managing the stress particularly well. There was just too much stuff to think about, plan, move, sell, give away, clean, and somehow still do while working full-time.

—

7 Aug (Friday): Managed to sell another IKEA wooden rack, which meant I had to clear everything from the rack in the storeroom. During lunch hour, I cleared it, cleaned it, and disassembled it nicely. Both wooden racks are ready.

My storeroom, however, looked like a broken ship. I don’t have time to deal with that yet.

—

8 Aug (Saturday): Two buyers from Carousell came to pick up two IKEA wooden racks and the old printer.

I emptied the wooden IKEA drawer in the kitchen. A lot of stuff will be thrown away or donated. The drawer is now ready for sale.

I also cleared out two kitchen cabinets and realized that a surprising amount of my stuff came from my mom. I once told her I liked green, so she took that information and ran with it. Green knives. Green boards. Green bottles. Green containers. Green appliances. Everything green came from her.

The time when I had to ask for help: I asked my brother to help lift the first disassembled wooden rack and the printer down for the first customer. I asked Af to help lift another wooden rack later that afternoon.

—

9 Aug (Sunday): Today I cleaned Sofi’s drawer. The small or unused clothes went into a tote bag, while the rest were packed into a zipped bag. Her daily wear is now separated into a basket in the living room for easy access.

The drawer is empty and ready to sell.

I cleaned Sofi’s white-and-black portable board and my wooden book racks and put them up on Carousell.

I also disassembled all of Sofi’s LEGO from the TV racks and put them into their dedicated ziplock bags with the reference books.

—

10 Aug (Monday): Ma came by and picked up four wooden chairs and a bag of kain batiks. They were hers anyway.

—

11 Aug (Tuesday): Categorized more stuff because I need to know where everything is going once I move into the new, much smaller space. There will be no room for things I don’t actually use.

I still haven’t decided what to do with all my notebooks and stationery. This is becoming a serious emotional crisis.

—

12 Aug (Wednesday): Decision day. I had to use the RM10k Harvey Norman voucher, so I booked the kitchen hood and hob, a bigger fridge, washer, dryer, and air fryer. At least now I have the confirmed sizes for planning the new place.

My main excitement is the fridge.

I want to organize my fridge space like most moms in the world and actually plan my meals for the week so I will, in theory, remember to eat.

—

13 Aug (Thursday): Cleaned up more old books from the metal cabinet near the main door. They were mostly old comics and children’s books people had given me.

I need to let them go.

—

14 Aug (Friday): Today was an office day. We had lunch at PM and went to LL to recce an event space. Got home around 4-ish, completely exhausted and ready for the weekend. Sofi was with Af, so I had a very simple dinner.

I cleared up Sofi’s birthday tent, put all her birthday gifts into a box, then cleaned and folded the tent. I love that she is as organized as me.

Note: Need to plan a proper space for her in the new apartment. She needs that.

At 8 pm, I started cleaning the wet kitchen. I need to give away the portable gas stove, so I cleaned it. I also need to sell the used gas tank. Then I cleaned the stainless steel rack, washed the walls, and scrubbed the floor. My arms were burning.

I tried to contact Glow Recycle and set a date for them to collect all the old books. My sister reserved my old washing machine.

Note to myself: Take my chill drink and sleep it off. Mg.

—

15 Aug (Saturday): I cleaned some of my manga and put them up on Carousell, cleared Sofi’s stationery container and kitchen toys, packed my graphic novels, washed my bedsheets, and folded all the clothes.

I don’t think I did much today.

I’m a little stuck on what comes next.

—

16 Aug (Sunday): Organized, cleaned, and tied all the old comics, graphic novels, and children’s books into categories.

At first I thought I should send them to a recycling center or donate them somewhere, but I couldn’t manage all of that on my own. No one was available to help, and the center’s pickup required a minimum amount that made it worth their travel. So I changed the plan. I put everything up for free on Carousell, with pickup required. A lot of people were interested. Problem solved.

One customer asked if I had anything else I wanted to donate — kids’ clothes, unused toys, old clothes and shoes, pillows, food, skincare, anything.

So now the donation items are sorted too.

I started cleaning up the store a bit, and packed all my baju kurungs and winter attire into the big box.

—

18 Aug (Tuesday): Set customer pickups for the drawer and Sailor Moon manga after work.

The time when I had to ask for help: Asked my brother to lift the drawer down to the lobby and into the customer’s car because it was too heavy for me. I just can’t lift everything. And apparently, that is a fact I need to accept. I also borrowed his trolley, which is going to help a lot.

I need to seriously consider hiring movers with several workers to handle the heavy lifting. Part of me thinks I can just deal with everything myself and move quietly without telling anyone. I need to make that decision by the 20th because I need to book a date and submit the moving applications for both buildings.

Tentative moving date: 28/8.

Quick update: Someone wanted to buy the IKEA wooden table. He mentioned that it was for work, so I suggested that he take my working table as well for free, if he was willing to manage the lifting and pickup himself. He said yes!

That smart table is 5 years old. It was one of my investments in my workspace back then. But it is too heavy and too bulky for my small space. It is time to let it go.

Then all my need-to-go big items are sorted. Yeay! Except for the black bookshelves that Ma said she wanted. I need to ask the movers to deliver them to Nilai.

—

19 Aug (Wednesday): Aja came to pick up all the stuff I donated to The Plot. I used the trolley, so it was just one trip to the car! Went out for lunch afterwards, and Aja bought a chocolate cheese tart for me because I deserved the dairy fix (took lactase). I hadn’t taken a shower since last night. It was already 3 pm.

Af suggested going for a massage to deal with the pain between my shoulder blades, but I’m saving money for the renovation, the movers + workers, and the deposit for moving between the two apartments.

Note: I think my siblings set the dates to pick up the stuff because I’ve spiralled and said that was why I don’t ask people for stuff: no one plans, and everyone prefers last-minute, impromptu plans — which drives me crazy.

To manage my expectations, I listed all the Carousell customers’ details and contacts and double-confirmed when they would do the pickups so that I could manage my expectations and plan for my weekend instead of waiting.

I realize that this is how a project manager villain is born: by thinking ahead and making meticulous plans.

—

20 Aug (Thursday): The old albums and the wooden shelves are sorted.

Disassembled the wooden table that night.

—

21 Aug (Friday): Ma and my little sister came by to take a bunch of stuff that I’m sending to her house.

AR asked, “Aren’t you all excited for the new house and the planning?”

Not really. I am a creature of habit. I like things that are predictable, and this chaos is a very stressful time for me. I’m doing this moving thing alone, whether I like it or not. There are a lot of decisions, time, and money needed in this process.

I realized my limitations, and I am not excited about the moving part at all.

—

22 Aug (Saturday): Peak Carousell weekend. I met 5 people from Carousell today for a bunch of comics, a big collection of donated stuff (old clothes, toys, kids’ books), plastic trays, a kids’ easel, and wooden book stands.

It started at 8:30 am, and the last round was at 8:30 pm. I also did some cleanup in the storeroom and the old kitchen drawer (put it up on Carousell and already booked).

I decided to ask the owner to let me stay for another 2 weeks because my space was not ready. He said okay and confirmed the final move-out and handover date.

I have +15 days (60 moving days in total), so I could take a breather and chill a bit. But that adds $$ to my budget for the extension. The main issue here is that I’ve been paying for 2 apartments for several months, so I am bleeding money.

Buffer time is super stressful for me.

—

23 Aug (Sunday): 2 rounds of Carousell pickups. For this one, I had to ask for my brother’s help because it was table day and I needed manpower. I sold 1 wooden table and my POÄNG chair, and gave away one smart table.

I did no clean-ups today. I booked myself a nice upper-body massage in the afternoon because I worked hard this weekend. :F

I think, for now, all the stuff I have can fit in one big lorry, so I am super glad about the progress. I still need to consider booking 3–4 movers as well because I have a lot of heavy boxes but no manpower, so the pricing needs to be within my budget.

Downsizing has been a challenging and eye-opening experience.

—

25 Aug (Monday): Public Holiday!

I didn’t do much today. Cleaned my workroom: organized documents in their dedicated folders, separated stationery, pictures, and miscellaneous items. Also did some cleaning in the kitchen: separated unused items into a bag for donation, kept only the ones I’m going to use, washed dusty plates, and threw out a lot of containers.

—

31 Aug (Monday): Public Holiday!

Last weekend I went back to Ma’s because it had been almost a month since I last went, now that I had another 2 weeks of buffer time.

I slowly lifted all the boxes to the front door, cleaned both my bedside tables (and put them up on Carousell), washed my working chair, cleared the ceiling of dust, organized my skincare container, and did some house cleanup.

New tentative moving date: 17/9.

—

2 Sept (Wed): A student from UNITEN bought my Sunon working chair. He said he needed something proper for his studies instead of the metal chair provided at his campus. He came by early in the morning before class.

I found my TnG card back.

—

3 Sept (Thu): Today someone bought the dining table (or my work table for the past 2 weeks). So I moved my work table to my coffee table and am sitting on the floor for now.

The guy wanted the dining table, so I offered to give him the long bench as well (the bone is broken and needs a replacement). He agreed to take both. I took it apart after work, and he came over to pick it up later that night.

—

6 Sept (Sun): Someone bought the tabletop gas cooker and picked it up.

I cleared up the first space: the store. All the empty boxes, unused stuff, and my extra clothes rack. Now it is all empty, wiped, and clean. I’ll put all the packed kitchen stuff inside so it won’t take up space in the hall until the moving date.

First room done.

The 2nd space is the wet kitchen. I dragged out 2 kitchen racks and cleaned all the containers. Washed both racks and put one up on Carousell. Need to sort all the baskets and containers, considering I’ve never used them in the past 2 years.

Wet kitchen done. Just need to wash the floor after Aja takes the washing machine.

My brother asked why I’m not updating my blog: I have no mental space to write. I’m mostly stressed out about the cleaning and the moving. This post is ongoing, and I don’t have to do a lot of thinking because I’m just updating all the things that happened relating to the move.

I can’t wait for this chaos to be over.

—

13 Sept (Sun):

Pushed all the cabinets near the kitchen area, sealed all the boxes, and cleared up my workroom. I think I’m almost ready for the big move day.

I just need to clear the carpet, roll it up and tie it, and also clear the TV cabinet and push it towards the kitchen as well.

Prepared 2 suitcases: 1 for me, 1 for Sofi. Need to have sets of work, daily, gym clothes, pajamas, underwear, telekung, etc. Also separated my self-care stuff, work devices, important documents, etc. — all the stuff that I might need during my nomadic phase.

I also have a portable mini library, notebooks, and stationery in a medium-sized IKEA tote bag. I get nervous without my books, so it is important for me to bring book stocks.

—

14 Sept (Mon):

Someone contacted me this morning and said that she wanted the huge black bookcase. She paid and set the pickup for a few hours later.

The drama was them trying to move the bookcase out of the apartment and push it to the lift using my trolley. It took them a while because they weren’t professional movers. I had already reminded her several times that I couldn’t help because the bookcase was huge and heavy. She brought her husband and brother.

Carpet cleaned and rolled.

—

15 Sept (Tues):

Last-minute call: one returning customer came back and said that he wanted the 2 little side tables and another cabinet.

Yeay!

—

16 Sept (Wed): Malaysia Day Holiday

Busy day, busy day.

Aja booked Lalamove really early in the morning, and my brother helped me lift the 7-year-old washing machine down. I wanted caffeine to start the day, so we went to Destina and I had a matcha latte at Luckin (still for the RM3.99 promo). Slow energy, but enough to fuel my long, busy day.

By afternoon, I was back at the apartment, ready to start the work.

I cleaned and washed my wet kitchen. Cleared out my work table and put the coffee table aside for pickup tomorrow. Emptied my workspace (room number 2), put all the IKEA bags into the store (room number 3), and moved all the kitchen stuff there so it would be easy to categorize.

Pushed the sofa nearer to the door with all the big and heavy stuff. All the furniture and heavy boxes were in one space.

Miscellaneous items were still there but separated into one space.

My body was sore. I was physically tired.

—

17 Sept (Thu):

The big move.

The movers arrived early. I let them in, and they started their work at around 9:50 am. It took them around 30 minutes to pack all my stuff, and by 11:00 am we were at my new apartment. The unloading took another hour, and by 12:00 pm we were done!

We had lunch at IOI. I had to drop by Harvey Norman to confirm the date for the kitchen hob and hood.

—

18 Sept (Fri):

More small boxes arrived. I made the boxes and organized the miscellaneous items.

So now I have boxes for: Self-care Items, Sofi’s Everyday, Cleaning, Fixing, Devices, and Sofi’s Toys.

—

19 Sept (Sat): Rest Day.

Today was the day dedicated to resting. I went to Bangi for a skin treatment and, impromptu, walked to a spa I had been to before. I didn’t book it; I just walked in. I had a foot, back, head, and face massage for 1½ hours — a great deal for the RM100 promo, kan. It was boring, but my body was so tense that I knew I needed it. I tried my best to pay myself to relax, but I was just bored. My mind was too busy to relax. Hah hah hah.

I fell asleep when I got back.

Later that evening, Sofi was back. I made another impromptu plan and asked Ateeya to sleep over (their first and last sleepover at Sfera). We pushed the mattress to the hall and bought some night snacks as well. They managed to stay awake until 12 am.

—

20 Sept (Sun):

Ateeya was at home until almost noon, so I didn’t clean.

Today: 

• Repainted the wet kitchen. Tried touching up room 2, but my paint was too white, so there were obvious patches everywhere (it was the space I used the most). So I need to repaint the whole room.
• Cleaned the ceiling fans in the master bedroom and room 2.
• Took down my curtain in the master bedroom and put the owner’s curtain back. Tried to hand-wash my curtain, but it tore in places, so I guess it is time to throw it away.

—

Since 20th - 30th Sept:

• We did another round of sending the remaining to my new apt, sending the balance left-over at my brother's house, I repainted the room, threw stuffs, slept on the floor on a comforter in the hall, ate out daily, and handled little hiccups here and there.
• I stopped updating in the final 10 days because I was mostly waiting in the empty apartment. 
• Life was so bare in that phase; I missed Sofi most of the time, I missed home-cooked meal, I missed my routine. I was just exhausted and just wanted it to be over. 
• Passed the key to the agent on the 30th and said goodbye to the apartment.  

—

Throughout this journey: I’ve almost spiralled once, cried 5 times, ugly-cried 1 time, received probably around RM 800 from selling/giving away my stuff, and spent more time planning than moving itself.

I realized that the fear of having too many items came from situations like this: knowing I had to rely on myself, being physically incapable of lifting anything too heavy, and having to ask for people’s help.

Having to deal with this for the second time used a lot of my mental and physical energy, but I did it anywayyyyyyy. I now deserve a peaceful and calm rest.

I want to thank my brother for lending his manpower when needed, teman makan, letting me stay-over; Af for lending his ears, taking care of Sofi on the weekends, and also lending some of his manpower when I didn’t have any other option; and mostly to me, for dealing with this better than I expected. Pat pat. 

Little Stories 332: The Weight of Things

For the past five weeks, I’ve been cleaning up the apartment for the upcoming move. I’ve disassembled a lot of furniture, sold and given away a lot of things through Carousell; more than 25 items by today, organized and scheduled countless pickups, moved and lifted a lot of boxes, filled out a lot of forms, and booked a lot of dates. I usually do the organizing and schedule the pickups at night after work or during the weekend.

I cried four times, had brunch with a friend once, went back to Nilai once, visited the Light Fest at MAHA during the school holidays, and prepared a lot of slides for the ADLP programme happening this week. I don’t really read anymore. I listen to audiobooks; the easy ones, mostly, just to keep myself entertained when I have the mental space for it. I do a lot of planning in my head. There are lists everywhere; in my Notes, in my planner, in my iCal and there are always decisions that I have to make.

The big thing is the moving. The messy thing is the downsizing.

I had to let go of a LOT of stuff because I’m moving into a smaller space. I had to be completely brutal with myself and strip everything down to the core things I actually need. So a lot of old furniture was sold, and a lot of things were donated or given away. I didn’t even give myself time to grieve the things I was letting go of; things I had accumulated over the years with my own hard-earned money.

The wooden table I bought in 2013, when I rented my first space.

The work table and ergonomic chair I bought in 2021, when I kept having body aches from working.

The cheap mattress I bought just to replace the really old one I’d had for the longest time. The cheap mattress was so springy that every time Sofi moved, I would wake up annoyed.

The two side tables I repainted. They were also from way back in 2013. 

The wooden racks, the kitchen cabinet, the drawers, the racks, the toys.

I remember the stories behind these things because they came into my life slowly, over the years. And now they’re gone. I’m grieving for my old life.

The move feels bigger than I intended.

Note: I've been taking note of all the things that happened since 1st of Aug, because that's the only thing that I can write. I will post it as a 60-days moving journal, for my note-keeping. Other than that, I'll probably save my mental space until the moving and renovating is over. 

I know you'll miss me, xoxo gossip girl.

Little Stories 331: Between Books and Boxes

Books, series & movies:  

Seven completely different voices, seven different ways of seeing the world:

• The Wilderness by Ayşegül Savaş : New motherhood, Turkish writer, quiet literary fiction
• Elena Knows by Claudia Piñeiro : Murder mystery, disability, Argentine writer
• Yesteryear by Caro Claire Burke : Religious extremism, psychological descent, moral ambiguity
• All the Way to the River by Elizabeth Gilbert : Self-discovery, personal essays, reflective memoir
• I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman : Dystopian, feminist, existential
• You Exist Too Much by Zaina Arafat : Identity, queer desire, Palestinian-American writer
• The Idiot by Elif Batuman : Coming-of-age, campus novel, Turkish-American writer

I finally finished watching Season 1 of Dept. Q. Honestly, I started it for one reason and one reason only: Matthew Goode. Just wanted something nice to cuci mata while having lunch.

A few weeks before that, I also watched The Odyssey. It was the first film that really stayed with me after Project Hail Mary. I don't think I have anything particularly original to add because social media has already dissected every frame and every theory. What I can say is that I loved it.

To me, the entire film felt like one long analogy for life. It was filled with metaphors that quietly unfolded as the story went on. There were several moments that made my eyes well up, not because the scenes were overtly emotional, but because I saw pieces of my own life reflected in them. The dialogue was beautiful, and the way it portrayed hardship, perseverance, and the strange weight of simply being alive reached somewhere deep inside me.

The only thing that bothered me was how the scenes jump from one scene to the other, the transition is a bit off. Itu kerja Nolan lah. 

-

The Moving:

August is the month of packing and moving.

After 2 years and 6 months of renting this apartment in SK, it's finally time to move out. I had already extended my stay by six months without renewing the contract, but now the deadline is real. I have about four weeks to empty the apartment, fix whatever needs fixing, and hand it back. 

I started packing my books. That alone filled 10 medium-sized boxes. I can't even lift a single one because they're so heavy. At this point, hiring professional movers isn't a luxury, it's a necessity. They're probably going to need heavy-duty trolleys just to deal with my ever-growing book collection :F

Right now, my workspace is complete chaos. Every corner is occupied by piles of things I'm trying to sort through, deciding what to keep, what to sell, what to donate, and what to throw away. It's exhausting, but there's something oddly satisfying about slowly untangling the life I've built here over the past two and a half years. It is already a bit overwhelming right now, that's why I started packing early, because I can't do last minute stuffs. 

Anyway, here is my carousell - I'm selling my stuffs because my space is small and I need to downsize. 

-

Mini-flood Incident:

Last weekend, the pipe at my kitchen sink suddenly burst and started spraying water everywhere. I had literally just woken up and was about to make breakfast for Sofi. My brain wasn't fully awake yet, so I just stood there going, "What should I do? What should I do?", you know that half-asleep, slightly slow state in the morning? Thankfully, I managed to turn off the main water supply under the sink. I stared at the soaked kitchen for a moment, thinking maybe I could fix it myself. I pushed the pipe back into place and it burst again.

At that point, I genuinely wanted to cry. I had been awake for less than an hour, I was hungry, my kitchen was flooded, and Sofi kept asking me a hundred questions because she had no idea what was happening. I felt completely overwhelmed. No one had a plumber's number, and, of course, it was a Sunday, so nobody was replying to my messages either.

Eventually, I gave up and decided to join the family lunch in Nilai, even though I had confidently declared that Sunday was supposed to be my "day off from society". After lunch, Sofi wasn't ready to go home because she wanted to jalan-jalan. Meanwhile, I had developed a headache and my back was killing me, so I surrendered. I found a café, sat down with a drink, and let Aja and Is entertain her around IOI while I quietly existed for a while. 

By then, Af was back from his odyssey, so last minute, I booked a massage session at 6pm. I had to release the knots that was killing my back, and the headache that was eating my rationale mind for the past 2 days. BUT, Sofi was not ready to let me go, so she refused to stay with Af and they had to wait until my session was over =.=

After that, Af decided to help me buy a replacement pipe, grabbed the biggest bottle of mineral water for the apartment, and carried everything upstairs because, let's be honest, I wasn't going to win that battle. That, right there, is my problem. Whenever something unexpected happens, I get completely overwhelmed. It's like my brain just shuts down and can't make a decision. I need a moment of quiet to process what's happening before I can think clearly and figure out a solution. Being forced to improvise on the spot has never been my strength. And I hate that.

Not because I can't solve problems, I usually do. It's my brain's delay that annoys me. 

My brain needs time to process before it starts working again, and I wish I could skip that part.

Anyway, thankiu Af - because he just knows. 

I'll do better next time.

*

What's interesting today: I was talking to AR about how I respond in a crisis, and she said something along the lines of, "That sounds like your nervous system is getting overwhelmed. Maybe therapy would help." The more I thought about it, the more it made sense; not as a diagnosis, but as an explanation worth exploring. Whenever I get nervous, anxious, or caught completely off guard, it feels like my brain briefly goes offline. I don't become irrational; I just lose access to clear thinking for a while. Once I've had a bit of time to process everything, I can usually figure things out. 

Weirdly wired. 

Little Stories 330: Quiet Trust

I survived the Sabah trip, four cohorts (behind the scene), 200 pages of PDFs, Sports Day, and organizing a birthday party—all in three weeks.

Every single overwhelming instance was noted and considered. I knew I would be okay. I don't spiral into anxiety anymore. I let myself feel fear and insecurity, as I should. I make myself heard by letting myself feel. But these days, I know how to regulate my own emotions. I know when I have to face my demons, and I know when to let go.

So I am fine.

Even when I am not fine, I know I will be fine. 

That's the difference; I now have that quiet trust to find my way back to myself.

-

Mini story:

Sofi got water beads as her present.

They were playing in the new Kuromi tent when all 2,400 pieces of beads fell and scattered all over the tent. She panicked, it was an accident. I know well that she wouldn't like her beads mixed together, and 2,400 pieces in 24 colours are a lot to separate alone. They tried to scoop them out, they tried to pick them one by one.

"How, Mami? How, Mami? Please, I don't want to do it alone." 

- waktu ni ateeya nak lari dah, ngelat.

I gave her a mini broom, a dustpan, and a small container.

I asked them to put everything into the container.

When everything was in the container, we would find the time to separate them back into their colours.

We'd do it when we had the time and energy, slowly.

When we wanted to separate them, we'd pick the obvious colours first because they were easy to spot.

The almost identical colours would come later, after the other colours were done.

I told her later while we were separating them together, "This container is like all your problems. Instead of letting them scatter everywhere, you put them into one container. Then you need a strategy. Pick the ones that are easy to solve first. Do it slowly and patiently. Then move on to the next problem. If you're tired, you can continue another time. Okay?" - you know I love to use analogy and metaphor, kahkah.

So, we've been separating the 2,400 water beads since Sunday.

And it is almost done.

Happy 7th birthday, bb.

-

Little Stories 328: Still Singing Along

It goes back more than twenty years, to a time when I listened to their songs on my MP3 player on repeat while walking to kuliah.

The internet was still a luxury then. If I wanted to go online, I had to queue for a computer at the campus computer centre or the library and wait for my turn. New music was not something I could summon instantly with a tap of a screen. I only got to refresh my playlist when I went home and asked my then "friend" to help me hunt down songs on LimeWire.

Then I entered Uniten and became an IT student, so the internet became the norm. I had access to the world, and I also had a relationship with an Indonesian boy who helped me explore more of that realm (not sure whether it was official; we would probably call it a situationship these days). So my love for Indonesian bands grew during my university years, much to the confusion of my siblings. They felt it did not suit my personality. Then again, a lot of my playlist probably does not match people's perception of me. But I do speak in music, and I love the beauty of words in songs.

So, a lot of my young adult life was accompanied by their songs. 

They were there through various phases: situationships, drama, heartbreak, yearning, and love. This was "personal", personal.

When I saw the poster for the concert, I shared it with my sister immediately. I had to go this time; I missed the last one. We bought the tickets early and I waited for months. Last weekend, we spent four hours there, being entertained by these middle-aged men, way past my normal bedtime. I was excited, to say the least. I'm still not sure whether it was right to drag my sister along. She had gone to the previous concert and was not nearly as excited as I was, but she came along anyway. Kesian kot.

And it made me wonder: if I went to a concert alone, how would I feel?

I'm dragging my other sister to see another concert later end of year. I imagine myself sitting there alone, enjoying the music without worrying whether anyone else is having a good time. Maybe I would enjoy it being by myself in a crowd. Maybe then I would not have to drag anyone along anymore. Maybe it would be my thing. 

Like the running, you know. 

Little Stories 327: The Shortcut Mind

I have a confession to make: I love hot showers.

I can’t do cold water. Since I moved a couple of years ago, my rented apartment has a hot shower, and I’ve been using it ever since. My electric bill has never even reached RM40, so don’t judge me. This is the one luxury I give myself, unapologetically, every single day. Until last weekend.

Every time I turned on the switch, the hot shower didn’t work. So for the past four days, I had to use cold water. Automatically, I was reminded of the first week I moved in. The hot shower didn’t work back then either, the technician came and fixed the switch. So for the past four days, I kept telling myself I needed to call the technician again. It must be the same problem. Until this morning.

While showering, I lingered on the problem and asked myself: What if it’s not the switch for the shower, but something else? What if a switch on the main board tripped? So I checked the main electrical board. And lo and behold, one of the switches was off. I pushed it back up, hot water again.

-

 

I read about the Least Effort Principle yesterday, and about Thought Experiments this morning. Both oddly relate to this whole hot shower incident.

• First, I assumed the hot water wasn’t working because it had happened before. My brain defaulted to the same solution: call the technician. Least effort, fastest route, familiar pattern.
• Second, I sat with the problem, I questioned it: what ifs. I ran a quiet little thought experiment without even realizing it.

And I found the solution without having to call anyone.

What I’m trying to say is this: our default mode is to reach for the fastest way out of a problem. But being an overthinker means I don’t always do that. I linger, I sit in it. I swim around in the problem until I find something. There are pros and cons to this. The good part is that sometimes, I find better solutions. The bad part is when I stay too long and spiral. 

Right now, I think I’m just trying to figure out how to manage that middle space; how long to stay, and when to step out.

Little Thing 332: These Walks

There are paths I imagine whenever I go to sleep.

I carry a small backpack with only the necessary things. A walking stick in my hand, I always thought about asking for MC's walking stick, but I never quite managed to. I wear a hat, a white tshirt, a hiking pants and place a towel around my neck. (Oh, let me add a Fujifilm X Half hanging on my neck in the imaginary future walks - this is new)

And I walk.

Along the path.

Some nights the path runs through a bright forest. Not the dense kind we have in Malaysia, but something gentler. 

Some nights it winds between hills of green fields, the weather moodier, the air cool with a steady breeze.

Some nights it leads into a mossy forest, with komorebi, sunlight leaking through the trees.

Some nights there are rocks and small hills to climb.

Then I fall asleep.

I only need a few steps. A quiet thought of where I want to walk that night before my system shuts down. I can’t imagine anyone beside me on these paths. I am always alone, and everything is always green. Even in reverie, it seems I return to silence. It never feels lonely, only a quiet awareness of absence. I suppose I built this small world, and no one has quite belonged in it yet.

I love these walks, even in the quiet space between dream and consciousness.

-

I made new upgrade, I no longer wear footwear during these walks, barefoot, on soft grass. I wear a long black linen dress, that's it. The weather is nice, not too windy, not too hot or cold. It feels like walking behind my house (because I live in a friendly forest), not a journey to a destination. 

Little Stories 325: December Post

Year-end Wrap Up

My ultimate stressful project is finally happening next week. I’ve finished almost all the designs, especially the printed materials, after all the chaos of preparation and planning. These two wild months passed like an epic rainstorm and somehow I survived. Lots of tears, zero sweat (I had no energy to run), no caffeine (GERD said “hi” the moment stress peaked), and way too much ranting to the poor souls who had to listen. I don’t even know how many times I said, “I want to quit and move somewhere rural.”

But hey, I made it. (Not yet, but almost)

And right after I hit “send” on those files, I applied my long leave. I wasn’t even sure I’d dare to, but I clicked it anyway.

I’m going to shut off from all the work stress and recalibrate.

- 

Padang & Bukittinggi Trip

I still can’t believe that two weeks ago I was in Indonesia.

I didn’t even have time to process it in the middle of all the project chaos. But surprise, surprise; the trip was actually okay. Everyone behaved, everyone tried. We were all relieved it went well. But mother nature was not in the mood. It rained heavily even before we arrived. We had gloomy hours, then drizzle, then heavy rain again, repeat on loop. We went through episodes of landslides, floods, broken branches everywhere. Our driver was a legend, always finding safe detours and getting us from point to point without fail.

The trip was honestly scary and a little dangerous (I hated that I was bringing Sofi into something like that), so I stayed tense until the very last day. But our tour guide? He was calm as a monk with a mic. He talked non-stop; stories, history, culture, geography, food, religion, language. He sang, joked, kept us entertained for hours, even in the rain and pitch darkness on those wet, hilly roads. He distracted us; never once mentioned his own worries. He just did his job incredibly well.

Despite the really bad weather and temperature below I could handle, we came home in one piece.

And that family trip, was an eye-opening experience. My dad asked us what did we learned on this trip. I learned that when someone wants to make an effort, they will. Full stop. Being accountable for your behaviour is something you learn, not something you dodge by saying, “I can’t change, this is just who I am,” and wearing it like a badge.

Because, to be real, every single day of my life is a deliberate choice to be a better person than the version I’d be if I stopped trying. I’m not perfect, I’m just someone who tries to show up, adjusts, reflects, apologises, and tries again. Accountability isn’t a personality trait. It’s a practice. Do you seriously think I’d still have any trust in humanity if I didn’t rein in my own thoughts?

I was still the party-pooper.

But I'm glad, we all had a decent time.

-

Machine vs Human

We had a conversation at the office about how I mostly work with machines and honestly, I prefer it that way. We were talking about dealing with different types of humans, based on their nature of work, and I realized how thankful I am that I don’t have to interact with clients directly anymore.

And then I started noticing a pattern in how I’ve been shaped; how the little sequences of my childhood were imprinted on me and now feel woven into my personality. I love machines, and I prefer avoiding human drama. I think it comes from growing up with parents who had very distinct personalities; I learned early on to avoid conflict and unnecessary interactions. I preferred burying my face in books, shutting the world out with earphones everywhere I could.

This isn’t to justify my anti-social tendencies, because I do make an effort to carve out space for human interaction from time to time. That’s also why it’s rare for me to genuinely like anyone. And when I do, I’m often surprised by the very human nature that can emerge - even from someone like me. My sister has been asking me to try to meet new people, but ugh, the idea. 

Machines don’t ask for much. 

Humans do, and we are awfully reckless creatures. 

-

Little Stories 324: Cursed by My Tonsil

This morning comes in tune with The Adults Are Talking by The Strokes. Please listen to the song while reading this particular post. I wrote this with the song playing on repeat.

I woke up from sleep, feeling pain in my left throat, throbbing in my ears whenever I swallow. I thought it was one of my migraine (yes, sometimes it can be felt in my ear). So, I checked my throat using my phone's spotlight, lighting at the back of my now lopsided swelling throat. What the heck is that? It was huge and really painful to swallow, or talk, apatah lagi makan/minum.

Decided to visit the clinic on a whim after sending Sofi to school. 

Turns out it was a bacterial infection, complete with an abscess. That yellow thing on my left tonsil wasn’t mucus, it was pus. No wonder it hurt like betrayal. So here I am, ending the year with yet another round of antibiotics, right when I’d just started my prebiotic journey for my gut. Great.

I’m annoyed because it’s always something, kan. The doctor asked if I wanted painkillers or an MC, but I said I could manage the pain and I needed to work anyway. I answered like a true Capricorn and even my inner self rolled her eyes. Reality is hard, but I’m harder. Thus the song choice because my personal soundtrack rarely matches what I actually feel. Fake it till neuroplasticity makes it true, right? Dry humor being my coping mechanism. 

Lesson of the week: I'm not going to gaslight Sofi again whenever she tells me "sakit tekak", because if this is how she feels, this is another level of throat pain.

I do dance party whenever I'm too stressed out

- 

My brother asked why I make the blog non-public. I told him I needed the silence. Whenever I’m overwhelmed, I crawl into my hole and stay there quietly. Energy preservation mode. Then he asked, “Who even reads your blog?” 😑 Him, obviously. I’ve been quiet in the group chat, but he’s been silently stalking my posts. Where’s the silence in that. Ha. 

So because I know he misses my morning posts, I will pretend like this is a newsletter of my little drama for him. And we are mentally preparing for the family-thing, so I need to come out from my hole now, make an effort and be a normal human. 

Hope it is a good Friday for you. 

PS: Tomorrow I want to make pumpkin + cauliflower's soup at ma's and we could do like a nice outdoor breakfast meal for Sunday.

Little Stories 323: The Place We Still Meet.

Dear MC,

It is almost the year-end now, you've been gone for awhile. My office will shut down soon, and everyone’s clearing their leaves except for me. They told me to take a break too, recalibrate, recharge, whatever that means. I’ve been texting random people to see if anyone wants to go somewhere, anywhere. I still have almost a week of leave to use, but I hate the holiday season; Christmas and New Year crowds, everything expensive or closed. I haven’t decided on anything yet. Maybe I should.

This would’ve been the perfect time to plan our book retreat. We should go to Okinawa. It wouldn’t be too cold, and we could read as much as we want. 

Remember that night when I asked where I should go to continue your journey, and you typed, “Go and do your pilgrimage walk in Japan.” I haven’t been able to think about those walks without thinking of you since. The latest book I’m reading is Things Become Other Things by Craig Mod. Huge crush. The walking memoir moved me, it reminded me of the notes I wrote for you. I love it. The perfect combo: walking, writing, photography, and gentle geekiness. He is by far my favorite walker. He is living my absolute dream; quietly, intentionally, beautifully. So I've been living in Craig's shadow instead, following him around during his walks. That's the closest thing I have to the walks. 

Sometimes I wonder what you’re up to, wherever you are. If you still walk. If you still read. If you’ve found a place with endless steps and books that never runs out. Maybe you’ve already finished the pilgrimage and you’re just waiting for me to catch up.

I’ll get there eventually.

Little Stories 320: 99 Days in Many Ways

Fever Night:

Sofi came home from school with a headache yesterday, and I knew it might lead to a fever. So I was already mentally prepared. We had a restless night, she kept tossing and turning, and neither of us could sleep well. By midnight, her temperature spiked. We woke up on and off the whole night, and she even puked water twice. You know, the usual fever chaos. Apparently, there is an influenza outbreak at school.

I always worry a bit too much. I hate it when she gets sick. I can’t focus, I get distracted, and my brain just doesn’t have the capacity to work. So, I took a chill pill (just magnesium) to help me relax a little. Usually, Af manages my tendency to cave in, because he knows me well enough to see that I’m still figuring out how to regulate my emotions when unplanned things happen. But he isn’t here, so I had to handle everything without shutting down in my fight-or-flight cave. I need to be mindful about how I deal with this, because it’s also my chance to learn something. I’ve gotten much better over the past year.

Days like this are usually slow.
I’m just thankful for my understanding teammates and a flexible working arrangement.

-

Yoga Teacher Training & Events:

Have I mentioned that I finished my Yoga Teacher Training? (Just a few more events to assist as part of the assignment.) Last month, I assisted with a yoga stretching session before the UM Run. This week, I’ll be helping out at a workshop at my center (and getting my CPR + AED certification done), and there’s another event coming up next month before graduation.

Starting this month, I decided to explore yoga classes in Klang Valley to experience more yoga in different settings. I tried Yin Yang Yoga and Sound Bath Yoga at Hot.Yo Studio in KLCC last weekend, both required a lot of slowing down and mindful relaxation (which I'm not that great in). But I slept so well after those sessions, I guess they worked. I love the space, even if it takes me an hour by train to get there. The trial package was RM33 for 3 sessions, so I used that up. They also have kids’ classes, which might be good for Sofi to try.

I also joined a workshop with MOOM: PCOS, PMS & Everything last weekend. Love the sharing session, and the gift bag was faaancy. I know, busy busy busy.

I’m intentionally keeping active starting this September because I’m ready for the next part of my life. I’m done mellowing down in my cave. Hoping for a healthy and great months ahead. 

99 days to go before 2026!

Little Stories 317: Ra Oranga

My office gave us a day off for Rā Oranga, which is kind of like giving yourself permission to pause and recharge. It’s a wellness day, a day we can choose to do anything we like. They even gave us an allowance for it, so I decided to treat my family.

For Rā Oranga, I went on a dinner date with myself at my current favorite restaurant and spent an hour just browsing at the bookshop. Then I went home and watched the latest The Summer I Turned Pretty (S3E9, come on, Belly). The next day, I booked a head spa with my two sisters, and a massage session for my brother and mom. Afterward, we had lunch at Pizza Mansion and finished with cookies and juice. A lot of carbs, conversation, and recalibration.

The head massage was divine. I’d been having minor migraines all week, probably from my period, or undereating, or overworking, or just staring at screens too long (maybe all of the above, hah). I tried my best to “relax,” but I always struggle with not doing anything :F So those 90 minutes became a dedicated time to just stare into the dark blankness and daydream about things I wish I could delete from that very-human corner of my brain. The head gua-sha, yes, much needed.

I usually treat massage or facial sessions like maintenance—slots I have to do when I’m sore, in pain, or when my face feels packed with blackheads. I’ve never really been good at “relaxing.” But this time, it felt different. It wasn’t just about fixing something that hurt or scrubbing away things. It was about giving myself permission to enjoy, to just be still and let someone else take care of me. Almost like flipping a switch from survival mode into softness. Like that hair tonic, or letting someone else dry off my hair and do more gua sha on my head because I said I'm having migraine? She even taught me which muscle to focus on to do myself. Thank you, mam.

-

It feels good to have a dedicated stretch of time to just chill and enjoy everything. I even updated my calendar app with a full 24-hour block of wellness-related activities: the dinner date, the choosing of which book to start (my first Gabriel García!), the head spa, sibling time, game time (I’m now ranked 3rd in the White clan), slow reading sessions, magnesium before sleep, rolling around in my comforter early in the morning, and coffee on my off day while wrapped in a robe and trying to write.

Peace and an undramatic life need to be protected at all costs.

Told my sister that I'm falling in love with myself, and it feels SO good. 

She said, "Kan, I told you" ♥︎

Little Stories 316: You are missed

MC,

I finally finished Elif Shafak's There Are Rivers in the Sky after two months of slow reading. As with most of her books, it was beautifully woven, stories of fiction inspired by real-life events. I loved it. It was a pleasure.

Remember the last book you didn’t finish, the one by your hospital bed, Babel by R. F. Kuang? I told you it wasn’t worth your time. Well, she just published another beast this week, Katabasis. Even though I didn’t enjoy either of her books, I’ll still read this one, it will always remind me of your last book.

I just came back from a family trip (which of course came with its fair share of drama), but now I can finally plan another one, this time, just for myself. September will be crazy, though, and I don’t feel like going anywhere during the busy season. And yes, plenty more excuses you’ve heard from me before. Honestly, I just want a quiet season to read and maybe write. I’ve even been spending time on silly shows like The Summer I Turned Pretty and Marry My Husband (the Japanese version) whenever Sofi isn’t around. I actually got invested and I haven’t felt like that in so long.

 

I haven’t worked out much lately because I’ve been swamped with work, trying my best to tick off every list. But I know I’m not managing my stress the way I should. I registered for a run this October, another small commitment to carry me through the second half of 2025. And sometimes, I still stalk your Threads, IG, and Strava, just imagining the updates you might have shared if you were still around. 

I still carry you in my days.

You are missed.

Tooth Story - But Make it Sofi's

Ok, not my story, but Sofi’s.

About a month ago, Sofi had a molar toothache. It was the same molar we’d been fixing with dental fillings. The dentist did an x-ray and, yes, it turned out to be an infection. Sofi had to go on antibiotics and get it treated. The options were either a root canal or an extraction. I didn’t want a root canal on a baby tooth, and extraction on a strong, restored molar felt too invasive, so I asked the dentist to just do another filling, at least temporarily, for as long as it could last.

But since then, she’d been having headaches almost daily, for nearly two weeks. Along the way, she also had other symptoms: chest pain, a high fever (once), and chills. We had her checked, referred to the hospital, and did all the required tests, but everything looked fine because the symptoms didn’t seem connected. Still, I couldn’t keep giving her paracetamol every day. So I decided it was time to go ahead with the molar extraction (assuming the headaches came from the infected molar).

I made the appointment and started preparing her mentally for the procedure.

The dentist suggested using laughing gas to reduce her awareness (basically, to get her a little high), so it wouldn’t be too traumatic. I had a molar extraction last year myself, and yes, it was manageable for an adult without getting high, but for Sofi, it’s different. She’s really scared of anything painful, and molar extraction requires several gum injections while fully awake. So, I agreed to the laughing gas option.

My main worry was: what if I paid for the laughing gas, but they couldn’t proceed for some reason? I’d still be paying RM450 for an untreated molar. On top of that, I still clearly remembered my own extraction and I was nervous imagining Sofi going through it.

But because I knew what would happen, I explained everything to her, step by step. I reminded her daily, even about the painful parts; the shots, the gas, the scary moments. Having to be the adult in the room, with my child trusting me fully, was nerve-wracking. 

The gas took about 20 minutes (on the highest setting, I think) before she was half-conscious. I was massaging her foot the whole time, my way of letting her know I was there (she kind of expected it, since I always do that at the dentist). Once the gas kicked in and she got drowsy, the dentist gave her the multiple gum injections. We asked her to close her eyes so she wouldn’t see the needle. Then the difficult molar extraction began. Since we were already there, I asked the dentist to also pull her loose front tooth. I was literally sweating the whole time.

Alhamdulillah, it all went well.

She was a bit woozy on the way home and even managed to snack a little (while still numb). But about an hour later, when the anesthesia wore off, the real drama began. She started crying, rolling around in pain, the whole ordeal. It took another hour before the painkillers kicked in, and eventually, she fell asleep with an ice pack on her cheek.

Even at midnight, she woke up crying from the pain, and I had to give her another round of medicine. She went to school the next day like a champ (on a painkiller) and I prepared all her manageable foods and snacks for school. We will see how long the pain would last (if I'm not mistaken, around 4 days).

I'm proud of my bb.

-

Here's the details:

• Laughing Gas: RM 400
• Mask: RM 50
• Difficult extraction: RM 70
• Loose extraction: RM 40
• Medicine: RM 10

Thank you Dr S for being Sofi's trusted dentist since the first visit. He treats Sofi so professionally and ok with explaining to her about the procedure instead of just talking with 'the adult's in the room (and not all dentists/doctors know how to treat kids so I'm very particular on having him instead of other dentist). 

She's not scared of going to the dentist then, and even after going through this procedure, she is still fine and ok with dental appointments. I don't want her to be scared of dentist, so I'm glad I started early. 

Little Stories 312: The Daughter of The Big Reader

Sofi with her Pre-Sleeping Routine

Lately, we’ve been getting back into our bedtime routine. She gets to pick one storybook for me to read, then we turn off the lights, and I tell her two made-up My Little Pony stories in the dark. After that, we recite our doa' (I call it "the shield"). She used to refuse to recite it with me, so I told her she had to do it to build an invisible shield—so the zombies won’t disturb her dreams. (She’s been very into zombies lately.)

  

Last night, after her two pony stories, she pleaded for a third.

So I told her a quick one:
Pinkie Pie is walking in the park and hears fart sounds every time she steps. Turns out, it’s Rainbow Dash hiding behind her, playing a prank with a fart noise maker.

She paused, and said,

"No, Mami. I don’t want a funny pony story. I want a mystery story. A scary one. Not a funny one."

=.=' 

She can actually choose a genre now, amazing. 

Definitely my bb.

Little Story 311: Still Here, Still Sore, Slightly Shinier

KLIF, GMBB:

I went to KLIF on the first day, during the Labour Day holiday.

Didn’t go alone this time, I had an extrovert friend to buffer my social anxiety while mingling with the creative crowd. Still not sure why I keep struggling with this. Hah. I was sweaty and barely bought anything because I overthink everything. I even drank coffee in the morning to cope, but honestly, I don’t think it worked.

My plan kind of got side-tracked. Every time I had to talk to my fellow illustrator friends, I hyper-focused on the conversation and forgot to buy anything. I feel bad for not supporting them.  It wasn’t intentional, I swear. It was so much easier to buy at a stranger's booth.

Still, it was a good effort, I met a bunch of cool illustrators and saw loads of inspiring stuff (way better than last year, actually). It was an odd day, but a nice one. So, thank you, it was fun.

-

Rebellious Mode: ON

Also met up with MC on Saturday to pass her my Kindle. Then I booked a full body massage because my upper body has been tight since last week (pretty sure it’s the yoga + bad drawing posture combo). I needed to release the knots and tension. Ended up cancelling yoga for the week. Cried a bunch during the massage, it was wild.

Oh, and! I finally did my third ear lobe piercing after wanting it for ages. Sliding into my mid-life crisis era gracefully. At least it’s just a piercing, not, like, joining a cult or buying a motorcycle. Ha haa. MC asked if I’ve officially entered my rebellious phase. Ha, I’ve been silently rebellious my whole life. This is just the deluxe, mid-life upgrade. Same software, new interface.

-

The Wild Night:

Last night, I genuinely thought I was going to die. My body felt weird and uncomfortable, like something was off, but I couldn’t tell exactly what. Maybe it was the mushroom I had for breakfast, who knows. I managed to keep my anxiety from spiraling, did a bit of stomach massage (because let’s be honest, anxiety and indigestion feel eerily similar sometimes), and just lay there trying not to freak out.

At some point, I started mentally saying goodbye to everyone. Just in case. Then I drifted off to dreamland and about an hour later, a thunderstorm exploded right outside my window. Like, next to my bed, I swear. The rain last night was intense, kan? My heart was pacing fast. I woke up groggily and closed all the windows. Being 30 floors up during a storm? Kind of nerve-wracking, not gonna lie.

But I survived. My body’s still sore from the massage. Sipping ginger tea like a healing witch at dawn. Writing this down, reflecting on a week that feels like it came with bonus plot twists. What a silent and calm Sunday morning. Feeling like that morning scene in pride & prejudice.

Today’s mission: bake macaroni and cheese, then to survive my dad’s side’s potluck party. I’ll try not to bring my plus-one (anxiety), but let’s be honest, I might need to tag caffeine in as backup.

Little Story 310: Cramps, Yoga, and Old Songs

Pain. Just physical pain.

My yoga lesson last weekend started a muscle riot. They're now screaming in long cramps throughout the day. Honestly, it feels like having a long, drawn-out contraction. I didn’t even know it was possible to be uncomfortable for this long.

And of course, it didn’t help that I decided to walk around KL after class, still marinated in dry sweat just because I felt guilty about spending the whole week alone in front of the computer. I wanted to see the world, you know? (I wish, I'm in Taiwan). Next thing I knew, I was wandering around Kinokuniya, searching for books I didn’t even have time to read. Exhausted, dragging my feet, soulless, famished. Ha.

Because I’m the kind of genius who doubles down, I also bought tickets to see M2M at Arena of Stars on Sunday night, body in pain, brain screaming for rest, but mentally craving human interaction and experience. So there I was, among hundreds of other M2M fans, singing along to old songs, cramping and croaking through the night. It was uncomfortable, yes, but so much fun. Honestly, screaming the lyrics probably released two years' worth of stress.

-

The highlight of last week? Learning the right techniques to prepare for harder asanas, and actually feeling my muscles scream afterward. (Which means I’m not just showing up, I’m doing the work.) And being surrounded by people who will slowly but surely push you forward.

Yela, dah makcik-makcik baru nak start belajar yoga balik, it really challenges your confidence, kan? Obviously, we can't just roll into hard asanas as easily as the younger ones. BUTTTTTT, as a runner, I know full well the magic of slow, steady discipline. It’s okay to start slow. What matters is you keep moving, even if it’s just bit by bit. 🧘‍♀️

It wasn’t perfect, but it moved me forward.
Start messy. Ignore the voice that says you can’t.
You’re already further than you think.

Note: If you think you need a cheerleader in your life, come, I'll cheer for you. 

Little Stories 307: A Eulogy for Ophelia ⋆˙⟡

A surprise post

Here is an update:

My Mac is dying on me, I've been trying to turn it on for the past 2 hours. I managed to download all the files and put them in my external hard disk in a new folder called "Mess from my Mac". I'm trying to be calm and as rational as I can be. After all, this Mac has been with me for as long as my marriage. My AI said she deserves a viking funeral and a retirement pension, but I can only offer her a virtual eulogy.

-

Dearly beloved,
We are gathered here today in the shadow of low battery warnings, repeating reboots, and failing Bluetooth connections, to honor the life of one faithful MacBook, Ophelia.

She was not the fastest, nor the flashiest. She did not have the M1 chip of the younger generation, nor the retina of the elite. But she had heart. She had grit. She had ports, remember those? Two USB ports, a headphone jack, and a direct port for the screen display!

I am indebted to you, dear, dear Ophelia. We fought the pandemic together. We paid off the loans, remember? We wrote so many early morning thoughts and unsent letters. We sang those forbidden songs. We built up portfolios. We watched so many series and secretly smiled at those Bridgerton moments. We went to so many places virtually.

Ophelia was not just a machine. She was a colleague. A confidante. A witness to my growth.

I feel like you deserve an ugly cry from me because, although I knew this moment would come, I’m not ready to say goodbye. I know I’ve talked about your replacement, that’s been my coping mechanism, to prepare for this. I know it’s been hard, and I know you worked so hard with me. I can see it’s getting harder, and I see you try every day.

So, thank you. I hope you enjoyed being my partner for this long.

Goodnight, sweet Ophelia ⋆˙⟡

May flights of iCloud angels sing thee to thy rest

2016–2025 💻🌸

Little Stories 305: Showing Up and Moving Through

 

Yesterday was a rough one. The build-up of emotions had to go somewhere, so I did what any mentally strong person does when things get overwhelming—I sobbed. And, of course, life being life, I had a 1:1 call with my boss in 15 minutes. Perfect timing. Miserable condition. But responsibility called, so I pulled myself together and joined the call.

My boss asked how I was doing, and I decided to be honest:
"Honestly, I'm not in a good place today. I'm feeling really low right now."

Amazingly, I have an emotionally mature and understanding boss. Instead of brushing it off or making it awkward, she told me to take all the time I needed to process my emotions, cry it out, and feel whatever I needed to feel. Then she asked, "What can I do to help make your day a little better?"

I asked her to distract me—tell me about her week, her plans, anything at all. 😊

-

A Great Reminder from Our 1:1 Session

Regular communication is crucial in any organization, group, family, or relationship. Why?
To avoid misunderstandings. To stay connected. To build trust. To solve problems. To create togetherness. To grow.

She shared a perspective that stuck with me. During COVID, everyone was scared, but what she remembered most was how our government prioritized communication—giving regular updates, sharing what they knew (and even what they didn’t), and being transparent about possible solutions. Even when there was uncertainty, they kept communicating as best as they could. That made me realize how much I was stuck in my own anxiety back then, unable to see that perspective. Yes, they did the best they could in communicating with us on daily basis!

She emphasized the importance of communicating what we’re going through while also trying to understand the other person’s perspective. Finding balance in communication means not just expressing our needs but also asking, "What do you need from me?" and "What do I need from you?" to work toward a solution together.

It always starts with good communication.

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The Aftermath

I survived the 30-minute call. But as soon as it ended? Back to sobbing. The energy was still too intense. I spent the rest of the day in and out of emotional waves, and honestly, maybe I needed it. Maybe it was months of repressed emotions finally demanding release. Maybe I need to get back to running.

But one thing is clear—the only way past something is to go through it.

She also mentioned; Thanks for showing up ♥︎

Note: I know my stalker brother is worried because I didn't want to reply to his text yesterday, and here's a tiny explanation of why (just leaving space for assumptions) - I know he will read this through anyway =.=  I'm okay, I'm always going to be okay, it is just a strong rain, I'm fine with rain, I survived worst weather. Chill.

Little Stories 303: My First Gathering

Hosted my first housewarming party last weekend:

I convinced myself in thinking that I need to host something for the first time at my house, to bring in good energy, to start the year with good vibes, and to make an effort to have more people in my life. I prepared for months (since Dec to be exact). Slowly, but it was definitely something that I've been mentally preparing for a while. 

I bought the furniture I believed I needed for future gatherings, ordered, waited, pushed the heavy boxes to my house, and assembled them myself with sweat and determination. Like you would be proud kalau tengok how I was pushing myself macam this was a paid small project. Then I cleaned up the house little by little, even thinking through the details of where to put the lights (there were several btw) and how many extension cords I should prepare, or where to put the charging station, or where should they solat, or crafting the e-invite (on the new Apple app: Invites) or what should Sofi wear. A lot of prepping, because I honestly never hosted any gathering at my new place (and perhaps the last one was during the Pilihan Raya several years back in the old house).  

Plus, it can be overwhelming because I will go through everything in my head, and I annoyingly plan everything. I recognize this pattern; this came from my Ma, she's super intense when she plans. It's not that I wanted everything to be perfect; on the day of the event, I flowed well; I just don't want any surprises. I used to have a channel out when I was overwhelmed, now, I need to figure everything out myself, so I rather prepare.

Technically, it was a potluck party, so I didn't have to cook everything alone, but they all chip in and cook/bought something that we can eat together ♥️

The gathering was great; there were around a dozen people. 

It was mostly a chill session. I don't know who started with the yuna karaoke, but that happened. Ha.

Alhamdulillah, it was a great sussess.

I bangun at 5am to masak2, kalau tak best, I don't want to host anything again. Hm. 

Note: I had eaten leftovers for several days after that :D

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Aside from that:

I've been feeling unwell since last week. It started with a sore throat, sandy, but no cough. I lost my voice on Friday. I was feeling physically fine most of the time, but later on the weekend, I started feeling chilly. I hid in the comforter, but I sweated because the night was hot, so it was double chilly. My body was feeling cold, but the weather was hot. Feeling a bit uncomfortable, but fairly manageable. I definitely caught something, right?