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Little Story 238 : Connecting The Dots

November 25, 2021

Early this week I woke up with a vertigo. I've been feeling tense around my shoulder and neck for several days, but I didn't expect it to lead to another cervical vertigo (the last one I had was in August). I woke up early, couldn't shake the spinning off, walked miserably to my desk and Googled my chiropractic center's information online. Unfortunately it is closed every Monday. 

I was desperate, again. 

A vertigo made me unable to perform anything, because everything is a roller-coaster ride. I was spinning all the time. I Googled other possible centre and I found one physiotherapy centre that can also help with neck and shoulder problem to release the muscle stress. At 6 am, I texted the centre and booked for an appointment.

Let me tell you again, I am an anxious person especially since I become a mother. It is ridiculous how my mind can do this to my whole body. I realised that everything that happened to me internally, will always find a way to be shown on my physical body. I just can't seem to cover anything up, it's almost ridiculous. 

One incident, during the post-partum phase, I was so stressed out and was struggling to adapt. My body reacted badly and developed a really bad hives. My whole body was red, itchy and swollen all over. The doctor couldn't do anything, none of the allergic medication could help me, I just had to force my mind to calm down.

Every time I'm stressed out on something, I will have either back pain, shoulder and neck pain, migraine, vertigo, pimples, anxiety symptoms : bloatedness, nauseous, etc.

Can you imagine how much I suffered physically during this pandemic ?

I can't lie. My mind can't lie.

"Oh no, your body, is too tense. Not only your shoulder and neck, even to your whole back", the physiotherapist told me. 

"Do you have anxiety?".

"I can tell just by feeling your back muscle, it's too tense. Did something triggers your anxiety lately?".

And here I thought I've been managing my anxiety nicely these past few months because I don't have the anxiety symptoms. No more heart beat randomly fast, cold sweat, nervousness, bloatedness, nauseousness, shaking, etc.  


During this physiotherapy treatment, I've had my body scrapped, massaged (+ acupressure), cupped (bekam) and we did the epley maneuver for the vertigo treatment. It was a hard work compared to my chiro session. I went back feeling sore for the first 3 days. It was painful, not the sharp pain like having a muscle strain but just a really strong soreness alongside my shoulder blade and behind my neck (where she mentioned there was so many muscle knots she tried to release).

On my 4th day, the vertigo and soreness slowly calmed down. 

But I have another follow-up session, which is today, the 4th day. 

Note : I feel like I've been managing my anxiety and stress well lately. Especially since we've been going out for a walk/run almost every morning since September (except on weekend). But maybe not 'that' well. Sometimes we can't really see what we are feeling inside especially when you try so hard to be ok, to not worry so much, to just calm our mind down and you feel ok, but our body doesn't lie. 

Oh well, this is my life at this moment in time. I'm too worried about the state of the world, it is taking a toll on my body. I wish I can learn to be peace with it, but I guess I'm having a hard time learning about that. But honestly compared to earlier this year when I first diagnosed with anxiety, that was a really tough time. 

This, is manageable. This, is a learning process. This is just a higher ladder a bit too tough to climb when my body is too sore from the pandemic. This is just a marathon when my body isn't well-trained. It is still manageable, but just a bit tough. 


Books - It's end of 2021 and I read more than 50 books this year

November 12, 2021

Here is my 2021 book list on Goodreads. <

I read and listened to more than 50 books in 2021 but, I didn't find a lot of books among them that I would recommend to people. To be honest, half of my 2021 were spent on safe-non-triggering books because of my anxiety. My book journey started probably after August more than half a year spent on healing mentally.

  • I found Thich Nhat Hanh really soothing for my soul. His ideas on the world and his teachings are really helpful. I enjoyed his books very much. 
  • I also listened to 2 of Sally Rooney's books but I found it mediocre, so I didn't understand the hype (but then, I always watched much younger Booktuber's book reviews so that maybe that's why). 
  • By the end of 2021, my anxiety are manageable and no longer a day-to-day problem, so I decided to go on a much heavier topics so I started to read books on philosophical and classic literature. I just read The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea by Yukio Mishima , The Dream of a Ridiculous Man by Fyodor Dostoevsky, and Peace of Mind by Seneca. Currently I'm reading Dostoevsky's The Notes from Underground and rereading Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. I managed to buy a bunch of classic literature and philosophical literature from one of my IG follower that turned into a friend :D
  • I didnt read a lot of fiction this year, but Klara and the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro and Rumaan Alam's Leave the World Behind make me stop and think for awhile. For me, it is not a mind-blowing great books of the year but books that still lingers in my mind even after awhile. 


Books to read when I'm anxious : 

  • Any books by Thich Nhat Hanh
  • Everything is Fucked by Mark Manson

Preparing for a rural life :

  • The Rural Diaries by Hilarie Burton 
  • Twelve by Twelve & New Slow City by William Powers
  • Journal of a Solitude by May Sarton
Parenting :
  • Bringing up bebe by Pamela Druckerman
  • Achtung Baby by Sara Zaske

Beautifully written : 

  • Stopped on the way Home by Meg Fee 
  • Klara & the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro
  • People in the Trees by Hanya Yanagihara
Super boring read :
  • Bridge of Clay by Markus Zusak
  • The World According to Anna by Jostein Gaardner 

Note : I first wrote this when I woke up from a 5-hours sleep at 3 am and I couldn't go back to sleep even after an hour of toss and turn. I made a hot milo and added soy protein to it because I was hungry and I didn't ate dinner the night before. I decided to write something on my blog but I only can write about books and writers.