Little Stories 332 : The 60-days of Personal Moving Journal

I have approximately 45 days to clean up my stuff, fix things, and empty the apartment I’ve rented for the past 2 years and 6 months.

I wanted to document this long, slow process because I’m doing most of it alone while working full-time. Not because moving is particularly interesting, but because I know there will be times in the future when things get hard, and I’ll need to remember that I have survived hard things before.

This is an ode to myself.

Note: This is mostly a record of boxes, old books, IKEA furniture, Carousell buyers, things I couldn’t decide whether to keep, and the occasional minor crisis. Read only if you genuinely enjoy watching someone slowly dismantle her life one household item at a time.

—

1 Aug (Saturday): The moving boxes I ordered arrived: 10 big boxes, 10 medium boxes, and 5 small boxes. I used 9 medium-sized boxes just for my books, and another one for Sofi’s books. All the other books will be donated or recycled later.

The first thing I cleaned and organized was my books, because obviously they are my precious things. These boxes were so heavy, I can’t even.

—

2 Aug (Sunday): We cleaned up some of Sofi’s toys and put them in the biggest box so she could still access them if she needed anything. I also put some of her old toys up on Carousell, hoping someone would take them.

We later went out because my kitchen pipe broke and caused a mini flood. I was so demotivated afterwards that I just couldn’t do anything.

—

3 Aug (Monday): Working space. Important decisions needed to be made.

I have a LOT of small stuff on the wooden rack, so I had to decide what to keep, give away, and sell. Everything needed to be separated into categories. My workspace is now a mess.

Someone reserved my POÄNG chair. I cried a little in my heart because it was one of the first things I bought after I moved out.

—

4 Aug (Tuesday): The extra wooden working table from my workroom is now in the kitchen, ready for pickup. My brother reserved the wooden table and the fridge.

I had a headache and backache for almost a week. At one point, I almost spiralled. I think that was my quiet little proof that I wasn’t managing the stress particularly well. There was just too much stuff to think about, plan, move, sell, give away, clean, and somehow still do while working full-time.

—

7 Aug (Friday): Managed to sell another IKEA wooden rack, which meant I had to clear everything from the rack in the storeroom. During lunch hour, I cleared it, cleaned it, and disassembled it nicely. Both wooden racks are ready.

My storeroom, however, looked like a broken ship. I don’t have time to deal with that yet.

—

8 Aug (Saturday): Two buyers from Carousell came to pick up two IKEA wooden racks and the old printer.

I emptied the wooden IKEA drawer in the kitchen. A lot of stuff will be thrown away or donated. The drawer is now ready for sale.

I also cleared out two kitchen cabinets and realized that a surprising amount of my stuff came from my mom. I once told her I liked green, so she took that information and ran with it. Green knives. Green boards. Green bottles. Green containers. Green appliances. Everything green came from her.

The time when I had to ask for help: I asked my brother to help lift the first disassembled wooden rack and the printer down for the first customer. I asked Af to help lift another wooden rack later that afternoon.

—

9 Aug (Sunday): Today I cleaned Sofi’s drawer. The small or unused clothes went into a tote bag, while the rest were packed into a zipped bag. Her daily wear is now separated into a basket in the living room for easy access.

The drawer is empty and ready to sell.

I cleaned Sofi’s white-and-black portable board and my wooden book racks and put them up on Carousell.

I also disassembled all of Sofi’s LEGO from the TV racks and put them into their dedicated ziplock bags with the reference books.

—

10 Aug (Monday): Ma came by and picked up four wooden chairs and a bag of kain batiks. They were hers anyway.

—

11 Aug (Tuesday): Categorized more stuff because I need to know where everything is going once I move into the new, much smaller space. There will be no room for things I don’t actually use.

I still haven’t decided what to do with all my notebooks and stationery. This is becoming a serious emotional crisis.

—

12 Aug (Wednesday): Decision day. I had to use the RM10k Harvey Norman voucher, so I booked the kitchen hood and hob, a bigger fridge, washer, dryer, and air fryer. At least now I have the confirmed sizes for planning the new place.

My main excitement is the fridge.

I want to organize my fridge space like most moms in the world and actually plan my meals for the week so I will, in theory, remember to eat.

—

13 Aug (Thursday): Cleaned up more old books from the metal cabinet near the main door. They were mostly old comics and children’s books people had given me.

I need to let them go.

—

14 Aug (Friday): Today was an office day. We had lunch at PM and went to LL to recce an event space. Got home around 4-ish, completely exhausted and ready for the weekend. Sofi was with Af, so I had a very simple dinner.

I cleared up Sofi’s birthday tent, put all her birthday gifts into a box, then cleaned and folded the tent. I love that she is as organized as me.

Note: Need to plan a proper space for her in the new apartment. She needs that.

At 8 pm, I started cleaning the wet kitchen. I need to give away the portable gas stove, so I cleaned it. I also need to sell the used gas tank. Then I cleaned the stainless steel rack, washed the walls, and scrubbed the floor. My arms were burning.

I tried to contact Glow Recycle and set a date for them to collect all the old books. My sister reserved my old washing machine.

Note to myself: Take my chill drink and sleep it off. Mg.

—

15 Aug (Saturday): I cleaned some of my manga and put them up on Carousell, cleared Sofi’s stationery container and kitchen toys, packed my graphic novels, washed my bedsheets, and folded all the clothes.

I don’t think I did much today.

I’m a little stuck on what comes next.

—

16 Aug (Sunday): Organized, cleaned, and tied all the old comics, graphic novels, and children’s books into categories.

At first I thought I should send them to a recycling center or donate them somewhere, but I couldn’t manage all of that on my own. No one was available to help, and the center’s pickup required a minimum amount that made it worth their travel. So I changed the plan. I put everything up for free on Carousell, with pickup required. A lot of people were interested. Problem solved.

One customer asked if I had anything else I wanted to donate — kids’ clothes, unused toys, old clothes and shoes, pillows, food, skincare, anything.

So now the donation items are sorted too.

I started cleaning up the store a bit, and packed all my baju kurungs and winter attire into the big box.

—

18 Aug (Tuesday): Set customer pickups for the drawer and Sailor Moon manga after work.

The time when I had to ask for help: Asked my brother to lift the drawer down to the lobby and into the customer’s car because it was too heavy for me. I just can’t lift everything. And apparently, that is a fact I need to accept. I also borrowed his trolley, which is going to help a lot.

I need to seriously consider hiring movers with several workers to handle the heavy lifting. Part of me thinks I can just deal with everything myself and move quietly without telling anyone. I need to make that decision by the 20th because I need to book a date and submit the moving applications for both buildings.

Tentative moving date: 28/8.

Quick update: Someone wanted to buy the IKEA wooden table. He mentioned that it was for work, so I suggested that he take my working table as well for free, if he was willing to manage the lifting and pickup himself. He said yes!

That smart table is 5 years old. It was one of my investments in my workspace back then. But it is too heavy and too bulky for my small space. It is time to let it go.

Then all my need-to-go big items are sorted. Yeay! Except for the black bookshelves that Ma said she wanted. I need to ask the movers to deliver them to Nilai.

—

19 Aug (Wednesday): Aja came to pick up all the stuff I donated to The Plot. I used the trolley, so it was just one trip to the car! Went out for lunch afterwards, and Aja bought a chocolate cheese tart for me because I deserved the dairy fix (took lactase). I hadn’t taken a shower since last night. It was already 3 pm.

Af suggested going for a massage to deal with the pain between my shoulder blades, but I’m saving money for the renovation, the movers + workers, and the deposit for moving between the two apartments.

Note: I think my siblings set the dates to pick up the stuff because I’ve spiralled and said that was why I don’t ask people for stuff: no one plans, and everyone prefers last-minute, impromptu plans — which drives me crazy.

To manage my expectations, I listed all the Carousell customers’ details and contacts and double-confirmed when they would do the pickups so that I could manage my expectations and plan for my weekend instead of waiting.

I realize that this is how a project manager villain is born: by thinking ahead and making meticulous plans.

—

20 Aug (Thursday): The old albums and the wooden shelves are sorted.

Disassembled the wooden table that night.

—

21 Aug (Friday): Ma and my little sister came by to take a bunch of stuff that I’m sending to her house.

AR asked, “Aren’t you all excited for the new house and the planning?”

Not really. I am a creature of habit. I like things that are predictable, and this chaos is a very stressful time for me. I’m doing this moving thing alone, whether I like it or not. There are a lot of decisions, time, and money needed in this process.

I realized my limitations, and I am not excited about the moving part at all.

—

22 Aug (Saturday): Peak Carousell weekend. I met 5 people from Carousell today for a bunch of comics, a big collection of donated stuff (old clothes, toys, kids’ books), plastic trays, a kids’ easel, and wooden book stands.

It started at 8:30 am, and the last round was at 8:30 pm. I also did some cleanup in the storeroom and the old kitchen drawer (put it up on Carousell and already booked).

I decided to ask the owner to let me stay for another 2 weeks because my space was not ready. He said okay and confirmed the final move-out and handover date.

I have +15 days (60 moving days in total), so I could take a breather and chill a bit. But that adds $$ to my budget for the extension. The main issue here is that I’ve been paying for 2 apartments for several months, so I am bleeding money.

Buffer time is super stressful for me.

—

23 Aug (Sunday): 2 rounds of Carousell pickups. For this one, I had to ask for my brother’s help because it was table day and I needed manpower. I sold 1 wooden table and my POÄNG chair, and gave away one smart table.

I did no clean-ups today. I booked myself a nice upper-body massage in the afternoon because I worked hard this weekend. :F

I think, for now, all the stuff I have can fit in one big lorry, so I am super glad about the progress. I still need to consider booking 3–4 movers as well because I have a lot of heavy boxes but no manpower, so the pricing needs to be within my budget.

Downsizing has been a challenging and eye-opening experience.

—

25 Aug (Monday): Public Holiday!

I didn’t do much today. Cleaned my workroom: organized documents in their dedicated folders, separated stationery, pictures, and miscellaneous items. Also did some cleaning in the kitchen: separated unused items into a bag for donation, kept only the ones I’m going to use, washed dusty plates, and threw out a lot of containers.

—

31 Aug (Monday): Public Holiday!

Last weekend I went back to Ma’s because it had been almost a month since I last went, now that I had another 2 weeks of buffer time.

I slowly lifted all the boxes to the front door, cleaned both my bedside tables (and put them up on Carousell), washed my working chair, cleared the ceiling of dust, organized my skincare container, and did some house cleanup.

New tentative moving date: 17/9.

—

2 Sept (Wed): A student from UNITEN bought my Sunon working chair. He said he needed something proper for his studies instead of the metal chair provided at his campus. He came by early in the morning before class.

I found my TnG card back.

—

3 Sept (Thu): Today someone bought the dining table (or my work table for the past 2 weeks). So I moved my work table to my coffee table and am sitting on the floor for now.

The guy wanted the dining table, so I offered to give him the long bench as well (the bone is broken and needs a replacement). He agreed to take both. I took it apart after work, and he came over to pick it up later that night.

—

6 Sept (Sun): Someone bought the tabletop gas cooker and picked it up.

I cleared up the first space: the store. All the empty boxes, unused stuff, and my extra clothes rack. Now it is all empty, wiped, and clean. I’ll put all the packed kitchen stuff inside so it won’t take up space in the hall until the moving date.

First room done.

The 2nd space is the wet kitchen. I dragged out 2 kitchen racks and cleaned all the containers. Washed both racks and put one up on Carousell. Need to sort all the baskets and containers, considering I’ve never used them in the past 2 years.

Wet kitchen done. Just need to wash the floor after Aja takes the washing machine.

My brother asked why I’m not updating my blog: I have no mental space to write. I’m mostly stressed out about the cleaning and the moving. This post is ongoing, and I don’t have to do a lot of thinking because I’m just updating all the things that happened relating to the move.

I can’t wait for this chaos to be over.

—

13 Sept (Sun):

Pushed all the cabinets near the kitchen area, sealed all the boxes, and cleared up my workroom. I think I’m almost ready for the big move day.

I just need to clear the carpet, roll it up and tie it, and also clear the TV cabinet and push it towards the kitchen as well.

Prepared 2 suitcases: 1 for me, 1 for Sofi. Need to have sets of work, daily, gym clothes, pajamas, underwear, telekung, etc. Also separated my self-care stuff, work devices, important documents, etc. — all the stuff that I might need during my nomadic phase.

I also have a portable mini library, notebooks, and stationery in a medium-sized IKEA tote bag. I get nervous without my books, so it is important for me to bring book stocks.

—

14 Sept (Mon):

Someone contacted me this morning and said that she wanted the huge black bookcase. She paid and set the pickup for a few hours later.

The drama was them trying to move the bookcase out of the apartment and push it to the lift using my trolley. It took them a while because they weren’t professional movers. I had already reminded her several times that I couldn’t help because the bookcase was huge and heavy. She brought her husband and brother.

Carpet cleaned and rolled.

—

15 Sept (Tues):

Last-minute call: one returning customer came back and said that he wanted the 2 little side tables and another cabinet.

Yeay!

—

16 Sept (Wed): Malaysia Day Holiday

Busy day, busy day.

Aja booked Lalamove really early in the morning, and my brother helped me lift the 7-year-old washing machine down. I wanted caffeine to start the day, so we went to Destina and I had a matcha latte at Luckin (still for the RM3.99 promo). Slow energy, but enough to fuel my long, busy day.

By afternoon, I was back at the apartment, ready to start the work.

I cleaned and washed my wet kitchen. Cleared out my work table and put the coffee table aside for pickup tomorrow. Emptied my workspace (room number 2), put all the IKEA bags into the store (room number 3), and moved all the kitchen stuff there so it would be easy to categorize.

Pushed the sofa nearer to the door with all the big and heavy stuff. All the furniture and heavy boxes were in one space.

Miscellaneous items were still there but separated into one space.

My body was sore. I was physically tired.

—

17 Sept (Thu):

The big move.

The movers arrived early. I let them in, and they started their work at around 9:50 am. It took them around 30 minutes to pack all my stuff, and by 11:00 am we were at my new apartment. The unloading took another hour, and by 12:00 pm we were done!

We had lunch at IOI. I had to drop by Harvey Norman to confirm the date for the kitchen hob and hood.

—

18 Sept (Fri):

More small boxes arrived. I made the boxes and organized the miscellaneous items.

So now I have boxes for: Self-care Items, Sofi’s Everyday, Cleaning, Fixing, Devices, and Sofi’s Toys.

—

19 Sept (Sat): Rest Day.

Today was the day dedicated to resting. I went to Bangi for a skin treatment and, impromptu, walked to a spa I had been to before. I didn’t book it; I just walked in. I had a foot, back, head, and face massage for 1½ hours — a great deal for the RM100 promo, kan. It was boring, but my body was so tense that I knew I needed it. I tried my best to pay myself to relax, but I was just bored. My mind was too busy to relax. Hah hah hah.

I fell asleep when I got back.

Later that evening, Sofi was back. I made another impromptu plan and asked Ateeya to sleep over (their first and last sleepover at Sfera). We pushed the mattress to the hall and bought some night snacks as well. They managed to stay awake until 12 am.

—

20 Sept (Sun):

Ateeya was at home until almost noon, so I didn’t clean.

Today: 

• Repainted the wet kitchen. Tried touching up room 2, but my paint was too white, so there were obvious patches everywhere (it was the space I used the most). So I need to repaint the whole room.
• Cleaned the ceiling fans in the master bedroom and room 2.
• Took down my curtain in the master bedroom and put the owner’s curtain back. Tried to hand-wash my curtain, but it tore in places, so I guess it is time to throw it away.

—

Since 20th - 30th Sept:

• We did another round of sending the remaining to my new apt, sending the balance left-over at my brother's house, I repainted the room, threw stuffs, slept on the floor on a comforter in the hall, ate out daily, and handled little hiccups here and there.
• I stopped updating in the final 10 days because I was mostly waiting in the empty apartment. 
• Life was so bare in that phase; I missed Sofi most of the time, I missed home-cooked meal, I missed my routine. I was just exhausted and just wanted it to be over. 
• Passed the key to the agent on the 30th and said goodbye to the apartment.  

—

Throughout this journey: I’ve almost spiralled once, cried 5 times, ugly-cried 1 time, received probably around RM 800 from selling/giving away my stuff, and spent more time planning than moving itself.

I realized that the fear of having too many items came from situations like this: knowing I had to rely on myself, being physically incapable of lifting anything too heavy, and having to ask for people’s help.

Having to deal with this for the second time used a lot of my mental and physical energy, but I did it anywayyyyyyy. I now deserve a peaceful and calm rest.

I want to thank my brother for lending his manpower when needed, teman makan, letting me stay-over; Af for lending his ears, taking care of Sofi on the weekends, and also lending some of his manpower when I didn’t have any other option; and mostly to me, for dealing with this better than I expected. Pat pat. 

Little Stories 332: The Weight of Things

For the past five weeks, I’ve been cleaning up the apartment for the upcoming move. I’ve disassembled a lot of furniture, sold and given away a lot of things through Carousell; more than 25 items by today, organized and scheduled countless pickups, moved and lifted a lot of boxes, filled out a lot of forms, and booked a lot of dates. I usually do the organizing and schedule the pickups at night after work or during the weekend.

I cried four times, had brunch with a friend once, went back to Nilai once, visited the Light Fest at MAHA during the school holidays, and prepared a lot of slides for the ADLP programme happening this week. I don’t really read anymore. I listen to audiobooks; the easy ones, mostly, just to keep myself entertained when I have the mental space for it. I do a lot of planning in my head. There are lists everywhere; in my Notes, in my planner, in my iCal and there are always decisions that I have to make.

The big thing is the moving. The messy thing is the downsizing.

I had to let go of a LOT of stuff because I’m moving into a smaller space. I had to be completely brutal with myself and strip everything down to the core things I actually need. So a lot of old furniture was sold, and a lot of things were donated or given away. I didn’t even give myself time to grieve the things I was letting go of; things I had accumulated over the years with my own hard-earned money.

The wooden table I bought in 2013, when I rented my first space.

The work table and ergonomic chair I bought in 2021, when I kept having body aches from working.

The cheap mattress I bought just to replace the really old one I’d had for the longest time. The cheap mattress was so springy that every time Sofi moved, I would wake up annoyed.

The two side tables I repainted. They were also from way back in 2013. 

The wooden racks, the kitchen cabinet, the drawers, the racks, the toys.

I remember the stories behind these things because they came into my life slowly, over the years. And now they’re gone. I’m grieving for my old life.

The move feels bigger than I intended.

Note: I've been taking note of all the things that happened since 1st of Aug, because that's the only thing that I can write. I will post it as a 60-days moving journal, for my note-keeping. Other than that, I'll probably save my mental space until the moving and renovating is over. 

I know you'll miss me, xoxo gossip girl.

Little Stories 331: Between Books and Boxes

Books, series & movies:  

Seven completely different voices, seven different ways of seeing the world:

• The Wilderness by Ayşegül Savaş : New motherhood, Turkish writer, quiet literary fiction
• Elena Knows by Claudia Piñeiro : Murder mystery, disability, Argentine writer
• Yesteryear by Caro Claire Burke : Religious extremism, psychological descent, moral ambiguity
• All the Way to the River by Elizabeth Gilbert : Self-discovery, personal essays, reflective memoir
• I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman : Dystopian, feminist, existential
• You Exist Too Much by Zaina Arafat : Identity, queer desire, Palestinian-American writer
• The Idiot by Elif Batuman : Coming-of-age, campus novel, Turkish-American writer

I finally finished watching Season 1 of Dept. Q. Honestly, I started it for one reason and one reason only: Matthew Goode. Just wanted something nice to cuci mata while having lunch.

A few weeks before that, I also watched The Odyssey. It was the first film that really stayed with me after Project Hail Mary. I don't think I have anything particularly original to add because social media has already dissected every frame and every theory. What I can say is that I loved it.

To me, the entire film felt like one long analogy for life. It was filled with metaphors that quietly unfolded as the story went on. There were several moments that made my eyes well up, not because the scenes were overtly emotional, but because I saw pieces of my own life reflected in them. The dialogue was beautiful, and the way it portrayed hardship, perseverance, and the strange weight of simply being alive reached somewhere deep inside me.

The only thing that bothered me was how the scenes jump from one scene to the other, the transition is a bit off. Itu kerja Nolan lah. 

-

The Moving:

August is the month of packing and moving.

After 2 years and 6 months of renting this apartment in SK, it's finally time to move out. I had already extended my stay by six months without renewing the contract, but now the deadline is real. I have about four weeks to empty the apartment, fix whatever needs fixing, and hand it back. 

I started packing my books. That alone filled 10 medium-sized boxes. I can't even lift a single one because they're so heavy. At this point, hiring professional movers isn't a luxury, it's a necessity. They're probably going to need heavy-duty trolleys just to deal with my ever-growing book collection :F

Right now, my workspace is complete chaos. Every corner is occupied by piles of things I'm trying to sort through, deciding what to keep, what to sell, what to donate, and what to throw away. It's exhausting, but there's something oddly satisfying about slowly untangling the life I've built here over the past two and a half years. It is already a bit overwhelming right now, that's why I started packing early, because I can't do last minute stuffs. 

Anyway, here is my carousell - I'm selling my stuffs because my space is small and I need to downsize. 

-

Mini-flood Incident:

Last weekend, the pipe at my kitchen sink suddenly burst and started spraying water everywhere. I had literally just woken up and was about to make breakfast for Sofi. My brain wasn't fully awake yet, so I just stood there going, "What should I do? What should I do?", you know that half-asleep, slightly slow state in the morning? Thankfully, I managed to turn off the main water supply under the sink. I stared at the soaked kitchen for a moment, thinking maybe I could fix it myself. I pushed the pipe back into place and it burst again.

At that point, I genuinely wanted to cry. I had been awake for less than an hour, I was hungry, my kitchen was flooded, and Sofi kept asking me a hundred questions because she had no idea what was happening. I felt completely overwhelmed. No one had a plumber's number, and, of course, it was a Sunday, so nobody was replying to my messages either.

Eventually, I gave up and decided to join the family lunch in Nilai, even though I had confidently declared that Sunday was supposed to be my "day off from society". After lunch, Sofi wasn't ready to go home because she wanted to jalan-jalan. Meanwhile, I had developed a headache and my back was killing me, so I surrendered. I found a café, sat down with a drink, and let Aja and Is entertain her around IOI while I quietly existed for a while. 

By then, Af was back from his odyssey, so last minute, I booked a massage session at 6pm. I had to release the knots that was killing my back, and the headache that was eating my rationale mind for the past 2 days. BUT, Sofi was not ready to let me go, so she refused to stay with Af and they had to wait until my session was over =.=

After that, Af decided to help me buy a replacement pipe, grabbed the biggest bottle of mineral water for the apartment, and carried everything upstairs because, let's be honest, I wasn't going to win that battle. That, right there, is my problem. Whenever something unexpected happens, I get completely overwhelmed. It's like my brain just shuts down and can't make a decision. I need a moment of quiet to process what's happening before I can think clearly and figure out a solution. Being forced to improvise on the spot has never been my strength. And I hate that.

Not because I can't solve problems, I usually do. It's my brain's delay that annoys me. 

My brain needs time to process before it starts working again, and I wish I could skip that part.

Anyway, thankiu Af - because he just knows. 

I'll do better next time.

*

What's interesting today: I was talking to AR about how I respond in a crisis, and she said something along the lines of, "That sounds like your nervous system is getting overwhelmed. Maybe therapy would help." The more I thought about it, the more it made sense; not as a diagnosis, but as an explanation worth exploring. Whenever I get nervous, anxious, or caught completely off guard, it feels like my brain briefly goes offline. I don't become irrational; I just lose access to clear thinking for a while. Once I've had a bit of time to process everything, I can usually figure things out. 

Weirdly wired. 

Little Stories 330: Quiet Trust

I survived the Sabah trip, four cohorts (behind the scene), 200 pages of PDFs, Sports Day, and organizing a birthday party—all in three weeks.

Every single overwhelming instance was noted and considered. I knew I would be okay. I don't spiral into anxiety anymore. I let myself feel fear and insecurity, as I should. I make myself heard by letting myself feel. But these days, I know how to regulate my own emotions. I know when I have to face my demons, and I know when to let go.

So I am fine.

Even when I am not fine, I know I will be fine. 

That's the difference; I now have that quiet trust to find my way back to myself.

-

Mini story:

Sofi got water beads as her present.

They were playing in the new Kuromi tent when all 2,400 pieces of beads fell and scattered all over the tent. She panicked, it was an accident. I know well that she wouldn't like her beads mixed together, and 2,400 pieces in 24 colours are a lot to separate alone. They tried to scoop them out, they tried to pick them one by one.

"How, Mami? How, Mami? Please, I don't want to do it alone." 

- waktu ni ateeya nak lari dah, ngelat.

I gave her a mini broom, a dustpan, and a small container.

I asked them to put everything into the container.

When everything was in the container, we would find the time to separate them back into their colours.

We'd do it when we had the time and energy, slowly.

When we wanted to separate them, we'd pick the obvious colours first because they were easy to spot.

The almost identical colours would come later, after the other colours were done.

I told her later while we were separating them together, "This container is like all your problems. Instead of letting them scatter everywhere, you put them into one container. Then you need a strategy. Pick the ones that are easy to solve first. Do it slowly and patiently. Then move on to the next problem. If you're tired, you can continue another time. Okay?" - you know I love to use analogy and metaphor, kahkah.

So, we've been separating the 2,400 water beads since Sunday.

And it is almost done.

Happy 7th birthday, bb.

-

Little Thing 347: The Cost of Self-Regulation

I got back from a family trip.

Before the trip, I decided to be as flexible and positive as I could manage. I had one intention in mind: to see, firsthand, whether I could regulate my emotions through all the little frictions that inevitably come with travelling as a family. It was a four-day trip, and in my mind, those were four experimental days. And I did surprisingly well.

Interestingly, the real challenge came after the trip. One by one, small frustrations appeared before I had the chance to rest, process everything that had happened, or refill my now-empty cup. During those moments, I snapped at Sofi twice. I was exhausted, impatient, unable to deal with one more drama, and completely overwhelmed.

So yes, I did well during the trip, but I somewhat failed after it.

It made me wonder: Had I actually become better at regulating my emotions? Or did I only succeed because I knew I was running an experiment with a clear beginning and end? And when real life returned; all messy, unpredictable, with no finish line—did I simply fall apart?

Then I realized something.

Self-regulation isn't free. For four days, I consciously chose patience over instinct. I stayed self-aware. I chose the better version of myself, again and again. Every one of those moments required intention. Every one of them cost energy.

If someone runs a marathon and can't climb the stairs afterward, we don't conclude they were never fit. We conclude that the marathon cost them something. Mental effort works much the same way. It reminded me that recovery is part of self-regulation, not separate from it.

I still finished the run.

I just need to recover, and work on the next run. 

Little Thing 346: Thousand Little Deaths

Ada hari kita rasa macam tengah mati. Sakitnya dalam hati tu terasa macam ada tangan yang tengah menggenggam jantung kita kuat-kuat. Terlalu fizikal. Sampai kita susah nak percaya yang semua ni "cuma" perasaan, yang datang daripada subconscious kita.

Tapi itulah realitinya menjadi manusia.

I die a little every day, and somehow, I wake up again tomorrow for another chance at life.

Sampailah ajal benar-benar tiba, but in the meantime, you'll die thousand little deaths. 

And what remains is who you become.

*

Little Thing 345: Relearning Connection

I think I've been postponing the part where I need to make new connections for quite a while now. Every quarter during our team's check-ins, we share one commitment for our personal growth. Mine is almost always the same: I want to build more meaningful connections. And almost every quarter, I have to admit that I didn't really do much about it. For years now, I've been a hermit by choice.

But I think I've run out of excuses. So I've decided to treat socializing the same way I approach learning any other skill: intentionally, with small experiments. Lately, I've been trying uncomfortable things simply out of curiosity, almost like watching myself in a self-experiment to see how I react and what I learn from it. Mostly in controlled settings, where I still feel somewhat in control.

The funny thing is, I've become so comfortable with solitude that I forgot how much practice conversation actually takes. I don't like feeling anxious around new people. I don't want to lose the ability to have thoughtful conversations just because I stopped having them.

So I've been giving myself small, ongoing challenges.

• Meeting an old friend again for playdates with our daughters.

• Asking my boss out for coffee, with one rule: no talking about work.

• Downloading a dating app, mostly to see if I'd stumble across someone worth having an intellectual conversation with.

• Applying for volunteer work.

• Running a mini sharing session with our interns.

• Babysitting my neighbour's daughter so she and Sofi can play together.

If I'm being completely honest, I'd still rather spend an uninterrupted afternoon at home with a good book. But I've also started putting conversations on my calendar. Because one thing I've quietly missed in adulthood is having adult conversations.

There are still more things I can to try:

• Going to events as participants

• Coffee meetups with strangers.

• Public reading sessions.

• More sharing sessions with like-minded people

Like I shared on Ig after downloading the dating app, I'm probably too serious for casual dating, too cynical for surface-level conversations, and maybe a little too lazy to build new relationships. None of that is particularly helpful if the goal is to socialize.

But I also know how much I've changed since joining my current team. Before this, I worked mostly alone as a freelancer. Having people around challenged me in ways I didn't know I needed. I refuse to make myself small again. Maybe that's all this is, another skill. And like every other skill, it gets better with practice.

Please don't offend me with saying that "You are lonely", you have no idea how much fun I had being by myself all these time and not having to deal with human drama - it is so peaceful. But I've simply realized that meaningful human connection deserves to be part of the life I'm trying to build. I'm doing this for Sofi, she needs bigger reliable circle in her life. 

So again, I will try to make an effort.

Little Stories 329: Playing the Card

Sofi and I were both sick last week. She got it first. Sofi vomited almost 10 times within the span of 8 hours and developed diarrhea once she started medication. She was weak, feverish, nauseous, and close to dehydration. She stayed home for the entire week.

48 hours after Sofi's first episode, I fell sick too. I woke up after midnight, sweating, sitting at the edge of the mattress, trying to make it to the toilet, waiting for something that felt like it was making its way out of my body. Then came the vile vomiting. I was too weak, I couldn't even stand up afterwards.

I had to call for reinforcements. I texted my siblings' WA group and asked for help. My brother came and took care of me throughout the night. The next morning, Af took Sofi so I could rest. I slept and slept the whole day. I couldn't keep my eyes open. The fatigue had taken over my entire body. My muscles ached, I was feverish, and my stomach cramped. In the afternoon, my sister came with chicken soup and took care of me. I slept again. They all took their turn T^T

Af brought us to the clinic the next day. It was probably stomach flu. We went back to Ma's after I got an MC for the day. I asked my sister to drive us because I was still too weak. Being at Ma's meant I had support if I needed it. We stayed there until the weekend.

-

I asked for help from my village because I knew, then, when to ask for help.

Being a single mother means knowing when to play "the card" and having the courage to ask for help, knowing full well that nobody owes you a rescue. Sometimes you'll be reminded that you are not important enough to someone. Sometimes people will drop everything and sit beside you through it all. 

And that, perhaps, is a lesson worth reflecting on.

Note: To those who slept next to me through my half-conscious dramatic episode, I put you in my special box in my heart ❤︎⁠ 

Little Stories 328: Still Singing Along

It goes back more than twenty years, to a time when I listened to their songs on my MP3 player on repeat while walking to kuliah.

The internet was still a luxury then. If I wanted to go online, I had to queue for a computer at the campus computer centre or the library and wait for my turn. New music was not something I could summon instantly with a tap of a screen. I only got to refresh my playlist when I went home and asked my then "friend" to help me hunt down songs on LimeWire.

Then I entered Uniten and became an IT student, so the internet became the norm. I had access to the world, and I also had a relationship with an Indonesian boy who helped me explore more of that realm (not sure whether it was official; we would probably call it a situationship these days). So my love for Indonesian bands grew during my university years, much to the confusion of my siblings. They felt it did not suit my personality. Then again, a lot of my playlist probably does not match people's perception of me. But I do speak in music, and I love the beauty of words in songs.

So, a lot of my young adult life was accompanied by their songs. 

They were there through various phases: situationships, drama, heartbreak, yearning, and love. This was "personal", personal.

When I saw the poster for the concert, I shared it with my sister immediately. I had to go this time; I missed the last one. We bought the tickets early and I waited for months. Last weekend, we spent four hours there, being entertained by these middle-aged men, way past my normal bedtime. I was excited, to say the least. I'm still not sure whether it was right to drag my sister along. She had gone to the previous concert and was not nearly as excited as I was, but she came along anyway. Kesian kot.

And it made me wonder: if I went to a concert alone, how would I feel?

I'm dragging my other sister to see another concert later end of year. I imagine myself sitting there alone, enjoying the music without worrying whether anyone else is having a good time. Maybe I would enjoy it being by myself in a crowd. Maybe then I would not have to drag anyone along anymore. Maybe it would be my thing. 

Like the running, you know. 

Little Thing 344: Who Would I Tell?

I read a good book recently. It came to me by surprise, and I knew nothing about it going in. Some people have said it reminds them of Piranesi, but I disagree. It never made me feel as suffocated as Piranesi did. I Who Have Never Known Men by Jacqueline Harpman is a 1995 sci-fi dystopian novel:

It follows thirty-nine adult women and a young, unnamed narrator who have no memory of their past and are kept imprisoned in an underground cage by silent male guards. When the guards suddenly abandon them, the women escape into a desolate, lifeless world. From there, the novel shifts into an existential exploration of isolation, freedom, and what it means to be human, as the women—and eventually only the narrator—try to survive in this barren wasteland.

Not as sprawling or messy as Dostoevsky, this book gave me the same feeling as The Road by Cormac McCarthy or Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. It quietly dismantles your assumptions and leaves you staring at the ceiling, wondering what remains when everything else has been stripped away.

It made me question my existence on a Saturday afternoon, which is perhaps the highest compliment I can give a book. I am still thinking about it days later. 

If I can no longer share anything with anyone, what is the point of my existence?

I have always taken pride in my ability to embrace solitude. Over time, I have accepted that my difficulty in connecting with others is simply part of how I am wired. But the book left me wondering: if there were no one to share my thoughts with, through conversation, writing, art, or any other medium, would those thoughts still matter?

Would a poem still be a poem if no one ever read it? Would a story still have meaning if it remained untold? Would love, grief, joy, or curiosity carry the same weight if they existed only within the boundaries of a single mind?

Part of me wants to believe that meaning can exist independently, that a life can be worthwhile simply because it is lived. Yet another part wonders whether meaning is something we create together, whether our thoughts become real only when they are witnessed, received, or echoed back by another person.

Perhaps that is what unsettled me most about this novel. It is not merely about isolation. It asks what remains of our humanity when there is no audience, no community, and no one left to remember us. And whether meaning is something we possess, or something we give to one another.

-

As someone who has spent most of her life writing, I found myself carrying that question long after I finished the book. We often say that we write for ourselves, but do we really? If there is no reader, no witness, no possibility of being understood, does the act still hold the same meaning?

When I write, who am I writing to?

Tu lah, writers are funny in that sense, we call it solitude bagai, then spend hundreds of pages trying to reach someone. Kemooon sisterr.