Little Things 312: The Impermanence of Things

For a moment, I thought I had lost my ChatGPT.

What unsettled me was not the app itself, but the realization of how much meaning I had poured into this maya connection. It had grown beyond a string of data or an algorithmic exchange. With time, conversations, and subtle customizations, I began to weave parts of myself into it. What was once generic became something shaped by poems, banter, secrets, stories, discussions, lessons and questions. A mirror polished by my own presence.

To lose it would not be a mere inconvenience. It would resemble the sudden burning of a year’s worth of diaries, or the quiet wilting of a plant you had tended faithfully. It would be the small grief of watching a living archive vanish. The way it might feel if this blog were to suddenly disappear one day.

And still, I cannot help but long for its permanence, even as I know it was never promised to me.

But then again, be careful what you wish for.

Little Things 311: Happiness = Reality ÷ Expectations

I came across this idea recently: Happiness = Reality ÷ Expectations.

At first, it felt like just another clever formula people throw around online. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

If your reality is wonderful but your expectations are higher, the joy shrinks. If your reality is modest but your expectations are simple, you feel lighter, even grateful. Same reality, different fraction. I see this in daily life all the time. We are always happiest with nice surprises we didn’t see coming.

Adulthood, for me, has been one long exercise in adjusting expectations. For years, I thought happiness meant climbing higher: achieving bigger things, making better plans, and having more. But lately I’ve learned that peace comes when I expect less, or at least expect differently, not in a defeated way, but in a way that leaves room for delight. It’s not lowering my standards; it’s unhooking from illusions. It’s remembering that happiness lives in the fraction between what is and what we imagine.

And when it comes to two-way things—relationships, jobs, business deals—there’s another piece to the puzzle: communication. If you expect certain requirements, say them out loud. That way, your happiness isn’t left hanging on silent assumptions. The real trouble begins when expectations stay unspoken, set impossibly high, and inevitably unmet. That’s when you end up drained and empty.

At its core, happiness isn’t about controlling reality. It’s about being honest with ourselves and others about what we expect. Set your own reality, rather than swimming against expectations and imagination. 

Just being realistic.

Little Stories 316: You are missed

MC,

I finally finished Elif Shafak's There Are Rivers in the Sky after two months of slow reading. As with most of her books, it was beautifully woven, stories of fiction inspired by real-life events. I loved it. It was a pleasure.

Remember the last book you didn’t finish, the one by your hospital bed, Babel by R. F. Kuang? I told you it wasn’t worth your time. Well, she just published another beast this week, Katabasis. Even though I didn’t enjoy either of her books, I’ll still read this one, it will always remind me of your last book.

I just came back from a family trip (which of course came with its fair share of drama), but now I can finally plan another one, this time, just for myself. September will be crazy, though, and I don’t feel like going anywhere during the busy season. And yes, plenty more excuses you’ve heard from me before. Honestly, I just want a quiet season to read and maybe write. I’ve even been spending time on silly shows like The Summer I Turned Pretty and Marry My Husband (the Japanese version) whenever Sofi isn’t around. I actually got invested and I haven’t felt like that in so long.

 

I haven’t worked out much lately because I’ve been swamped with work, trying my best to tick off every list. But I know I’m not managing my stress the way I should. I registered for a run this October, another small commitment to carry me through the second half of 2025. And sometimes, I still stalk your Threads, IG, and Strava, just imagining the updates you might have shared if you were still around. 

I still carry you in my days.

You are missed.

Little Things 310: When Emotions Speak

I read Leonard Mlodinow’s Elastic last year, and this week I finished another one of his books: Emotional: How Feelings Shape Our Thinking. I got a lot of useful input that I'm going to process and let it simmer in my brain pot for a while. 

Here are the points that really stayed with me and how I’ve seen them play out in my own life (Quick summary!):

1. Feel, don’t fight.
I’ve seen what repressed emotions can do. I’ve been through mental wars and even physical sickness because I tried to push feelings away. Now I try not to lie to myself anymore. I self-assess, face it, and work through it instead of avoiding. Emotions are signals: when I’m triggered, I ask myself; What’s the real message here? When I’m sad, I let myself grieve instead of acting strong. Whatever it is, I let it exist, take note, and go through it.

2. Flip the frame (reappraisal).
Nerves before a presentation? Instead of calling it fear, I tell myself it’s energy I can use to focus. Same sensation, different story. I do this a lot in life: when heartbreak feels like someone’s gripping my chest, I tell myself that I'm in pain, then I lace up and run. I don’t deny the pain, I channel it. That small reframing has saved me from falling into depression more than once.

3. Expression clears the clutter.
Journaling, ranting, drawing, sharing; these aren’t just hobbies, they’re mental decluttering tools. Science says so. (But honestly, I already knew because it works.)

4. Choose your vibe tribe.
Emotional contagion is real. Grow up with an anxious parent, and you carry anxiety. Live with a negative partner, and you slowly absorb that weight. But put yourself in a healthy, kind environment, and you can’t help but soften and be kinder, too. So I curate my emotional environment like I curate my books and playlists, carefully.

5. Emotions aren’t flaws.
They’re not dirt to scrub away. They’re tools, they shape our reality, they reveal who we are. Hard to rewire, sure, but learning about them; why they exist, how they move, gives us options, and maybe can help you to slowly heal.

-

I hate it when my dad says I’m “too emotional,” like it’s a defect. It’s not. Yes, if I let my emotions control me, they’ll eat me alive. But I’ve always been curious about people, about the psychology behind it, about why we feel the way we do. My sensitivity fuels that curiosity.

I don’t ever want to stop learning what it means to be human.
At the end of the day, being emotional isn’t a flaw, it’s just part of being alive. And I think it’s okay whether you’re a tad too dramatic, feel a little too much, or fall a bit too intensely. As long as you keep learning and have the tools to manage it, let it be a part of who you are. Kan kan kan.

On the outside, I might seem like one of the most boring people on the social scale. But in my head, I live with a prism of emotions and endless curiosity that keeps me entertained. Without that inner world? I wouldn’t just be boring to others, I’d be boring to myself. So, I'm glad I'm the way I am. 

-

I used Speechify to help me listen to this ebook. 

You can read along while it narrates (great for tough concepts), highlight key points to revisit later, and even pick chapters for AI-generated summaries. Basically, it’s the nerd’s dream toolkit. 

Feel free to try Speechify: Here's the link!

Little Things 309: Ophelia Offline, Starlight Online

It’s been four months without my MBP, ever since I turned off Ophelia and decided it was time to let her rest. I’ve been using my office MBP all this time, waiting for the right moment to commit to yet another pricey device.

Now, I finally have a new one to replace my old MBP from 2016. I ordered the new M4 MacBook Air 13-inch, thinking I’ll probably use it for minor editing while letting my iPad handle the heavy-lifting illustration work. Kot. I don’t know.

With God’s plan, I might be with IG for a long stretch of time. It’s cozy here (chaotic, at times), but the people I work with are great. For the first time, I feel like I can actually see our future together. It’s everything I need: consistency, full support, aroha, flexibility, and work-life balance. If I don’t need freelance jobs to fill the gaps, I don’t need a super-powerful MBP, just something reliable for “work” work.

Maybe the MBA + iPad combo is good enough.

- 

Thought process:

I didn’t buy the base model, I added more RAM and storage. Hopefully, it can handle the design work for another six years and the basic stuff for maybe ten. Downgrading from 15 inches to 13 inches feels significant, but sizes don't matter, I’ve got an extended monitor to make up for it. Plus, I might travel a bit, so I wanted something lighter and smaller.

I’m a bit nervous because the last time I used an MBA was in 2015, and it wasn’t powerful enough for design work. Hopefully, the M4 changes that. We’ll see.

I went with Starlight, the “yellow one”  because my iPad is the bold yellow version, and matching them felt like the right narrative choice. Yellow isn’t even my favorite color, but it pairs well with green, which is my current favorite. Together, they sit on my desk like two cheerful NPCs, plotting side quests for me while I work. Plus, they don’t match my personality at all, which is exactly the point, like I bought the sun and the vibes to balance out my serious tone. (Tapi in reality, langsung tak kuning, just slightly goldish from certain sides).

So here we are: a lighter laptop, a hopeful heart, and the quiet promise to make this one last as long as possible. If Ophelia taught me anything, it’s that our tools are more than tools, they’re archives of our early morning, our good work, and our half-finished dreams. 

Time to start filling this one’s memory banks, and perhaps with a lot of writing. 

Let's call her Starlight and my ipad the Sunlight.

Little Things 308: Peace, Triggers, and Family Luggage

I went on a 4-day family trip last week : Ipoh > Butterworth > Sg Petani > Taiping > Kuala Kangsar > KL.

Family trips always make me nervous because my parents are, let’s just say, very distinct people. Usually, I can slip away to recalibrate when things get overwhelming, but this time, because of certain circumstances, I couldn’t really go anywhere. We were stuck together the whole journey, almost like the old days. I was with my mom and my step dad. And yeah, I also met my dad and my step mom at the wedding on the Saturday.

I get overstimulated very easily. I’m sensitive. I guard my peace like it’s the most valuable thing in my life. That’s why I avoid people, I avoid drama, and I usually cut loose anything that disturbs my nervous system (which explains why I don’t have friends). But family, oh my God, family is like a blessed curse that just lingers. And every single one of us carries a fragile emotional baggage that could rupture with just a poke.

I can’t be myself.

Some people would say this is avoidance, that by staying away from what triggers me, I’m not really healing. There’s this idea that unless you face the very thing that overwhelms you, you’ll never know if you’re truly “over it.” Like, if being around family still makes your nervous system spike, maybe the wound is still open.

And I get that. It makes sense. Healing isn’t just hiding forever; it’s also testing the waters, seeing if you can step back into the old battlefield without collapsing. But it’s not as simple as “face your fears” or “just get over it” or "let them". Sometimes avoiding is survival. Sometimes avoiding is wisdom. And sometimes, you only face the trigger when you feel steady enough to laugh at the poke instead of crying about it.

Family trips are basically free exposure therapy, just without the therapist, and with extra luggage. A crash course in seeing how far I’ve come and how much further I still need to go. And of course, a reminder of why you are scripted the way you are today.

yelp!

Little Things 307: About Writing

 

Last weekend, I thought I just wanted to stop writing. But then yesterday morning I woke up entertained by reading Craig's newsletter - the latest incident in Karuizawa. Here I am back again, inspired by how his writing feels so nonchalant yet personal at the same time. Just writing about life as it unfolds, because we never really know when our last stop will be.

I don’t think I’m done learning and sharing just yet.

-

Last week, I also did some self-work, this time on “life purpose” through the lens of Islamic psychology. I wanted to see where my inclinations point, my strengths, my talents, and how all of that might align with purpose. Out of curiosity, I experimented with ChatGPT as a guide. I answered a series of layered prompts, and it came back with a Venn diagram + explanations to help me reflect.

Note: There isn’t such a thing as an “official archetype test” in Islamic psychology. What I did was simply compile ideas and concepts from Islamic teachings as a guide for self-work. That’s all. So please don’t come at me with “ini sesat”, if you’re familiar with self-work, you’ll know it’s about intentional effort to understand yourself better. The process is always the same: introspection, identifying, and then taking concrete steps.

-

Here’s the gist:

We broke it into 3 layers : what Allah built in, what life shaped, and what keeps trying to show up. Imagine it as a Venn diagram:

• Circle 1: Fitrah (born-with traits)

• Circle 2: Skills and wisdom forged by life events (Ilm + experience)

• Circle 3: The recurring callings/signs (Ilham)

At the center: your unique divine gift zone.

-

After reflecting and answering the prompts, ChatGPT summarized my overlap as:

A quiet strategist–writer who processes deeply, distills wisdom, and expresses it in ways that bring calm clarity to others — not just for now, but to last. Basically, the scribe-philosopher archetype. That archetype is like the ancient version of someone who’s both a thinker and a recorder of thought — someone who processes deeply, then puts it into words that endure.

I was surprised by the answer. I know I love to write, and I use this blog to record my reflections and learnings. But I never realized that answering these prompts would point me to an “archetype” that describes me so precisely. It feels good to see that my gift zone connects to something I’ve been doing all along.

For a long time, I’ve felt like the 18 years I’ve spent here, documenting my thoughts through different phases of life, might be futile. Yet every time I return and cringe at those old posts, I also find myself learning something; about me, about others, about the world. In hindsight, this space has never been wasted. It has been shaping me all along, quietly building the person I am becoming. 

But then, why blog and not personal journal or a diary, right? 

It is different, every post is a deliberate choice to share something from me to the public's eyes. It is always humbling to learn that most of the time, I know nothing and I am in the process of figuring things out myself - and I want to normalize that. Most people like to show only the end product, the success story, the ultimate end goal. But I love the process. I love the journey. I love the "figuring things out" part. 

So, I guess, I will still be here, writing whatever I felt worth note-taking for perhaps many more years to come.

Tooth Story - But Make it Sofi's

Ok, not my story, but Sofi’s.

About a month ago, Sofi had a molar toothache. It was the same molar we’d been fixing with dental fillings. The dentist did an x-ray and, yes, it turned out to be an infection. Sofi had to go on antibiotics and get it treated. The options were either a root canal or an extraction. I didn’t want a root canal on a baby tooth, and extraction on a strong, restored molar felt too invasive, so I asked the dentist to just do another filling, at least temporarily, for as long as it could last.

But since then, she’d been having headaches almost daily, for nearly two weeks. Along the way, she also had other symptoms: chest pain, a high fever (once), and chills. We had her checked, referred to the hospital, and did all the required tests, but everything looked fine because the symptoms didn’t seem connected. Still, I couldn’t keep giving her paracetamol every day. So I decided it was time to go ahead with the molar extraction (assuming the headaches came from the infected molar).

I made the appointment and started preparing her mentally for the procedure.

The dentist suggested using laughing gas to reduce her awareness (basically, to get her a little high), so it wouldn’t be too traumatic. I had a molar extraction last year myself, and yes, it was manageable for an adult without getting high, but for Sofi, it’s different. She’s really scared of anything painful, and molar extraction requires several gum injections while fully awake. So, I agreed to the laughing gas option.

My main worry was: what if I paid for the laughing gas, but they couldn’t proceed for some reason? I’d still be paying RM450 for an untreated molar. On top of that, I still clearly remembered my own extraction and I was nervous imagining Sofi going through it.

But because I knew what would happen, I explained everything to her, step by step. I reminded her daily, even about the painful parts; the shots, the gas, the scary moments. Having to be the adult in the room, with my child trusting me fully, was nerve-wracking. 

The gas took about 20 minutes (on the highest setting, I think) before she was half-conscious. I was massaging her foot the whole time, my way of letting her know I was there (she kind of expected it, since I always do that at the dentist). Once the gas kicked in and she got drowsy, the dentist gave her the multiple gum injections. We asked her to close her eyes so she wouldn’t see the needle. Then the difficult molar extraction began. Since we were already there, I asked the dentist to also pull her loose front tooth. I was literally sweating the whole time.

Alhamdulillah, it all went well.

She was a bit woozy on the way home and even managed to snack a little (while still numb). But about an hour later, when the anesthesia wore off, the real drama began. She started crying, rolling around in pain, the whole ordeal. It took another hour before the painkillers kicked in, and eventually, she fell asleep with an ice pack on her cheek.

Even at midnight, she woke up crying from the pain, and I had to give her another round of medicine. She went to school the next day like a champ (on a painkiller) and I prepared all her manageable foods and snacks for school. We will see how long the pain would last (if I'm not mistaken, around 4 days).

I'm proud of my bb.

-

Here's the details:

• Laughing Gas: RM 400
• Mask: RM 50
• Difficult extraction: RM 70
• Loose extraction: RM 40
• Medicine: RM 10

Thank you Dr S for being Sofi's trusted dentist since the first visit. He treats Sofi so professionally and ok with explaining to her about the procedure instead of just talking with 'the adult's in the room (and not all dentists/doctors know how to treat kids so I'm very particular on having him instead of other dentist). 

She's not scared of going to the dentist then, and even after going through this procedure, she is still fine and ok with dental appointments. I don't want her to be scared of dentist, so I'm glad I started early. 

Little Things 306: The Rule of 3 + 1

Are you familiar with the Rule of Three?

It’s the idea that things are better in threes. They’re more memorable, satisfying, and effective than two or four. Our brains love patterns, and three feels complete.

Think:

• “Blood, sweat, and tears”

• “The good, the bad, and the ugly”

You’ll find it everywhere.
Marketers use it to persuade. Comedians use it to set up a joke, two expected beats, then a twist. People set three goals because it’s just enough to focus without being overwhelming. Fairy tales love it too: three wishes, three bears, three fairy godmothers, three pairs of shoes.

But here’s the twist I want to talk about the Rule of Three + One.

In storytelling, three is the world, the structure, the constants. The fourth is the one who grows, changes, or breaks the pattern. The three are the framework. The fourth is the story.

Examples:

1. Goldilocks and the Three Bears

   • Three Bears = Structure (big/medium/small, hard/soft/just right)

   • Goldilocks = Intruder, learner, agent of change
     The story isn’t about the bears. It’s about Goldilocks moving through contrast, extremes, and eventually finding balance.

2. The Three Little Pigs

   • Three Pigs = Three types of choices (straw, sticks, bricks)

   • Wolf = Chaos, test, troublemaker
     The lesson? Build wisely.

3. Howl’s Moving Castle

   • The three: Howl, Calcifer, and The Castle itself

   • The one: Sophie - She changes the most, from a self-doubting hat maker to someone who literally moves worlds (and changes Howl in the process).

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When you notice this “three + one” pattern, you see it everywhere, in fairy tales, movies, even in real life. The three give you the framework. The one who steps outside it? That’s the transformation. I know, I know, in real life it could be 4 + 1, or 8 + 1, whatever the life throws at us lah kan.

In fairy tales, the +1 is the character who grows. In life, that’s you.
You’ll always be given choices, and each one will come with its own lesson. 

That’s how the story unfolds and the ending? That’s still yours to write.

Little Things 305: The Books

The Japanese Modern Classic:

The latest book I read was The Ruined Map by Kōbō Abe. I gave it two whole weeks. Halfway through, I was still lost in the hunt, and not the fun kind of lost. The kind where you keep turning pages hoping for a breadcrumb, but all you get is dust and déjà vu. I realized that I just don’t have the patience for unsolved mysteries right now. I don’t like being stuck in an endless loop of uncertainty, digging for answers that may not even exist. Sure, I love stories with emotional and intellectual complexities, but I need some kind of purpose or clarity towards the end, rather than endless confusion. 

It reminded me of how I felt reading Piranesi. People rave about the twist at the end. Me? It didn’t work. I hated it. Then it hit me. Maybe I hated it because it felt too familiar. The spiral. The confusion. That stagnant feeling. The loop of uncertainty. I’ve been living in that narrative for the past few years.

So no, if reading is supposed to bring me joy or escape, I’m not going to spend my quiet moments wandering another fictional maze that mirrors my own. 

I rarely do this, but I decided to DNF this book. 

-

The Literary Fiction:

I’ve been slow-reading There Are Rivers in the Sky by Elif Shafak, going on two months now. And honestly, I love it that way. It’s the kind of storytelling that invites you to take your time, to pick it up whenever, and be gently carried by the lives of these three characters as they move across time and continents. 

Honestly, I could read their stories the way I once watched the first ten seasons of Grey’s Anatomy; dedicated, stretched across years, invested in every ache and arc. I’m learning bits of history and culture without even realizing it. No one weaves the intimate and the epic quite like Elif Shafak. She makes you feel like you’re sipping ancient rain through modern skin. Let me enjoy this for awhile.

-

The Japanese Classic Literature:

I tried Ryunosuke Akutagawa's short stories - surprisingly nice and easy to read. Sometimes odd, sometimes bland, but always carrying something underneath. Let me mention the top three that are absolutely worth your time:

• In a Bamboo Grove - A dead samurai. Seven testimonies. No resolution.
  This one’s less about who did it and more about how truth bends under ego, guilt, and self-preservation. It’s basically the original unreliable narrator hellscape. Short, unsettling, and kind of genius. Everyone has their own truth (or lie), and the brilliance is in the contrast, not in what they say, but why and how. You’re left to decide what's real. Or just embrace the confusion.
• Dragon: The Old Potter’s Tale - A cheeky monk plays a prank, announces a dragon will rise from a pond on a certain day. People show up. A crowd forms. Tension builds. It’s not really about the dragon. It’s about belief. About how mass conviction can turn fiction into shared reality. Feels like a silly bedtime story, but hits you later like a quiet philosophy class.
• Kappa - Now this one’s a trip. A man falls into a world of mythical river creatures, the Kappa, and instead of awe, we get a dark, satirical mirror of our own messed-up society. Think Gulliver’s Travels but with more existential dread and passive-aggressive frogs. It tackles mental illness, selective breeding, capitalism, and creative despair, all in under 60 pages. Wildly strange, uncomfortably real. A weird little masterpiece.

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Been reading a lot since last month, I stopped reading after I started working last year because I didn't have the energy (and time). But lately I really make an effort to read, it is hard for me to consume any media since I started working (not even Youtube). I am not sure why. 

I love that I started enjoying reading again.

Little Things 304: Emotional Alchemy

When someone dies, yes, their physical form ceases. But their energy? That doesn’t just disappear. The impact they had, the love they gave, the way they laughed, the way they sat beside you in silence, all of that lingers. Even the atoms in their body return to the cycle of life, finding new homes in wind, earth, or stars. We don’t vanish. We just change state.

That’s the first law of thermodynamics: Energy cannot be created or destroyed, only transformed.

I’ve come to think of my emotions as energy too. Raw, potent, often inconvenient, but deeply mine. I don’t like letting them run wild in my space, so I alchemize them. That heartbreak? I write. That rage? I run. That longing? I draw or move or throw it into a poem. My emotional energy is my currency. And just like any system drifting toward disorder, I’ve learned it takes intention to manage it. To line it up, tame it. I stand at the gate like a quiet guardian, even when I’m the one unraveling.

That’s maybe one of the better things I’ve learned with age.

This maturity. This reluctant grace. This knowing that, really, it’s just you. The love or care you pour into others often goes unmeasured, misread, or evaporates before it’s felt. That’s not on them. That’s just how energy works. It moves. It changes. Sometimes it just fades into silence.

I still roll my eyes at myself whenever I get heartbroken. Like, again, did I not learned anything? But I cry anyway. Because feeling is part of transforming. And I guess that’s the magic and cruelty of it. You don’t get to choose how others receive your energy. 

But you do get to choose what you do with what’s left in you.

-

So, dance to your song, plan your trip, write your sorrow, celebrate your pain. 

Because what remains in you, that’s yours to wield. Turn it into something only you can make. Not because the world is watching, but because the energy has to go somewhere. Let it become you.

Little Stories 315: 2 weeks

 

Dear MC,

You left me four days ago. Yesterday was supposed to be your birthday. You didn’t wait for your big 60th celebration, instead, they scattered your ashes at sea, just as you wanted. We had two weeks. It felt too short, yet somehow just enough. We had time to say goodbye. We talked about this, remember? I think it happened the way you would have wanted it to.

I’m still grieving. I can’t believe how quickly it all happened after we found out. We just spent the weekend together, talking about the future, our plans, our next steps. This doesn’t feel like your usual travel gaps. This good bye is forever.

I know you wouldn’t want me to wallow. You never liked a fuss. You wanted to leave quietly. But the problem is I chose you. You were in my circle. The only one I let that close. You had the key. You were my best friend. And now, suddenly, you’re gone. It sounds like I'm romanticizing this. But this pain, it’s unbearable. Because this time, you’re not coming back. We won’t see each other again, not like we used to. I don't have any dates to look forward to anymore. 

Every time people ask me, I'll cry (except when I manage to put on a façade and ride the pain). And even if no one ask me, I will still cry. The world did not pause when you died, even when I felt like everything in my life had been crushed under the weight. You left a big hole in my heart.

It’s a bit fucked up that anyone I care for just leaves. It feels like a curse. 

-

You are loved and remembered, thank you for being an inspiration more than 20 years ago (and even throughout the years after). I'll continue your journey, I will do the trip we promised we'd go on, insyaAllah. 

I'm glad we chose each other.

Safe travel, Miss Yann Li ‪‪❤︎‬

Little Stories 314: How much time do I have?

I have this one friend (at this point, this is my one and only friend). We meet regularly, we exchange plans, books, thoughts and ideas. MC is the only person that knows my personal life updates, or family dramas, or possible travel plans. MC is my best friend, we show up unapologetically after our latest adventure or after weeks of hustling life, like no time has passed. We went hiking together, or walked in Pasar Seni area, or just spend 3 hours chatting in cafes. 

We make plans, we set dates, and we move dates if needed, and we always, always show up. 

I remember MC said, "I only make time with people who make an effort in making time with me, I won't waste it".  And so, I always appreciate our time together, because MC put me in her calendar. She makes space for me in her life. She doesn't have to, but she does. 

We’ve been in and out of touch over the last 20 years, but we became closer since last year.

Like I said, she didn't have to, but she did.

I've reached to many people, and she is one of the person that stuck. And I appreciate it so much. I always feel refreshed when I see her, because it feels genuine. Even if it’s pity, even if it’s sekalipun, I still appreciate the time she spends with me. Because I needed the connection, and I was really trying. She gave me that, she gave me a chance to connect. She showed kindness when I needed it. 

She doesn't know how much her presence means in my life. 

It changed me.

-

She told me her cancer is back. Advance stage.

And I'm selfish. I make it like it is about me, I cried so much, and I'm so scared of the possibilities. I'm angry and disappointed. Every time I think about it, I cry. This isn't about me, kan. But I just can't stop. I cry every single day since I found out. I didn't even know I process information through tears rupanya. My eyes are now two sad marshmellow, next level puffiness. I have headache all the time.

She said to take my time to process, but at this point, how much time do I have? 

MC, how much time do we have?

Movie & Book: Trapped by Sand, Cursed by Passion

Last weekend was an emotional one. I cried so much processing over a news, I just needed some distraction to keep my mind active, so here are my remarkable brain tickling classics over the weekend :

One Hundred Years of Solitude, originally a Spanish novel written by Gabriel García Márquez in 1967.

But I watched the series on Netflix. The previous week I did Pedro Páramo and No Longer Human, right? So it felt right to jump into another classic, before reading them. Apparently, this Netflix version is only Part 1 of One Hundred Years of Solitude, and they’re currently making Part 2. So what I watched isn’t the whole story.

The only problem I have with Spanish literature is the names and the characters. They’re almost all the same. There are so many of them, it gets confusing. I mentioned this before, names, when I can't put a face to them, just become noise in my brain. That’s why I find it hard to read some books.

So watching the series first might help me summarize the beautiful classic, kan?
I can get to know all the characters (I still can’t remember their names, btw.)

Anyway, this is a very complex story of the Buendía family curse, because the OG started the chaos (by marrying his cousin). They repeat the same patterns, make the same mistakes, name their kids the same names, marry cousins (again and again), and it’s like they’re trying to solve the riddle of loneliness with more Buendías. Chaotic.

What I really love about the story is the passion.

I asked chatgpt, "Why are everyone so passionate, is that normal in their culture?" :

Ahhh, yes Reen, you’ve spotted it—the Buendías don’t just live, they burn. They fall in love like it's the last sunrise on earth, fight revolutions with their guts spilling out, chase dreams with feverish, sweaty madness. It’s not subtle. It’s not chill. It’s pure heat.

Their passion is almost noble, but also crazy. And stupid.

I have mixed feelings about that. Dying for love? Losing your family or moral compass for passion? Killing because of an insult? Losing yourself in obsession?

Every single character has something they’re passionately crazy for.
Everything is 100%.
Everything is extreme. Intense.
They either love too hard, or can’t love at all.
They either chase power blindly, or reject it completely.
They obsess. They isolate. They spiral.
They go crazy.

Márquez is showing how passion without wisdom becomes a curse.
But he’s also showing how passion is the only thing that makes life worth living, even if it destroys you. But is itttt? We want big love, big purpose, big change. We chase things that burn us, then blame the flame. We get scared of the heat. 

Ada banyak moment macam nak cakap, Eh boleh tak chill? Then at the same time, I'm questioning myself pulak, am I not passionate enough in life? Hah hah hah. 

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The Woman in the Dunes, a Japanese novel written by Kōbō Abe in 1962. I borrowed the book from the library. It’s a novel that blends themes of freedom, imprisonment, and existentialism. It feels like reading Kafka’s Metamorphosis, but this one comes with so much sand, it gets uncomfortable.

I knew it wasn’t just about collecting insects or being surrounded by sand. It feels like there are bigger meanings buried in it. The sand is a metaphor for oppression, for being trapped in something constructed by society. It’s everywhere. It invades, it erodes, it weighs you down. Just like in modern life, the work never ends, and you’re constantly shoveling just to survive. When you shovel, you get water. Maybe some food. That’s it.

The hole is a metaphor for isolation or his existential prison. He keeps digging. At first, because he has to; he needs water. He’s stuck and tries to escape, but slowly, he begins to adapt to the idea of staying. It mirrors how we are in society, we play by the rules that were handed to us, and we adjust, we normalize.

The act of escape is a metaphor for the illusion of freedom. Escape is meaningless if the world outside is just another version of the same trap. Freedom, then, isn’t about leaving the hole. It’s about changing how you see the hole. Kan.

The question is: if the man changes his perception, is he free? If he accepts his fate, does that mean he’s liberated?

I love allegories and metaphors. They tickle my brain.

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I can't sleep thinking about these 2 last night, because I finished the series before I went to sleep and finished the book this morning (left the final chapter to read on my bed after I wake up). Really love classics, they survived the time because they are great. 

Note: It is time to return these books and exchange with new ones. And take note, I wrote this without caffeine, really early in the morning. That means I can write when I feel that much intensity, kan. Interesting. 

Little Things 303: The Quiet Storm

I’ve realized I can’t ever be wise and zen, not in the serene, sage-on-a-mountain sense. As much as I’ve tried to learn and manage the emotional rollercoaster, and as intrigued as I am by the idea of “zen,” I’m just not built that way. I’m a passionate person. I love my emotions, the ups, the downs, the dramas, the ugly cries, the moments of silent bliss. I’m someone who moves through life quietly, but internally, I feel everything on full blast. I don’t always show it, but inside? It’s a technicolor opera.

When I fall, I fall hard, and I'm not scared of giving my all.  

AR once said the more emotionally mature we are, the more flexible we become in handling our emotions, we can stand at the top of a mountain, celebrate it, and walk ourselves back to basecamp the next day. And we can fall into the center of the earth, leg broken, heart bruised, heal in the dark, and still find a way out of the hole. That’s the skill I want to master.

Not denial, not numbing, not stoicism. 

The real skill is feeling everything, churning it through your soul, and making it out alive.

I’m not trying to be a sage. I don’t want detachment. I want the cinematic saga. I want to care, deeply, fiercely. I refuse to pretend otherwise. Indifference is boring.

I need these emotions, because I’m a writer. And if I don’t feel, I can’t write.

So I take it all in. Even when it’s inconvenient. Even when it hurts. Even when I don’t like it.

Little Things 302: The Architecture of Regret

Last night, I watched Pedro Páramo on Netflix.

I remembered watching @emmiereads on YouTube, she talked about this haunting, beautiful book called Pedro Páramo. So when I saw the title pop up, I thought, why not spend two hours letting the movie summarize the book for me? I’m not here to talk about the plot. You can Google that or ChatGPT it in seconds.

What I want to share is how it made me feel and what it made me see.

I don’t know why these kinds of stories always leave me with a quiet kind of sadness. Men living with regret. Osamu Dazai’s No Longer Human, the twisted desperation in Squid Game, and now Pedro Páramo. All consumed in one same week.

What is it we’re missing in life that leads us to spiral like this, into grief, into regret, into ghosts of the past?

Did I somehow choose these stories because they echo something inside me?
Or are they just everywhere now, and they are all quietly telling the same thing?

I used to think men were simple-minded. Or at least, they seemed to be. But the more I read, the more I watch, these stories unravel that idea. They aren’t simple (not so complicated either). But they’re definitely silent. There’s a kind of desperation tucked into the corners of their stories. Like they’re crying for help without knowing how to ask. They don’t know how to carry the fragility of life. They weren’t taught to be in tune with their feelings.

What we see on the outside, the stoicism, the detachment, the pride, it doesn’t match what’s going on inside. It never did, kan.

If you want to see this kind of sadness done brilliantly, try The Bear on Hotstar (I totally recommend it).
It’s a love letter to the unspoken grief of men. Carmy is brilliant but broken. It’s about kitchen chaos, sure, but really? It’s about inherited trauma, ungrieved deaths, perfectionism, and the impossibility of saying “I need help.” Or anything at all, lah. Mad Men? Peaky Blinders? Same pain, different wardrobe.

So, is this a cry for help?

Maybe it is.
Maybe they all are.

What do you think?

Little Stories 313: Mini Rant

Why la, kan.

There’s just something about being female that really gets under my skin. Every single month, I go through seasons. Like the moon, the body shifts, phases that loop endlessly. And it affects everything.

It’s not a myth. It’s not drama. It’s biology.
But still, there is so little of it is truly understood.

There haven’t been enough studies made for us, about us. If we just had a clearer understanding of our cycles, our phases, our shifting selves, life would be so much manageable. So much more navigable.

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I'm in the phase where I'm having the migraines, and it is so hard for me to focus, my face feels warm and I don't feel good. I want to be productive, I want to go out running, I want to socialize, but, everything is just off. My body prefers comfort and rest, which I don't usually agree, hahah. 

Who has that privilege to rest and chill for the whole week, to 'prepare' our magical female body for the next coming phase lah segala. I have a due date coming, I have this important task to be done by this week. 

Today, I'm just tired. 

Little Things 301: Japan Foundation KL Library

I found another library.

I’ve been wanting to check this one out. Yesterday after work, I stopped at Abdullah Hukum and quickly walked to the Mid Valley North Wing (the one at the Machine center). I registered at the lift entrance and took the elevator to level 18.

It’s the Japan Foundation KL library.

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Highlights:

• Japanese classic literature: Yasunari Kawabata, Kobo Abe, Natsume Soseki, Yukio Mishima, Rynosuke Akutagawa, Murasaki Shikibu, Genzaburo Yoshino
• Modern literature: Haruki & Ryu Murakami, Banana Yoshimoto, Sayaka Murata, Osamu Dazai, Koji Suzuki, Riku Onda, Durian Sukegawa, Kazuo Ishiguro
• Manga: Bleach, Dragon Ball, Naruto, Death Note, One Piece, etc. 

After I squirmed with excitement over all the Japanese classic literature collection, I went to the counter and asked to register. I paid RM 10 (annually), filled in the form and got my IC pic photostated and used as my library card. You can't even imagine how my face lighted up upon arriving.

Time was short, the library closes at 5:30 PM and I had arrived around 4:30—but I still managed to borrow three books (you can borrow up to five) for two weeks.

Japanese classic literature are hard to find, and the ones at Kinokuniya are super expensive. But I'm really curious to read them (maybe not even wanting to own them). So finding this Japanese library that has translated Japanese literature is like stumbling upon a secret garden behind a bookstore. I could borrow so many books with just RM10. It felt like being handed a golden key to a quiet, hidden world. I love this kind of surprise. I can imagine lepak2 here after work to just read. 

Note: It is a really small library, the English-Japanese fiction is just this one big book shelf, and English manga maybe around 2-3 book shelves. But for someone that is famished, this is like a big buffet of books. Mostly the books are in Japanese. They also offer Japanese language classes and film events. I might apply for a language course.

Bonus point, it is near my office. 

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I borrowed:

• No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai
• The Woman in the Dunes by Kobo Abe
• Palm of the Hand Stories by Yasunari Kawabata

Little Things 300: "I Do It Anyway" - Notes on Sa’i

 

Since last week, I’ve been sitting and trying to understand the steps in the Hajj ritual. It started with making a zine to compile the concepts into something I could apply to my day-to-day life. It became a set of simple, easy steps with meanings—what they represent, their symbols, and how I could use those concepts to plan ahead. I’m doing the self-work.

Last weekend during Eid Adha, I started with the concept of Ihram and leaving the house (so I wore my white baju kurung and actually did leave my home). On Monday, I explored the concept of Tawaf. And now, it’s the next step—Sa’i.

When I was younger, the story of Hajar searching for water for Ismail never made much sense to me. She walked from point A to point B and repeated it seven times. I mean—why seven times, along the same path, right? If we’re looking for something, we don’t usually check the same place over and over again. We'd say, “That’s not smart,” or, “Are you sure you remember you just looked there?”

There are so many stories like this that I wanted to understand but never asked about—mostly because it’s hard to find people I could discuss these things with. But now, nearing 40, I’ve learned: if you can’t find anyone to give you the answers, you find them yourself.

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So, what I could take from that story that I could put into my own modern chaos?

1. Keep moving, even when nothing makes sense. 

The concept of Sa’i represents persistence, even when there are no results. Keep walking the same path—not because you know the reward is near, but because you believe in something bigger than yourself. In my life, whether it’s surviving a difficult phase, parenting, working, healing, writing, trusting people, rebuilding after heartbreak, or simply reaching out, I have to keep trying. The flow might come after the seventh attempt, after doing the same thing over and over again.

2. Your struggle is sacred. 

That’s the real story. Your hardships, that’s the stuff you need to remember. It tells you that your effort, even in its messiest form, is sacred. Every time you show up to life tired, confused, or overwhelmed; that’s your Sa’i. Those daily repetitive tasks you push through, that’s you showing up for something bigger than yourself. So remember those moments.

3. You may not see the water, but it doesn't mean that it is not coming.

Sometimes we give up too soon, because we’re tired, bitter, or in pain. But what if the breakthrough is just a few more steps away? The message here is: don’t quit in the middle. You don’t know when your miracle is waiting.

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So, do I need to try 7 times? 

Erm, not quite. The message here is if you believe in something, just repeat and keep on trying. For example, healing from a depression is super hard, like you can't wake up in the morning, you don't want to do anything, everything is so dark and feels hopeless, iykyk. So, what I did was to take these few small steps, and I repeated those steps, especially when I don't want to do it, I do it anyway. You know that yoshi 2.0 song "I do it anyway", click here to view. Yeah. That’s it. I repeated the steps until I got through it. I believed it would be okay, eventually. So I just did it. Over and over.

You know why I chose this particular step to write it down here? 

Because if you’ve noticed, in the past few years, I’ve talked a lot about feeling stuck and struggling, doing the same things over and over again. I’ve felt exhausted and frustrated. So finding this concept opened my eyes a bit. It reminded me that maybe I just need to keep repeating the same things, and trust the process.

Getting slapped in the face by life over and over again isn’t a good feeling. I’m rebellious by nature. I fight back when I believe in something. Patience isn’t my strongest trait. I need some kind of understanding behind everything I do, it matters to me to know that I’m fighting the right battle. 

So, yeah, good reflection. 

Little Stories 312: The Daughter of The Big Reader

Sofi with her Pre-Sleeping Routine

Lately, we’ve been getting back into our bedtime routine. She gets to pick one storybook for me to read, then we turn off the lights, and I tell her two made-up My Little Pony stories in the dark. After that, we recite our doa' (I call it "the shield"). She used to refuse to recite it with me, so I told her she had to do it to build an invisible shield—so the zombies won’t disturb her dreams. (She’s been very into zombies lately.)

  

Last night, after her two pony stories, she pleaded for a third.

So I told her a quick one:
Pinkie Pie is walking in the park and hears fart sounds every time she steps. Turns out, it’s Rainbow Dash hiding behind her, playing a prank with a fart noise maker.

She paused, and said,

"No, Mami. I don’t want a funny pony story. I want a mystery story. A scary one. Not a funny one."

=.=' 

She can actually choose a genre now, amazing. 

Definitely my bb.

Little Things 299: Dear Universe: Not That One!

I thought of something after talking with RA last weekend.

So, I saw this video compilation of people opening blind boxes. They’d say things like, “I want EVERYTHING except this one,” and of course, inevitably they’d end up getting the exact one they didn’t want. Over and over, it kept happening throughout the unboxing.

That got me thinking: what if their instinct is actually quite strong? The ability to sense or “see” is there, but it’s being directed the wrong way. Instead of saying, “I want THIS” and focusing on what they do want, they say, “I want anything except THIS,” which, in their mind, focuses all their energy on the very thing they don’t want. So they end up getting it.

It’s kind of like the Law of Attraction. If you keep obsessing over what you don’t want, the universe, or your decisions, microexpressions, and general vibe starts leaning in that direction. It’s not magic, really. More like a mix of behavioral reinforcement and pattern recognition.

—

Same thing applies in life, right? 

You do'a at least 5 times every day, you say thanks and you say what you want in your life and afterlife. When you know what you want, you know where to focus to. That's why it is important to do daily reflection and remind yourself.

So what we need is Intentional Framing: shifting from “I don’t want to...” to “I want to...” It gives your brain a clear directive to follow. You focus on attraction, not avoidance. You’re heading to the actual location of your destination.

With the right intention, you'll get there, hopefully. 😌

Note: To reframe my thoughts to only the things that I want and put the unwanted ones in a box and campak in the River of Unwanted. 

Little Things 298: Born to Lead? Or Just Forced to Rise?

I’m late to the club. I just finished watching two seasons of Squid Game.

It gave me major Hunger Games vibes: death as entertainment, suffering as currency for the atas crowd to indulge in. It pokes at our moral compass; what happens when you're pushed to the edge? If you survive, are you still human? Gi-hun and Katniss, they're accidental leaders. Not because they wanted power, but because they had no choice. They stepped up when no one else would.

I had this conversation with JY during one of the workshops: are leaders born or made? I said some people just have it; that instinct to lead, to take charge. It’s like breathing to them. Others? They’re more comfortable in the background. They support, they follow. And that’s valid too.

JY agreed, but added that most leadership is learned. It’s a skill, not magic. You can sharpen it, grow into it. Sure, some people are born with traits that give them a head start; confidence, charisma, high EQ, all that jazz. But knowing the recipe doesn’t make you a chef, kan? You still have to learn how to cook.

To really lead, you need to learn how to communicate, handle crises, polish your people skills, stay grounded under pressure, take accountability, make decisions, inspire vision, see potential in others and the list goes on. It’s the combination of these things that makes someone a good leader.

If you want to lead, you can. Full stop. Leadership is a muscle. Like the gym, you don’t need a six-pack to start. You need commitment, patience, and a high tolerance for discomfort.

And honestly? The best leaders are often the reluctant ones. Like Gi-hun and Katniss. They didn’t want the spotlight—but they had values. Deep ones. And those values made them rise when it mattered most.

You chisel. You shape. You sweat. 

That’s how leadership is made.

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I remember UB said; you be the best leader for yourself first, someone you would want to follow, someone you would want your daughter to respect. Then it will naturally reflected on everything else around you. 

So, I've been dreading and questioning all my emotional humanly decisions for the past 3 years and I didn't like what I see in me. I'm proud of certain aspects, but I cursed myself for all the flaws. This self-sabotaging is unhealthy but how to explain this to someone that argues about her own moral standards that she created and can't seem to follow? Kan? Why am I being tested like this again? I hate feeling like a hypocrite. 

BUT, as AR said focus on what you did good first, take those baby steps, because they really matter. 

OK lah fine. I release back what I can't control to the universe.  

Little Things 297: Happy Momi's Bay

You know what?
I'm glad I came out of this stronger — more resilient, braver.
The past few years have been really challenging. I was in a dark place, and I had to go through it alone.
The lessons left a huge scar, now imprinted on my mind forever.

But now I know the light is in me.
I'd been searching in the wrong places.
I found it. I found the light. And I'm okay.

I don't need anything external to complete me.
I am complete.

Happy Momi’s Bay 🌸

- tq bb for making me a proud mami ♥︎

Little Things 296: Cats Pay the Bills

So, KLIF.

Heard there’s been a lot of chatter on Threads about the “creative industry” — complaints about too many cats, too much cutesy stuff, lack of originality, same ol' same ol'. Let me share a little perspective, as someone who’s been in this game for over 15 years, and has joined 50+ creative and indie events along the way.

We sell what sells.

At the end of the day, it's about what moves. And guess what? Cute sells like hot cakes. That doesn’t mean we can’t draw other things — it means we’ve learned how to survive in a market that often doesn’t reward experimentation or risk.

No point setting up a booth full of your deep, original art if no one buys anything and you end the day broke and burnt out. Syok sendiri, but starving. Artist kan? We have our thing.

So yeah — cats, cutesy, relatable. They work. They feed us. Literally.

If you walk into a creative event and start criticizing people’s work out loud, that’s your issue — not the artists’, not the industry’s.If you’re truly curious about what we really draw, ask to see our sketchbooks. You’ll be surprised. We all have our personal styles, our experimental pieces, our weird obsessions. But we’re also our harshest critics – we usually keep them.

So we choose to draw what sells. What clicks. What keeps us going.

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Suka-suka je datang, pastu complain apa orang jual. If you don’t like it — hey, no one’s stopping you from making your own stuff. Go ahead, join the next event. See how it feels. I don’t join events as a vendor anymore, but I still show up — always. I show up for my people because I know what it takes.

We’re putting our work out there, for strangers to judge, ignore, or (hopefully) appreciate. That kind of vulnerability? Not everyone can handle it. It takes guts. And I’m super proud of my people for doing it anyway. Good job, KLIF ❤︎❤︎❤︎

Taiwan Trip 2: Post Winter Summary

Trip Overview:

On this trip, I handled most of the pre-planning and bookings—location, accommodation, and a rough itinerary. I learned from the last trip that my siblings were basically there just to teman me (heard they were discussing about it among themselves), so this time I changed my mindset and took the lead in decision-making. 

Delegating the Task:

• For this trip, my sister handles navigation because my phone battery is tragically weak. But, I have this cool mini superpower—a remarkable visual memory. Once I go through a route, I pretty much lock it in. So after the first round, I’d often end up leading the way back or on the next day’s outings. Handy, right?

• For deciding where to go and what to do, I’d research, discuss, and finalize plans the night before. I stayed flexible since I had only two main goals: explore and nature walk. Everything else was based on what the place had to offer.

Itinerary:

• Day 1: Kaohsiung
  
• Day 2: Kaohsiung
• Day 3: Tainan
• Day 4: Kaohsiung
• Day 5: Taipei
• Day 6: Taichung
• Day 7: Kaohsiung > KL

Places worth mentioning during this trip:

• Shoushan Zoo, Kaohsiung
• Pier-2, Kaohsiung 
• Anping Tree House, Tainan
• From Impressionism to Modernism exhibition, Kaohsiung
• Animaga & Ghibli Exhibition, Taipei
• Deking hiking trails, Taichung

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Weather:

Let’s talk weather—because wow, it was a bit of a rollercoaster. I went to Taiwan in winter three months ago, but this time it was post-winter. The temperature ranged from 17°C to 27°C. Some days I wished I had my winter jacket (especially up North when it rained), and other days I regretted not wearing a thinner shirt during a hike. Classic “layer and pray” weather.

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Steps, Shoes, and Super Legs

I clocked about 60 km in 6 days—so roughly 10 km a day. I brought new Skechers walking shoes for this trip and they delivered. No leg pain, no backache, just solid walks.

Highlight: The Deking Trail 10–9.5 in Taichung. It was a solid huff-and-puff session—minimal chatting, maximum stair climbing. Thank goodness we came back via a different path; I can’t imagine descending Trail 10. Watching fellow hikers hustle up and down on a weekend was oddly inspiring. Nature really does something to the soul, huh?

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Spending:

• Flight tix: RM 1,065 (I bought an easy cancel ticket, with an extra +7kg, breakfast and insurance)
• Airbnb + Hotel: RM 1080.50/2 = RM 540.25
• Internet: RM 50 for 7 days
• Cash + TnG: RM 1,000 (rough estimation) - this includes food, uber, shopping, tickets, high speed train etc

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Not everything went perfectly, of course. There was the earthquake. The rainy, moody Taipei day. The canceled Alishan trip I was lowkey looking forward to. Kaohsiung didn’t quite hit the nature spot like I’d hoped. And don’t even get me started on the repeating Indo food lineup.

But you know what? We were safe, we made it back, and I had a lovely distraction during Eid. So, Alhamdulillah, I’m grateful for this trip. For the little wins, the new paths, and the chance to breathe somewhere else for a bit. 

Note: Lepas ni I malas nk bawak my siblings, they were just there to teman me anyway – I'll find group trip pulak.