Saying Goodbye to the Library for Now:
I returned all the books I borrowed from the library before the school holiday started (but I accidentally borrowed one more when I went there - I will extend the time for this book and return it next year). Thanks to Perpustakaan Kuala Lumpur for existing ✿
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Cut My Hair & Watched 'The Boy & The Heron':
1. I roughly planned to cut my hair earlier, then suddenly on Friday, I was near my usual saloon after meeting a client. So I decided there and then to cut my hair - at first I thought I just wanted a short shoulder-length cut, but then I decided to do a boy cut. It wasn't even a pixie cut and it is unflattering. Now I look definitely like a teenage boy in the '90s again.
Just needed to do something with my hair fall issue and perhaps want the new year to start fresh. Plus, I feel a bit off with my feminine side lately because this year has been super tough and challenging.
2. Then I went to dPulze to watch The Boy & The Heron - the latest Miyazaki film (he said it is his last, but he announced his retirement 3 times already). I planned to watch it the day before, but apparently, it is only shown at certain TGV. So the reachable ones in my area were dPulze & Mines.
It was an amazing but weird story, nothing like I've ever seen before. It was strange and metaphorical, something I needed to sit and think through. But on the first watch, you can know that it lingers on the topic of grieving, saying goodbye, and moving on.
It tells a story about a young boy who enters a magical world to save his aunt. In the magical dream-like world, he undergoes challenges and psychological transformation, like Alice in Wonderland but a Ghibli version. Maybe I can revisit this again, the symbolism is worth exploring and perhaps make a post on this one day.
- This is the best writing to explain the movie. ⤶
- You can watch '10 Years with Hayao Miyazaki' here by NHK ⤶
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Transition ʚïɞ
Several huge things happened to me this week, but it is still ongoing and I'm still processing it, so I don't feel like I should share them here. But this has been a really overwhelming week to end 2023. At this point, I can't eat and I'm trying to figure out how to actually face it with the calmness and wisdom of an adult.
I realized that problem on top of more problems came upon me like stacked stones. A lot of times, I'm so scared of these chaotic changes that I have to go through because I really don't want any dramas in my life but they keep on inviting themselves in. I have no other choice but to face them and force myself to level up. But at the same time, I'm so angry about this chaos perhaps because I have not built any resilience towards it yet - or have not learned the wisdom that they would bring, yet.
So, one way or another, I had to learn how to navigate this. I told myself that it's okay to feel scared, or to feel angry or overwhelmed because that's what humans do. But I'm not giving up, tp it feels like a bit of a nuisance lah because 2023 has been so challenging.
Ma always asks me whether I'm okay, and what is okay even means? It's the rollercoaster ride of the world, the never-ending tough level on Super Mario and I'm bitter because I have not reached the winning flag yet (and it has been so long and I'm exhausted).
I had to ask for help a lot these past few years and I also don't like to ask for help, so this is another challenge for me to get through because every time I had to ask for help, I'd be angry at myself and I'd be bitter. Ugh, the cycle. I think I'm in the transitioning phase, like a chrysalis waiting for the time to be reborn as an adult. But to be reborn, I would need to leave the caterpillar phase and I won't be the same person anymore. Maybe that's what I'm scared about because I can feel my shell harden, and my perspective changes.
No one likes changes, or most people, well I don't. But life keeps on telling me to grow up perhaps because it is time to level up and learn a new wisdom. Well, I am here to tell you that I'm okay, but life isn't as perfect as it seems to be on social media, and that is also okay. I'm struggling a lot, but it is a manageable struggle :F
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I drew this sometime back in the early 2023. The purple moth represents a metamorphosis or a transition, a new beginning. It's a symbol of change, transformation, and growth. But now it is already the end of 2023, and I don't feel transformed yet. I guess, because all through 2023, my main question to myself is 'What do I want' and honestly, I can't answer that. So I've been playing with the question all through the year, toying with the answer, hiding behind the obvious, and so scared of making any changes.
Like I said, I don't like changes.
Then without changes, how would I grow?
Someone said that expression is the opposite of depression.
So as long as I can express it in my writing, I think I'll be okay.
Sekian, thank you for coming to my TEDtalk ʚïɞ ⋆ ˚ ✿ ˖ °
“In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love. In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile. In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm. I realised, through it all, that… In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger — something better, pushing right back.” - Albert Camus
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