Little Thing 271 : Creating A Habit, Sofi's Sports Day and Books I Read in September

So far I've been experimenting with the 2 posts every week and I have managed to maintain a good number since Feb (except in May, when I was struggling to think, let alone write). 8 is good, 2 posts each week is good. Sometimes I even write scheduled posts early on because I want to or I can, and I am proud of myself for having the discipline to sit and write something. Sometimes I just want to crawl under the bed and not write anything public (probably just disappear from the internet, just pack up and leave), but it is never good to listen to myself when the struggle is real. 

I'm not depressed anymore, I just find it hard to be content, that's all. My spirit is still burning, and I still want so many things in life. I think social media, in general, is unhealthy, the amount of time I spent there coveting the things that I don't have, comparing my life to others, and stalking lives. I know this is the norm these days, but I want to be able to step aside and actually have a life to live, away from the world that we created as our public persona. 

I want to walk. 

I think I needed to walk to survive this, and so I walked and kept on walking. Then slowly, I was able to write again, to have mental clarity, and hopefully, one day, to have the strength to let go of the things that have been anchoring me down.

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Last weekend we attended Sofi's sports day - in a closed badminton court (which I appreciated immensely because I really hate hot days out in the sun). When I was younger I used to hate sports, and I detested it with all my heart - didn't like the competition or the hassle, or the crowd, or the weather, or the attention. Just not a sports person, the only thing I was good at was endurance - the long walk or run, an activity that doesn't require interaction with other people. 

But, my Sofi was having a sports day and I'm a supportive mother, I wanted to be there for her. So the sports day was a day that I was looking forward to - I even asked my family to attend too (my brother and my mom were there). I was willing to be the cheerleader, but any other activities were passed to Af as agreed before the event. 

We arrived early, and we ate in the car, I packed tuna & egg wraps, boiled some quill eggs, and made Sofi a cheese sandwich. We went in, picked our spot, and passed Sofi to sit among her team. The thing that surprised me was how nervous she was when asked to be separated from us. She cried, she probably even wailed, she had to be soothed by a teacher for a while and was moody all the time she sat apart from us. Even when she clearly can see us sitting on the bench from afar. We never had this problem before, I think she started developing separation anxiety again since she started going to school full-day this month. This was new. 

Anyway, the event was cute. Children marched, toddlers danced in pompoms, and they played games even though the whole scene was so messy and they were scattered everywhere, it was so precious but boy, so hectic too. The 2 hours event was so fun because I mostly sat at the bench as a spectator, shouting 'whoowhoo' and clapping the long-blue tubes. 

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Books I Consumed in September:

• Look at the Lights, My Love by Annie Ernaux
• Babel by RF Kuang
• Reproduction by Louisa Hall
• Evil Eye by Etaf Rum
• Thieves by Lucie Bryon
• The Perfect Medicine by Brodie Ramin
• A Woman Is No Man by Etaf Rum
• The Half Moon by Mary Beth Keane

None of these books are perfect, but they give female empowerment vibes, a topic that is still new to me. RFKuang was 26 when she wrote Babel (650+ pages of beautifully crafted speculative fiction), Reproduction tells a story about the writer's own pregnancy and miscarriage, the traumatic experience of childbirth, and the insecurity of motherhood. Etaf Rum is a Palestinian refugee, her parents emigrated to the US, and the books that she wrote were from her own views, frustrated by her limitation as a Muslim woman in her society. The Half-Moon started well, but it ended quite badly so I didn't know what to summarize here. 

These books give me the strength to write and embrace my own insecurity. 

I'm happy that Scribd decided to give me another free month. So I've been listening to audiobooks while running these days, I don't listen to songs anymore because it will drag me into more melancholic phases that aren't healthy for my soul. Listening to other people's stories teaches me to focus on other people's voices while running, unlike listening to songs, which do not require constant focus.

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Note: 

This weekend was packed with activities; Sofi's sports day, family visiting, trying to do some work before going on a mini trip, preparing for yet another interview (tomorrow), and and and. I hope I can have a good night's sleep, I know I have a lot on my plate right now. Fin.