Some stories collected since last week:
The fall:
Early last week, it was raining when we were walking back after I picked up Sofi from kindergarten. Then we walked past the shop's corridor, and because it was raining heavily, 3 dogs were resting along the corridor so we couldn't pass through - they conquered the space. I stepped back in the rain while holding Sofi's hand, umbrella, and her bags.
Then we were climbing down the wet slippery stairs from the corridor, I accidentally slipped in slow-motion and fell down right on the stairs in the rain - still holding Sofi's hand. She was okay, still standing, she became my anchor (lol, that's the metaphor in my life - me slowly falling but having her to be my anchor).
My butt was still floating but my back was on the steps, and it wasn't a hard crash but still, I slipped on the wet stairs. Thank God it was 'almost' in slow motion, so nothing was broken or slipped. Things could be worst but it didn't and thank God for that. I was sore for 4 days after that, and after a week it felt fine but there was still a tiny sensation in my left pelvis when I walked fast.
I haven't run for almost 2 weeks because it has been a bit overwhelming lately, the fog, the fall, the rain, and the workload.
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October:
For several months everybody ghosted me - clients, bosses, people in general. It was weird, frustrating, and sure, it made me question my existence. I was angry a lot because I had to go through the process of stagnance - I don't have patience with not being productive, or feeling stuck.
Then October came and my life started to change its course. From constant dullness into a full-speed change: I got client work projects (more than 3 different clients in a fortnight), I got contacted for interviews and I got job offers, then I accepted a job offer for a full-time spot. So I had to finish up client work that I accepted in a month before reporting to duty. That's one. Update: My boss decided that he needed me to come in a week early.
It's a lot, I only have less than 2 weeks to go. We had to find a solution for many things like how to pick up Sofi from kindergarten when I'm working full-time. A 3-hour-per-day babysitter costs as much as RM 1,200 per month when asked for a quotation, Sofi is already in a full-day daycare until Dec, and even that costs around RM 800 per month. That's two.
Sofi isn't reacting well to the daycare program. I can see that she starts to refuse to go to school and she cries in the morning - we never had that problem in the past 8 months before she started going full-day. She was usually excited about school. But she has been having tantrums and attachment issues lately. She is not adapting well and it has been 1.5 months. That's three.
It's tough, ok.
So if one day, Sofi is all grown-up and she reads all this:
To Sofi, I would want you to know, that we've done many things together in the past 4 years in your newborn & toddler phases. Now comes the time that I need to sacrifice my time with you so that I can provide a better life. I'm just following the flow that is created for me, and at this moment, this is the best that I was offered and I'm accepting it. We won't have that much time together but I hope, we can make do with what we have at this moment and probably there will be new opportunities in the future that could provide a better option for us. So please don't hold on to this.
I'm writing this because I know, I held on to the fact that my parents weren't there during my childhood and teenage years when I needed them the most - but they were just human and surviving, just like me, just like you will one day in the future.
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Ma's Birthday:
We celebrated my mom's birthday last weekend.
It was weird and I was just physically there but in my mind, I was elsewhere. I had a bad stomach issue that day, we were at a hi-tea and supposed to eat a lot - but who still can eat a lot in their late 30s? I can't, it was not a good decision. I only ate a plate and took a small bowl of noodles that I couldn't even finish, then I started going to the toilet, 3 times in those 2 hours we were there. I was sweaty, I confused it with anxiety but it was probably just a bad stomach issue.
After we passed the cake and presents, I walked along the corridor. I did several rounds and reached 3 km in those walks. Then they all sat on the sofa along the hotel corridor and opened the presents there because I was not feeling good and had to walk. Needed to be near the toilet. Tsk.
So I was not mentally there because I was dealing with my gut issues.
But in pictures, I looked good because of the technology: the filter and the built-in auto-correct feature in my mom's phone or whatever that was that made me look younger and radiant. Don't trust anything you see online. I was miserable.
But happy birthday ma.
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Toys:
I really wanted to play with bricks toys specifically Lego. Not only for Sofi but for me.
But Sofi got so many toys and we had to deal with that first. So I'm selling her old toys that she didn't want to play with anymore on Carousell and I'm surprised that people are buying.
So I ordered a pastel Lego classic because of the colours, of course. How would I design cute blocks without pastel coloured bricks kan. It felt ridiculous to say this, but I felt like my childhood dreams were redeemed once I started playing with Sofi. I didn't know how fulfilling it could be. But, although they are in pastel and have special items: various eyes, antennas, whiskers, triangles, and odd shapes, they weren't as many as I needed to make a big building. So, I'm searching for used Lego classics on Carousell to add to our Lego bricks.
You can buy it from Shopee: LEGO 11028 Classic Creative Pastel.
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The Gaza Genocide:
This is not rocket science, you don't have to think twice to know that what's happening in Gaza is a genocide, they should stop pretending like this is a war. It is obvious, that they are killing every Palestinian in Gaza. No one is safe, no children, no healthcare providers, no journalists, no hospitals, no neutral space, no food, no water, nothing.
So take a stance.
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The Rain :
It rained heavily again yesterday, and I was picking up Sofi from school like usual. We were stuck at the kindergarten for some time, and then I said to Sofi that we needed to try walking home. Sofi didn't like the wet feet, or the feel of dirt on her wet slippers, those tiny sands, you know, wet slippers in the rainy day kinda thing - I wholly understand because I was also a sensory-sensitive child, I don't like wet slippers or sand. Ha.
So halfway through she refused to walk, she let go of her umbrella, and she cried because what do you expect when it is just not a good sensation for a 4-year-old to have her feet wet with water and dirt. Sabo je lah. We had to stop at the school and I comforted her and told her that we needed to walk back home. She refused, of course. She cried and she wanted me to carry her. I eventually had to carry her halfway walk home, in the heavy rain, with a small umbrella, and 2 of her bags. We were almost fully drenched by the time we got home, my arms were shaking because 14 kg weight is quite a lot for untrained arms.
Practicing gentle parenting is hard, but I refuse to use an authoritarian style on a toddler because I know, I know what it felt like and the effects on us - my dad was one, and his dad was one. But then, you know how toddlers love to challenge us kan, like I said, sabo je lah.
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