Random : May Things (just a picture post)

KL Illustration Fair 2023 :

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Brought Sofi to play at Kidzoona IOI:

Yes, that's my brother in full Baju Melayu swimming in the ball pit, while I read a book at the side.

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Found this at the Mall:

Random : End of May Post

 

The books I consumed :

• Notes on Grief by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (recommended*)
• No Happy Ending by Nora McInerny
• Good Girls Don't by Mara Wilson
• Cassandra Speaks by Elizabeth Lesser (recommended*)
• Transit by Rachel Cusk
• Happening by Annie Ernaux
• Yasmin, How You Know?
• To Paradise by Hanya Yanagihara
  
• Anxiety by The School of Life (recommended*)
• Wandering Souls by Cecile Pin
• C. G. Jung: The Basics by Ruth Williams

During Ramadhan, I hardly finish any books. I can only start but can't seem to finish it (that's why reading To Paradise took 6 weeks). But I'm no longer fasting so I've been listening and reading to books again at my normal pace. So those are all the books I finished since Ramadhan. 

I'm reading 50 philosophical classics (a summary by Tom Butler-Bowdon), every day familiarizing myself with 1-3 philosophers and their most basic ideas/teachings. Some are pretty basic, some are interesting and some are just a bit too hard to chew. I'm almost halfway through and I found some that I would be interested to dive in, so I scribbled in my commonplace book for more reading. 

Wait, I actually want to say that, even with my reading intensity, I realized that there are so many things that are still hard to understand; reading philosophy is one, reading scientific articles is another, and not starting on educational textbooks yet. At most, learning is always a humbling experience, because you are being reminded that you are not that smart ALL THE TIME. So I'm being left feeling dumb every day and demotivated because I don't know who to ask? 

 

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Waking up:

I've been having a nice daily routine of sleeping at 8.30 pm and waking up early for a few weeks now. But lately, I always wake up around 2.30 am and then again at 3.30 am, but I'm training myself to wake up after 4.30 am instead. That's an ideal time. The subconscious realm is a bit calmer during those hours. Maybe because people sleep much later than that (possibly after 12 am?), and by the time they start to dream, I'm starting to wake up. 

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The pain:

8 days in, the muscles around my shoulder and neck are still tight. I still can't draw and it is annoying but healing takes time. I know I've been extra tense lately, and I try to move to destress but heyyy, I need to rewire my mind. 

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Trying Out Fujifilm X30:

Miss Chin wanted to sell her camera and asked me to help. I went on a short outing to take some photos and it turned out so good. I want it instead! But I don't have the money yet.

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On Joining Sofi's School Picnic:

If it is not for Sofi, I don't think I would enjoy an outdoor activity with the crowds. But this is special, it was her first picnic with her school (and I promised I wouldn't be my parents - so I'm making an effort). Thank God my brother was there to accompany me, then also my sister and his husband as well or I don't know how would I survive it.

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Suffering:

I think I'm dwelling well, the right amount of sadness, the right amount of grief, the right amount of stress, the right amount of effort to keep on moving to cope, the right amount of study and reading to distract, the right amount of isolation and the right amount of socialization. 

I'm suffering, but I'm managing it. I don't know how I do it, but every day is another challenging day to endure. I know this will pass and I know it's going to be okay.  

Little Things 265 : The Freedom of Choice

 

Last week's question: 

is it possible that people these days are more anxious because we have the freedom of choice?

 

Here are the writings I found on the topic:

1) The Dizziness of Freedom, by Soren Kierkegaard, 

the dizzying effect of looking into the boundlessness of one’s own possibilities. Without anxiety, there would be no possibility and therefore no capacity to grow and develop as a human being. What was striking to Kierkegaard was the individual’s complete freedom to choose one’s options; it is this freedom to choose that creates dread and anxiety. 

He claimed that our freedom of will and choice, make us responsible for who we choose to be. We have the freedom to reconstruct ourselves, leave our past selves, and evolve for the better. But this comes with a price: we must be responsible for all our choices and actions. It is a blessing and a curse. 

I love these quotes: "Freedom comes with responsibility which is the opposite of freedom." and "Choices come with consequences, good and bad which are the opposite of choices". 

 

2) The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwartz

"It is an observation that having many options to choose from, rather than making people happy and ensuring they get what they want, can cause them to stress and problematize decision-making." In his theory, he said that choice has made us humans not freer but more paralyzed, not happier but more dissatisfied. 

• the more options we have, the fewer decisions we tend to make
• the more choices we have, the more we feel about missing out on something 
• more inclined to dissatisfaction, disappointment
• more prone to anxiety

 

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A small example on this topic:

Last week I wanted to eat a cake. This rarely happens because I'm lactose intolerant, but on that day, I even decided to eat lactase enzyme just so I could enjoy the occasion. We had 2 options: Secret Recipe and Richiamo. So SR was located a bit farther from where we were at that time, so we chose R instead. I ordered my slice of cake and ate it. But unfortunately, it was terrible. So due to my anticipation and preparation to eat that slice of cake, my expectation was high, and when it didn't reach my expectation, I was disappointed. Truly, disappointed and I kept on thinking "Why didn't I choose Secret Recipe instead"?

Even after a week, I still remember the incident and wished I chose better. 

Imagine, if there were no options, only one cafe is available and the choice I have is either to have a cake or not. I would have nothing to compare it to, and the decision-making would be much easier. 

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So what's the correlation here? 

I've been thinking about how many options we have nowadays. We can be whoever we want to be, we can eat whatever we want, and we can choose what to study, what to read, who to marry, where to go, and who to be friends with, with the modern world and the internet everything is almost limitless.

Everything is a choice and there are just too many options. Every choice that we make might tell us who we are, who we choose to be, and who we want to be. It's a responsibility in every choice. No wonder we are often anxious, it is hard to have to choose all the time and we expect it to be the best choice for us. 

 

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So if having the freedom of choice is making me feel dreadful and more anxious, my question now is, how to find the balance? How much freedom we are supposed to have to be content with our lives and not be taunted by other choices? Do I need to create my own limitation? Am I anxious because I have too many options to choose from and I'm scared of choosing the wrong ones? Will I be more content with life if I have limited freedom instead? 

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Thank you for reading my questions of the week.

Little Stories 250 : Omg the Muscle Strain & Stiff Neck are back

 

Hey heyyy, it's back guys!

My first muscle strain & stiff neck incident since 2021. I woke up this morning and I can't move my upper body. I have several reasons to blame: whether because of the accumulated stress since early this week, I already felt it tense up yesterday but I managed to finish up 3 sketches and 2 illustrations (in the same pose - for several hours), then I went out running later that evening even though I know my body was tired, but in my defense, the run was good. 

I didn't even use the acupressure mat this week even when I saw the signs, now it's too late. It happened, I have to go through a painful week until it recovers. Cafkl is coming up so soon, and I haven't even started planning.  

Then here I am now, my half-upper body paralyzed and in so much pain (I cursed and cursed like my mouth forgot its 'manner' filter). I found my painkiller and muscle relaxer medication from the 2021 incident and ate it because I needed it. And I'm sitting in front of my screen thinking how on earth will I survive today with an active toddler needing my attention. I'm trying to avoid more stress, so I will try to endure this one step at a time. But God, why does this have to be so physically painful.

Note: The current painkiller kicked in after almost 3 hours. Oh, and I also had to chew the pills, because like seriously, tell me how to take pills without movements?

And I am so hungry.

Since I started running, I'm so hungry, all the time.

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Things that can help: eat pain-killer, wear neck braces (but not too long because you still need to move and stretch to recover faster), rest, and yes, those painful stretches. I had this ugly neck brace since 2015 kot, rarely wear but huge help when needed to limit head movement and for support.

Here's me this morning, chose this shirt because it's easy to sarung with fewer movements:

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Updates :

Day 2: In pain and I supposed the painkiller worked yesterday but the pain was too strong so I thought it didn't work. Today my pain subsided after less than 2 hours and I felt really sleepy so I walked around the house to finish up my Move ring and to avoid falling asleep.

Day 3: Still in pain, but I really want to drink coffee this morning. So, I chose to drink coffee and try to endure the pain until later this afternoon then I'll consider taking the painkiller, because, I am a flawed human and sometimes I do stupid things for the things that I love.

Note: I survived without consuming a painkiller but then I used a Salonpas pain-relief patch and it worked wonders.

Day 4: I changed into a sitting position by myself when I woke up this morning. I can now lift my hands. But there is still slight soreness in those areas and also a throbbing pain on the upper left side of my head when I touch it (just like an early migraine symptom).

Day 5: Just soreness and slight of a tight muscle alongside my right neck and shoulder. The rash from the pain-relief patch is starting to show, even though I wore it 2 days ago, only for 6 hrs or so (I'm allergic to the glue). The throbbing pain on the upper left side when I touch it is still there. 

Day 6: Same as day 5, with soreness and tight muscles, and throbbing pain on my head. I started laying down on the acupressure mat today.

Day 7: Same as yesterday, the soreness and tight muscles are still there. Less, but unfortunately still can't draw. 

BB - Sofi almost 4

She makes up her own songs, she prefers to play with people, she loves colouring a lot, and she still loves to organize her stuff, Sofi loves makeup and plays dress-ups, she loves shiny-glittery-princessy things, she loves people, she is very friendly, but she has a hard time communicating due to her speech limitation. 

She is clingy with me and a bit of a drama queen, maybe because she still thinks that the world revolves around her. We mostly speak to her in English and Malay, but she speaks to us in English. 

Her current trend is wearing illustrated plaster, new ones, every day, she would say: "I want new stick", and her latest interest is the cool-fever gel-sheet on her forehead, she would come to me and do fake cough, "koh koh, Sofi batuks, fever, body hot, I want honey, I want stick" then she pointed on her forehead. 

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Last weekend we went to Nilai to have breakfast with her Tokma & Atuk, then we followed them while they went to the kitchen appliances shopping section. At first, Sofi just played around with her new toy pony, Sunny, but then she saw a unicorn lunch box set and she fell in love with the set. I didn't want to buy her one, so I said, "go ask your Tokma". 

Then she dragged my mom and showed her the lunch box set, she explained in her own language how much she loved and needed the lunch box. In her own language, mind you, my mom didn't understand her, I did. I just observed and was amazed by how much confidence she had in asking for something from my mom. MY MOM, not her mom. Even I don't have that much confidence in asking something from my own mother. 

When we asked whether she can have the individual set instead, like the individual pink bottle with the smaller pink container, she said that the container will be too small for her morning bread at school: "no, roti big, this is small", then she sighed. Sofi is not even 4 yet, and she sighed in disappointment? 

I was dumbstruck, so I just observed from their side, watching something so new to me. As I hardly see my mother and my toddler communicate due to her speech limitation and lack-off spending time doing activities together.

Little Things 264 : Let Me Share with You a Secret About Running

I want to share one of my good methods for recovering from a broken heart. Heartbreak is a unique kind of pain, it hurts but you can't see it, some studies even show that it actually activates the same areas in the brain as physical pain. Whether it is from a major life crisis, death, breakup, any kind of loss, or dealing with a serious illness. The pain, you don't have to explain it to people, it is valid, if it is there, it's there.

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My way of coping with heartbreak is by running. Not running away from the heartbreak itself, but physically running. I know, no one wants to work out when they are in pain. But, it helps, it seriously does.

I want to write this down, so that if you are still young and you don't know how to cope, or perhaps if for Sofi, one day, when you have to face your first heartbreak, remember, to start running. Take out your running shoes, and go outside. Do it 5 times a week, do it consistently, and take how long you need to recover.  It might take months, it might take years. But it is one of the best ways to cope. 

I went through a serious phase of running from 2013 - 2017 to deal with heartbreak, cope with major life changes, and get through the change of phases in my life. Running helps me be in control of my own body, it gives me some space to have a serious conversation in my mind, it gives hope, it shows me that I can get through the phase, and whatever pain I was having, I will recover.

Running also releases endorphins and serotonins, so you'll get the 'high' - BUT you won't feel this on your first run, or even your second one, you'll probably start feeling it after a month of running consistently. You don't have to push yourself (some people like those challenging runs), I don't, I run really slow, but consistently and hopefully much longer soon. I love the runner's high, it gives me hope.

All these will help you get through your pain. 

Whatever problems you might have to deal with at this stage, running, might help you cope with it. But you need to remember to at least give a month of consistent running before deciding that it is not working for you. That's the catch.

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For a while, I didn't want to write about this. But it's been 10 years, and I feel like this is something that people actually might benefit from. That when you are in pain, in distress, or in any complicated phase in your life, you NEED to start running to cope. Don't binge-eat, don't abuse alcohol, drugs, or any form of addiction, and don't channel it towards something that can pull you in inside the deep hole. Find a way for you to make it work. 

Go outside and run. You'll feel like shit.

But it gets better.

Random : May Post

On Running :

That morning I ran again and it felt good. I haven't run early in the morning for quite a while. 

Whatever problems and pain I had were all forgotten during the run, it was just running bliss. The morning mist, the playlist, the cold, all just perfect. I can't believe it was that special. I started running at 7 am and ended the run by 8 am when it started getting hotter. I ended the run with this song.

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On Taking a Walk Alone and Books :

The day before I walked alone at the mall after meeting up for coffee with Miss Chin. Only managed to get a 5 km indoor walk that day. 

I bought 2 books: Beyond Order by Jordan Peterson and A Brief Guide to Philosophical Classics by James M Russell. I noticed that there weren't that many female philosophers or books written by women writers on topics that I want to read - and I wonder why that is? In A Brief Guide to Philosophical Classics, there are introductions to 66 of "the most thought-provoking books ever written" and among that, only 6 were written by women: Ayn Rand, Tove Jansson, Emma Goldman, Naomi Wolf, Luce Irigaray, and Julia Kristeva. 

I haven't finished reading To Paradise by Hanya Yanagihara yet, it's been more than a month. I started early in April during Ramadhan and I enjoyed the slow-reading process whenever I feel like reading it. I am now in chapter 3, the final story based in a dystopian world about 100 years from now (and I don't like reading about a dystopian world because it gives me anxiety).

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On Working During PMS :

I think it's fair to say that the only person that can decide whether they can work during PMS is the person enduring the phase because everyone has a different level of pain and stages. For me, sometimes the cramps are so bad, my face winces for having to hold in the pain, and sometimes my migraines are as bad as feeling like someone is hammering my head while having to focus on a task, not only that, sometimes it is not only the cramps and the migraine, there are few more other worst symptoms to have to deal with along with that: like the painful bloat, or the swelling in certain areas, nausea or fatigue. 

I mean, aren't we all superhuman for having to deal with this as a daughter, a student, a worker, or a mother. We can't simply ask for a 'rest' whenever we are in pain, we probably feel ashamed to even voice out about this and we have to deal with this, for most of our lives, every single month. Imagine that. 2 weeks of rest, and 2 more weeks of pain - every month. 

Our bodies are built differently. Yes, it is definitely not as 'physically' strong as men, but look at how much pain can we women endure throughout our lives. The monthly pain, the pregnancy phase, the childbirth, and the menopause. 

We are superhuman.

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On Raya :

Like all of my raya, it was mostly an anxiety-filled celebration packed with dramas and crowds. We went back to Raub, then Pekan, Kuantan then Nilai. A week of food and people. Sofi fell sick soon after, she had a really bad loud cough with phlegm and cold, a minor fever. But only for a week, then she recovered - quite fast. I don't know whether this was a help, but we gave her pure honey 3 times a day when she was sick. It worked, always. 

Oh yes, I posted a Raya reel on my personal IG. Made a personal IG so I could still post my older version of obnoxious selfies and personal photos (like beautiful foods - haha). The older I get, the more self-conscious I get about everything so I created another IG just purely to self-indulge.

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On Going to KLIF :

I didn't decide on going until the very last minute. Why? Because it was located in the middle of the city center during a heatwave, I had to walk in the heat if I want to only take MRT (the paths Google Maps shared were not fully reliable), and it was my 2nd day of period. 

But, somehow, I bought the ticket and I was there on the first day. Thankfully, I didn't get any headaches until much later in the evening. 

In my mind, I wanted to spend time there, get inspiration, meet like-minded people, and support other artists or anything equivalent to that. But apparently, I'm still in my depressive mode - I didn't feel like anything had changed at all. I just felt old and I felt like I rather spend time reading somewhere silent, nice, and cold. I rather write and listen to poetry music. I rather not mingle with the crowds. 

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On Annoyance :

It has been 12 days since the alarm goes off (probably at one of the factories near my house). 12 days of the sound of the siren-like alarm repeating throughout the whole day, nonstop.

I can't wait, for someone to buy this house. 

I can't wait to leave. 

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On the Memory of Smell :

Do you know that you can keep memories in smell? Sometimes I walk in crowds, my nose captures a smell that I used to know, and I remember these memories far from my past. Then I go to Sephora and asked the seller to give me a smell from a certain tester perfume. I keep the fragranced thin paper as my bookmark because what else can I keep except for the memories? 

Little Things 263 : Not Quite OK

My friend texted me several times over the past few weeks, at one point, she noticed that I chose not to reply to her texts and asked whether I didn't want to be her friend anymore.

I texted back saying that I'm dealing with a life crisis at this moment, and I couldn't possibly be a friend, right now. She didn't reply back. I truly can't reply to her texts, emotionally I'm not capable of pretending like I can text anything remotely positive. I'm just not in that state at this moment, and we do have these phases in life where we can't really pretend for someone else or even to ourselves.

I hope she understands it. 

Here's a relatable old post.