Little Things 260 : Hello Late 30s

 

What does being in my late-30s means for me?

Wrinkles start showing up. No longer have adult acne. My body aches when I wake up in the morning. Mommy jeans. Comfy loose clothes. Scars of adulthood and motherhood. Constant exhaustion or random anxiety, you pick. Start counting my good days. No more late night, but hello silent early mornings. I say 'OK' to myself a lot. Also, supplements. Worries about not moving enough, but choose not to move anyway.  

Those doubts, that silence. It never goes away ok. 

But you choose to go on because you have bigger responsibilities now. You walk forward one step at a time. Material things don't excite you that much, and you begin to feel scared of losing the things that you already have. Everything is still hard, but you have accepted them as part of life. Better at regulating my emotions, still do some sort of 'healthy' online stalking, and still have stupid crushes on certain actors. Learning something new becoming a bit of a challenge, no friends (*like seriously, why am I like this), and I get lonely at times, but I learned to spend my time alone by myself nowadays: like going out to the movie alone (who would have thought that drinking hot americano in a movie is a bliss? Oh olden days), spend time at cafes doing remote work, spend time at a book store, etc. 

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You know, I still weighed the same as I did 10 years ago, but my body figure changed. Yes, I got through a pregnancy several years back and it did change me. I feel like I am not in the same body, yet I am and these changes are normal processes in life. It's weird and normal at the same time. 

This morning, I missed my sahur (because last night Sofi cried so many times). So technically, I didn't eat for around 24 hours, but I survived. Today :

• I applied to many projects on Behance, offering my services. If only I could get myself an agent to do this bidding for me. I really don't like dealing with humans :F
• I can't focus on doing anything. I can't write, I tried (that's why I tried writing this at night).
• I finished 20% of my Figma essential class by Daniel Scott. Well, the first 20% is pretty basic, just to refresh my memory, we will see if I can continue another 20% tomorrow. 
• Sofi finished her 5th Kumon book this month. 
• I read the first chapter of To Paradise after my 30 mins nap before Asar. 
• I weighed 49.9 kg today. Then I berbuka, and I gained the 0.5g back. 

Anyway, we assumed that the muscles on my body from 10 years ago, were replaced by all these accumulated fats - so that's why I'm more flabby now. Why else would I still weigh the same but with a different figure kan. I guess I used to be 'leaner' because I used to run. Dulu boleh la lari hari2, bese lah org2 heartbroken. Mihh. Now I don't because I'm too demotivated to go so - I get a migraine when I run in daylight and I have hundreds more excuses to throw.

Okay, I think I reached my writing quota this month. I'm experimenting with 8 posts per month, so at least 2 posts per week. 

Kudos for the writing practice, good night, and Salam Ramdhon. 

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Image by : @ Jorik Kleen

Little Thing 259 : On Schopenhauer and Love

I got this quote from Schopenhauer:

"Life swings like a pendulum backward and forward between pain and boredom."

Schopenhauer is the father of misery (in philosophy). He was pessimistic and dark, preaching about pain and the roles behind it. He figured out early on that pain is inevitable in life and he tried to make peace with it throughout his life. He was one of the early philosophers that combines ideas from Western and Eastern philosophy. I am usually interested in fusion ideas and teachings (like from Carl Jung or Hermann Hesse) instead of all based on the Western mind. 

He said that the will in our lives will drive our needs and desire, and our motivation to act in the world but this will can also be our source of dissatisfaction and misery in our life. We are often disappointed and frustrated. He called this "wille zum leben" or the will-to-live. For Schopenhauer, the will is in our unconscious mind and its core purpose is to keep us alive, to survive.

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Schopenhauer said there are 2 options to deal with the problems of existence. 

The first option is to practice asceticism, he called these people, the 'sages', the special individuals that manage to rise above the demands of the will-to-live, the people that can see the natural drives in humans: sex, ego, selfishness, the need for a partner, validation, social approval, fame, money, etc, and to rise above these natural drives and make peace with them. They can overcome these desires and be at peace without them like a monk or a hermit. But this is a rather extreme approach.

The second option is a friendlier approach, he recommended the 'higher pleasures': meditation, reading, and philosophy, we are also encouraged to spend our lives engaging with art: poetry, music, and culture.  To find the beauty in everyday tasks, to search for the distinct smell of hope in destruction, to see light in the most hopeless condition, to find meaning in our pain, to be content in the chaos.

The safest way of not being very miserable is not to expect to be very happy. 

He reminded us that we are not crazy, that our pain and sadness are valid, that suffering is inevitable, we are not alone, the world is crazy, and that it is okay. This is the reality that we need to accept as a part of our lives and try to go on with it. For him, life got no greater purpose, we are here, we are alive and we pass on. 

So why I took note of Schopenhauer then? Not to say that I agree with everything he held on to, for me, what he shared is mostly the things that I already figured out, not something of a new revelation. But it is nice to see it in writing, I feel validated and entertained. But when Schopenhauer said love is a powerful illusion that can be the greatest force in human life but it actually leads to our unconscious need to survive mankind aka make more offspring for the next generation, I laughed, because it was a very cynical viewpoint. 

Is it fair to just treat love as an illusion that humankind needs?

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I always remind both my younger siblings about pain and love - because they both came from a broken traumatic childhood early on so they have deeper issues dealing with relationships. I know it is scary to commit to love, to put your heart on a pedestal, to be weak, and to rely on others for your happiness. But to feel happy, you need to feel sad, to know what is love, you need to know what is pain, to see the light, you need to be in the dark. 

Once, I fell in love, hard. The epic love story, I guess. 

But I know the drama it brings onto the table, the mess, the chaos, the instability, the shame. There were so many emotions, so much pain, but yes, so much love as well. As someone that grew up in a dramatic environment and faced traumas throughout most of my teenage and early adult life, I couldn't put myself on that rollercoaster ride again. I wanted a normal drama-free life, so I left the relationship and I married a friend. Af is the friend, a partner, and someone I can rely on 24/7.

 

This was a clear choice. I still feel it is the most realistic and rational choice that I made for the life that I needed. I learned that I don't really need something epic, something huge, something that shines across the universe, I need just the basic things. So what if I had to deal with the heartbreak? Life is layers of heartbreaks, it is meant to be painful, and bitter. Love doesn't necessarily mean to own. Why I didn't choose the other love? Because at that age, during that phase, I know I'd break. Now I'm older, I see life with a much broader view, the painful wounds of traumatic family dramas are mostly healed, and I've made peace with a lot of turbulence in my life. I needed the healing time. 

As Thom Yorke said in this: "I will see you in the next life." 

And yes, so that's my take on pain of the unrequited love. Wait, did I get to the point yet? 

Okay, so life is painful, can't avoid it, pick your ride, and be ready to feel stuff. It's always a choice, don't be scared to make one and try to enjoy the ride. Fall in love, fall out of love, feel the pain, feel the heartbreaks, that's life. You don't have to choose the extreme way of avoiding all the things that make life colourful, but you can choose to pick your colours. 

Note: I haven't read any original works by Schopenhauer, but I compiled this based on my readings from articles/books and compilations written and compiled by others. So I'm making assumptions based on others' assumptions after reading him. Hihi :F

Random : March Post

1. Aja's birthday brunch: This was from Kenny Hills IOI Putrajaya. A good place with a huge pastry option and also good food. A bit over-the-budget, but a great place to celebrate something. We tried their Smoked Salmon Pizza and it was divine. Miss Chin introduced me to this place and I came here with my siblings twice already since then. I think it is a recently opened branch. 

Happy with the thick salmon potion :

2. Lovely paragraphs: Iris by Hermann Hesse

3. Song I found that reminds me of a mixture of Air's Playground Love and ROC's Always. I use this track repeatedly since then to write.

Watch the sunrise as we're getting old / I can't describe / I wish I could live through every memory again / Just one more time before we float off in the wind

 

This is also beautiful: Listen Before I Go by Billie Eilish

4. Books: I finished Lily and the Octopus by Steven Rowley, the book made me cry my eyes out. It is about a man named Ted, his aging dog companion named Lily, and an octopus (a tumor growing on its head). I don't have a dog, but I have an 11-year-old cat. It was relatable and it was sad. 

I also finished 6 more books this month, my fav one so far is Notes of Grief by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. I didn't really read much since I started fasting, I started early because I was replacing the missed puasa. 

5. Sofi is on T-Rex Ranch & Peppa Pig craze. She's been calling me 'Mommy Pig', Af 'Daddy Pig' and she's the 'Sofi Pig'. Cute but a bit inappropriate, imagine having the older generation around when she calls us that :F 

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More Random :

• How can Mal be a Morozova ? This is a plot twist I had not expected, I knew he would be someone 'important' but not a Morozova, definitely not that. 'Shadow and Bones' is my current guilty pleasure after 'First Love', I threw away a spoiler because I don't think anyone reads my blog except for me. 
• Reading or writing during a fasting season is twice as hard. And I've been writing and erasing and writing again. 
• In my latest dream, I met a gatekeeper. 
• I posted my latest projects throughout the year on my Behance because I need more projects. Please, anyone, hire me. You have no idea how much I dreaded the portfolio updating phase, but I did it anyway. Well done.

Little Thing 258 : Tabako-flavored Love and J-dorama

Can't run away from the past, can I? 

I finished watching the Japanese Netflix series, 'First Love' - despite not once having a full dedication to watching any J-drama/K-drama series due to the need to refer to the subtitle (I can't work if I need to read). But I was intrigued, how can I not? The series is inspired by Utada Hikaru's famous love songs in the 90s and 2018.

I'm more attached to the famous love songs of the 90s: 'First Love' and 'Automatic'. I can still remember the lyrics. My sister and I, both listened to Utada Hikaru when we were in school, in 1999. We listened to the album repeatedly on cassette, sampai lunyai kertas lirik tu. I was just entering my teenage years, and love was still alien to me during those time, but boy that song hits my young mind.

Saigo no kisu wa tabako no flavor ga shita / Nigakute setsunai kaori / 

The last kiss tasted like cigarette, a bitter and sad smell

Last kiss that tasted like a cigarette, right. 

Definitely a young love romance.

My sister asked me whether I watched it last week, and I was waiting for the time (didn't really feel like sharing with her at first). It's funny to think that I thought no one would possibly know my past, forgetting that I shared most of my growing teenage years with my older sister and she taught me about life. She knows, of course, she knows. 

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It is not entirely relatable because I don't hold on to my first love (*my first love experience is a bit too much painful to be considered beautiful, I was barely 18). 

It just seems like a dedication to me & my past: the 90s Utada Hikaru songs, the location where half of the series is based was at Sapporo, Hokkaido - the place I was born at, the snow blizzards seemed familiar although I was too young to even remember, promo pictures taken by Hamada Hideaki (one of my fav photographer), well, in a nutshell, the J-drama experience itself, teenage years right to the core. Just a nice remembrance of my past (that apparently I'm sharing with my older sister - *eyes rolling).

There is this 'innocence' in J-drama that I'm not really into - the basic cringe-worthy innocence that is only acceptable in J-drama I guess; "girls are soft and pretty and naive", "Hallmark quotes", "holding on to the first love" trope, the naive innocence is just a bit too much for me. 

But the series is visually beautiful and the songs are nice. Did you notice how many variations they used for the bokeh effect? 

It touches upon the topic of teenage crushes, first love, sacrifices, surviving in the 20th century, failures in life, divorce, expectations, well, basic relatable life series. 

Love the depiction of life in the 30s.

Books : Consolations of Philosophy

 

I just finished The Consolations of Philosophy by Alain de Botton, a noob 101 into philosophy without worrying about the heavy explanation (because it is written in modern English). In this book, we touch on 6 problems of everyday life with the help of 6 philosophers:

1. Consolation of Unpopularity by Socrates
2. Consolation of Not Having Enough Money by Epicurus
3. Consolation of Frustration by Seneca
4. Consolation of Inadequacy by Montaigne
5. Consolation of A Broken Heart by Schopenhauer
6. Consolation of Difficulties by Fredrich Neitzche 

For example, if you are frustrated with life, Alain de Botton will try to console you by quoting and interpreting Seneca on that chosen topic. 

Seneca says all frustration arises from a faulty view of the world, we are frustrated because we expect something to behave differently. We have our 'expectations'. He reminds us that the worst scenarios in life are always possible and to be ready for them. So that when it happens, you will be well-prepared and not be the victim of anger, grief, and frustration. 

It is entertaining, easy to read, and relevant, suitable for me because I just started on Western philosophy and their original books are just a bit too hard. I just can't simply plunge into essays by Montaigne or Schopenhauer on demand, I need to slowly crawl and reread and watch summary videos on Youtube and find easy translations into Modern English :F 

I particularly love chapters 2 and 5 of this book. 

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In chapter 5: Consolation for heartbreak from Arthur Schopenhauer, a well-known pessimist! It was a funny chapter that I do not fully agree with but entertaining nonetheless. He has this theory that human choose their partner based on unconscious natural selection. That we do not fully have control over who we find 'attractive' because unconsciously, we only have the natural desire to 'propagate' our species. We are living things and that is something that we need to do. The desire to have a partner is basically because of how our mind is wired - for the survival of the species and it is not fully concerned with our happiness. 

What is looked for in marriage is not intellectual entertainment, but the procreation of children. 

What he is saying is happy marriage is not entirely in our mind when we are choosing our partner, but a good partner for a good offspring is. So a 'happy marriage' is rather unnatural once we have kids and it is okay, as he is also equally committed to the idea that we all have meaningless existence: we live, we survive and we reproduce for the next generation, just like any other living things on earth so don't think too much about the unrequited love. Hahah.

Anyway, that's how I see it lah, both Alain de Botton and chosen philosopher put their context in each chapter and it was an interesting take. 

We must, between periods of digging in the dark, endeavor always to transform our tears into knowledge. 

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This book is not really written for people that are already familiar with Western philosophy. It is a fun self-help/philosophy book, just swimming on the surface, cicah2 kaki in learning about these philosophers and what they come out with. So Alain de Botton's works are suitable for anyone just starting to read philosophy. 

Note: The School of Life on Youtube is one of his personal projects. 

Little Thing 257 : Vivid Dreams

You know, our subconscious is an unexplored territory. 

There are a lot of mysteries surrounding it. 

Around 10 years ago, I closed the door. I'm not sure how to explain it, but I 'closed' this door to my subconscious so that no one can reach that place and one thing I noticed is that I stopped having vivid dreams, for years. My sleep is just a blank dark void. I fall asleep, sit in the dark void then I wake up, and that's it. I remember chatting with probably my siblings, saying that I don't have any dreams at night.

Last year, I opened the door back again. 

Then I started having vivid dreams. My nights are colourful again. I went on journeys, and I met people. I wonder if I could make any decisions or plans in the subconscious, find anyone that I wanted, or go anywhere that I needed. Or perhaps it is just like being on a boat without any paddle, and we just follow where the water current leads us to? 

Note: 22/2/23 dream 🌸

Photo by: Johannes Plenio

Books - The Things I Read in February and the Suffering of Mind

I watched Imaginur alone at the cinema on Thursday, I walked almost 10k steps that day, I read about Epicurus during lunch (I'm currently reading The Consolations of Philosophy by Alain de Botton) and realized I could use some of his ideas because it resonates with me and I've been practicing some of it for a while. 

I've been enjoying my assignment so far. This year I want to read 'hard' books and learn about heavier topics, so more classics (I have much catching up to do) and perhaps more philosophy and spiritualism. 'Hard' in this case is because I need many references and reread to understand - this might not be hard for you, but it does for me.

I've been struggling with some issues lately. So to avoid jumping into any unnecessary impulses, I need to investigate the rationality of my needs and desire. As Epicurus said :

Just as medicine confers no benefit if it does not drive away physical illness, so philosophy is useless if it does not drive away the suffering of the mind. 

Also, writing might help, perhaps I need to try journaling again :

There are few better remedies for anxiety than thought. In writing a problem down or airing it in conversation we let its essential aspects emerge. And by knowing its character, we remove, if not the problem itself, then its secondary, aggravating characteristics: confusion, displacement, surprise.

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The annoying thing about this whole 'learning phase' is, the more I learn, the stupider I feel - like there are so much more out there that I don't know of, so many more books that I need to refer to, and it is a humbling feeling: like you are a minuscule plankton in the Pacific ocean. 

Here are the books I read & listened to in February :

• books about relationships: Monogamy (Sue Miller), The Possession (Annie Ernaux), Lean Your Loneliness Slowly Against Mine (Klara Hveberg)
• graphic novels: A Gift From a Ghost (Borja Gonzalez), Mamo (Sas Milledge), Just Friends (Ana Oncina)
• philosophy: The Socratus Express (Eric Weiner)
• classics: The House of Dead (Fyodor Dostoyevsky), Knulp, Narcissus & Goldmund, Demian, Strange News from Another Star (Hermann Hesse)

Little Story 249 : About Time (and perhaps, books)

Last week, I watched "About Time", a 2013 film written and directed by Richard Curtis. Not a new movie, I know, it was made 10 years back and I didn't watch it because the poster looked like any other rom-com available during that time. I was wrong. It was not another rom-com, watching it without knowing anything about the movie was great. So if you haven't watched it, please watch it before reading further.

image by Blaz Photo

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For you that choose not to watch it, or already watched it, well, it is a story about Tim and on his 21st birthday, he found out that the men in his family could time-travel, only to the moments they have lived before, and you can make changes without making a mess in the time-continuum (there is no scientific explanation here, so it fits me well - I don't like sci-fi). So of course Tim uses it to have a better day, better outcome, and better person.

Do you want to know what was the thing that I was most excited about in the movie ? : 

When Tim asked his dad 

"What have you done.. with it?" 

and his dad answered: 

"Well, for me, books, books, books, I've read everything a man could wish to. Twice. Dickens three times".

Because IF I have unlimited time, I would spend my days reading all the books that I want to as well. I mean, that is the most wholesome thing I've heard about time traveling. Kan ? Don't you think? Being able to cheat time and repeat the same time with different books. When I watched the scene I had the urge to share it with people, because it is the nerdiest thing a nerd would do. Ha. 

So happy. 

So many books, so little time. - Frank Zappa

And yes, of course, the standard uplifting message would be this :

But too many people wrote about it already. I want to relate more to the smallest thing mentioned in the movie. The basic, the normal day-to-day thing, just sitting enjoying books without the need to worry about anything in the whole wide world.

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Anyway, I will watch Imaginur alone at the cinema this morning. I hope I have something to write later!