What does being in my late-30s means for me?
Wrinkles start showing up. No longer have adult acne. My body aches when I wake up in the morning. Mommy jeans. Comfy loose clothes. Scars of adulthood and motherhood. Constant exhaustion or random anxiety, you pick. Start counting my good days. No more late night, but hello silent early mornings. I say 'OK' to myself a lot. Also, supplements. Worries about not moving enough, but choose not to move anyway.
Those doubts, that silence. It never goes away ok.
But you choose to go on because you have bigger responsibilities now. You walk forward one step at a time. Material things don't excite you that much, and you begin to feel scared of losing the things that you already have. Everything is still hard, but you have accepted them as part of life. Better at regulating my emotions, still do some sort of 'healthy' online stalking, and still have stupid crushes on certain actors. Learning something new becoming a bit of a challenge, no friends (*like seriously, why am I like this), and I get lonely at times, but I learned to spend my time alone by myself nowadays: like going out to the movie alone (who would have thought that drinking hot americano in a movie is a bliss? Oh olden days), spend time at cafes doing remote work, spend time at a book store, etc.
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You know, I still weighed the same as I did 10 years ago, but my body figure changed. Yes, I got through a pregnancy several years back and it did change me. I feel like I am not in the same body, yet I am and these changes are normal processes in life. It's weird and normal at the same time.
This morning, I missed my sahur (because last night Sofi cried so many times). So technically, I didn't eat for around 24 hours, but I survived. Today :
- I applied to many projects on Behance, offering my services. If only I could get myself an agent to do this bidding for me. I really don't like dealing with humans :F
- I can't focus on doing anything. I can't write, I tried (that's why I tried writing this at night).
- I finished 20% of my Figma essential class by Daniel Scott. Well, the first 20% is pretty basic, just to refresh my memory, we will see if I can continue another 20% tomorrow.
- Sofi finished her 5th Kumon book this month.
- I read the first chapter of To Paradise after my 30 mins nap before Asar.
- I weighed 49.9 kg today. Then I berbuka, and I gained the 0.5g back.
Anyway, we assumed that the muscles on my body from 10 years ago, were replaced by all these accumulated fats - so that's why I'm more flabby now. Why else would I still weigh the same but with a different figure kan. I guess I used to be 'leaner' because I used to run. Dulu boleh la lari hari2, bese lah org2 heartbroken. Mihh. Now I don't because I'm too demotivated to go so - I get a migraine when I run in daylight and I have hundreds more excuses to throw.
Okay, I think I reached my writing quota this month. I'm experimenting with 8 posts per month, so at least 2 posts per week.
Kudos for the writing practice, good night, and Salam Ramdhon.
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Image by : @ Jorik Kleen
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