I'm trying to find a new rhythm.
I've been preoccupied with the new apartment for the past 10 months, and I finally moved in early this month. It took up so much of my mental space and physical energy. I am exhausted.
These days, I often just rest and do nothing (if playing mindless games on my phone can be considered doing nothing). I don't make art, I don't socialise (except for family gatherings), I don't go out, I don't cook, I don't write, and I don't watch anything. I sometimes read, but not seriously. I've stopped doing things, and I'm gathering all my energy just to recharge.
This happens every once in a while, after major life changes. I saw on IG that three of the most stressful life events are divorce, job loss, and moving. I've experienced all three in the past three years.
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This morning, I went for a long walk, around an hour and a half. We've been indoors for so long, kan (thanks to the infamous jerebu since August), and yesterday, the sky was so clear that I decided to spend my first night alone at my new apartment.
I wanted to wake up early for a morning walk before work, and I did.
Even though I didn't have my sports shoes (I'd left them at my ma's), I went anyway, wearing my sneakers. It was amazing. The weather was cold and windy, with a slight drizzle, and everything was quiet.
I wanted this. I manifested this in 2021.
Along that exact same path, I remembered telling Af that I wanted a house there so I could go for daily morning walks. And I finally got what I'd dreamed of, albeit in a completely different phase of my life.
Wishes are so weird sometimes. My vision of what I want is always so clear that I often feel intimidated by it. That's why I don't dare ask for things. That's why I tread carefully. My do'a is often vague. Because I usually get what I want, but often with something being asked in return.
A little grace, a little grief.
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