Little Thing 330: The Right Mix

Kadang-kadang I’m not sure how to do this parenting thing. Growing up, I was in quite a stressful environment where I didn’t really get to express myself. Looking back, I realize I learned to make myself small and invisible, too scared to create friction or drama. I developed this toxic habit of hiding in my cave.

So every time Sofi tests a boundary or tries to express herself, I find myself questioning what the right approach is. Do I limit her expression and create firm rules, or do I let her test things and learn through consequences? She’s at the age of trying out what she sees around her, experimenting with autonomy, learning how to express herself. With limited vocabulary and emotional awareness, rebellion can easily become her language.

And I remember, when I was growing up, I didn’t get the chance to be seen at all.

I wonder what the right mix is in shaping her personality, because every small influence wires her brain, at least during these formative years. But maybe the real work is not about controlling the mix. Maybe it’s about teaching her how to regulate her emotions, to name what she feels, and guiding her to process them. Hopefully, she will slowly grow into the best version of her own self. Kan. That’s something I only learned in my 30s, and I wish I had learned it sooner.

I don't know. 

She’s still at that age where she says, “Thank you, Mami. I love it.” 

And that warms my heart everytime, because I still struggle to express something that simple.

Little Thing 329: I'm Breathing Now

Last week, a lot happened. For one, I was asked to join my first networking event, maybe because I had avoided most events since I started working full-time again. So no excuse.

I was nervous, the kind of nervous with butterflies constantly in my stomach. The kind that made me cycle 70 km in a week just to manage it. The kind that made it hard to eat proper meals for several days, which then led to headaches. How annoying it is to be fully aware of my nervous system reacting like this and still not be able to chill, kan.

But I survived the networking event, with sweaty armpits and many moments of pretending to be busy. I survived submitting 15 drafts in 2 days, and 12 completed FA in 3 days as well as the interview meetings in-between. I survived the confrontations that really needed to happen. And I got the results for my big applications. I can come out from my cave now. I have no idea how I'm still functioning.

Last week was a marathon for my brain. My ChatGPT said I shouldn’t go to the gym anymore because I was “overstimulated” and that's why I don't feel hunger. What I needed was grounding, not more movement. Hah.

What I learned from the networking event is that I really don’t want to do networking. I thought I needed to socialize more to make my “presence” seen and maybe get more projects or something. But naw, I don’t like it. I don’t like going to events and talking about myself to strangers. I just want to do the work, sans the socializing :F I told S that I’d rather be in front of my laptop doing my work. Maybe the socializing part is just not meant for me. 

But next week, we have another session. This time I don't have to talk about myself to strangers, I just need to help around. So, it is not that bad. I'm breathing now, I've been holding my breath for awhile.

 

I'm breathing.

Books: Apparently January is My Reading Month

Lately on books: Yes, I've been reading a bit more than usual. 

I'll Be Right there - Kyung Sook Shin

This book made me feel small and sad in a very quiet way. It’s about grief, memory, and people who leave marks on your life even after they’re gone. Nothing is loud in this story, but everything hurts. It’s the kind of book that doesn’t break your heart all at once, it just slowly makes it heavier.

I've read her other books: Please Look After Mother & The Girl Who Wrote Loneliness 

Note: Everything she writes is sad and heavy with emotion.

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Notes to John & The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion -

Notes to John felt a bit too personal, almost like it should not have been published, like reading someone’s private diary. But seeing how she processed everything that happened in her life made me feel less alone. She talked the way I talk. She was honest in the same painfully honest way I know how.

Note: The Year of Magical Thinking was a reread.

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Card Captor Sakura by Clamp 1-6 

Yes, yes. I’m late. But we can finally read CCS locally. Kadokawa Gempak Starz finally decided to translate and publish the series after 30 years. Perfect. I’m collecting this and quietly achieving my childhood dream. Too YA for my age, but I can still enjoy the illustration. 

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Bury Our Bones in the Midnight by VESchwab 

No. I picked the wrong book, too YA for me. But I finished it because I was dedicated enough to finish a book I didn't enjoy. 

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Tuhan, Seindah Apa di Hujung Sana by Hafizul Faiz 

I really enjoy this kind of personal reflection on Qur’anic verses. The writing can feel a bit blog-gy at times, but I think that actually works, it makes it easier to digest and to take notes from. I like how he writes about why certain verses call out to him, the possible meanings of certain Arabic words used in the Qur’an, and how he weaves in his own reflections and experiences while learning and exploring.

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Currently on my reading library:

• Tomorrow Tomorrow Tomorrow (Gabrielle Zevin) - just started on Kindle
• The Great Mental Models (Physics, Chemistry, and Biology) - This is really, really, really mentally stimulating. I love this so much. I honestly wish I had read something like this when I was in school. It explains the core concepts of scientific models and relates them to real-world events. Perfect for a conceptual thinker like me.
• Cuma Aku, Lukaku, dan Tuhanku (Hafizul Faiz) - Personal reflections on the 30 juzuk of the Qur’an.
• Tak Semua Seperti Yang Kusangka (A.Shafiq) - Bought a preloved copy. I’m curious to see how local writers are writing these days.
• The Idiot (Elif Batuman) - Why am I still reading this? I’m not sure. But I’m already 70% in and dragging my feet to the finish line.

It’s a bit all over the place, kan. A chaotic mix of emotions, hardcore thinking, spiritual reflection, local curiosity, and just reading for the vibes but I think I'm on a good start.

Happy 2026 reading year!

Little Thing 328: Happy New Year and Let's Talk Planning

Happy New Year.

I’m not really “back.” My brother said I’ve been too silent lately, and he’s bored because there’s nothing for him to read (I lent him my book).

I’ve had a lot on my plate. This is a big decision-making year for me. So I’ve been quiet online, but quite productive in my personal life. A lot is going on, and I’m trying to reserve as much thinking energy as possible for things that actually matter. But today I had coffee. So here I am.

I’m well, thanks for asking.

I hope you had a wonderful holiday to recalibrate last month, because I did.

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Here’s something I want to share this January, since it’s still the new year.

Every once in a while (especially at the end or beginning of a year), I do this thing: I restructure my life. Planning, visualising, researching, making decisions. I know there are mixed opinions about this, but as a planner, this is how I work, and this is how I find my starting line.

First things first: what do you want?

Let’s say you draft a whole list of things you want to have, achieve, or buy in 2026. Goals, dreams, anything, then you create a vision board. You don’t have to be super specific yet, but you need to put them somewhere you can see. To remind yourself that you’re living intentionally, that time is precious. This is your rough map.

Then, when you know what you want, you set a direction.

Then comes the analysis. The reality constraints.

This is where you ask the real questions. You decide your pace, your scope, whether something is actually possible. You check what’s realistic, you set expectations, you design fallback plans, “bare minimum” rules, and systems that you can still follow on dark days.

You begin to notice the information you need, you ask the right people the right questions, you take the next possible steps, you sequence your actions, and you stop wasting energy walking in the dark. Now you have a torchlight in your hand, kan.

So now you know:

• what you want,
• where you’re going,
• what’s realistic,
• and the rough wireframe of your intentional life.

Because I love structure, I plan ahead, I create sequences and branches of where I might go. I design my life because I don’t have the luxury of chaos and recklessness, so I have to be intentional. I’m not super rigid about planning. I always evaluate and recalibrate when something doesn’t work, and I try again. That’s how I’ve been surviving the hard winters. You jatuh, you start again, but you need to keep moving forward: 

• Decide what you want (even rough ideas)
• Draw a map (even if it’s wrong)
• Start walking
• Re-route when reality corrects you

You can start the engine and drive somewhere, instead of just wandering aimlessly.

My buffer years are up, and my car is packed. All I need now is to drive into my next phase. 

いってらっしゃい !