I haven’t balik kampung in more than two years. I think the last time everyone saw me was after my dramatic hospital episodes, when I was still sickly. Then I went MIA for a while. My weight was more or less the same as it is now, but they were convinced I had gained weight and was “glowing.” And I get it. I remember. The last time I went back, I really did look unwell.
They mentioned that I look much better, now that my debilitating anxiety is manageable, almost miraculously invisible to society. Their last memory of me was after my episodes, which surprised me because it feels like a lifetime ago. That persona kind of stuck in their minds.
Azreen = sick = hospital.
Looking back, yes, it was dramatic. It was huge. It was life-changing. My whole life turned upside down while I was recovering, figuring things out, and deciding to change. It feels like another lifetime, but it all happened in less than five years. That phase was a turning point. Some parts of me did die that year. There is pre-2021 and post-2021.
Ma said I’m in a good place now, and I shouldn’t rock the boat.
But boats are meant to move, kan. I can't stay stagnant forever. And I'm not trying to sink my boat, I'm trying to sail it.
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