TMI but Important to Remember:
I've been missing my period for almost 2 months (It was probably due to being underweight and stressed out and not eating much during Ramadhan). And so, I was trying my best, giving my whole effort in helping my body regulate all the imbalances that it was having these past few months.
I'm making an effort:
Remember the crying week? (it was done, I cried, I let them out from the system). Then I went outside, I started walking, and in just a week, I walked for more than 40k steps, just to move, to manage the stress or whatever the things that I was hiding in the back of my mind. I went to find books at the library - the thing that I'm passionate about and I read (to feed my serotonin). Then I socialized - I went to Sofi's party, went out with my sister, had dinner with my brother, went back to Nilai, and scheduled a meetup with Ms Chin even though honestly, I didn't want to meet anyone. Then I went to the sukiyaki and yaniniku buffet to eat meat, when I didn't want to, because I thought my body needed it. Then I went for a massage to release the pain muscles last week and to continue with a better routine, I top up with morning yoga stretches these days and I dance because I'm making an effort.
I was spiraling, my hormones were chaotic, I couldn't eat, I had constant indigestion and I was nervous all the time. BUT, I know our brains can be tricked into believing and adapting to anything. So,
I'm making an effort.
Go for that walk, go meet that friend, go do your thing, go feed your passion, go dance it out, go enjoy being you even when you don't want to.
A week later, this morning, I finally had my period.
See, most of the time the only person that can help you is YOU.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm just a bit too old to be feeling or experiencing all these, kan. Macam sentiasa kena beringat then kena regulate emotion and take a mental note of these small little things yang boleh accumulate into a much bigger problem. Tapi yang membezakan keadaan ni dengan 10-20 tahun lepas adalah, the fact that you learned and supposed to use the things that you've learned when needed. Tapi kita manusia, selalu lupa, selalu abai sampai lah dah terlambat.
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But then, why do I write it all down here?
I think we aren't used to sharing honest vulnerabilities with society. In social media, we choose to only share the good parts of us. Even though in reality we might be in constant pain, confused, feeling dejected, alone, scared, and fragile - we think we are alone, and we aren't supposed to share anything that resembles weakness.
But we are not alone, and weakness is a part of us as humans.
I think normalizing this is important because it stays with us all throughout our lives.
I always voice out my vulnerability, and people do use that to point out my weaknesses back at me at times - and I do feel attacked when that happens. Perhaps I shared with the wrong people, or perhaps they just don't know how to use that information in a constructive way to help me. But I want to normalize this important part of being human.
For the sake of our mental health.
For perhaps in growing into a much better kinder human.
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