Books - I Found 'The Professor' at Bargain Basement and gave it a Go

I had a dust/fur allergic reaction after we went back from Raub last weekend. It was quite bad, both my ears and throat were itchy, I was sneezing, mild headache and my nose were watery the whole day. Then I can't sleep at night, maybe due to the new coffee I drank that morning or maybe because it was the first day of my period (hormonal changes). Not exactly sure.

I woke up again at 2 am, decided to take an antihistamine pill, and waited for the sleepy effect. I managed to read another 2 chapters from the book that I found at Bargain Basement, IOI last week. It is The Professor by Faizal Tehrani, now my current read. This is my first attempt to read his work (or maybe second, I think I probably read one of his other books around 10 years back).

I have no problem with his choice of topic, as a reader, I read any books that I can possibly consume, but I have some problems with the reading experience itself. I don't usually share books that I'm not a fan of, but I guess I want to remember this one (for my own future note).

Several issues with the book :

• It felt like reading his travelogue. I usually find details like names, places, transits, transportation names, flight/bus codes, and prices of each and every food/drink - quite distracting. I'm more of a visual learner, so I rather have things explained visually than in names (because I can't imagine it, so it turned into white noise while reading). This is one of the examples :

I think there are a lot of unnecessary details that can be omitted for a better reading experience. There are many more pages like this. I was mostly lost in the details and forgot what was happening in this scene :

• Also, assuming the reason I felt like reading academic writing is because Suliza is a professor? It is a bit lengthy and boring, at times it can take paragraphs and paragraphs about a topic/issue that is written like in academic writing. 
• Here he writes from a female 'lesbian' scholar's POV and the main character is sexually active. As a woman kan, I don't think we think of sex as much as a man does and we don't usually look around and feel turned on just by imagining. We don't really function the same way as men. We aren't horny most of the time, so it annoyed me a bit. Or maybe it is just for me. 
• Suppose he wants to write that many sex scenes & sexual imagination, also as a representation of one of the minority groups in Malaysia. In that case, I wish he wrote it from a gay Muslim living in Malaysia instead because I don't think there's much of a voice from Suliza as a lesbian Muslim scholar here. Do they really feel represented here? 

I didn't like the reading experience because there were too many names and details that did not help with the story-telling other than a distraction for me, and also with the academic-writing style - I mean, I am no academician, do they naturally talk that way among each other? The mention of which law, which countries, which academic writings, which speaker, which activists, which talks, it bores me :F Seriously, too many names and unnecessary details.

I've been reading a lot of classics for the past 2 months and they don't bore me as much as this :F The issues were valid though, I just wish it was written differently.

Here's what Faisal Tehrani mentioned in an interview :

“My role is to write. As stories and ideas are permanent, I choose literature. Others must get involved too. All of us. Those who read my writing, for instance, must tell others about them.”

So here I'm sharing about my new current read while resting from the Herman Hesse assignment. My grogginess from the antihistamine last night stayed in me for the rest of the day. I felt groggy and mellow the whole day, and had to nap in the afternoon. Not a fan of the aftermath.

Note: I finished it after 2 weeks of forcing myself to finish up the book so that I could start on other books, and I finally did. But I didn't like the reading experience at all, it was really boring, had to force myself to read it instead of DNF it because I want to resell it back. Glad it was over. I hope he won't stumble upon this blog because I don't want him to read this post - I don't usually share my dislike for any books with people. 

Books : On Knulp (1915) and his Idea of Freedom

I finished Knulp (1915) by Hermann Hesse yesterday. It was a quick read (probably can finish in one sitting, but I finished in 2). It is available on Scribd - no audiobook, just need to read on-screen (not my favorite method).

It is a novella about an amiable vagabond named Knulp, separated into 3 sections: Early Spring, My Memory of Knulp, and The End. Knulp wanders from city to city, sometimes staying with friends that care for him, but mostly staying on the road (just like Goldmund). He refuses to commit himself to a relationship, a place, or a job throughout his life. 

He wants full freedom to roam and be free. In the final chapter, he is dying, he begins to start a journey home to where he originally came from and he starts questioning whether his choices in life are worthless and immoral. 

During his deranged dying phase, he questions God and God answers :

"See," said God, "I did not need you to be any other than you. In my name, you have wandered and have always brought the sedentary people a little homesickness for freedom. In my name you have done stupid things and made yourself a mockery; I am mocked in you and loved in you. You are my child and my brother and a piece of me, and you have tasted nothing and suffered nothing that I have not experienced with you." "Yes," Knulp said, nodding heavily. "Yes, it is so, I always knew it."

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I am surprised that Hesse wrote another story about a man that chooses freedom, much earlier before writing Narcissus & Goldmund. Perhaps he was toying with the idea of a man with complete freedom in life (choosing a life without any commitments) and even romanticizing the idea himself.

And personally, there is something that annoys me with Hesse's characters: the fact that these men feel like sex is the utmost fulfillment when having a relationship with women. That is the only thing that matters; sexual pleasure. That's it. The sexual pleasures of all the women in different cities, the seduction, the affairs, all these are giving bad taste to these characters. It feels weak. 

They assume that they are liberated when they have multiple affairs and love, but I think it's just fear, fear of loving someone more than themselves. They are trapped in their own idea of freedom. Just like they fear everything else in the world: commitments, close relationships with other beings, and love. 

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Questions :

1. So if Knulp wanted nothing of life but to look on, does that ask too much or too little from life? 

2. Throughout Knulp's journey, he had a great fulfilling life. Everything starts to fall down when his health starts to deteriorate and he is getting older. He starts questioning whether he did the right choice in choosing a life as a wanderer and not having anyone else in his life. In the end, is it fair to ask whether everything is worth it? 

“He had too much to think about. In the course of his long, useless marches he had sunk deeper and deeper into the tangle of his botched life as into a clump of brambles, and still he had found no meaning or consolation.”

3. If Knulp didn't fall sick or could avoid getting older, do you think he will question his choices or felt regret? 

4. What are the differences between a homeless person and a vagabond? 

For everyone that chooses a liberated life, may you make peace with your choice because there are hardships in everything, and we can't avoid them? I hope that the loneliness, the difficulties, and the sickness at the end of his life were all worth it.  You can't win everything ♥

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Photo by Daniel Leone

Books : Hermann Hesse On Duality

Note: Hesse wrote a lot of fiction on the concept of duality: in Siddhartha, it was 'Siddharta' and 'Govinda', in Steppenwolf it was the protagonist and the 'wolf', in Narcissus and Goldmund it was them both. I'm sure in Demian as well. In this post, I only focus on Narcissus & Goldmund because that's the one I'm reading this month. 

“All existence seemed to be based on duality, on contrast. Either one was a man or one was a woman, either a wanderer or sedentary burgher, either a thinking person or a feeling person-no one could breathe in at the same time as he breathed out, be a man as well as a woman, experience freedom as well as order, combine instinct and mind. One always had to pay for one with the loss of the other, and one thing was always just as important and desirable as the other.”- Hermann Hesse

This is a coming-of-age story, that mostly focuses on Goldmund's perspective, and his friendship with Narcissus. They meet at the cloister school, Narcissus as the young gifted teacher and Goldmund as the student full of life. Goldmund leaves his monastery school in search of the 'meaning of life'. He wanders aimlessly for years, he has a passion for love and has numerous love affairs. The wandering years fill up this story until he reunites with his friend again in the end, and the two reflect upon their chosen past: contrasting the artist and the thinker.

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In the book, Narcissus is a devout spiritual monk, he represents science and logic, the 'masculine conscious mind'. 

He is a classic view of the left-brain dominant intellectual, a classical scholar who focuses on theology and philosophy. He has a strong ability to understand people and it leads him to a leadership/teacher position. Typically, the left-brainers are goal-oriented, organized, realistic, logical, and precise. The logical side of the brain is used in reading, writing, and calculations.

Narcissus is the one that stayed in the monastery, fulfilling his tasks to God wholeheartedly because he can't imagine doing anything else than what he decided upon. 

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Goldmund otherwise, the restless wandering artist. He represents nature and the 'feminine conscious mind'.  

He has a stronger right-brain ability: the right brain is more visual, and it processes information in an intuitive and simultaneous manner. Usually linked with creativity, artistic and spatial ability. The right-brainer tends to be disorganized, unpredictable, spontaneous, emotional, intuitive, and more comfortable with the unknown. Goldmund later became a wood carver. 

Goldmund is the one that left the monastery, drifting around the countryside and forest for years as a homeless vagrant, enjoying freedom from any commitments, searching for pleasure from women and childhood fulfillment (mommy-issue). During his travels, he faces the cruelty and corrupt nature of mankind as well. 

Every time he starts to settle down, he is either overtaken by his own restlessness or sabotages his position by seducing the maids, or any forbidden family members in the household. He just kenot tahan his love, and he kenot stay at one place, tsk.

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They are the yin & the yang, and their friendship is odd because they don't have anything in common except for their belief in God. The best thing in their friendship is their openness towards each other's views in response to religion and life, both accepted their differences and didn't feed each other with what they have learned. 

Narcissus once told Goldmund: 

“Ich lerne viel von dir, Goldmund. Ich beginne zu verstehen was Kunst ist.” - I learn a lot from you, Goldmund. I am starting to understand what art is.

• It is then said that this book is inspired by Friedrich Nietzsche's theory of duality in Apollonian vs Dionysian from Greek mythology - The Birth of Tragedy. Apollo is the god of the sun, represents rational thinking and order, and appeals to logic, purity, and reason. While Dionysus, is the god of wine & dance, of irrationality and chaos, and represents passion, emotions, and instinct. 
• He also might reference Carl Jung's psychological symbols and archetypes in his books. He became a patient of Carl Jung's staff for psychotherapy. 

When I read Narcissus & Goldmund, I can see myself in Goldmund. I am obviously the wandering artist tu kan. The one that can't stay in one place and be content with the 'planned & structured system'. I understand his need to choose his passion beyond everything, to choose life, love, and nature. We don't care about money, power, or status. We don't care what society says about what's right and wrong, we want to figure it out ourselves. We are emotional, prone to mistakes and heartbreaks, unstable, and perhaps even dramatic. 

Sometimes I don't even understand why I'm like this. But by learning about Goldmund, about Siddhartha, I come to learn myself better. Accepting that there are wandering artists in this world that need all the freedom the world can offer. Thank God there aren't that many, or the whole system would collapse. 

Anyway, reading Hesse has been fruitful in learning about myself. 

I'm very much interested to read Demian next. 

 

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Image by Patrick Perkins, Unsplash

Little Story 248 : Cleaning Up My Desk & Starting Over

I'm just starting to clean up my desk again after 2 months of neglecting my own workspace. Early last week, I packed all of the office's equipment and set my computer back on my standing desk. I also got my extra drawing desk again. 

At this moment I only have 2 client projects and then I don't have any other work planned out. It is a bit worrying but not as anxious and stressed out as before. I'm still recovering from the flu (day 6) but it is much better - please remember to get a flu shot in April, I don't want to feel this miserable again. 

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Random :

• If you miss Yasmin Ahmad, you can try watching Mentega Terbang directed by Khairil Anwar on Viu or on Mubi. Why Mentega Terbang ? It's a direct translation of 'butterfly' and it is a symbol used in the movie. Af figured that one out.
• I lend my Kindle to my friend back in August and then to Ms. Chin last month because she is traveling to Vietnam. I haven't been able to finish up to books I bought on Kindle yet.
• CAS is coming to Malaysia and the tix sold out faster than I can finish my meal.
• Yesterday we had lunch at Aja's house and it was so energy-draining that we all slept at 8pm last night and woke up really early in the morning.
• Here's a random poem by Rumi :

Let’s love each other, let’s cherish each other, my friend, before we lose each other. You’ll long for me when I’m gone. You’ll make a truce with me. So why put me on trial while I’m alive? Why adore the dead but battle the living? You’ll kiss the headstone of my grave. Look, I’m lying here still as a corpse, dead as a stone. Kiss my face instead! - by Rumi (translated by Haleh Liza Gafori)

Books - Reading Hermann Hesse during Flu Season

Yesterday was a little bit exhausting (because of the flu), so I spent some time in the afternoon laying down and read "Narcissus & Goldmund" by Hermann Hesse. Hermann Hesse was a German-Swiss poet/writer, he wrote several fiction mainly about individual's search for the meaning of life, duality, self-knowledge and spirituality back in the 1900s. He later won a Nobel Prize in 1946.

I first read Siddharta (1922) in 2014, and my creative director passed me her book because she thought that I might like it. I did like it and I reread it several times over the years. Then I accidentally found Steppenwolf (1927) with the same classic cover edition and I bought it from a second-hand shop for RM 3 - didn't like the story as much, but here are some beautiful excerpts. Then I can't remember when/how did I come across Narcissus & Goldmund (1930), also with the same cover edition. All by Bantam Books printed in the 70s. 

I'm not a collector, but finding a book with a classic cover still intact and decent is somehow fulfilling. 

So this year I want to read more classics right, I'm pausing on Dostoyevsky at this moment and decided to read as much Hesse instead because he wrote about spirituality from a Westerner's point of view in the 1900s and I think that is an interesting read.

I listened to his novella: The Journey to The East (1932) last month then I continued reading my copy of Narcissus & Goldmund. I'm curious about Wandering (1920) but I couldn't find a physical copy anywhere. Most of his other works can be found on Scribd - I just need to learn to read on screen:F

You can see his pattern and repetitive topics in his different fiction. Maybe one day I should fully nerd up and compile together all the things I find interesting about Hermann Hesse. Also, at times, you can feel like reading Haruki Murakami combined with Paulo Coelho. But it is still uniquely Hesse.

Interesting facts about Hesse : 

• So in search of the 'meaning', he went on a pilgrimage to Sri Lanka, Indonesia, Borneo, and Burma back in 1911 - when people don't really travel that much, to search for 'enlightenment' in the East. Isn't that interesting? Coming to Southeast Asia for enlightenment. 
• On religion: He believed that "for different people, there are different ways to God"; but despite the influence, he drew from Hindu and Buddhist philosophies, he stated about his parents: “their Christianity, one not preached but lived, was the strongest of the powers that shaped and molded me". 
• He was banned and banished from Germany during the Nazi regime: for his anti-war views and critiques, he also supported German refugees. 

Novels :

• 1904 - Peter Camenzind 
• 1906 - Unterm Rad (Beneath the Wheel; or The Prodigy) 
• 1910 - Gertrude
• 1914 - Rosshalde 
• 1915 - Knulp (or Three Tales from the Life of Knulp) ✓
• 1919 - Demian ✓
• 1922 - Siddhartha ✓
• 1927 - Der Steppenwolf ✓
• 1930 - Narziß und Goldmund (Narcissus and Goldmund; or Death and the Lover) ✓
• 1932 -  Die Morgenlandfahrt (Journey to the East) ✓
• 1943 - Das Glasperlenspiel (The Glass Bead Game; or Magister Ludi)

Books - Book number 10, of love and pain

 

Annie Ernaux is a French writer, who won the Nobel Prize in Literature last year. I already read 4 of her many books and my favorite is I Remain in Darkness: documentation since her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer, witnessing her gradual decline and experiencing loss. It was honest and heart-breaking, it reminds me about the shortness of life.

Most of her books are autobiographical. Ernaux was awarded the 2022 Nobel Prize in Literature for the courage and clinical acuity with which she uncovers the roots, estrangements, and collective restraints of personal memory. 

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Simple Passion by Annie Ernaux is a documentation of her heart-wrenching love affair with a married man. It was raw and painful to read. Her intense yearning, her irrational obsession, her silent pain, and her desire. She bravely shares something so scandalous to the world, something of a taboo, usually hidden from the public. We always see the third person in marriage as evil, forgetting that they are flawed humans as well. Ernaux wrote as the third person in a relationship. 

Some excerpts : 

I had no future other than the telephone call fixing our next appointment. I would try to leave the house as little as possible except for professional reasons (naturally he knew my working hours), forever fearing that he might call during my absence. I would also avoid using the vacuum cleaner or the hairdryer as they would have prevented me from hearing the sound of the telephone. Every time it rang, I was consumed with a hope that only lasted the time it took me slowly to pick up the receiver and say hello. When I realised it wasn’t him, I felt so utterly dejected that I began to loath the person who was on the line. As soon as I heard A’s voice, my long, painful wait, invariably tinged with jealousy, dissipated so quickly that I felt I had been mad and had suddenly become sane again. I was struck by the insignificance of that voice and the exaggerated importance it had taken in my life.I experienced pleasure like a future pain.

Quite often I would write down on a sheet of paper the date, the time, and “he’s going to come,” along with other sentences, fears—that he might not come, that he might not feel the same desire for me.” 

 

Desire is a challenging muse. It is intense and painful, but it is inspiring and it is full of life, of emotions. It tangles up in crazy knots that seem impossible to be free from. I have this phase of my life when I write things I can’t really write anymore, this muse, came from a special place. 

Anyone who has felt the intensity of such love could relate, and it seems foolish now when we look back, we realized how pathetic we may sound, how weak, how painful, how stupid, how utterly completely irrational. But we are not fully governed by our rational mind, we are as human as we are. It is a weak point that I do not wish on anyone, except for writers I guess, because we needed to share this pain with the world, to hold hands with those who needed it. 

From the very beginning, and throughout the whole of our affair, I had the privilege of knowing what we all find out in the end: the man we love is a complete stranger.

Thanks to him, I was able to approach the frontier separating me from others, to the extent of actually believing that I could sometimes cross over it.

He had said, “You won’t write a book about me.” But I haven’t written a book about him, neither have I written a book about myself. All I have done is translate into words—words he will probably never read; they are not intended for him—the way in which his existence has affected my life. An offering of a sort, bequeathed to others.

She wrote it not for the man that she loved, but for herself, for the sake of healing, of letting go, to reflect on things and for that I salute her because I needed to read that.  

I wish I could write something that is raw and shares it with the world.

Little Story 247 : First 2023 Flu

Yissh, we are fighting our first flu of the year. First, it was Sofi, then Af started getting sick, and now it is my turn. Day 4 of sore throat, sleepless night, and day 2 of a really bad runny nose. I thought I'd be celebrating my freedom by doing something fun for myself, but I'm stuck with a tissue up on my nostril. I had to put a small container on my table next to me to throw all the used tissues because it keep on coming fast. Usually, the flu takes a longer time to get cleared kan, I can't remember when was the last time we caught the flu. 

Yesterday I tried sleeping at 830 pm, then I tossed and turned until almost 12 am because it was uncomfortable. I'm tired right now, I just sent a draft to a client but I know I won't get my rest if I go lie down. I don't even feel like reading :F 

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Sickness aside. Today I managed to finish listening up to "Lean Your Loneliness Slowly Against Mine by Klara Hveberg and I also finished reading a graphic novel series called "Mamo" by Sas Milledge, because they were that good. I'm thankful for a clear mind during the flu season. 

I'm actually having a reading pattern that I don't want to explain to anyone. I have these specific books or writings that I'm searching for to understand certain things that I want to explore. In order to find these books, I have to keep on reading - because that's the only way. So maybe that's why I read/listen to so many books lately, or maybe I'm just obsessed with writing. 

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Right now it's raining heavily and I'm sitting at my desk again. Sofi cried 3 times in the past 2 hours because like I said, flu is very uncomfortable. 

Maybe I should try to rest now. 

Good rest, you. 

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Image by Alexei Scutari, Unsplash.

Little Story 246 : A Reflection

 

After the 3 months of probation, I decided to not continue working at the agency.

I can give many reasons and they will sound like excuses. But honestly, I think I just couldn't keep up with the pace and the expectation. Not at my age, not after I tasted freedom. I've begun to feel anxious and jittery while working. I can feel my anxiety build up and I don't even have time to manage it (like going out to run). 

Right now, I'm pushing myself to heal it again, I need to go outdoors and have a long walk. 

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I don't have any plans because it is sudden.

But I do feel like all the emotions were starting to get ready to erupt: constant nausea, indigestion, minor migraines when I wake up in the morning, shaky hands, tense shoulder, and rapid heart rate. I was under so much stress and they kept on pushing me to the edge. 

So, this week is my final probation week and I told them that I decided to not continue working there. 

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Even days after, I'm still jittery, still with indigestion and I'm still feeling nausea. I had to work on healing that again, need to tell my mind that I'm okay now and I can relax a bit. It will take some time, again. Anxiety is weird like that. But it is not my first rodeo, so I'm hopeful. 

Kelakarkan, being hypersensitive ni :F

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Image by Phillip Waterton