I suddenly remembered the first open house that we did during Eid, after such a long time of living in shadows of broken past. I was excited, the whole family was excited, because we don't really invite people to our house. It was a rare occasion, a feast, a celebration. It was the first house my mom felt comfortable for social gathering after the divorce (more than 10 years ago).
After so much foods that we cooked, so many hours for preparation, so much efforts and excitement. I ended up inviting the one and only close friend (she got something else planned, so she didn't came), Af invited his friends as well (but none turned up), my younger sister didn't really invited anyone that she knew will come, my older sister invited her close friends and colleagues ( but I just met only W during the feast) and my younger brother invited his friends over (which in this case - some of his ex-school mates). My mom didn't asked anyone other than relatives that stay in the area (2/3 families came). That's it.
The event reminded me of why we didn't really do social gathering anymore.
Other than we are all socially awkward beings and we don't really have any friends, we are just too broken to have relationships other than the our own family ties. We don't really have the energy to build up trust and connection with others. Either we just brush it off, or everyone around us can see how tall the walls that we built from all those years. Some part of me did felt disappointed, in a way, I felt like my wedding all over again.
But in any relationship, the connection needs to go both ways. There are reasons why people won't commit in a one-sided friendship, it is just a waste of energy. And I understand this. But I didn't realized that almost my whole family is on the same page as me.
But in any relationship, the connection needs to go both ways. There are reasons why people won't commit in a one-sided friendship, it is just a waste of energy. And I understand this. But I didn't realized that almost my whole family is on the same page as me.
I'm not sure whether I should worry.
I am fine without friends in my life, but I'm not sure how they cope with that.
Whether they enjoy the solitary life as me, or they do feel lonely.
Sigh. I can relate so much to this. Like you, I may have built a (really high) wall around me to save myself from further disappointment :/
ReplyDeleteAre you comfortable with your solitary life, or do you often feel lonely?
DeleteI may feel lonely at times, but I guess, I feel more comfortable being by myself :)
Deletei enjoy solitary life. but somehow when i meet new friends, i try to be as friendly as possible so that they wont feel awkward around me :D
ReplyDeleteWhen I meet new people, I'd probably be awkwardly friendly as well (the kind that sweats all over and talk gibberish) because I'm not a shy person. I'm just a bit reluctant to maintain the connection :D
DeleteIve been there too azreen, put all efforts to save relationship, been ignore, people left me out. At some point of my life Ijust gave up. Tapi, at that time i gave up on people around me too and thats no okay for me.
ReplyDeleteThose past would totaly haunted us, those wound would take time to heal and did teach us alots too :-)
Im trying to starts get new friends too, but it a bit slow :-) tapi saya tahu along the ways. Allah will show me who worth to keep.
Azreen, ive been following u since long time ago. I hope we could be friends in real life. And I pray may God pour you happiness and worth people to stay :')
Thank you Sarah :)
DeleteAt this point, I have no idea how to find 'friends' anymore.
I'm so used to spending time alone or with my husband, sometimes my siblings. That's all. No longer trying, no longer hoping, no longer waiting. As long as I don't feel lonely, I think I'm fine :)
Hope you are too :)