I came out from my deep well and looked outside for a bit. An old friend reached out, and I responded.
I had erased her whole existence for the past few years while I was in crisis, and she told me I had done it before. Once when my parents were separating and getting divorced. Once when I fell in love with someone I shouldn’t have. And then again these past few years. The same pattern repeating itself whenever I am faced with something too big for me to handle.
I can see my own red flag in how I handle crisis. When life becomes too much, I cave inward. It is not new. I feel safer inside my own box, protecting my heart while I try to process whatever enormous thing is happening in my head. I think the people close to me know this by now. The solitary confinement I retreat into just to survive my own thoughts.
The things that happen in my brain when there is “too much” sound like noise. Sometimes fast, sometimes unbearably slow, but always loud in their own way. In Inside Out 2, there is a scene where Anxiety becomes overwhelmed and starts doing everything at once. The mind moves frantically, but right in the middle of all that chaos, it becomes stuck. Frozen. Overwhelmed by the sheer volume of things happening at once. I thought that was depicted beautifully.
When something like this happens, I usually turn everything else off and go into safe mode. I focus only on the things I can control. I stop making decisions. I find space to breathe and take things one step at a time. Usually, I shut everything else out because I need silence in order to listen. My brain can already be unbearably loud, so I do not let anyone else in.
I know it is not the best way to handle difficult phases in life, but it became my default survival method.
These days, though, I give smaller access tickets to my siblings so they can check in on me because I knowwwww they are concerned. (Okay, okay, fine.) I am also more aware of what is happening while it is happening, so sometimes I will say, “I’m overwhelmed, please give me space,” instead of disappearing completely. I try to ride the wave of emotion instead of avoiding it. Then I sit with it long enough until I can finally find a solution, or at least a decision.
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Maybe this is not growth in the dramatic sense. Maybe it is just learning how to leave the door slightly open while I disappear for a while. Not everyone needs to enter. But at least now, someone knows where I went.
Tiny improvement ✦
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| Go awayyyh |
Note: I noticed that people that stay in my circle are orang2 degil in my life, because dorang tak bagi I chan lari jauh sorg2 🙄
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