Little Stories 262 : The Glasses, the Fever, the Works and New IC

More stories by the end of October:

Blood Donation:

I arrived, had lunch, registered, and I was stuck during the health checkup process: blood count was 'just enough', I was supposed to get my period that day, and if I donated my blood, I would get anemic symptoms later so the doctor suggested me to not make a donation that day. Also, my blood pressure was low, below 100 (as per usual). So she asked me to try again preferably 2 weeks after the menses.

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The Glasses:

I forgot to mention about the glasses. Well, Sofi accidentally stepped on my glasses when I asked her to hug me. Thankfully, I still have backup glasses that I don't usually wear because of the rubber nose pads that leave a mark on my nose bridge and the prescription is not even enough because I got it around 2 years back. 

Here's the last selfie that morning before it happened:

So I ordered a new one, not that different from the one before but this time with an updated prescription, in solid black instead of transparent black, with a sunglass clip-on, blue light, UV protection - all done.

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The Slight Fever and The Job:

I was not even a week into the new job when Sofi caught a slight fever and diarrhea. So, I had to stay at home with her. I didn't know whether this was a sign or a level I needed to figure out and get through. 

Ma said that she knew I would reject the job because it was almost impossible at this moment. At least until the end of the year after I change Sofi's kindergarten and find somewhere that offers extra-hour care. This job requires me to work for extra hours, outstation and travel to client sites, and also full commitments to managing the design team, and it is fast-paced, none of the things that I could offer now. So that night after Sofi fell asleep, I decided to tell the boss about my issues and decision because I was supposed to start officially on the 1st Nov - and I had to tell them before the stated date. 

I didn't start officially on the 1st Nov, but I had 3 days trial the week before and everything was chaotic at home during the trial. Other than having to drag my siblings to help pick up Sofi (none were keen to do it every day), I also had to rush back home, it took almost an hour before I arrived at Sofi's kindergarten, and then the dinner had to be prepared fast because when she's hungry, it became chaotic and dramatic. She's also not used to the long hours at school and she rarely spends time with me nowadays, so there was a day when she threw a tantrum and I grew impatient as well, then she screamed and cried while I was cooking and shouting at her. I even threw something on the floor - probably a spoon because I was also on the verge of hysteria (imagine cooking while someone is crying on the floor next to you). That day was a disaster and not healthy for both of us. Yes, I said sorry to her that night for losing my patience, I was the adult and she was the 4-year-old who missed her mom and who was hangry. 

I know being a full-time working mother is a challenging pursuit but I need to find some kind of balance, and this job doesn't offer anything near that. So, I rejected that one even though the title was great for the portfolio and the pay was nice. 

But, Alhamdullillah, I got 2 new clients' projects two days later. 

I think I'm on the right path and I trust the process. 

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The New IC:

Okay, this part is new. I didn't know the TnG in our IC could expire this early. 

The TnG chip in my IC expired this year and I had to renew the card. There is this website by our government where we have access to 'Information and Government Services Based On Life Events', called MyGovernment. So I registered (need to use Chrome) and applied to renew my card, and then it was ready to be picked up at JPN Putrajaya within 30 minutes. 

It was super easy and it cost RM 10 only. I renewed my card on Friday and I picked it up on Monday (the day Sofi had a fever), I went to the building, went up to the 2nd floor, went to the counter, told the lady I wanted to pick up my renewed card, she gave me a number, I put my number at counter 26, and waited for my number to be called. Then showed them my receipt, and gave them my old card, he cut it, and he passed me a new one. That's it. 

I think the whole pickup process took less than 15 minutes in total.

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The Weekend Treat:

Oh yes, Af also treated us to a mini staycation at Putrajaya on the weekend - I think because he felt bad for not spending time with Sofi for so long since he became too busy with work, outstation, and his freelance job. 

I bought the most beautiful shimmery bubble bath in pink for Sofi and we had fun playing in the bathtub - I think the water was a bit too hot but in an air-cond room, that's why she had a slight fever on Monday, hah hah hah. Compared to the bath bomb, I think bubble bath liquid is much more satisfying. 

Little Stories 261 : Story Time, Half-Marathon Update, and New Work Schedule

Some stories collected since last week:

Sleep Time:

Sofi and I started a new routine: story time before sleep after we turned off the lights. Usually, our routine would be me reading 1-3 books to her then we go to sleep, but because I'm already too bored with repeating the same books repeatedly, I started the story-telling time. 

For me, creating a simple short story is easy, and I didn't even know I could do it promptly (they aren't perfect but good enough for a 4-year-old). I'm also training her to tell her own story. 

Here's my fav from Sofi:

One day, Elsa walks in the park. There's a poop on her hair. The end =.=

She finds poop-story hilarious.  

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The Half-Marathon:

Okay, I didn't have time for proper training so I wasn't confident that I could even do 15 km. So I told my brother *who was supposed to accompany me as my pace runner but didn't register in time. Then he said, just sell the bib. I didn't know people did that, so because I just didn't want to make any decision at this moment, I asked the universe to help me decide: if someone wanted to buy the bib then I don't run, but if no one buys it, I will run. 

Just several hours after he listed the bib, someone requested to buy it, contacted me directly, paid the fees, and picked up the bib + t-shirt that night on the same day. 

So, I don't have to run 21 km tomorrow night.  

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Work-Time:

Did I mention that I started working in a new job full-time this week? The boss requested me to come in a week early, I'm not even fully mentally prepared for this. But like I said, I don't want to make any decision at this moment, so I just follow the path.

I finished one of my client's work already but 2 more clients are still in the draft phase, so I'm trying to manage them when I wake up early in the morning. Yes, I still automatically wake up around 3.40 a.m. every day. 

About work? Well, work is work. I'm still not used to being in the office for hours on end, 5 days a week. The last time I did that was in 2016. I know, my rebellious heart won't tahan this fixed routine life so I'm still searching for other options but in the meantime, I'm trying my best to stay on the course. That is why I can relate with Knulp or Siddhartha in Hermann Hesse's books or stories about wandering dervishes that can't stay in one place. I know myself, being stuck in a rigid office schedule in an office just doesn't work for me :F 

But my mom is so happy because her daughter is now a Junior Art Director in an agency - let's fake it till you make it.

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Balik Kampung 

We were supposed to go back to Pekan in early Oct, but things kept on happening every week so we postponed until last week. Like suddenly Sofi got her kindergarten portrait day scheduled, or I got interviews, then Sofi got a school trip to the fire station, then I got a job offer and had to rush up all clients' works or this and that.

Last week was our final week before I started working full-time, and then we finally canceled when my boss asked me to start work early. So we had a staycation at my sister's house. We went out shopping for groceries and had a grilled and syabu-syabu session on Saturday, and we did more shopping the next day. Just a fun weekend with my siblings and my mom. 

Oh, and there was a free health checkup at Aeon that day. I did a blood pressure and glucose checkup and everything looks normal. Also, now that I don't have to do a half-marathon, I can proceed with donating my blood again. 

Next blood donation drive:

• Aeon Equine: 28 & 29 Oct, 10 am - 5 pm
• Aeon Cheras: 28 Oct, 10 am - 5 pm

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PS: I also got in for this year's Comic Fiesta but decided to not attend this year around, perhaps next year if I manage to make something solid to sell 🤲

Note: I will update all the pictures when I have time.

Little Stories 260 : The Fall, the Rain and Oct in General

Some stories collected since last week:

The fall:

Early last week, it was raining when we were walking back after I picked up Sofi from kindergarten. Then we walked past the shop's corridor, and because it was raining heavily, 3 dogs were resting along the corridor so we couldn't pass through - they conquered the space. I stepped back in the rain while holding Sofi's hand, umbrella, and her bags. 

Then we were climbing down the wet slippery stairs from the corridor, I accidentally slipped in slow-motion and fell down right on the stairs in the rain - still holding Sofi's hand. She was okay, still standing, she became my anchor (lol, that's the metaphor in my life - me slowly falling but having her to be my anchor). 

My butt was still floating but my back was on the steps, and it wasn't a hard crash but still, I slipped on the wet stairs. Thank God it was 'almost' in slow motion, so nothing was broken or slipped. Things could be worst but it didn't and thank God for that. I was sore for 4 days after that, and after a week it felt fine but there was still a tiny sensation in my left pelvis when I walked fast.

I haven't run for almost 2 weeks because it has been a bit overwhelming lately, the fog, the fall, the rain, and the workload.

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October:

For several months everybody ghosted me - clients, bosses, people in general. It was weird, frustrating, and sure, it made me question my existence. I was angry a lot because I had to go through the process of stagnance - I don't have patience with not being productive, or feeling stuck. 

Then October came and my life started to change its course. From constant dullness into a full-speed change: I got client work projects (more than 3 different clients in a fortnight), I got contacted for interviews and I got job offers, then I accepted a job offer for a full-time spot. So I had to finish up client work that I accepted in a month before reporting to duty. That's one. Update: My boss decided that he needed me to come in a week early.

It's a lot, I only have less than 2 weeks to go. We had to find a solution for many things like how to pick up Sofi from kindergarten when I'm working full-time. A 3-hour-per-day babysitter costs as much as RM 1,200 per month when asked for a quotation, Sofi is already in a full-day daycare until Dec, and even that costs around RM 800 per month. That's two.

Sofi isn't reacting well to the daycare program. I can see that she starts to refuse to go to school and she cries in the morning - we never had that problem in the past 8 months before she started going full-day. She was usually excited about school. But she has been having tantrums and attachment issues lately. She is not adapting well and it has been 1.5 months. That's three.

It's tough, ok. 

So if one day, Sofi is all grown-up and she reads all this: 

To Sofi, I would want you to know, that we've done many things together in the past 4 years in your newborn & toddler phases. Now comes the time that I need to sacrifice my time with you so that I can provide a better life. I'm just following the flow that is created for me, and at this moment, this is the best that I was offered and I'm accepting it. We won't have that much time together but I hope, we can make do with what we have at this moment and probably there will be new opportunities in the future that could provide a better option for us. So please don't hold on to this. 

I'm writing this because I know, I held on to the fact that my parents weren't there during my childhood and teenage years when I needed them the most - but they were just human and surviving, just like me, just like you will one day in the future. 

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Ma's Birthday:

We celebrated my mom's birthday last weekend.

It was weird and I was just physically there but in my mind, I was elsewhere. I had a bad stomach issue that day, we were at a hi-tea and supposed to eat a lot - but who still can eat a lot in their late 30s? I can't, it was not a good decision. I only ate a plate and took a small bowl of noodles that I couldn't even finish, then I started going to the toilet, 3 times in those 2 hours we were there. I was sweaty, I confused it with anxiety but it was probably just a bad stomach issue. 

After we passed the cake and presents, I walked along the corridor. I did several rounds and reached 3 km in those walks. Then they all sat on the sofa along the hotel corridor and opened the presents there because I was not feeling good and had to walk. Needed to be near the toilet. Tsk. 

So I was not mentally there because I was dealing with my gut issues.

But in pictures, I looked good because of the technology: the filter and the built-in auto-correct feature in my mom's phone or whatever that was that made me look younger and radiant. Don't trust anything you see online. I was miserable. 

But happy birthday ma.

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Toys:

I really wanted to play with bricks toys specifically Lego. Not only for Sofi but for me.

But Sofi got so many toys and we had to deal with that first. So I'm selling her old toys that she didn't want to play with anymore on Carousell and I'm surprised that people are buying. 

So I ordered a pastel Lego classic because of the colours, of course. How would I design cute blocks without pastel coloured bricks kan. It felt ridiculous to say this, but I felt like my childhood dreams were redeemed once I started playing with Sofi. I didn't know how fulfilling it could be. But, although they are in pastel and have special items: various eyes, antennas, whiskers, triangles, and odd shapes, they weren't as many as I needed to make a big building. So, I'm searching for used Lego classics on Carousell to add to our Lego bricks. 

You can buy it from Shopee: LEGO 11028 Classic Creative Pastel.

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The Gaza Genocide:

This is not rocket science, you don't have to think twice to know that what's happening in Gaza is a genocide, they should stop pretending like this is a war. It is obvious, that they are killing every Palestinian in Gaza. No one is safe, no children, no healthcare providers, no journalists, no hospitals, no neutral space, no food, no water, nothing. 

So take a stance. 

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The Rain :

It rained heavily again yesterday, and I was picking up Sofi from school like usual. We were stuck at the kindergarten for some time, and then I said to Sofi that we needed to try walking home. Sofi didn't like the wet feet, or the feel of dirt on her wet slippers, those tiny sands, you know, wet slippers in the rainy day kinda thing - I wholly understand because I was also a sensory-sensitive child, I don't like wet slippers or sand. Ha.

So halfway through she refused to walk, she let go of her umbrella, and she cried because what do you expect when it is just not a good sensation for a 4-year-old to have her feet wet with water and dirt. Sabo je lah. We had to stop at the school and I comforted her and told her that we needed to walk back home. She refused, of course. She cried and she wanted me to carry her. I eventually had to carry her halfway walk home, in the heavy rain, with a small umbrella, and 2 of her bags. We were almost fully drenched by the time we got home, my arms were shaking because 14 kg weight is quite a lot for untrained arms. 

Practicing gentle parenting is hard, but I refuse to use an authoritarian style on a toddler because I know, I know what it felt like and the effects on us - my dad was one, and his dad was one. But then, you know how toddlers love to challenge us kan, like I said, sabo je lah.

Little Thing 273 : Passive Income

If you are curious about selling ebooks on Etsy as a passive income, let me share this with you. To be fair, they do all the charging and tax paying and fees and segala benda for you lah so you don't have to worry about the messy part. 

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Here goes:

I am selling the ebook for $6, that's around RM 30.39 last week.

• processing fees (4.5% + RM 2.00) = - RM 3.37
• VAT (remitted to tax authorities) = - RM 2.76 
• transaction fee (6.5% of item total) = - RM 1.84
• VAT transaction = - RM 0.11
• VAT processing fees = - RM 0.20
• deposit fee (to bank) = - RM 8.00
• VAT deposit fee = - RM 0.48
• auto listing fee = -RM 0.94
• VAT auto listing = -RM 0.06

So from the RM 30, I finally got RM 12.63.

I've been selling these ebooks since 2020, and I let it roll by itself because it never really makes that much money for me and I just wanted to make these zines available all over the world (that was my main intention). Since 2020, I got around 40 orders, accumulated to roughly less than 300$ USD - that's it. So, mende lah sgt kan, in case LHDN ingat kita buat beribu2 kan, yg berapa sen ni pun da setel bayar tax. The buyers are random from Etsy users so I don't even have to promote or do anything as long as the listing exists in the Etsy realm. 

But then, I guess people started traveling again and they are searching for travel zines to Japan - and so the sales came up lately. Hence, I stopped by at my Etsy and looked around. One thing that I changed is the deposit schedule from once every fortnight to once every month to reduce the transaction fees. Other than that, I can't do anything else. 

These are mediocre zines that as an artist, I don't want to see anymore because of how ugly they look in my eyes after several years. But still, useful for some people. 

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Sure, there are other options:

• like selling on our own website 
• also sites like Gumroad

But I'm too lazy to promote, do any selling, or become active on social media to let people know or urge people to buy these mediocre ezines, and to think about tax fees and everything. I just want them to exist, attract their own buyers, run their own course, and Etsy seemed to do the job. Lagipun org luar je yg beli ezines, org kita nak physical copy..

Etsy is a huge platform, it is reliable, but it is pricy and nowadays you need to pay extra to be seen by mass users. It's a love-hate relationship lah.

Again, I just do it for fun, dapat RM 10 per ebook pun ok lah. 

Boleh laa buat beli eskrim utk family. 

Run - Some Running Accessories

It's been more than 5 years since my last running event, so I had to buy some stuff to prepare for my half-marathon. 

The Shoes

Late-late-late.

I ordered new shoes to replace my overworn shoes 6-weeks before my half marathon. I chose *almost the same shoes as before but a more recent version, from Al-Ikhsan. It was posted the next day, and I received it within 3 days. 

It's the Nike Flex Run 11 (Al-Ikhsan got 20% off). I didn't want to take too much time in picking up shoes, so I just chose the one that worked for me. This is my 3rd time buying almost exactly the same pair of shoes in the past 5 years - I think I have a problem with always sticking with one thing that works for me. 

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My current shoes My Now-Old Shoes:

I think I got it as a present in 2021 from my sister to replace the one that I bought in 2017:

So she basically just bought a new one to replace the old ones, almost the same design (Nike Flex 9). With normal wear, it lasted up to 3 years (I didn't run that much but I use it for any outdoor activities). The sole is now pretty worn down and it gets slippery. Now that it's rainy season again, I think I need to be prepared for wet paths.  

Look at those over-worn shoes, much loved and appreciated. It now fits nicely to my feet (like a comfy sweater) but it is slippery now it gets dangerous when used. I can Marie-Kondoed it later now that it served its function to the very last ♥♥♥ 

I hope 5-weeks is enough to "break in" the new shoes and adapt. 

(૭ ｡•̀ ᵕ •́｡ )૭ ganbatte~

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Military Tag

I also custom-ordered a military tag from Malaysia Military Tag. On this tag, there is some basic important info about me and also an emergency contact behind the tag. So if anything happens during a running practice alone, a running event, or during my travels, I hope this will be useful. I watched too much of Grey's Anatomy to know the importance of some sort of reliable identification, I don't want to be a Jane Doe.

It is stainless steel, so it should be able to deal with so much sweats :F I also ordered a small keychain version with my name + number and inserted it in my bag in case it went missing.

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I also bought a running pouch because the zipper on my old one was broken and can't be fixed anymore. Also probably want to try wearing a hat to see whether I can deal with sunlight better when I practice. Other than that, everything else is just my everyday stuff:

Books : Bittersweet, Book on Sorrow & Longing

For the past few months, I've slowly read Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole by Susan Cain. I consumed many books this year, but this is one of my favorites so far (maybe because I read it slowly, bit by bit only when I have time). 

Susan Cain wrote Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking about 10 years ago and it started the Quiet Revolution. It made me feel seen and explained, she became our spokesperson in the world where we feel comfortable not explaining ourselves for our differences. I've waited for that moment for so long throughout my childhood, teenage, and early adulthood, when we were expected to be 'socially active'. Well, that's a whole other story.

Last year she published Bittersweet and I decided to buy her paperback once it came out. Again, she did it, she wrote the things that I felt since I was 9 and when I started to see the world melancholically. I knew I couldn't be the only one who felt like this, I knew bittersweetness is not a momentary feeling for me, it's a temperament, it is a way of being, it is who I am and how I see the world. 

This book is part memoir, part self-help, part anecdotal, part philosophical, and part research in understanding herself and the world around her. It is entertaining enough to be read not as an academic reading which I appreciate. It is relatable enough not to be accepted as reading a self-help book. It felt more like reading a self-journey in understanding longing and bittersweetness in life. 

I think this book is suitable for people who see the world with so much intensity, with so much pain and longing and bearable sadness that follows them throughout their lives. We are not depressed per se, just a bit too melancholic, emotional, and nostalgic. We find the world too beautiful in its imperfection. 

We are the artists, the poets, and the writers of the world. I feel like we were born with this much intensity so that we could express it beautifully in our own ways. 

This book is not for everybody, I believe we can only get the connection we need with the book that we are reading when it is read at the right moment in our life. Some books are just not it at that moment, and some books resonate with your life well only at that particular time. So if you are primarily a bit sensitive, melancholic, and bitter, you can read it anytime. But if you are mostly positive, pursuing life like a tornado, driven, maybe it is not for you. Also, if you are in a phase of dealing with grief and sadness, it might be a good read for you too. 

There are mixed reviews on Goodreads, some people felt that it is a bit too anecdotal and too personal to be taken seriously - then I personally believe that they aren't born as melancholic as some of us are, they don't understand the never-ending search, the longing, the emptiness that we are often thinking about, the hole that can't be filled. 

Have you read Rumi, can you feel his pain and longing? Have you listened to The Album Leaf's The Light and not felt anything? Try to watch Tony Takitani and tell me what you feel? 

“Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes. Because for those who love with heart and soul there is no such thing as separation.” - Rumi

"It's strange. I felt less lonely when I didn't know you." - Jean-Paul Satre 

"Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little, love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that - I love life. But it is hard, and I have so much - Like so very much to learn." - Sylvia Plath

I see it not only in literature but in music, movies, arts, lyrics, and anything man-made, and then I see it in my surroundings, my existence, nature, people, the world, and everything God created. Big and small, visible and not visible. Everything is art and it is painfully beautiful, the perfect imperfection. 

So, every time I found someone as intense as me, I knew I was not the only one and it's just good to know (intense in this context is the inner self, the part that is not seen from the outside, I'm mostly seen as plain and rigid by my peers)

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Note: The only thing that I don't feel comfortable with in this book is how almost everyone she mentioned (that she connected with for the research of this book), is mostly Jewish. Is this intentional, yes, maybe because she is Jewish and it was her personal research, but I wish she made it more versatile and inclusive? Other than that, the book is a 5-star. 

Little Thing 272 : On Duality and the In-Between

"Duality" usually refers to having a contrast between two concepts, an opposite: dark and light, positive and negative, man and woman, death and rebirth, conscious and unconscious, stillness and movement, good and evil, peace and war, love and hate, up and down, mind and body, etc. On the physical level, it is easy to make this comparison because we can see the obvious.

In life, when we mention 'duality' we only focus on the obvious extreme sides of the comparison, the contrast, but what if instead of focusing only on these two sides, we take into account the in-between? The bridge that is connecting these two concepts? 

The grey part, the link between these two:

Instead of two, it is actually three sides to look at:

• You know the moment that it is dark enough to know it is dark but lighted enough to know you can still see in this condition, like walking in the deep dark forest and the only source of light you have is the reflection from the moon. Not dark, not light, the in-between state.
• Characters that are morally grey, not purely evil, and not exactly on the good side either. They go beyond the evil vs. good traits and usually follow their own sense of justice and rules. When they do good, is it good? When they do evil things for the greater good, is it evil? Not picking on any sides, but in between.
• People who are not fully a man or a woman because they were created to have both female/male genitals or even born with none.
• How about being in a semi-conscious state, when you are not fully awake from sleep but experiencing a vivid dream-like phase, or during a meditation when you are fully focused that you feel like you merge with your surroundings and become one. 
• People in a comatose state, when they seem unconscious to us, but they are able to feel and hear everything that is happening around them but not able to respond. Stuck in a semi-conscious state.
• Or like on a light switch, you turn it on and the light turns on and when you switch it off it turns off. But if you control the switch to be in the middle, when the light starts blinking on-off-on-off, that state, it is the bridge that connects both conditions.

What if when we talk about 'duality' we put the bridge that connects these two conditions into account, so instead of focusing only on these 2, it is actually in 3 states. Why the bridge is important? This is to let us know the importance of visualizing it as concepts that are connected to each other to reach its balanced state. We need to see it as a whole, instead of separated into two extreme sides.  

It is about accepting that in order to understand darkness, we need to know the light, in order to know joy, we need to accept pain because they are connected with each other. 

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But it isn't a completely new idea lah, I've just started to make sense of this concept for the past several years. For instance, when I was much younger when people asked me what I wanted, I would answer that I wanted 'happiness', so I aimed for that. But the older I get, I learned that in order to earn happiness, I need to embrace the sadness in my life. Being in a constant state of euphoria isn't sustainable, it is not even normal. I don't have to be constantly happy to live a good life, nor should I be unhappy all the time, but I would rather learn to be content with the current state I am in. 

When people ask me, I want to be able to say that I am 'content', I'm not happy or sad, I'm just ok, I guess. 

But I am not in that state yet, I'm still learning to think and feel, to accept and forgive, to let go and perhaps move on. Hermann Hesse likes to write his fiction about the concept of duality, but as I said, there is more to see other than these 2 extreme sides, there is the in-between and I think it is important to take that perspective into account because sometimes, there are hidden parts where most people don't usually see. 

I know we only see the obvious, but what about the subtle things, the mostly hidden, the usually forgotten? As David Bohm said in Whole and the Implicate Order on the concept of the quantum realm: underlying physical appearances, the "explicate order", there is a deeper, hidden "implicate order".

Little Thing 271 : Creating A Habit, Sofi's Sports Day and Books I Read in September

So far I've been experimenting with the 2 posts every week and I have managed to maintain a good number since Feb (except in May, when I was struggling to think, let alone write). 8 is good, 2 posts each week is good. Sometimes I even write scheduled posts early on because I want to or I can, and I am proud of myself for having the discipline to sit and write something. Sometimes I just want to crawl under the bed and not write anything public (probably just disappear from the internet, just pack up and leave), but it is never good to listen to myself when the struggle is real. 

I'm not depressed anymore, I just find it hard to be content, that's all. My spirit is still burning, and I still want so many things in life. I think social media, in general, is unhealthy, the amount of time I spent there coveting the things that I don't have, comparing my life to others, and stalking lives. I know this is the norm these days, but I want to be able to step aside and actually have a life to live, away from the world that we created as our public persona. 

I want to walk. 

I think I needed to walk to survive this, and so I walked and kept on walking. Then slowly, I was able to write again, to have mental clarity, and hopefully, one day, to have the strength to let go of the things that have been anchoring me down.

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Last weekend we attended Sofi's sports day - in a closed badminton court (which I appreciated immensely because I really hate hot days out in the sun). When I was younger I used to hate sports, and I detested it with all my heart - didn't like the competition or the hassle, or the crowd, or the weather, or the attention. Just not a sports person, the only thing I was good at was endurance - the long walk or run, an activity that doesn't require interaction with other people. 

But, my Sofi was having a sports day and I'm a supportive mother, I wanted to be there for her. So the sports day was a day that I was looking forward to - I even asked my family to attend too (my brother and my mom were there). I was willing to be the cheerleader, but any other activities were passed to Af as agreed before the event. 

We arrived early, and we ate in the car, I packed tuna & egg wraps, boiled some quill eggs, and made Sofi a cheese sandwich. We went in, picked our spot, and passed Sofi to sit among her team. The thing that surprised me was how nervous she was when asked to be separated from us. She cried, she probably even wailed, she had to be soothed by a teacher for a while and was moody all the time she sat apart from us. Even when she clearly can see us sitting on the bench from afar. We never had this problem before, I think she started developing separation anxiety again since she started going to school full-day this month. This was new. 

Anyway, the event was cute. Children marched, toddlers danced in pompoms, and they played games even though the whole scene was so messy and they were scattered everywhere, it was so precious but boy, so hectic too. The 2 hours event was so fun because I mostly sat at the bench as a spectator, shouting 'whoowhoo' and clapping the long-blue tubes. 

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Books I Consumed in September:

• Look at the Lights, My Love by Annie Ernaux
• Babel by RF Kuang
• Reproduction by Louisa Hall
• Evil Eye by Etaf Rum
• Thieves by Lucie Bryon
• The Perfect Medicine by Brodie Ramin
• A Woman Is No Man by Etaf Rum
• The Half Moon by Mary Beth Keane

None of these books are perfect, but they give female empowerment vibes, a topic that is still new to me. RFKuang was 26 when she wrote Babel (650+ pages of beautifully crafted speculative fiction), Reproduction tells a story about the writer's own pregnancy and miscarriage, the traumatic experience of childbirth, and the insecurity of motherhood. Etaf Rum is a Palestinian refugee, her parents emigrated to the US, and the books that she wrote were from her own views, frustrated by her limitation as a Muslim woman in her society. The Half-Moon started well, but it ended quite badly so I didn't know what to summarize here. 

These books give me the strength to write and embrace my own insecurity. 

I'm happy that Scribd decided to give me another free month. So I've been listening to audiobooks while running these days, I don't listen to songs anymore because it will drag me into more melancholic phases that aren't healthy for my soul. Listening to other people's stories teaches me to focus on other people's voices while running, unlike listening to songs, which do not require constant focus.

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Note: 

This weekend was packed with activities; Sofi's sports day, family visiting, trying to do some work before going on a mini trip, preparing for yet another interview (tomorrow), and and and. I hope I can have a good night's sleep, I know I have a lot on my plate right now. Fin.