BB - Sofi is 4

Sofi turned 4 last weekend ♡

We celebrated at my mom's in Nilai to cater larger crowd that we invited (but mostly none came, hah hahaha). From now on, Sofi's birthday party is family-only party until she gets her own friends that she wants to invite ok - no more open party. I was so bitter last weekend I felt like canceling the event, but it was not 'my' party and we did have fun eventually. Seriously, I can't believe now I had to care whether I have friends or not just so Sofi has same-age friends to play with. 

Anyway, it was not my day, it was Sofi's day and I'm glad she had so much fun.

Thank you to my ma & siblings for all the homemade foods ♡- I requested a potluck party so we each had to make something ourselves. I woke up at 5 am just to make trays of macaroni + cheese, Aja made quiche and peach strudel, ma made mi kari, bubur jagung durian and prepared fruits, Azmi made the cake, the tarts and the cupcakes, and Azura made the sandwich. 

We all wore Ma's purple Zanubah shirt, so it coincidently match Sofi's Twilight Sparkle theme. This is the year she 'requested' for her little pony's birthday party. So we all played along with the purple theme as well. She was so excited to be the main character of the event - she wanted to wear 'the party hat', or 'the cape'. She knew it was her birthday, her cake, her candle, her spot. All, quite interesting for me to watch because she is my total opposite and she's developing her own personality that is alien to mine. She is so expressive and she voices it out, while I'm timid and I don't say much in public. I'm figuring out a way to guide her the best that I can but she always surprises me. 

Look, look, look, all the homemade foods :

These are the little achievements or changes for the past year between 3 and 4:

• she started talking
• she started kindergarten
• she got friends at her school
• she improved in night sleeping (this took 3 years..) 
• she stopped wearing diapers altogether (no more night/poopoo pampers)
• she got obsessed with My Little Pony
• she chooses her own clothes nowadays
• she can ride her scooter up to 2+ km while I'm running
• she has her own 'makeup' routine before she goes to school
• she knows her ABC and 1-10 (in 3 languages)
• she can write her name
• she's very clingy to me (she used to be clingy with Af)
• oh, she exchanged her best friend 'baba' for the new pony plushie 

She has 2 more years before starting school, and yes, the toddler years went by quite fast once she gained more confidence in doing things herself. Lately, she's been saying that she is no longer a 'bb' (baby) and she is a 'big girl'. She told Af not to pokpok her to sleep because she wants to sleep herself or she will take the weighing machine, weigh herself and show me that she is now 'big'. I don't know where this obsession with 'growing up' came from, because I never really pushed her if she is not ready. 

Anyway, she's my darling and I hope I will be her best friend as long as she needed me to be.

Happy birthday, bb.

Little Stories 253 - I Went on Food Hunts with My Brother

Joining my brother's pastry hunt - I'm new in cafe hunting or anything food related. I just wanted a good walk in the city, food inspiration and a nice silent breakfast treat every now and then, so I invited myself to go to these little food hunts with my brother. Ever since there is an MRT near our house, KL feels much reachable. Last month we went to Flaaah in Chinatown area and this month we went to Croisserie in Damansara Heights. 

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Flaaah is located not so far from MRT Pasar Seni (Gate A), you just had to walk a bit. There are so many cafes just along the path towards Flaaah, so you'll have more options to choose from. I think I might go there alone someday to draw and read.

Here is the food from Flaaah, the best thing would be just plain croissant (+my brother brought along a box of camembert cheese so that was divine as well). Both peanut butter + chocolate croissants were a bit too sugary for my old-lady tongue. Price-wise, the pastries were as expensive as Kenny Hills food.   

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Next, this month he brought me to Croisserie in Damansara Heights. We had to take MRT to Semantan and Grab to the place. There are more nice cafes near MRT Semantan, but let's keep those for after September when I work in the area. 

I tried the smoked salmon pain viennois, plain croissant and almond milk uji matcha latte. I even took my lactase pill, but I still felt nauseous afterward (not sure from what, perhaps the migraine). The cream cheese was from him (he brought along cream cheese and coffee from home). The matcha latte was rich, thick, and frothy:

Price-wise, it is much more affordable. 

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The headache came and went on a hot day, a tiny symptom before my pms migraine. Later on for lunch, we went to Kagura in Bukit Bintang and ate a nice spicy white ramen to wrap up the day. And, it was also a delicious meal - I don't normally eat that much soup in one sitting, but this time it was hard not to. The soup was creamy and slightly spicy. Very nice indeed. 

I'm enjoying this little monthly trip very much.

It feels like a little adventure: walks, books, and nice beautiful foods that I can draw later on. I've been in an art block since last year, and I think trying out new things is good for me. 

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I used Sakura Pigma Brush Pen for these entries, buy the pens here.

Books - Beneath the Wheel (1906) by Hermann Hesse

This would be the 2nd book that was written by Hermann Hesse. It was written back in 1906. Usually, the early ones are not that good, so I already expected it to be among 'not-his-best-works'. The experience of reading it was a bit underwhelming. I read it because I was curious. 

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Beneath the Wheel is a story about a young talented boy called Hans Giebenrath. He is talented, smart, and one of the prominent boys in his village. He excels in his qualification exam and wins a scholarship. The whole town expects him to continue his studies. Even during the summer holiday afterward, he continues studying because everyone expects him to. 

In the seminary, he dutifully follows the regimen of school, excels in examinations, and becomes one of the favorite students among the teachers. He is the model student until he becomes close with one of the rebellious young poets; Hermann Heilner. Heilner is a problematic student, a bad influence and he is then expelled from the seminary. 

This leads to a feeling of disassociation for Hans and he could no longer study like his usual self. Hans too is sent home after a nervous breakdown. Back home, Hans feels disconnected from everything and everyone in his old town. 

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It is quite an underwhelming read, but I still love the translation and story-telling. A bit boring and draggy at times. I think the climax of the story is when Hans is sent home - but even then, nothing much really happened. Felt like the writer only wrote vibes and his thoughts on the education system. Compared to all his other books that I read with heavier philosophical topics, this just feels like vibes. 

I think what HH is trying to say here :

• The education system is trying to put us in a dedicated box that focuses solely on academics to create people that can do work instead of thinking creatively - as in artists, poets, innovators
• Don't study, study, study - go out, have a life, be in nature, dream, rest, go out fishing, make friends, sleep under the tree
• Boarding school is rigid and biased, they focus on academics alone
• You go into the system, you die - literally - Hans was found dead after he started working. 

I think perhaps HH wanted to say that Hans' soul was dead after he decided to try to become a mechanic and be in the 'system' + broken-hearted when his crush left him without any notice. 

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On school system:

It is his duty and responsibility to control the raw energies and desires of his charges and replace them with calmer, more moderate ideals. What would many happy citizens and trustworthy officials have become but unruly, stormy innovators and dreamers of useless dreams, if not for the effort of their schools?

In young beings there is something wild, ungovernable, uncultured which first has to be tamed. It is like a dangerous flame that has to be controlled or it will destroy. Natural man is unpredictable, opaque, dangerous, like a torrent cascading out of uncharted mountains. At the start, his soul is a jungle without paths or order. And, like a jungle, it must first be cleared and its growth thwarted. Thus it is the school's task to subdue and control man with force and make him a useful member of society, to kindle those qualities in him whose development will bring him to triumphant completion.

When Hans was struggling with depression:

No wonder that none of this helped. Every healthy person must have a goal in life and that life must have content; young Giebenrath had lost both.

He felt the desire to sink down, to fall asleep, to die, and suffered agonies because his youth itself made this impossible, clinging to life with its quiet obstinacy.

Just vibes:

It is good to suck it into your lungs with winter so near since it makes you grateful and brings back a host of memories: of the gentle May rains, summer downpours, cool morning dew in autumn, tender spring sun, blazing hot summer afternoons, the whites and rose-red blossoms and the ripe red-brown glow of fruit trees before the harvest -- everything beautiful and joyful that happens in the course of a year.

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I have another 2 books to read that I bought from Kindle: Rosshalde & The Glass Bead Game, let's see whether they are any good. Oh, and these books cost $1.99 on Kindle (hardly can find the physical copies anywhere) so, I think it is good enough. I hope it is from a reliable publishing and a good translation. 

Novels : 

• 1904 - Peter Camenzind 
• 1906 - Beneath the Wheel ✓ 
• 1910 - Gertrude 
• 1914 - Rosshalde 
• 1915 - Knulp ✓ 
• 1919 - Demian ✓ 
• 1922 - Siddhartha ✓ 
• 1927 - Steppenwolf ✓ 
• 1930 - Narcissus and Goldmund ✓
• 1932 - Journey to the East ✓ 
• 1943 - The Glass Bead Game

Run - A Week of Running Challenge

I have another 103 days left before my next half marathon. I stopped running for a while after the running event got canceled (and I booked another run in Oct). It rained so much lately that it's making me hard to plan anything. I think my last run was in May so I want to start training again to catch up.

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The only free time I have (in July-Aug) is after I send Sofi to her kindergarten in the morning on weekdays. So I'm planning on going running straight away after dropping her off. The sun might be a little too strong for my eyes and I'll probably have a migraine afterward, but let's try at least a 3 km morning run a day for a week. If I can do that, I think I'll just continue the routine throughout July and Aug. 

There are 3 challenges: the boredom of running in my area, the dogs, and the bright sunlight (+rainy days). 

But I have no other options, plus this is the only chance I have to run daily until Aug. 

A week's challenge :

• Monday: 2 km running + 5.5 km walking (no energy)
• Tuesday: 3 km running + 5 km walking (cold morning, early dawn rain, started my day with honey to boost my morning run) 
• Wednesday: Public holiday. No running, it rained the whole day
• Thursday: 2 km walking. No morning run as well, it rained the whole morning :F
• Friday: 3 km running + 4.5 km walking

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A concerning note: my weight has been slowly declining over the past 6 months - I haven't even started training yet. Early this year, it was probably around 52 kg and today I checked it is 49.1 kg slowly reaching 48 kg. It's either the weighing machine is not accurate anymore or I'm really losing weight. It's a concern because I'm already quite thin, if my weight is less than 47 kg then I'll be underweight again and will look a bit unhealthy (plus, I can't no longer donate blood). I'm not even trying to lose weight. I hope there is nothing serious behind this. 

Little Thing 268 : Mamihood

As a mother kan, I know I can't run away from having to make sacrifices in my life. 

For the past 4 years, I have been with Sofi every day. I hardly get separated from her for long. She is still so attached to me as I'm attached to her. My name is her most favorite word. Right now, I'm her favorite person and I love it. 

I accepted a job offer for a full-time position and now, we have to send her to daycare. Imagine spending more than 8 hours with someone else, and the only time we will have now is during the weekend. I always cry when I say this aloud because I hate the idea that she has so little time with me after this. I don't want to, but I had to and this is a sacrifice that I had to make. 

I asked my mom about it and she said there are sacrifices that parents need to face to survive and do remember that I already spent 4 years being with her all the time, perhaps 'it is time'. Then I cried la of course, why would my mom say that it's okay to leave my child for other people to care for and spend my time on work instead. I've waited for so long to have Sofi in my life, then suddenly I can no longer spend my days with her because we can't survive in the capitalist world without a full-time job or stable income? 

It is so frustrating.

I am still in the processing part, so there are a lot of emotions and phases to get through. But I hope we get through this fine and will adapt to the new change.

Books : The Week I Went to Bookstores and Reading on Kindle Again

I went to Bookxcess in RexKL and Eslite in Bukit Bintang yesterday. 

Bookxcess in RexKL is definitely a view worth mentioning, it is a place with beautiful mazes of books. I've never seen bookstores more beautiful than this. But, there was not even one book I felt intrigued to own. Like all books in the Bookxcess franchise, I felt like the books were mostly left-over books that didn't make it in the book industry. Except for their children's books (worth money to spend on):

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While Eslite in BB, on the other hand, got the latest and rare books in the market. You'll see the fanciest beautiful illustrative cover or the hardcover big edition or the hype titles. All start from RM 60+ to RM 80 and even more. Very expensive latest books that make you think several times to buy. The philosophy section is great and quite big. Stationaries are mostly from Japan so you'll be drooling - there is a sense of FOMO when you are in such a place. There is Porter International as well near the entrance. There was a time when buying a fiction cost me RM 32.90 (and for a twelve years old, that was really really expensive), now the price starts from RM 65+. And with my reading pace, is it even worth the money to spend? 

Anyway, my brother gifted me this because he said the colour reminds him of me and it would look great with the green clothes I constantly wear lately (and I cried inside because that was so sweet T^T) :

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I bought 2 books for $4 on my Kindle: The Glass Bead Game & Beneath the Wheel, by Hermann Hesse because I can't find the physical copies anywhere. A few more books until I khatam all his books this year.

Novels : 

• 1904 - Peter Camenzind 
• 1906 - Beneath the Wheel
• 1910 - Gertrude 
• 1914 - Rosshalde 
• 1915 - Knulp ✓ 
• 1919 - Demian ✓ 
• 1922 - Siddhartha ✓ 
• 1927 - Steppenwolf ✓ 
• 1930 - Narcissus and Goldmund ✓
• 1932 - Journey to the East ✓ 
• 1943 - The Glass Bead Game

Books : The Week I tried an app called AnyPlay

I had a free one-week trial.

The first book I decided to listen to was The Secret History by Donna Tartt - a chunky 22 hr book. The physical book is even scarier because if I want to read it, I have to find time to read more than 550 pages and in the past, I didn't have a good experience with Donna Tartt's other book - the Goldfinch (I sold the book right after I finished it because I didn't like it). 

The Goldfinch greatly impacted my perception of Donna Tartt. I avoided her books for years. Imagine spending so many hours on a book that you ended up hating kan? Such a waste of time. But I decided to give her another chance because I heard so many good remarks about The Secret History.

So the 22 hr audiobook started and I had a week to finish it up. Around 8 hours in, I realized that I haven't felt connected to any of the characters yet, I almost knew nothing about the 'charismatic classics professor' and I didn't know what these students do in class, everything was still a mystery and I was already bored. It was painfully slow.

I think after 10 hours in, a crisis happened, and the book kinda moved along the main crisis. Still nothing much about the 'elite class' or what makes them 'special' (other than they can speak & read in Latin?) - this feels like The Maidens by Alex Michealides all over again.

Then I read reviews in Goodreads and a lot of people gave 5 stars + great lengthy reviews, I don't know what I missed. Why didn't I like the book? Was it the pacing? Was it the subject? Was it the characters? Why I didn't enjoy both of Donna Tartt's lengthy novels. 

:F

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There is a genre on social media called 'dark academia' - an aesthetic and subculture that is primarily focused on higher education, the arts, calligraphy, museums, writing, reading, and shadowy classic Greek and Gothic architecture. You might see it on Tumblr or Pinterest, where people romanticize the visual look of what is seen as 'intellectual, knowledgeable, wise' - the aesthetic of it. 

And The Secret History is one of the 'dark academia' books. Okay, perhaps I'm just a bit too old for this, or maybe I just expected it more than another the Goldfinch. I don't understand the hype. So, the lesson here is don't believe everything the internet tells you. 

But,. I'm intrigue by Bable written by RF Kuang - it is as thick as The Secret History and sure, it is a considered as 'dark academia' book as well but I'm going to listen to the hype again and try it myself because I'm such a curious creature. 

Yaroslava Murashko's illustration:

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My current book update:

 The other books I consumed before the AnyPlay week :

• Tapestries of Life by Anne Sverdrup-Thygeson
• The Emotionally Exhausted Woman: Why You're Feeling Depleted and How to Get What You Need by Nancy Colier 
• Philosophy in 40 Ideas: Lessons for Life by The School of Life
• The Joys & Sorrows of Parenthood by The School of Life
• Pageboy by Elliot Page
• I Wish I Knew This Earlier: Lessons on Love by Toni Tone

Ps: I unsubscribed to Scribd because a lot of books went unavailable for a few weeks every month, leaving only books that I don't want to read/listen to.

Note: The next day, I finished reading Frankenstein by Mary Shelley - definitely a 4 stars book. By now I managed to finish reading 9 classics this year. I might be ready to read Dostoyevsky's The Double next. 

Little Stories 252 - That Tiny Grey Hair

Last weekend during Raya Haji:

While combing my hair I saw a strand of silvery hair below my right ear. I picked up my glasses, and I touched the silvery hair, it was definitely my hair, not a thread, not Awan's fur. My very first grey hair, around 2 inches long, was there for a while now perhaps waiting for me to discover it. 

I never found any grey hair before, and for me, it was my first.

Not surprised, it was bound to happen any day now considering I'm already 36. Not sad, because I'm comfortable with the idea of looking older as time passes. Not to say that I'm extremely excited, because who would get excited about your body getting older. 

But, it's just my first invite to the club and I gleefully accepted it open hands, because who would have thought I would survive this long - so for me it's a celebration of life, and I'm grateful to be here.