Little Things 263 : Depressive Mode On

 

I'm usually quite a productive person.

It's one thing that held on to, that I assume is linked to who I am as a person, one of my traits maybe. But I've been spiraling down for the past 3 months - I can't create, I can't read (as much), and I spent a lot of time being stuck in this weird limbo.

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So what should you do when you are in a challenging phase? When you are depressed, when you can't do anything because you stop feeling like you want to do anything, life is bland, you can't eat and everything feels worthless. I'm going to share some of the things that I do to accommodate this giant kaonashi until I recover.

Kaonashi is a character in Spirited Away. When they first met, Chihiro avoided him. Then Chihiro saw him again waiting under the pouring rain, and she opened the door to let kaonashi into the bathhouse. After the chaos and troubles at the bathhouse caused by him, Chihiro accepted kaonashi as her responsibility and let him follow her around for a while until Chihiro accomplished what she needed to do. In the end, kaonashi decided to stay with Zeniba, Yubaba's twin sister. No longer interested in Chihiro.

So, this depression is my kaonashi. 

I'm acknowledging him and I'm letting him follow me around for the time being.

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The things that I'm doing:

1. Acknowledge. I know this is hard to accept, but being aware of the situation is the first step in helping your mind to recover. You need to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Saying "Yes, I am depressed" is the first step, give yourself a breather, accept it T^T
2. Small goals. I try my best to tackle one thing at a time, with smaller goals to achieve so that I can collect these miniature 'goal-completed' trophies to stimulate my dopamine on daily basis. Dopamine is your achievement hormone, it's your booster, it's your caffeine, your 'kick'. I make smaller daily goals like "reading 1 chapter of a book", "listening to at least 1 sub-course in my UX studies", and "walking at least 2 km per day". Manageable smaller goals. 
3. Try writing. Ok, this is why this blog is getting its 2 posts per week this year because I'm pushing myself to sit, reflect on something and actually finish writing. 
4. Exercise. I'm also starting to exercise back again this month, after the 4 years of running hiatus. Running helps me feel joy for a while, you know, the feeling you get after 15 mins of running, when endorphins and serotonin are released in your body. If I can't run that day, I do my minimum 2 km walk at home or some yoga stretches. Anything, as long as I move. I know, it's the last thing you want to do when you are feeling low. But I've already created a running schedule and daily goal on my Notion, downloaded Strava, and make a new playlist, I look forward to clicking on the tick button every day. That's my boost for now. 
5. Get enough sleep. Well, it's Ramadhan so I sleep in early. I usually sleep in at 9.30 pm and wake up at 4.30 am. If you get sleep disturbances, exercise will help, and also avoid caffeine and processed sugar completely. 
6. Challenge yourself. Ok, I know, it is hard to even care about anything at this phase. But at this point, you only have yourself to hold on to, so you need to step up and persuade yourself to do something. Even if it is small, challenge yourself to something small, but daily like taking a cold shower early in the morning. 
7. Meditate, pray, and believe in the process. 

Oleh itu, maka (tetapkanlah kepercayaanmu) bahawa sesungguhnya tiap-tiap kesukaran disertai kemudahan. (Sekali lagi ditegaskan) bahawa sesungguhnya setiap kesukaran disertai kemudahan. 30:94  - twice mentioned. 

This is not a fun phase to be in. But I know it's normal, we will feel it perhaps several times in our lifetime because we are human with emotions. Thank God I am not stressed out about it, or worst, anxious. The mix of those turbulences would be awful. So I'm glad that I can be this much aware of my emotions, hopefully, I will recover soon. 

It's a phase, I'm just processing my emotions.

 

Note: If you are managing your depression or you've been feeling low and can't get out, go seek professional help. As for me, I have my reasons, I'm aware of this phase that I'm in because of my personal situation that I'm dealing with. So I'm accommodating this phase with the healthy tools that I know might help with my own condition.