It's been 8 days since my vertigo started. I've been to 3 physiotherapy sessions in a week and I've healed from my neck and shoulder strain. But not vertigo, not the spinning sensation, not the imbalance world within every move.
It is definitely frustrating, if it weren't for my experience throughout 2021, I would definitely whine and be more stressed out about this. I can't run, I can't even walk properly. I entered a 10km virtual run (because I want all the merchandizes I designed) but I can't even run. I've already walked 6 km for the run all while I was having light vertigo. Can you imagine that? No, of course, you can't.
I told my physiotherapist: "I use to run a lot, I ran, I do yoga, I'm fairly an active person. Now I can't even walk properly". This year was supposed to be the year I started running for fun again, the year I take a yoga license. But I couldn't do any of that. I've been sick on and off throughout the year.
One thing I have to learn to let go of is the belief that I can do anything. Time is very limited, and sometimes our stories are written in a way that we don't really want to happen. I definitely do NOT want to be sick and fragile, but I am, right now. I had to let go of certain things at this moment. I learn not to hold on too much to goals, but only focus on the stories and the lessons.
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I stopped running in events because I feel like I'd been trying to catch something at the finish line just to prove something to myself. I've come to this realization when I was training for my half-marathon and I ran 10 km every day - but without the crowds, without the medals, without the cheers, and I felt fine. I thought "oh so this is what a 10 km run should really feel like, uneventful and plain".
After my 2 half-marathons, I decided to stop running in events because I know. I know I can run, I can train for a marathon, and spend my days doing rigorous training, I know I can because I'm a very strong-willed and goal-oriented person. If I can learn to do 5km, 10km, and 21km, I know what I needed to do for a marathon. That is not my purpose to start running (at least not in events). I loved running, but I didn't feel fulfilled after the goals were reached, I just pushed for more goals - and boy, I love goals (look at how much I read every year).
And so I stopped running in events.
But I still love moving, and I realized that I love walking and hiking more. I told Af that I really really would want to walk. I want a long walk, a really really long walk. I don't want a marathon, I don't want another run with the crowds. I didn't need the numbers telling me whether I can reach them or not. But I still want to move. I want a long walk, from one city to another city, to the countryside and the forest, alongside the beach and the silence of the old villages.
I don't really want to run anymore, but I want to have long walks. The ones that I spend the whole day just walking, the ones that make me wish for home, the ones that make my feet hurt, the ones that make me question my existence and the meaning of the world, I want to spend the nights scrapping off the muscle tensions for the next day, and I want to write.
That's what I want, for now.
For the past 4 years since I stopped running in events.
I just want something uneventful, just a really long walk and to write.
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Image : https://unsplash.com/@enioku
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