Little Story 242 : A Broken Toe

I slipped on a wet tiles when I wanted to close the window. It was raining heavily and I didn't noticed the puddle of water. So I slipped and my right foot hit straight to the wall, I didn't fell down, saved by the wall but I heard the 'pop' and the intense pain from my pinky toe crawled fast to my calf and thigh right after. I don't usually curse, but that pain is the kind of pain that make you curse over and over again.

My pinky toe was red, and it looked a bit farther than it normally located.

"I think I dislocated my toe".

The pain was unbearable, so I decided to go to a clinic to get it checked but it was after 5pm and so the x-ray station (at the nearest clinic we could find) was closed for the day.

The next day, I went to the same clinic and got an xray :

"You broke your pinky toe, and there's nothing on my part that I can do. So I'll write a referral letter and you can go to the hospital for further process". The doctor did a simple splint on my toe.

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Here's the long process in summary :

• I went to Hospital Serdang, and the orthopaedic clinic was closed for Thaipusam
• I went again on the next day. The orthopaedic clinic sent me to ER
• At the ER, I was x-rayed again. The doctor that checked me sent me to the ortho again with a referral letter, and some pain-killers. 
• I went to the ortho clinic and only got a date for a checkup, 10 days later. On that day alone, I walked 3 km in total with a broken toe.
• The next day, my stepmom brought me to Az-Zahrah Hospital in Bangi. The doctor was only available for a consultation because it was almost the Friday prayer time. 
• During the consultation, he said that if I want to proceed with him, I can come in the next Monday to get it casted. He told me the price (around RM 350 per cast), then told be about 3 months MC, about recast every 10 days or so, explained that my fracture was clean and simple, only need to immobilize my foot to let the broken toe heal.
• The consultation was a bit packed and messy (maybe because I came in the wrong time).
• But even though I have insurance to cover the process, I decided to just proceed with Hospital Serdang because I didn't quite like the doctor and my family suggested me to just go to Hospital Serdang instead.
• On the 9th day, I went to get my Covid booster shot.
• I survived a broken toe with a simple splint made by the doctor from the first clinic.
• On the 10th day, I went to Hospital Serdang. I waited around 4 hours, to get a consult, only to be told to get my pinky toe 'buddy-splinted' and let it heal itself over time.

Sure the whole process at Hospital Serdang only costed RM 1, but I wasted at least 3 days walking to and fro, walked a lot alone, super slowly in pain (I can ask for a wheel chair but it was really awkward to handle the wheelchair myself so I just walked). Then I had to wait for 10 days, 4 hours of waiting just to get a 'buddy-splint' and a 5 mins consult. 

Why couldn't they just do so on the first day I meet the doctor? I just don't understand.  

The left one is when the doctor put a splint beneath my foot, did a simple buddy-splint and wrapped it. The right one is after I got a proper buddy-splint toes :

After I got my toe buddy-splinted, I was in more pain than before. So I had to make an adjustment. I  put a hard long board beneath the toe so that it won't bend, and wrapped the broken to next to my 4th four as a double splint. Then I wore my hardest flat sandal so that my foot won't bend at all when I walk. 

The 'buddy-splint' alone wasn't enough, because I still need to walk at home. I was taking care of Sofi and need to do the cooking. I think a recovery walking boot will help my foot tremendously because it will immobilize my whole foot and so a proper healing can happen faster. But I don't want to buy something that I will only use for a month :F 

So at this moment, I'm just hoping it will still heal somewhat faster. Honestly 6 weeks is a bit too much and I really need my morning walks. But I really want it to heal properly to avoid osteoarthritis due to improper healing. We all know how my body isn't really in good shape lately, I don't want any more physical pain to add in the future and I really want to do a walking pilgrimage one day.  

Remember I posted a post on IG asking for a pain-free 2022 ? 

Well, I started the year with a broken toe. 

Little Thing 251 : My Ergonomic Setup

In Oct, after 4 sessions with a chiropractor and physical pain coming repeatedly every so often in the past 3 months, I decided to improve my working space *also by my chiropractor's recommendation*. He said that my working habit is possibly my main reason for the repeating problem, plus perhaps my sedentary lifestyle.

Maybe my posture while working is bad, or when I work, I work non-stop for several hours, or everything while I'm working is wrong because the pain gets worst especially when I work. Although I studied the principle of ergonomic while I was a student and I remember those rules, I never really put that much thought on it because things were fine. Of course it is fine, until it is not. 

10 years after my bad working habit, I now started having obvious outcome from it. The infamous neck strain, shoulder pain and lower back pain. 

Anyway, I had to do something. 

This huge buying decision came from my condition after several months in pain and the Samsung project's balance payment that came early in September. If it is not from these 2 reasons, I might still be working in my original working desk and old worn-off working chair. I would like to mention this, because I don't really like unnecessary buying and I hope everyone would consider twice before purchasing something :)

1. The Anew Smart Desk - I preordered this early in Oct and waited almost 3 months for it to arrive. By preordering this, I get it for a promotional price + premium desk mat + anti-fatigue mat. 

I think I needed a smart desk because my back pain get worst when I sit, so standing up while doing some of other works like packing or admin works might help taking the load off my back.

Note : I paid using Atome - split the payment into 3 payments without interest.

Here's how my new working space :

2. Sunon x Apex ergonomic chair - it got adjustable armrest + head rest, 3 locking back function with lumbar support and also height adjustment. Supposedly everything a good ergonomical chair would be. I also added a 100% latex lumbar back pillow to support my back because I am generally a small person in a medium-sized chair and the space between my back and the chair isn't good for my back :F

Note : My chiropractor reminded me about having a good back support - I thought good sitting posture is enough, but no, he said it is important to have a good posture and support because having no support means your body is still working hard to maintain the good posture. 

3. iPad wooden stand - I am having second thought about using this wooden stand as my iPad stand while drawing. It is uncomfortable, but it is helpful because I don't have to bend so much while working on my ipad. It is supposed to reduce the pressure on my neck but maybe I need to do some adjustment to it.

I haven't decided on recommending this yet. 

4. Monitor Stand by Fine Grit Studio - I bought it on their Shopee with 20% discount. It is solid rubber wood, love the natural finishing, visually appealing and it is very sturdy. This helped me reduce my neck pain and made my table now look so organized :

5. Wireless keyboard by Logitech and extended Monitor by Armageddon - I needed wireless keyboard because I'm using extended monitor. I totally forgot about Af's Apple keyboard when I made this purchase.

The extended monitor were bought early in 2021 when I was working with the startup in Singapore. The original monitor was white, but it was faulty last Dec so I returned it to them and received a totally new monitor 2 weeks after I returned it. I am finally using the extended monitor for its original use (thank God for the 1 year warranty).

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Little Story 241 : Surviving Sofi's first Flu

Sofi had her first viral flu - her first cold and cough. The last time she had fever was more than a year ago. We aren't fully equipped in managing Sofi while she's sick because she hardly fall sick (Alhamdulillah), so it is expected for me to deal with this with anxiousness and worries. She's 2.5 years old and we are so glad that it took this long for it to happen (I've been anxiously waiting for the time). She needed her body to react and create antibodies for the future :F

She was weak at times and active when the medicine kicked in. She was fussy, clingy and very picky when it came to her food intake, but she still drank her milk. We fed medicine through her milk and yogurt - it was not ideal but at least she won't throw up.

There were nights when we hardly sleep and I was in alert mode, catering to her needs and uncomfortableness. The night when her nose was stuffy and she can't breathe. When we can hear her fighting over her phlegm and fever. 

On day 4 of her fever, we went to the doctor, got her blood and covid test, got cleared from dengue, covid or bacterial infection. So the doctor said it was most probably a viral infection.

What helps other than her medicine :

• Kool fever baby (refreshing mint) - to help her breathe and reduce the heat
• Nasal spray (Sterimar Baby) - to unclog her nose
• Nose aspirator - haven't used it yet, at this moment the nasal spray helps a lot
• Essential Oil (Eucalyptus, peppermint, lemon, tea tree) - to diffuse throughout the day
• Vicks Baby Balsam (the pink one) - also to help her breathe
• Small napkins (a lot of them) - to use for snot and what not, wash daily

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It took 6 days for the on-off fever to go away and today is day 11 of her cold and cough. 

She is still on medication (twice daily), I'm still using the nasal spray twice daily to help her unclog her nose and I gave her honey when she cough too bad. 

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Our go-to children clinic is Klinik As-Salam in Bangi (24 hours).

First visit : RM 164 - Consultation, medication, blood and Covid test.

Second visit : RM 96 - Sofi's fever spiked to 38.9 °C at 3 am , so we went straight to the clinic, doctor inserted suppository (anal paracetamol). I also bought the nasal spray and aspirator there.

There is no clinic more friendly, more welcoming than Klinik As-Salam, in handling worried parents after midnight. I went here twice after midnight and I'm always thankful for their hospitality. 

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She hates to cough so much because it made her puke and so she always restrains herself from coughing by clenching her teeth. It is odd and uncomfortable to see her so determine to not cough, we can hear her breathing through her phlegm. So I always tell her that it is okay to cough it out, and it is okay to puke. We are still using the nasal spray to help dissolve thick mucus. She only refused to get her nose sprayed during the first 2 days, then later she seems like she enjoyed it (like a game).

Here are all the random toys I bought to bribe or calm her when we had to go to the clinic, or asked her to try the medicine, or when she puked all over. 

Little Things 250 : Let's Embrace Our Nerdiness - My Book Club

> My Book club <

Here I share my thoughts on books that I consume (sometimes with spoilers so read at your own risk). This year I'm trying to make a habit of taking some time to write my thoughts on the books that I read or listen, to practice honing and expressing my personal views. 

For years I stopped thinking critically about people's creation in respecting 'the work of written art' but I realized that in doing so, I stop thinking critically all together. So I would like to change that. I got this idea from : Jordan Peterson's - The Best Way To Learn Critical Thinking. What he said was in order to teach yourself to think critically, you need to write. Writing helps you to think. We need to learn to be articulate, so we can express our thoughts better and improve our thinking.

I will edit these posts from time to time, depending on whether I have something to say after thinking about it more, or finding errors or change in opinion.

I'm using Notion for this book club, I'm not sure how it works when it is shared on web yet, but I made it possible for you to write comment as well. So if you have some thoughts on these books, please do share. I want us to be nerds together. 

Here is the link again : My Book club. This year I will read more fiction.

Note : These are all personal views, I usually think my personal views don't matter to the internet. But in this sharing session, I would like to just pour my personal thoughts out to try to be a better thinker. That's it. It is okay to agree to disagree and all the writings are not final. 

Little Things 249 : End of the Year 2021

Here's a 2021 compilation :

1. Summary on my mental + physical condition :

It took 6 weeks, 4 physiotherapy + 1 chirotherapy session, countless Brandt-Daroff exercises and Epley maneuvers for me to recover from the vertigo. Even now, I can't promise that I won't wake up one day with the world spinning in my eyes. 

I can already feel the pressure builds up along my neck and shoulder just days after I got back from 3 weeks stay at my mom's last weekend. I try to scrape it off every day but it is still there. My standing table just arrived yesterday and we took an hour to install it. My laptop is already as high as my eye level so I don't have to put pressure on my neck anymore. I got myself a totally new 24 inch monitor because it was still under warranty (bought a monitor early this year). It isn't white as I originally bought but it is 3 inches bigger. Here is my current standing desk setup :

I don't know what else can I do to avoid this repeating pain to come. We are still having our morning walks (which is my most favorite part of my day). We found so many new hidden paths for us in Putrajaya and it is the most rewarding thing in 2021 :

2021 is the year I found myself in a lot of mental and physical challenges. I was diagnosed with anxiety early this year and that took around 6 months of my life, and then I had chronic pain due to either my back, or my neck and shoulder, the migraine and yes, the latest one is vertigo. These are all connected, when I'm anxious, my muscle tense up and it leads to more injuries on my physical body. Surprisingly, even if I don't really feel anxious, I'm still prone to high-stress (not really sure why) and those stress also leads to more physical pain. This is a brutal cycle for me :F

I would really love to train for a long walk and yoga back again, and I hope 2022 is more welcoming. 

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2. On books :

Honestly I've been trying to spend more time finishing up books. I'm still a little bit obsessive about the amount of books that I consume every year, and this year I manage to finish around 55 books. 

• Most memorable fiction is : People in the Trees by Hanya Yanagihara
• Most memorable non-fiction is : Mark Manson's The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and Everything is F*cked (because it is relatable when I was dealing with anxiety)
• Most memorable writer is Thich Nhat Hanh

I also bought a kindle so that I will have an access to any books that I want - I don't have to solely rely on preloved or borrowed books. I have a lot of books that I want to read but harder to get (because they are new or rare, and I don't want any physical books to keep anymore except for some that I still collect : Haruki Murakami or Carlos Ruiz Zafon's).

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3. On finance :

On lighter mode : I finished paying off my student loan :D

But at the same time I've been using up my epf saving twice during the pandemic because I've been sick a lot and it's harder to work when I'm sick. 

Everything is possible when you have the time and energy. I learned that rezeki comes in many ways; a good health, a strong body, an unrelentless mind, time, peace, not just money. I always thought that I can work as long as I want and money will come along eventually but then this year I was sick a lot. When I can't work, nothing seems possible. I've been creating this person that I am today surrounded with the possibilities to work in many ways, I was a workaholic for 10 years. Then 2021 happened.

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4. On career :

Still a full-time freelancer :D The fifth-year so far.

This year I worked with Mylaksa, IPC Shopping Center, and NOKO Malaysia. I also ended the contract with Samsung and refused to extend the new contract for 2021 because of an 'issue'. 

2021 social media collaboration : Sudio Sweden, Uniqlo Malaysia, Cadbury ZIP and Gaston Luga.

Me as an illustrator, I just compiled a long 2021 post on my Behance here. 

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5. On Sofi :

Sofi is currently 2 years and 5 months old and she is speech-delayed. She's healthy, she's very physical, smart and needy. She loves transportation, her current favorite is an excavator. She knows how to differentiate between her toy bus, train, taxi, police car, van and fire-truck (this was from our recent first visit to Family Mart with her, she refused to let go of the toy set and we had to buy it for her =.=). 

Her current favorite channel is Blippi (which I don't understand the hype at all, Blippy is so 'silly').

Words she can say (not including animal sounds): 

• yaya : Ayah
• dok : Dog
• ka : Cat
• kak (with a sign) : Buka
• no : No
• buh : Blue
• bo : Ball
• pak : Park
• chuchu : Train
• yeay : Yes
• bok : Book

She wouldn't talk when prompted, she never really imitate as well, and she never called me "mommy" even once, yet. She's at the age that is supposed to be able to say around 50-100 words, we will send her to be checked next year. 

She's healthy and hardly ever get sick, so I'm really grateful for this. 

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I'll officially be reaching mid 30s next week. 

Still processing how 10 years passed in a blink of an eye :F I do feel like I aged a lot these past few years (maybe due to the pandemic and parenting). 

Hopeful New Year 2022 ★

Little Story 240 : Kindle 10th gen

I bought myself an early birthday present. I've been wanting an e-book reader for awhile, probably along the time when I stopped buying physical books. 

I loooove books and I read a lot. But buying physical books means I have more things in my home but I don't want to collect things. I am also a bit sad to see my unread books on shelves getting older. No one else in my family reads, so I don't really want to keep more books than I intended to. 

The saddest part of "not wanting to keep more physical books" is I can't buy books. I missed a lot of 'new releases' since then.

Here's my ereader :

If I don't buy books, how did I manage to still read ?

1) Since I decided to stop collecting books, I started subscribing to Scribd. For $8.99 per month, I have an unlimited access to their digital and audio books. That's when I started consuming so many books per year, because I can listen to it whenever I want. I consume more books by listening but less book by reading. I don't read on my iPad.

2) I buy preloved books. This is a challenge. I always use Carousell for this. It is very challenging to find books that "I want" during that time instead of books that people no longer want. There are also so many people that sell reprinted books or what I call "pirated books", and I don't support that. I rather buy old books than reprinted books because I don't really want to support the book-piracy industry.

3) I borrow from people. Unfortunately, I don't have that many friends who read (or worse, I don't really have that many friends). I always ask in my IG stories when I want to borrow certain books, but I hardly receive replies. 

4) I wish to find more local libraries (but probably after Covid)

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I finally decided to just buy the kindle when I was stuck at my mom's in Nilai last week (after I finished People in the Trees) and I had nothing new to read, so I decided to go to Aeon Nilai to check-out their 'Popular' bookstore and found only 1 row of English books and only 1 of it was fiction. Imagine that. I was disappointed. I was so happy for finishing a good fiction and I wanted the same energy to boost my next read but I found none. So I went back home, spent 2 days reasoning with myself, asked Af and Aja, then I finally ordered it from Kindle Malaysia and got it in less than 3 days. 

I've been admiring my small library for awhile. I can now travel with more books than 3. Yes, it doesn't feel as good as a physical book, it doesn't have a certain 'smell', it can't keep memories (you know, how we can create a visual memory of each book that we read - who bought it for you, what happened when you read it, where did it travel with you, etc. But it is good enough.

• Small and light
• Built-in dictionary
• Use less battery
• Built-in book store 
• Bring a library anywhere
• No glare

The link to Kindle.Malaysia's shopee.

I haven't bought my first ebook yet. Still haven't decided on which ebook to mark my first starting on a journey :F

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So my birthday is coming very soon, I'm turning 35 !

Here's a link to Amazon eGift Card and here's my email : azreen0301@gmail.com :D This is your call to be a book elf this new year and sprinkle some book dust magic to me so that I can buy more books in 2022, yeay!

My sister was worried about the review of the egift card so I made my first trial purchase and it worked just fine. Bought the egift card, received an email, got a link, added it into my acc balance on Amazon :

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Note : Quite excited for this purchase, been having book-fasting purchase for years :F Now I can still read from my old-time favorite writers: Mitch Albom, Jodi Picoult, Elif Shafak, etc without having to keep the physical copies. I don't have to worry about who is going to manage my home library when I'm gone. 

Little Things 248 : Being Unwell

 

For my lower back, neck and shoulder problem (since Aug 2021):

1. I had 5 sessions with a chiropractor, Dr Samson at Elite Spine - we did adjustments and acupressure. Mostly around 30 - 45 minutes per session. RM 130 per session.  
2. I had 3 sessions with a physiotherapist, Maisarah at PhysioCare (and 2 more sessions scheduled after Dec) - we tried heat treatment, massage, scrapping, acupressure, acupuncture, dry cupping, and physiotherapy. 1 hour session per treatment. I paid for RM 525 for 5 sessions.

I spent a lot of money this year for my physical and mental health. I bought new mattress and pillow, new ergonomic work setup, massage and working out equipments, supplements for recovery and healthy food choice. It has been an eye-opening experience, being unwell. 

I stayed at my mom's a lot since the border restriction was lifted, so Ma can finally meet Sofi every waking hours. We also walked almost every day outdoor. I am a changed person, I became closer to my family, I learned to ask for help, to show vulnerability, I choose not to suffer alone. I let got of my work, I turn off Patreon's monthly rewards and stopped social media when I needed. I also read a lot, thrifted a lot, borrowed a lot (but reading has always been my ultimate activity, so no surprise there).

Being unwell is a humbling experience. I had walked through the 5 stages (of grief) : the denial, the anger, the bargaining, the depression and the acceptance. Sometimes I am at the first stage back, especially when it started to get really painful again. Sometimes I just go along with the situation, like when having a vertigo while walking outdoor and it felt like walking on clouds, having to play a game of balancing (in this situation, vertigo isn't painful just very inconvenient depending on how bad it is). 

At this point, we have accepted 'the situation' and adapting to it. So we are no longer searching for a full-time job (I've been a freelancer for the past 5 years so this isn't new to me), but Af isn't so he needs to find his work-rhythm because there are times when I am too unwell to do anything but sit/lie down. So we had to be prepared for it. 

Ah well, this is what it is. 

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Note : At times like this, I am so grateful for the work rezeki that I've been having, because I keep on getting 1 big project at a time, I only need to work at least a full week in every month and the payment would be enough for at least 1.5 months. It is a huge advantage for me because I am often too unwell to work even though I wanted to. Thank you Allah.  

2nd note : I've been reading Hanya Yanagihara's debut novel : People in the Trees and it is an engaging read :F I haven't read that much good fiction lately - and so finding this is a like picking up a full caramelized popcorn in the dark while watching movie (if you like caramelized popcorn). I'm happy I started reading her book to close up my 2021 reading challenge.

I hope you are well. 

- image : https://unsplash.com/@8moments

Little Story 239 : Why I Stopped Running

It's been 8 days since my vertigo started. I've been to 3 physiotherapy sessions in a week and I've healed from my neck and shoulder strain. But not vertigo, not the spinning sensation, not the imbalance world within every move.

It is definitely frustrating, if it weren't for my experience throughout 2021, I would definitely whine and be more stressed out about this. I can't run, I can't even walk properly. I entered a 10km virtual run (because I want all the merchandizes I designed) but I can't even run. I've already walked 6 km for the run all while I was having light vertigo. Can you imagine that? No, of course, you can't.

I told my physiotherapist: "I use to run a lot, I ran, I do yoga, I'm fairly an active person. Now I can't even walk properly". This year was supposed to be the year I started running for fun again, the year I take a yoga license. But I couldn't do any of that. I've been sick on and off throughout the year. 

One thing I have to learn to let go of is the belief that I can do anything. Time is very limited, and sometimes our stories are written in a way that we don't really want to happen. I definitely do NOT want to be sick and fragile, but I am, right now. I had to let go of certain things at this moment. I learn not to hold on too much to goals, but only focus on the stories and the lessons. 

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I stopped running in events because I feel like I'd been trying to catch something at the finish line just to prove something to myself. I've come to this realization when I was training for my half-marathon and I ran 10 km every day - but without the crowds, without the medals, without the cheers, and I felt fine. I thought "oh so this is what a 10 km run should really feel like, uneventful and plain". 

After my 2 half-marathons, I decided to stop running in events because I know. I know I can run, I can train for a marathon, and spend my days doing rigorous training, I know I can because I'm a very strong-willed and goal-oriented person. If I can learn to do 5km, 10km, and 21km, I know what I needed to do for a marathon. That is not my purpose to start running (at least not in events). I loved running, but I didn't feel fulfilled after the goals were reached, I just pushed for more goals - and boy, I love goals (look at how much I read every year). 

And so I stopped running in events. 

But I still love moving, and I realized that I love walking and hiking more. I told Af that I really really would want to walk. I want a long walk, a really really long walk. I don't want a marathon, I don't want another run with the crowds. I didn't need the numbers telling me whether I can reach them or not. But I still want to move. I want a long walk, from one city to another city, to the countryside and the forest, alongside the beach and the silence of the old villages. 

I don't really want to run anymore, but I want to have long walks. The ones that I spend the whole day just walking, the ones that make me wish for home, the ones that make my feet hurt, the ones that make me question my existence and the meaning of the world, I want to spend the nights scrapping off the muscle tensions for the next day, and I want to write. 

That's what I want, for now. 

For the past 4 years since I stopped running in events. 

I just want something uneventful, just a really long walk and to write. 

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Image : https://unsplash.com/@enioku

Little Story 238 : Connecting The Dots

Early this week I woke up with a vertigo. I've been feeling tense around my shoulder and neck for several days, but I didn't expect it to lead to another cervical vertigo (the last one I had was in August). I woke up early, couldn't shake the spinning off, walked miserably to my desk and Googled my chiropractic center's information online. Unfortunately it is closed every Monday. 

I was desperate, again. 

A vertigo made me unable to perform anything, because everything is a roller-coaster ride. I was spinning all the time. I Googled other possible centre and I found one physiotherapy centre that can also help with neck and shoulder problem to release the muscle stress. At 6 am, I texted the centre and booked for an appointment.

Let me tell you again, I am an anxious person especially since I become a mother. It is ridiculous how my mind can do this to my whole body. I realised that everything that happened to me internally, will always find a way to be shown on my physical body. I just can't seem to cover anything up, it's almost ridiculous. 

One incident, during the post-partum phase, I was so stressed out and was struggling to adapt. My body reacted badly and developed a really bad hives. My whole body was red, itchy and swollen all over. The doctor couldn't do anything, none of the allergic medication could help me, I just had to force my mind to calm down.

Every time I'm stressed out on something, I will have either back pain, shoulder and neck pain, migraine, vertigo, pimples, anxiety symptoms : bloatedness, nauseous, etc.

Can you imagine how much I suffered physically during this pandemic ?

I can't lie. My mind can't lie.

"Oh no, your body, is too tense. Not only your shoulder and neck, even to your whole back", the physiotherapist told me. 

"Do you have anxiety?".

"I can tell just by feeling your back muscle, it's too tense. Did something triggers your anxiety lately?".

And here I thought I've been managing my anxiety nicely these past few months because I don't have the anxiety symptoms. No more heart beat randomly fast, cold sweat, nervousness, bloatedness, nauseousness, shaking, etc.  

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During this physiotherapy treatment, I've had my body scrapped, massaged (+ acupressure), cupped (bekam) and we did the epley maneuver for the vertigo treatment. It was a hard work compared to my chiro session. I went back feeling sore for the first 3 days. It was painful, not the sharp pain like having a muscle strain but just a really strong soreness alongside my shoulder blade and behind my neck (where she mentioned there was so many muscle knots she tried to release).

On my 4th day, the vertigo and soreness slowly calmed down. 

But I have another follow-up session, which is today, the 4th day. 

Note : I feel like I've been managing my anxiety and stress well lately. Especially since we've been going out for a walk/run almost every morning since September (except on weekend). But maybe not 'that' well. Sometimes we can't really see what we are feeling inside especially when you try so hard to be ok, to not worry so much, to just calm our mind down and you feel ok, but our body doesn't lie. 

Oh well, this is my life at this moment in time. I'm too worried about the state of the world, it is taking a toll on my body. I wish I can learn to be peace with it, but I guess I'm having a hard time learning about that. But honestly compared to earlier this year when I first diagnosed with anxiety, that was a really tough time. 

This, is manageable. This, is a learning process. This is just a higher ladder a bit too tough to climb when my body is too sore from the pandemic. This is just a marathon when my body isn't well-trained. It is still manageable, but just a bit tough. 

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Image : unsplash : Hannah Reding

Books - It's end of 2021 and I read more than 50 books this year

Image by Florencia Viadana, Unsplash

> Here is my 2021 book list on Goodreads. <

I read and listened to more than 50 books in 2021 but, I didn't find a lot of books among them that I would recommend to people. To be honest, half of my 2021 were spent on safe-non-triggering books because of my anxiety. My book journey started probably after August more than half a year spent on healing mentally.

• I found Thich Nhat Hanh really soothing for my soul. His ideas on the world and his teachings are really helpful. I enjoyed his books very much. 
• I also listened to 2 of Sally Rooney's books but I found it mediocre, so I didn't understand the hype (but then, I always watched much younger Booktuber's book reviews so that maybe that's why). 
• By the end of 2021, my anxiety are manageable and no longer a day-to-day problem, so I decided to go on a much heavier topics so I started to read books on philosophical and classic literature. I just read The Sailor Who Fell From Grace With The Sea by Yukio Mishima , The Dream of a Ridiculous Man by Fyodor Dostoevsky, and Peace of Mind by Seneca. Currently I'm reading Dostoevsky's The Notes from Underground and rereading Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse. I managed to buy a bunch of classic literature and philosophical literature from one of my IG follower that turned into a friend :D
• I didnt read a lot of fiction this year, but Klara and the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro and Rumaan Alam's Leave the World Behind make me stop and think for awhile. For me, it is not a mind-blowing great books of the year but books that still lingers in my mind even after awhile. 

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Books to read when I'm anxious : 

• Any books by Thich Nhat Hanh
• Everything is Fucked by Mark Manson

Preparing for a rural life :

• The Rural Diaries by Hilarie Burton 
• Twelve by Twelve & New Slow City by William Powers
• Journal of a Solitude by May Sarton

Parenting :

• Bringing up bebe by Pamela Druckerman
• Achtung Baby by Sara Zaske

Beautifully written : 

• Stopped on the way Home by Meg Fee 
• Klara & the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro
• People in the Trees by Hanya Yanagihara

Super boring read :

• Bridge of Clay by Markus Zusak
• The World According to Anna by Jostein Gaardner 

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Note : I first wrote this when I woke up from a 5-hours sleep at 3 am and I couldn't go back to sleep even after an hour of toss and turn. I made a hot milo and added soy protein to it because I was hungry and I didn't ate dinner the night before. I decided to write something on my blog but I only can write about books and writers.