Written in mid Feb :
At this point, I could even say that I don't care about not coming back. Every day was a struggle and I keep on telling myself that I can actually do it. Of course I can, it was just a set of mind, the way we taught our mind to believe in what we want to believe in.
I tried, I really did. But the thing is for the whole couple of months, I was depressed, my mind wasn't at peace with myself and I keep on asking why I'm doing this to myself? Is it for the money? Or experience? Or just to prove myself that I can actually do it? So I'm letting myself feel awful most of the time - that I was even dragging Af in my small drama every day.
I knew that I had to do something, I needed to find solutions, a way to solve the problem instead of bitching about it and letting it eat myself from the inside. So I used the most professional way possible; by discussing about it with my supervisor. I gave 2 choices : 1. Give me an intern/fresh grads to help me with stuffs, because from what I can see, I'm not capable to entertain the group of more than 20 people, or, 2. Let me go and please hire 2 more junior designers to replace my position. I didn't heard from them back until the later week.
In weeks ahead after the discussion, I was still struggling with work and the state of my emotion. I wasn't in the same page with some of my supervisors. We just didn't get along and we kept on arguing, he kept on blaming me for little things and telling me that what I do is 'not enough'. I went back home with the deepest pain everyday - you can't imagine. This is the worst working environment I've ever been in.
Two weeks ago, they called me in for a discussion regarding things that I mentioned. This time, they gave me 2 options to choose from : 1. Still work with them, with another designer, but cut half of my salary because they don't have the budget, or, 2. Leave by choice.
I didn't even reconsider to get my salary cut by half, and I told them that I chose option 2. I wanted to leave in 2 weeks, as soon as possible. I had it enough. I didn't want to see their faces. They bring out the worst in me and I don't feel comfortable with feeling awful every day.
By now, I've been staying at home since the early March. I resigned by choice, I completed my proud baby : branding before my last day at the startup. We've come to a mutual understanding that they choose to hire junior designer, save the budget and I can go my way after passing it down to the next designer. I really want them to succeed.
It was a really great experience for me, in creating such a huge project by myself in mere 4 months. I succeeded but I was in whole worst emotional state - which thought me a thing or two about working under-pressure. I haven't told my family yet - *especially Ma. | My brother might read this if he got the patience to read the whole page and learn that I'm now a full-time freelance designer + illustrator - but please don't tell Ma yet, I'm going to do that myself tomorrow night during our makan2 session. |
I have backup money for another 2-3 months before I start to work full time with a stable company again. For now, I'm finishing up all my freelance works and personal independent projects that I've been wanting to work on.
Note : The stress level balanced, I go out for a jogging 3-5 times a week, I'm cooking for my husband every day, and I'm doing all the illustration works I want to do all day long. The main disadvantage is I no longer have a stable monthly income. But, hurraaah !