Note : I'm not getting any commission when you use this promo code AZR15 , the promo code is just made for you to use okay :)
Note : I'm not getting any commission when you use this promo code AZR15 , the promo code is just made for you to use okay :)
I found out the reason of my sickness in mid-Jan and early March. It was due to the physical symptoms of anxiety. Yes, my friend, those bad incidents were due to anxiety.
So after my 2nd 'episode' in March, I did a full body checkup. I was fully convinced that something was wrong with my body. But apparently, nothing was wrong, the doctor said that my organs are functioning well, everything was fine except for a little spike in my cholesterol level (he suggested that we change our diet and lifestyle). I told the doctor about all my physical symptoms. But from the long health report, everything was fine. So next was my mental health. The doctor wrote a referral letter and suggested me to go to Psychiatrist Department in Serdang Hospital.
I went to the Serdang Hospital the next day to get a date for my appointment but the man at the counter read my referral letter and suggested me to get a referral letter from KK instead. So I went to KK on the same morning, booked for an entrance for that afternoon, got in and I had to do an online DASS (Depression-Anxiety-Stress Scale) test and yes, my result was 'extreme anxiety' and 'medium stress' - no depression. The doctor wrote me another referral letter, I went to the Serdang Hospital again and got my appointment date in April (a month from that day).
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I did a lot of research after that. I educate myself about anxiety, the physical symptoms, the science behind it, what I should and should not do, how to manage the attacks, how to survive it, the moral support, etc.
I might not be aware of how stressed I was for the whole year since covid, surviving financially, working while taking care of Sofi, trying to juggle everything, worried about the world, perhaps I didn't listened to my mind and keep on pushing myself. Maybe I've been struggling to keep up and the way that I manage my stress isn't that healthy. I'm not sure because I never noticed how stressed out or anxious I was all this time.
Soon after my unofficial diagnose and my awareness of the anxiety, my physical symptoms slowly stopped and recovered. But I started becoming anxious and jittery, every day. There are good days and there are not so good day. I struggled every day. I can't seem to focus, I became restless.
I am so insecure. This is not who I normally is, I think of myself as a strong-willed person, or so I thought.
These are new feelings for me.
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Anyway, moving forward, a month passed. My appointment was on Monday this week. I waited 3 hours for my turn, I read many chapters of the book that I brought. Then I finally met the doctor, told my story and she suggested me to take a medication. But I asked for another option other than medication.
She said another option is a counselling, how to cope with anxiety. She said I could try that for 2 months and see how it goes. She doesn't really say 'therapy', but she called it a counselling session. I am not sure what's the difference. So next week, I'll have my first counselling session in a different department.
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I am now living with anxiety.
I really hope I can recover fully. I love my clear mind, I think that was my strongest suit, but this anxiety has clouded all the things I love about thinking.
I fell sick again, today is the 10th day and I finally can walk and sit at my desk.
I've been bedridden for a week, feeling awful, feeling so weak I couldn't talk or eat solid food. I was just so weak. I cried during those hard times, when I was just laying down on my bed and couldn't think of anything other than feeling really exhausted. This isn't a normal exhaustion that will go away when I rest, it is just there, exhaustion, can't even think about anything. Everything was clouded by this.
Af helped me during these hard times, he did everything around the house (while working full time). He cooked, cleaned up the house, took care of Sofi and me. Everything. We brought his computer and desk to our bedroom so that I won't be alone all the time.
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My other symptoms are : heart palpitation, laboured breathing, hands shaking, feeling cold, bloated and nauseous.
This is the continuation of the last incident in January. But we knew what was happening this time and we knew what to do. I started back on my recovery meals. Tried to consume everything good from the nature. Trying to survive feeling awful. Scared most of the time because my body wasn't cooperating.
I am setting up for a full body checkup this weekend.
I hope it is nothing serious, or at least get an answer to all these.
It is important to have a strong support system.
I feel like this is one of the bad side of being physically healthy almost all my life, I took my health and time for granted. I thought I don't really need a strong support system.
But when I fall sick, Af had to focus on taking care of Sofi and I was put on quarantine alone in different room. I was sick to the point that I can't do anything. We had to ask for my brother and his friend, we also had to contact my dad and stepmom for help as well (because they live near our house).
They took care of everything. Brought me to the hospital, bought groceries, prepared recovery meals, advised me on stuffs. My mom and other siblings send us foods from afar because it is still the lockdown and they can't cross-the-border to visit. My dad and stepmom took turn to feed me foods and drinks when I was too unwell to feed myself, and I've never felt so low in my life.
This incident taught me about what I've been taking for granted.
The good health, the strong body, the time and the energy.
I'm grateful for my families and close friends, for my Patreon for the understanding and the supports. 18 days has passed, and I'm still slowly recovering. Last night and almost this whole morning I was bedridden, waiting for some energies to kick-in. I started my recovery meals back again after stopping yesterday (I thought I was well enough to have a normal day).
But I'm not.
I'm still weak, and I need to remind myself this. That my body needs time to heal, and it is okay to take it slow.
This is my FPP experience in 2019.
Full-paying patient or FPP is a program where we can choose to pay for a 1st class service with a choice of specialist in hand (copy-pasted from their website). I wanted to share about this because I researched a lot of blogs when I was pregnant with Sofi and I found the reviews were so useful. So here's my input :
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I chose the FPP program because I wanted to really have a spot at the hospital when the time comes and I wanted to choose my own specialist. It was my first pregnancy and everything was really scary, so I needed to have the comfort of knowing who would handle the delivery and I needed to have Af by my side (all the time). I can't imagine having to deal with it alone :F Heard a lot of stories about that from public hospital experiences.
I made my first booking through the phone when my pregnancy reached the 2nd trimester. I made an appointment with the doctor of my choice; Dr Hamidah at Hospital Putrajaya. My first appointment was scheduled for May 2019 (my delivery was due in July 2020).
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First appointment: When we first came, we had to register as FPPatient (fill in a form) and make a payment of RM 235 (including registration, consultation, and scan). Then I had to take a number at the gynecologist counter and did a urine test. Then the waiting began. Meeting the doctor was quick (maybe around 10 minutes if you don't have many questions), updated her on my case, did a scan to check on the baby, and set for the next appointment. That's it - it took around almost 3 hours.
Normal delivery : RM 1,200 - RM 3,000Caesarean : RM 3,500 - RM 4,900
My goal is 33 books but I finished 50 books instead !
I'm still on Scribd this year and I've been listening/reading to digital books like in the previous years. I don't buy physical books anymore (except for Murakami's Killing Commandatore this year and books for Sofi).
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Here is the list of books that I enjoyed this year :
The book list that I read/listened to this year is here. There are books that I didn't enjoyed or finished as well (the ones that I didn't finished are not in the list though).
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If you are like me and currently in the phase of searching for yourself since you've become a mother, you can read these books :
Let's hope I finish as many books (or more) next year !
Remember my previous curated playlist on Spotify called Wandering Soul ?
Well I made a new one since Sofi and I called it After Midnight.
I used this picture I found by @michellisphoto , so it is not mine, all credit to her :
There is a phase that started post-pregnancy while I was still heavily hormonal and mildly depressed perhaps due to post-partum depression, stress and recovery. So the playlist started with a song that I listened-to while I was having a wild contraction in the middle of the night. The night that we didn't sleep and I was in constant pain.
It was a wild night.
It was a start of a new phase in my life, and I always come back to that night, the night that changed me.
And throughout the playlist I just added to the playlist, whatever songs that I found that were nice to listen to after midnight. Honestly I no longer sleep late, I'm in my 30s now, I don't do midnights anymore. But it is always nice to remember those life we left behind :)
My soul still speaks in written words and mellow melodies, so I can't help myself, even though I am turning 34 soon, I still enjoy songs and make playlist. It's the best reminder of the phases in my life. Af doesn't share the likings in music as I do, he doesn't hear lyrics or melodies, he doesn't put memories in songs, he doesn't even hum or let alone sings :F I's hard to explain to him, so I think I just write this down for me.
Right after I got my payment this month I made an online order from Bookxcess !
I ordered more picture books for Sofi since she started another phase of flipping-through all her picture books all day (especially before sleep at night). She flips-through it all repeatedly, even though she hasn't started talking yet (she is now 1 yr 4 mo). But she always push the books in my face so I could act / sing / read out for her - repeatedly as well. I would try to enjoy this repetition as much and as patient as I can before she starts to read them all by herself ok :F
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These are all the books from the latest order :
These are all her worn-out books since the last book haul :
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About the order :
It only took around 12 hours for the books to arrive, I was a bit surprised by how fast it was for the order to be processed and arrived. I fully recommend buying from Bookxcessonline.
So their latest offer (for Dec 2020) is free shipping with the minimum purchase of RM 80, and you can get a lot of picture books from Bookxcess with RM 80 :D I bought 5 books :
Sofi loves nursery rhymes : Itsy Bitsy Spider, Row Your Boat, Old McDonald.
So even if you have picture books with animals in it (and not nursery rhymes), you can point to the animals and sing the nursery rhymes yourself (like pointing to the monkey for "5 little jumping monkeys", ducks for "5 little ducks", cows for "Old McDonald", shark for "Baby Shark" etc. She expects me to sing whenever she points something to me.
I'm surprised by her interest in books - I thought it would be much complicated compared to toys.
PS : I started reading to her when she was 3 months old, and she started showing interest in the books by herself by 9 months - but no more reading to her, she got no patience for that, only songs and sounds nowadays.