Little Stories 296 : Random Over-sharing Session

On Secretly Existing:

I'm having an internal argument about whether to let people know about the re-existence of this blog (since last year, I was quite actively writing) or let people who know, know, and there's that. I've gone off the radar among my friends for a while now, and they might know my little secret hideout if I let people know that I'm back on the blogosphere. I don't think they care now, but they might come to prove a point - that I'm a lousy friend. Which isn't a shocker, I have a habit of muting the world and creeping into my cave to hibernate for years at a time. It's my unhealthy coping mechanism.

It's easy to let strangers read your writing, but friends that you've stopped texting? Hm. But then again, it is so good to see people commenting kan. Perhaps, a taste of validation or some sort of communication when my social life is as dry as my jokes. Ada I tried making friends with these local bookish Instagrammers and artsy people on the internet, I personally DM-ed them and tried to have a conversation and exchange books, but I was ghosted several times. Hah hah hah. I can't deal with that many friendship rejections, my heart is as fragile as cheap washi papers. 

So, I have been secretly existing here for the past 17 years and perhaps, oversharing at times.

Talk about a capricorn being ambitiously consistent and here's the proof. 

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On Trying to do Something Other Than Reading:

I'm slowly streaming series, cleaning up as I go. I watched the series that I had started, but I didn't finish before. I'm too lazy to watch anything, most of the time, I rather read. But, I needed another alternate home activity. Here's the series:

• Peaky Blinders - worth your time
• Acolyte - untuk cuci mata
• Good Girls - fun first 2 seasons
• The Bear - worth your time, recommended
• Mad Man - just started, no comment yet

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Books in August: I read a lot of Asian Literature this month, so straightforward, so direct, so blunt, am I missing something? Is this due to the translation and writing style or is it a cultural thing?  

• How Do You Live? by Genzaburo Yoshino
• The Lost Daughter by Elena Ferrante
• Snow Country by Yasunari Kawabata
• The Premonition by Banana Yoshimoto
• The Housekeeper and the Professor by Yoko Ogawa

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I think the most beautiful thing about being human is our ability to feel. 

On one side, I feel the most vulnerable, on the other, I feel like I'm standing in front of a door that can lead to the universe.

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Please Universe Show Me A Sign:

In one week alone, Sofi had cough, then fever, then watery nose, on top of that, yesterday she started having rashes like a skin allergic reaction after school, we had a dramatic night and it got worse in the morning when little bumps spread the whole body turning into small maps. We had to bring her to the clinic to get it checked, the doctor can only prescribe calamine and cold medication (that works like anti-histamine to reduce the allergic reaction, no jabs because she is a bit too young). 

She wailed the whole way; "I kenot tahan, I kenot tahan mami please help me", I felt like I died a little. 

But after putting calamine on her whole body, and giving her the medication, she started to get better and chatty again. Then she fell asleep because the medication was making her sleepy, and then I could breathe again. Then I make breakfast for myself, hang all the clothes from the washing machine (because perhaps there's something that bit her), submit a work task, and reply to work emails. 

She's off from school again, so please, universe, let me know, how to become a full-time mother and still work full-time in an office. Ma said that this isn't a unique problem; everyone with kids faces this, I need to figure out the work arrangement and still be a mother - situation. I've been a full-time freelancer for quite a while, and it is hard to imagine being full-time in the office again. 

I'm having anxiety just thinking about this.

ربي يسر ولا تعسر ,ربي تمم بالخير

Being depressed is not even an option:

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Last night I finished The Housekeeper and the Professor, it was draggy because it talked too much about mathematics and numbers and formulas and baseball. I finished it, feeling like I just had a crash course before taking an exam.

Little Stories 295 : Beautiful Brunch, Books and Broom

 

Staying Over at Ma's and Big Brunch:

I stayed over at my mom's again - for almost a week. 

I had a follow-up appointment at the KK, got cleared from TB, and received medication for the phlegm and vertigo. Then I kind of overstayed because I was still a bit unwell with the vertigo, it was nice to be well-fed 3 times a day and jalan2 like I don't have any problems in the world. But Sofi missed school the whole week. 

Then again, around 2 weeks later Sofi had a fever, and I was back at my mom's. We stayed for a few days until her fever subsided by day 4, but the cough was still bad. I planned for a big homemade brunch on Sunday - just for fun. My brother was the head chef, and we were the minion sous chefs playing grown-up versions of masak2. Trying to give him a taste of leadership and pushing him to hone his skills. 

There were mainly Western-style big breakfasts and additional shakshuka that my brother wanted to try to make. I was craving for baked potatoes and croissants. I woke up early to prep for all the basics (food for 8 adults + 4 kids), it took us around 4 hours before we could finally sit together in the garden and eat. The challenge here was preparing each meal as an individual meal for each person instead of the usual buffet style, but anyhow, we had fun. 

His croissant bread loaf is divine - I would want to buy this in the future.    

Look at this beautiful ray of colours:

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Slow Reading:

I just finished Elena Ferrante's The Lost Daughter on my Kindle. I watched the movie on Netflix first, then I read the book. Curious. The part where Leda left her daughters, I can't relate. The book was more personal, and the movie was slow-burn, and then, pow! I love Elena Ferrante's writing, she seems to be writing about female angst perfectly well, just like Annie Ernaux. Unapologetically for us, the female species. 

Then I bought another copy of Yasunari Kawabata's Penguin Classics version, I found it on Carousell (preloved but still in the plastic). I purchased one of his famous classics, Snow Country, and started to read it soon after I finished The Lost Daughter. But it was short, I finished reading it by the end of the weekend at my mom's. I woke up super early every day and sat next to an annoying super bright desk light at the corner of the room and read until Sofi woke up. 

Snow Country is about a married man who is in love with a geisha, and he comes by every year to visit and spend time with her =.= A lot of unsaid things, not very expressive in terms of their feelings, as a reader, I need to actually imagine what both were feeling to understand the heaviness of their relationship. I don't like reading between the lines, I read books because I want them spelled out for me, these emotions, I want to read them word by word. If I wanted to read the vibes and analyze unsaid emotions, I'd watch movies.

Currently, I'm, reading The Premonition by Banana Yoshimoto soon after, back on my Kindle. This is also a quick read because I just started it yesterday but already reached the middle of the book today.

By now I completed 36 books this year.

Way slower than in past years, but I'm not complaining. 

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A Day Out with my Siblings (sans the youngest one)

My brother asked me out on his off day, and I took that chance to go to the library to return the books I borrowed 1 month ago. Aja tagged along, of course. It's been a while since we went out; everybody is busy, and I'm not. It's weird to be the one with free time. 

We went to Broom at BB because it was closed the last time we went there. I ordered a savory breakfast, we chatted, and we planned for the next thing to do. Apparently, we are really bad at planning for any family activities because we don't do that much except for activities that revolve around food. Each of us loves to do very different things. I'm the boring one, so I love books and walks, my brother probably loves exciting activities + foods, and my sister loves things like shopping and karaoke (which I mostly detest). How to find common ground, right? Oh, and none of us do sport.

Finally, I suggested we watch Deadpool and Wolverine. So we did, and it was entertaining, with a bit too many icky, unnecessary blood scenes, it was great to see Logan alive again, saying goodbye to old, non-forgotten characters, and cameos were much appreciated.  

Ada bincang kenapa kita ni rasa dah tua sgt, badan sakit2 rasa fatigue, adakah sebab kita da nak reach 40-an? Lepas tu tgk Wolverine and google umur Hugh Jackman adalah 55 tahun ya. Hihi. 

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Melaka Trip:

We also went to Melaka, just a short 2-day trip in the hot city.

Sofi was experiencing everything for the first time, so it was super exciting for her: the Taming Sari at night time, the bubble and train ride in Pantai Klebang, the cendol, and ABC, the night market, the bright colourful beca, the museum walk, the failed hot walk in Jonker Street (that ended with Sofi having a super tantrum) :F She was so happy. 

2 days later, she had a fever and bad cough T^T

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Random Ayat:

I love that in the Waqi'ah, this line is twice mentioned, esp when it is recited by the end of the surah:

فَسَبِّحْ بِٱسْمِ رَبِّكَ ٱلْعَظِيمِ

So glorify the Name of your Lord, the Greatest - 56:74 & 56:96

and it was also mentioned in Al-Haqqah 69:52

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Health Wise:

I recovered from my vertigo.

My cough and phlegm condition are still around, especially the residual phlegm. When I needed to cough, it sounded quite bad, but mostly because of the stuck phlegm. Other than that, no itchy throat or greenish-coloured mucus is coming out. I read that the aftermath of a viral infection will take some time to clear off from the system. 

I'm officially on week 8 and still taking daily honey with habbatusauda, when I feel like the phlegm is a bit of a nuisance, I take the medication for the phlegm - maybe once or twice a week. Other than that, I try to trust the body's recovery process and leave the rest to Allah. 

Oh, I also went for the Tit Tar Man trial - neck, shoulder, and lower back alignment + consultation. Basically, I can't do anything with my back hump, my neck and shoulders are a bit problematic so that will cause a lot of problems in the future if I don't manage it well - but I'm an illustrator/designer, and it is my job. My left and right back muscles are not balanced due to sitting improperly, which, I can't deny, I love to sit one leg up. Anyway, I will do yoga stretches after this, I proooomise. 

 

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Something from Anais:

"We write to heighten our own awareness of life. We write to lure and enchant and console others. We write to serenade our lovers. We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. We write, like Proust, to render all of it eternal, and to persuade ourselves that it is eternal. We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it. We write to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the journey into the labyrinth. We write to expand our world when we feel strangled, or constricted, or lonely… If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write because our culture has no use for it. When I don’t write, I feel my world shrinking. I feel I am in prison. I feel I lose my fire and my color. It should be a necessity, as the sea needs to heave, and I call it breathing.“ - Anais Nin

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Note: All events happened in August, but they were written non-chronologically. Sometimes I don't feel like sharing, and sometimes I do feel like sharing. So some stuff was drafted for a while until I finally sat, finished writing them, and clicked 'publish'.

Beebeeboobooboo.

Little Stories 294 : On Top of That, Vertigo. But 26:80

On Dealing with Vertigo:

I think the last time I had to deal with vertigo was probably in 2022/2023 - I booked from a promo from KPJ Kinrara for an ENT screening and the doctor helped me with an epley maneuver and a box of 1-month medication (Betaserc). Then it helped, I didn't have vertigo since. 2021 was a challenging year.

Around 2 weeks ago, I accidentally triggered my vertigo by switching off my bed light, looking up, and tilting my head to the left while lying down - which I always avoided because my problematic ear is on the left side. Since then, the vertigo stayed. Minor, not the full rollercoaster version - manageable. I can still walk and do stuff, but I avoid bending/looking down, and I solat sitting on a chair. I can't run though or walk fast.

It has been more than 2 weeks, but everything still moves more than needed.

I want to run, or at least walk in the city confidently, unchaperoned, not scared of falling down randomly by accident. I tried the Epley maneuver myself, but it didn't work, or I probably did not do it correctly. The stress in my upper body stays because I hardly move my head freely.

The doctor in KK gave me medication to help with the symptoms but not to treat it. She suggested doing a proper checkup with an ENT. In contrast, a physiotherapist suggested doing an upper body MRI to pinpoint the problem so they can treat it properly because vertigo can be triggered by many factors. They can help with a lot of sessions to help reduce it, but it is bound to repeat when it is triggered (I did a lot of physio and chiro sessions in 2021, read the summary here). Again, this is not my first rodeo, so I know how to function with mild vertigo, I used to have vertigo for weeks before I finally gave in and went for a treatment to get it fixed. 

Mark 2 weeks, I googled ENT with vertigo expertise and got a number for Dr. Loh for ENT Sunway Specialist Center, I contacted the number and suddenly got a slot for the next day. I didn't plan to get it that fast, but I just confirmed without thinking for long. 

My session was rather quick. I got a consult. After I told him my whole history with vertigo, he said he suspected it was BBPV and straight away helped me with epley maneuver to reposition the crystal for balancing (if you remember in biology, you will know what I'm talking about), then he checked my ears and said that the outer ears were all fine. If it is BPPV, then it is internal. He asked to buy a prescription at a pharmacy and take it for 2 weeks. Basically, all the same things were done back in KPJ Kinrara.

• Cost: Consult + Epley Maneuver + Ear Checking = RM 300
• Medication: Betaserc (2 weeks) = RM 48

Note : It was less than 15 mins for RM 300, but if it works, then Alhamdulillah. 

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Why did I choose to meet an ENT specialist, instead of doing chiro and physio?

In my past vertigo episodes, chiro and physio worked after several weeks of treatment - which can be long and can cost more. The last time I met an ENT specialist, it worked on one treatment + medication. 

But, if I was also having neck and shoulder pain that needs help with alignment (esp when there are too many jobs and I'm too stressed out), I would probably do chiro sessions. 

Physio would be my last option only when the doctor suggests that I get physiotherapy sessions. Why? Because it takes too much time and energy. It is work - work - work. An hour every session with multiple treatments to try on. 

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Does a normal doctor help?

Most probably, they will give you medication to treat the symptoms (like nausea and dizziness). Not treating vertigo itself and medication hardly works because it depends on what kind of vertigo you are triggered by. So.. yeah. Don't go see a gp, if your vertigo won't stop for weeks, go to ENT to get it checked instead.

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Extra:

I asked the doctor, it has been 2 weeks. If I just let it be, will it subside itself? He said that it could go on for months - especially if it is BPPV, and not a vertigo triggered by something else. Yelah, I guess he is right, sebab in the past, I always needed to get it fixed eventually because it would go on for weeks and weeks, not the 1-day random vertigo kind of thing. 

Oh yes, I also need to elevate my head with double pillows while sleeping and can't side sleep for 2 weeks.

Aaaanyway, I'm not complaining. 

It is something that I have dealt with several times before, so it is nothing new. I will update this post weekly to see whether it works or not (for your reference). Hopefully, the vertigo just simply disappear soon.

26:80

*

Update:

• 2 days later, the vertigo subsided. I could jump and not have the whole world extra bumpy. But I'm not taking any risks - I will still solat sitting down and sleeping like a corpse with double pillows (even though it is hurting my back).
• A week in, I think it's okay now. I can try running soon. 

Little Stories 293 : Random Post and Writing Exercise

Books I Read While I Was Sick Then Recovering: 

1. My Name is Lucy Barton by Elizabeth Strout - I've read better stories. It was light enough to read while I was really sick, so it was a good pick. I didn't like the writing style, but I love the moving mother-daughter story. 
2. How Do You Live by Genzaburo Yoshino - Master Miyazaki convinced me to read this book, when I watched The Boy and the Heron last year. 
3. Languages of Truth by Salman Rushdie - his essay collection from 2003 - 2020. Just curious about him, in general. To learn about how a writer thinks, you can read his/her essays, this man here, did make so many people angry (because of his now-banned book), he was even stabbed on stage, got one-eye blind, and is probably considered a martyr in the writing world by some people because of that. 
4. The 9 Lives of Rose Napolitano by Donna Freitas - No comment yet, been a while since I read something that feels like a chick-lit. 

Note: I haven't finished all of these books except for the first one. But I extended my library books this week, so I have 2 more extra weeks to read them. 

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Series I Watched While I Was Drawing:

• The Acolyte - I'm fine with watching eye-candy sith turning people into the dark side. I feel you, Mae.
• The Bear - This was inspiring on many levels, especially since I've felt like a loser lately because sometimes things happen, you know, and as a human, you'll lose your focus because we are very emotional beings. At least, I am. The Bear is so messy, so flawed, so traumatic, so stressful. But somehow in that chaos, you'll see that your life isn't that shitty, someone else out there is having worse life than you. So you make do. I'll remember this moment when one day in the future I can say that The Bear helped me get through it. Yeah, a fictional TV series, it spoke to me.  

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Update on the health:

Week 5 was a light in the tunnel. I finally stopped coughing; hours turned into days, and I stopped taking medicine, I didn't cough until I gagged anymore or felt like my head was bursting into flame or lightheaded after a coughing fit. Suddenly, I stopped coughing that often. Residual phlegm is still a problem, but at least it is not with those bad cough. 

I healed from sinusitis after 6 days as well, I'm okay now, I'm OK. There is still minor vertigo that I need to look into and get fixed. 

Week 6 update from KK: The doctor confirmed that I don't have TB. Whatever I had, was probably something viral and a bit stronger (I assume). 

 

I need to do something about the weight, I know. I also need to do something about my mental health because I can feel that it is linked. I don't eat when I don't feel good, and I don't feel good for a very long time. So, we need to do something about that. 

I hope you are here, with good intentions, and every single time you read my blog post, you'll do'a something great for me. Like remarkably good health, or such a strong vitality towards life, or great career progress, or just anything good at all. Please don't send me bad vibes, I can't have those in my life. 

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Apple Pencil:

With that very limited money, I bought my second Apple Pencil so that I could start drawing again and accept illustration projects because I needed this and Raya season is coming up soon. I need to restart the life that I've put on hold; I need to start living again, whatever that entails. 

This, is still traumatizing, but I don't have any other options, do I? 

But I managed to finish up one whole illustration exercise, after more than 6 months of not picking up the iPad to draw. 

Note: The first Apple Pencil, lasted around 7 years. I really hope my current iPad can manage more projects until I can afford an upgrade. 

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Smiling Lines:

I got those now, long ones, when I smile.

It's either because I'm slowly losing my buccal fat when I lose more weight, or because I'm getting older and I'm slowly developing smiling lines, or perhaps, both. I don't think I have that before. But I remember once someone mentioned it to me, and I never noticed that. Until now, when they are becoming obvious.  

When I smile, I have long smiling lines that I don't recognize. 

It's weird kan, getting older.