Little Stories 292 : Fourth Week, Sinusitis, and KK

Came the fourth week:

I'm writing from my mom's house, and I've been staying here for a week now. Originally I went back last weekend to celebrate Sofi's 5th birthday together. But since then, my health has worsened and I was infected with sinusitis, most probably from the same virus that I've been fighting for over a month now. 

This was my first sinusitis, it was bad. I didn't know how to manage it, my face was in pain, not forgetting the headache around my head, the fever, the fatigue, the thick mucus, the tenderness in my face, and the eye discharge. Every time I coughed, my whole head felt like bursting. Every time I lie down, I feel like crying because the pain was everywhere. I was on paracetamol for 3 5 solid days to manage my pain, and the doctor asked me to eat 2 pills to manage the pain so I could rest.

There were days when I was on stronger cough medication, I was feverish, in pain, and too weak to do anything other than lie down trying to rest. I was delirious, I talked gibberish in my on-off sleep. I've never had those, I usually see Sofi like that when she is sick. Not me. 

So then I decided to have my third GP visit - antibody count ok - not bacterial, blood count ok - not dengue, next is to do more tests to opt out TB. I also did flu and covid tests - all negative. So she referred me to the nearest KK for more tests. Thank God I was in my mom's care this week because I can't - I just can't do KK Seri Kembangan. 

I went to 2 different KK in Nilai in 2 days:

• KK KLIA Nilai - Get a consultation, send 3 bottles of phlegm samples, get blood tests for TB, and else - around 2 hours process, RM 1
• KK Nilai - get xray done in 5 minutes, RM 1

The result will be reviewed in 2 weeks. 

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What did I learn from this?

When I was in 3 weeks bad cough phase, I was already miserable but I didn't want to ask for help. Then on top of that, more worse infection happened and I had no other option than to ask for help. I had to push aside my ego and stay over at my mom's and let her take care of me while I was recovering. I asked Af to take care of Sofi because I was too weak to even think. 

I did everything I could to stay focused on the recovery. I was not anxious, anxiety comes when I am stagnant and stuck in a place, but I know I was doing everything I can to recover. So I knew I was moving somewhere.

I'm now skin and bones, and I weighed only 44kg.

But let's put aside the part I can't control yet and let's just focus on the healing and recovery. 

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Note: I have the type of tough Asian mom who focuses on tough love rather than giving gentle love and care ok. Of course, she handles all my food and sends me to doctors, that's how she shows her love. But she feels like I was over-reacting to the pain and she always says that I focused on the sickness too much. Mana ada urut2 kepala kind of thing bagi manja2, tough love bb.

That's why I have an issue with asking for help - because most of the time I rather tahan than let her gas-light my pain and sickness :F But I don't blame her, despite that, I'm thankful for having her take care of me this week. Gentle parenting was not introduced until all of us became parents and we learned from the tough love we had when we grew up kan, so we give our kids what we desperately wanted when we were small to heal from our own past experiences. Betul tak. 

It's ok, I validate your pain. 

We had it all together. 

Little Thing 279 : The 9-dots Puzzle

 

One thing I wanted to remember from Elastic was the 9-dots puzzle.

In this puzzle, you are asked to connect these 9 dots in 4 straight lines or less without lifting the pen. 

Sounds easy, right? Try it. 

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Apparently, most normal people can't do it impromptu. 

But the success rate for solving the puzzle is when:

1. we supply with 2 extra dots
2. or, we draw another spacious box around the 9-dots (by drawing a bigger box, our brain can think "within the bigger box"
3. see the end of the post for some of the answers

The interesting part is the hypothesis:

people are so dominated by the perception of a square that they do not 'see' the possibility of extending lines outside the square formed by the dots (Scheerer, 1963).

Our brain is so used to the geometric border that it prohibits us from seeing the solution because it will require "violating that 9-dots border". We see the 9 dots as a border even though no rule says we can't exceed the dots to solve the puzzle. But because our brain is used to the same pattern same rule, it is wired to interpret everything in the world within what has worked before. Our brain is wired to connect to the "almost similar" experience to solve a problem so everything can be solved efficiently, but this will also become a problem when we can't see beyond the pattern that we are so used to. 

It dawned on me, sure, because I'm stuck in the infinite cycle of problems that I can't seem to get out of. When everything I do seems to be failing, I feel like I'm at my lowest, and the anxiety hits, you know, the cycle repeats. I told my sister that it is really hard to be positive all the time especially when the cycle feels a bit too long. So, I need to try to break the cycle, even if it scares the hell out of me, I need to dismantle the whole puzzle, remove everything from my history tab, and start back from scratch. Try to think it through from a fresher point of view, maybe I will see something that can work.  

I know, most people keep everything in while figuring it out but I've always been interested in the process itself, so this is one of the sections in my life where I'm figuring out how on earth to deal with a mid-life crisis while being in one. I'm not going to wait until the end of the road and compile it in a book where I tell the world that "I was in a pit but I came out as a winner". The figuring-out part is my story.

And I also kept this from the book:

Sometimes the most powerful revelation one can have is that circumstances have changed. That the rules you are accustomed to no longer apply. That the successful tactics may be tactics that would have been rejected under the old rules. That can be liberating. It can spur you to question your assumptions, help you rise above your fixed paradigms, and restructure your thinking. - Elastic

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Here are some of the answers:

Little Stories 291: Still Coughing, Books I Read and the Library

3 weeks:

3 weeks, I have been sick with a really bad cough for 3 weeks now. I tried the antibiotic, finished its course and it didn't get better, it worsened actually, I went to the doctor for the second time for a consultation and he said to try another batch of other antibiotics. But I wanted to give it another week and see whether it would improve by myself. I got another batch of cough syrup and medication to help loosen the phlegm and reduce the bad cough because I was having headaches due to coughing so much. 

Now reaching week 3 and I think it is slowly getting better (there is a ray of hope). 

But I think Sofi caught the cough virus and now she is starting to cough.

I mean, 3 weeks is quite long to avoid getting infected kan.

Kiwi really helps with the phlegm. 

I don't know whether these help but I consumed all these daily: Lemon myrtle tea and Madu Tualang. A lot of warm water. No oily and spicy foods. 

Even my covid-cough was not as bad as this. 

What should you do if you are an anxious person?

Try not to focus on the problem that we can't control.

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A Library Visit and Books I Finished Reading Today:

I was sick, so I avoided crowded places.

But I needed to return the book, so today I masked up and went to the library, had my 8,000 steps keyed in, explored more books, got other new books, finished reading Elastic in the morning before the library was open, and then had a quickie with Mr. Salary at the Library and then finished Beauty and Sadness after I went back home (read during lunch and commute back). 

Books finished today:

• Elastic by Leonard Mlodinow was informative and an interesting read - the language was easy to understand as well,  so my nerd mind loved it. It took almost 4 weeks to finish it though, so I extended the borrowing time. Finally finished it today but kena denda 20 sen.
• Mr Salary by Sally Rooney: It was only 33 pages long, a short story collected by Faber & Faber. Love that I can just finish it in one short sitting. I think I would read anything by Sally Rooney at this point.    
• Beauty and Sadness by Yasunari Kawabata: I didn't think a book written in the 60s by a Japanese writer could be this beautifully sad. Ok, this is a bit unfair - I don't read that much translated Asian classic literature. But oh my, this book is a gem. This book reminds me of Murakami, but it was written way before him. Yasunari Kawabata won a Nobel Prize for Literature in 1968, but I'd never heard of him before. I have around a dozen of his books to try next. 

Oh, I visited PPAS Bangi last weekend, out of curiosity.

And I was disappointed because of how loud, how messy, how chaotic, and how little books they had - compared with Perpustakaan Kuala Lumpur. It was totally different vibes. I mean, PPAS didn't feel like a library :F Now I have a new appreciation towards PKL.

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Greek Lessons by Han Kang:

I finally got a copy of Han Kang's Greek Lessons, which was the right decision because it was beautiful. I love beautiful writing, and the book was like poetry in fiction, like pain written in art. It was short and quick, I didn't want it to end but that's more reason to reread it again to appreciate the writing. 

But in this case, it is a translation. I don't know whether it was as beautiful when it was written in its original language. That's the thing about translated works, they give so many nuances. Is it a faithful representation or is it polished? Nabokov said direct translation is the main importance in translating, that it is not the job of the translator to make it "beautiful". But Jorge Luis Borges said that the translator's job is to translate and enrich and transform it: “Translation is a more advanced stage of civilization”. Not the same approach. 

So if a translated book wins a prize, does the writer and translator both deserve the award? If I was touched by the writing, was it because of the translated work or the story itself? As someone who works in the creative field, of course, for me, collaboration is always great. I don't think a good artist/writer needs to work alone to come up with a great work of art. Imagine a genius working with a genius, it might create something much better, or it might not. Who knows. But it is always good to work together. Kan?

Ok, I might need to read more of her books then.

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Little Stories 290 : On Being Sick, Meeting Awful People and Walking

On Being Sick:

I tried with herbal cough syrup and honey for 9 days, before I finally gave in and went to the doctor to get it checked. My cough was not getting any better after more than a week. The doctor checked my throat and said "Definitely viral infection, your throat is red and inflamed, even after a week". She prescribed me antibiotics and medication for the cough + phlegm. 

Sofi just got better from her long cough viral infection; now it is my turn to fight it. 

To sprinkle more salt on the wound, Sofi has had conjunctivitis since yesterday and she's also been prescribed antibiotics for the eye. So we are both stuck at home, not feeling well. 

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On Meeting Awful People in Life:

I think I hardly met awful people in life before because I've been lucky for a while. But for the past 2 years, I kept on stumbling into awful people who gave me awful life experiences, especially in the work field (I mean 3 times in 2 years is a lot). 3 bosses, 3 really bad experiences. Each was unique, but all were awful. I'm actually traumatized because I've never faced this much negativity upon negativity for a long stretch of time. I'm losing my confidence and my positive vibes. 

I used to think that we need to treat people with kindness and always try to see the good side of people. But now, I'm so suspicious and distrustful, that I feel like people will hurt me somehow if I'm not being careful. If I keep on being me, if I insist on being honest and show my vulnerability in exchange for connection and trust. I hate that. I want to believe that we are kind and trustworthy, that we are better. But we are not, are we. Except if we keep sitting in our little bubble of hope and love, only letting nice things in.

Ok, then, how to survive this?

How to survive in a world where both good and evil are present? 

Tell me, I want to know your take on this because I'm tired of defending humankind, I'm giving up.

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Walking:

For the past couple of weeks, I've been walking for at least 5,000 steps daily. On a good walking day, I could get around 10-12k steps, but on a rainy day, I would just walk indoors in my apartment (a really boring repetitive walk). I try my best to walk outside, especially after picking up Sofi from the kindergarden or on days that I feel awful. 

I opted for walking because running still makes me uncomfortable or gives me a coughing fit. I needed a low-intensity routine because I'm unintentionally losing weight so much that I'm beginning to worry. But for all that matters, I hope to manage my stress and anxiety much better. 

I'm taking one step at a time. 

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On Watching Inside Out 2:

Loved it. I love the visual representation of everything, even if it might not be scientifically correct. It can give some insights to people who are not familiar with anxiety and panic attacks, on hitting puberty and feeling overwhelmed, on reminding ourselves about the importance of learning how to regulate emotions.

I mean, if I can go back in time, I would teach myself all that. 

How to regulate emotion, the importance of having a strong root, moving and having an active lifestyle, or managing stress and anxiety, and the importance of healthy whole food or the effect of whatever you consume on your body. I don't think I'm too late, I hope I still have long years to go, so I hope to teach Sofi all these :F 

One thing I really don't want to pass on to her is my anxiety. 

So, if I could teach her early, I would try my best to let her explore all emotions and learn how to regulate them. 

Book : The Nerd Talk - About Library

Your Library, My Library

I found WorldCat, a global database of library materials. 

I would type in a specific book I want to find and the catalog will show you which library "near you" got the book you can borrow. Unfortunately, most books in Malaysia do not carry the books that I'm searching for. I'm saddened by the realization of the limited free resources from our local libraries. Now that I can search the books I want online, I don't have to waste my time visiting all our local libraries just to see whether they have the books. 

I'm curious to read non-fiction by Hermann Hesse or The Red Book by Carl Jung or classic literature by Kobo Abe or Yukio Mishima. These are rare and expensive books that I might not want to keep, but still curious to read - and they are available in Singapore's National Library, so why can't we at least have a copy too :F

Also, Singapore and Australia have an impressive library listing (based on the search), so I might need to relocate. 

Then, yesterday I went to Kino and they are selling Penguin Modern Classics from Kobo Abe to Franz Kafka, from Albert Camus to Yukio Mishima and Henry Miller, from Nabokov to Jean-Paul Sartre. Our library should buy the whole Penguin Modern Classics, at least one book each, because if it is not from classic literature then how would we learn? They are important resources. A good library should have all the classic literature because only the important ones survive the time. If the next generation doesn't read these books, they will miss out huge chance to learn about the past. I mean if they can have all the mangas in the KL library, then why can't they have at least a good amount of the world's classic literature? 

I don't want to own the whole set, I'm just curious to read them and perhaps just keep one or two that I like. So we need to have a good library:

If rich people could buy great literature and donate it to our libraries, that would be amazing. 

Imagine these people spend around RM 1,000 each for the Penguin Modern Classics.

• The book is around RM 65 each, we might get around 15 copies. 
• There are around 1000 books by Penguin Modern Classics.
• We might need around 67 donators
• That's probably around RM 65k (if the gov wants to subsidize) 

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Book/Movie : All of Us Strangers

 

All of Us Strangers:

In April, I listened to a book called Strangers by Taichi Yamada. I found All of Us Strangers on Hotstar this week, and I thought I would watch it just to feed my curiosity - anything by Andrew Scott or Paul Mescal has been great so far. The movie is loosely based on the book - the rough idea is the same, but the story, the representation, and the focus are totally different.

Strangers felt like reading Murakami - probably because I read a translation, it always feels raw and too "clean" to read translated Japanese/Korean fiction, and then it touches upon loneliness. Both reminded me of Murakami. Men in pain trope. 

But then, All of Us Strangers was different, a good different. It is a beautiful movie, perhaps just like watching Call Me By Your Name (if you know you know). It might be not for everyone, but it is still a beautiful movie for me. I cried so much. The first half was a little bit hard to watch, but then the second half was just painfully beautiful. It's great if you don't know anything about the story - but be warned that you might need to deal with uncomfortable scenes. 

Beautiful parts portrayed in the movie:

• of childhood trauma
• of wanting to be seen, loved, and understood 
• of loneliness in a group, in a family, in society
• of vulnerability
• of grief & letting go
• of acceptance 

Just painstakingly beautiful. Tsk.

There was this scene when Andrew was talking in the bed with his "mom" because he couldn't sleep, and they were talking about intricate plans that he imagined could have happened. And because I'm a mother now, this scene hit me and my tears were flowing so fast. 

When she said that she remembered she used to feel like she desperately wanted him to grow up fast so that she could have a good night's sleep - because he always had something that he was scared of and couldn't sleep in his room. Then he said sorry for those times, and she said she was sorry, she should have relished those moments T^T

And that scene when he personally had the talk with his dad and he asked questions that he has kept for a long time - we know these moments rarely happen in real life. These heart-to-heart talks with our parents when we are all adults - these unspoken childhood dramas. 

To tell you the truth, childhood trauma stays with you for a really long time. Especially when we pretend it isn't there. There is something about how mentally unprepared we are with the pain that makes it stay permanent, it is there like an old tattoo - faded and ugly. So, in the movie, when he said it was okay it was a long time ago, but then ugly cried - I can relate. 

The book was plain and just - lonely. 

The movie was emotional, made me feel stuff and cry. 

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Book : The Insects and The Question About The Basic

The Strange Order of Things by Antonio Damasio.

There is this one section in About Life and Its Regulation: From the Life of Social Insects (pg 22):

These 2% of insects mainly ants, bees, wasps, and termites are capable of remarkable social behaviors. They are biologically created to have a strict inflexible routine for the purpose of their group's survival in nature. 

They divide labor intelligently within the group to deal with the problems of finding energy sources, transform them into products useful for their lives, and manage the flow of those products. They do so to the point of changing the numbers of workers assigned to specific jobs depending on the energy sources available. In their colonies, they build nests that constitute remarkable urban architectural projects and provide efficient shelter, traffic patterns, and even systems of ventilation and waste removal, not to mention a security guard for the queen.

These creatures acquired their complex social behaviors from their biology, not from Montessori schools or Ivy League colleges. But in spite of having come by these astounding abilities as early as 100 million years ago, ants and bees, individually or as colonies, do not grieve for the loss of their mates when they disappear and do not ask about their place in the universe. They do not inquire about their origin, let alone their destiny. Their seemingly responsible, socially successful behavior is not guided by a sense of responsibility, to themselves or to others, or by a corpus of philosophical reflections on the condition of being an insect. It is guided by the gravitational pull of their life regulation needs as it acts on their nervous systems and produces certain repertoires of behavior selected over numerous evolving generations, under the control of their fine-tuned genomes.

Members of a colony do not think as much as they act, by which I mean that upon registering a particular need - theirs, or the group's, or the queen's - they do not ponder alternatives for how to fulfill such a need in any way comparable to ours. They simply fulfill it. Their repertoire of actions is limited, and in many instances, it is confined to one option. The general schema of their elaborate sociality does resemble that of human cultures, but it is a fixed scheme. 

It is remarkable how these insects can do these huge things for their society without 'akal', how they are biologically wired to know what they should do from the beginning. And I began to question, what we actually subconsciously know that is already rooted deep within us - the things that we are actually biologically created for if we stop to think. 

All creatures are created intentionally, they just exist and seemingly know what to do, even for such a small living thing like bacteria. Somehow they know what to do to survive and procreate. So, how to know the main purpose of our lives if we scratch everything and go back to the basics?

Humans, we ponder, we think, we feel, we ask, we question, we improvise, we invent, we make art. It seems grand.

But we also conquer, kill, and destroy.

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Little Stories 289 : Library 2 Weeks Ago & Extending The Borrowing Date (KL Library)

I went to the library after the Raya to borrow more books.

The first and third pictures are pictures of the books that I picked because I was interested in them, then I sat and read a few pages from each book to test its writing style - to see whether I could read them within 2 weeks. The picture in the middle is the books that I chose:

I finished reading Invisible by Paul Auster today (it marked the 2 week-slow read) because I also read other books depending on my mood these past few weeks. Then I finished Novelist as Vocation by Haruki Murakami on the same day. 

I decided to extend the borrowing for 2 more weeks to see whether I can read more into Elastic & The Strange Order of Things. These are harder books so I don't always have the energy to consume that much information for long. So 2 weeks isn't enough.

To extend / pembaharuan tarikh peminjaman :

• Send an email to : kllibrary@dbkl.gov.my with your full name, IC and the list of book barcode number
• or Send Whatsapp to 011-65643500 (refer this):

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More pictures from the 12,345 steps walk in the city 2 weeks ago:

Eid was triggering - and I was struggling :F

So the past 2 weeks were all focused on managing my anxiety and finding the right balance.

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I was hiding in my base camp, with anxiety. Then I caught the bug that gave me a really bad cough for several days & nights. Then I had to deal with a really bad fight, I tried asking for help by sending a random SOS text but I didn't get any reply, so I ghosted everybody else for days on end until I felt much better. Like all the pain I had to endure, I guess it was always meant to be dealt alone. 

But that's okay.