Little Thing 277 : The Repressed Feelings

In trying to appear stronger than I am, I think I've been unconsciously pushing uncomfortable feelings aside, especially the ones that I don't have any power to change or control - you know, the hard lingering ones. And so, for that, the pain starts to leak out to my physical body, it starts from the back of my head, the neck, shoulder, yes, the honorable stiff muscles on my upper body. When it started to explore the upper part of my head, the familiar feeling of pre-migraine, I knew, I just knew that I was keeping something inside of me that needed to come out - my body was telling me, if I ignored this, it would worsen. 

And so last night, I lined up every issue one by one, next to one another, and acknowledged them. I let myself know why these issues were issues that I cared for, and the feelings that I was feeling were all valid. The insecurity, the fear, the pain, the vulnerability. I cried so much last night, that my eyes were puffy this morning, I started my day with hot ginger lemon tea, ice cube, and eye masks. 

But the issues have been addressed, and I finally acknowledged them.

I ignored the warning signs for weeks.

Hopefully, my inner self will feel much better, or I will need a massage to loosen up the stiff muscles soon :F You know, this, the hyper-sensitivity that I've been given, although I feel like a nuisance at times, in a way, sometimes feel like a mini super-power if I know how to use it to my advantage. This is not my first rodeo, everything is just a bit 'extra' for me, I went through all my life phases with this, so I befriended it. But most of the time, I'm just annoyed by it. 

I've mentioned this before. If you have chronic physical pain, you might as well tap into your mental health state, your subconscious, and the repressed emotions, maybe, just maybe, your body is trying to tell you something that you are not comfortable acknowledging yet.    

Books : The Reading Campaign and First Person POV Ramble

 

The Reading Campaign

There is a small campaign made by local libraries in Selangor that urges us to read for 10 minutes today, from 11 am to 11.10 am. I don't know what to feel when the campaign is to invite anyone/everyone to stop doing other things and just read anything for 10 minutes. 

10 minutes? :F

In school, if the teacher gives us a free slot to do anything we like, I would read, during recess, I would spend time in the library to choose which book to read next, after school, if I had to stay back for extra hours class, I would spend more time in the library before that, to read. I used to organized the book series in the library based on what I'd read because there was no one else reading those book series. I secretly plastic-wrapped the books that I read and returned them back to the library, then when I came back years later, I would recognize these books. 

Books, are everything.

-

On writing a novel based on the first person's POV:

Here is an excerpt to remind me why Orhan Pamuk's first-person POV doesn't sound too excessively self-absorbed - because 1. he always reminds himself of that when writing (and even aware of that to the point of mentioning it in the story, 2. because as a writer, his observation towards his surrounding is meticulous and elaborate, self-absorbed people don't see anything other than himself.

 

You can actually feel the story that revolves around the character versus the character that was there, observing the story. 

He did not even want to think about how terrible the world would be if men spoke always of themselves, of their own peculiarities, if their books and their stories were always about this.

So I apologize to those readers who don't like it when a man speaks of himself especially when he's caught up in such confusing emotions..  

There is a thin line between this, and I'm a bit particular when I read first-person POV fiction - 

it's my all-time favorite style of writing, but not everyone can reach that sweet spot. 

Not Dostoyevsky, not Hesse, not Coelho. 

To reach the death of the human's ego.

Patut lah dia menang Nobel Prize....... :F

-

Note: I just finished a good book, so I'm not over it yet.

Books : The Coincidence of Reading Books with the Same Theme

I cleaned up my book collection. In that process, I sold, donated, and gave away many books that I know I don't want to own anymore (they deserve to be read by others). So upon analyzing these books, I decided that it was time for me to actually read the books that I bought but kept for years because I was not in "the right mood". Tapi yelah, sapa nak baca buku classic lit waktu2 tengah serabut kan.

So then, that is how I started to read both these books that I've had since forever on my Raya weekends:

• The Double by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, 1846
• The White Castle by Orhan Pamuk, 1985

I was gladly surprised by the coincidence of the book theme: the duality / double characters. This wasn't even planned, I randomly picked these books on my shelves. I'm also still in Hesse's fever, so the same theme spread all across his novels (Narcissus & Goldmund, Demian, Steppenwolf, Siddhartha) that I've been reading since last year + and I'm researching his connection with Carl Jung's ideas on that as well. 

I've been toying with the theme ever since I reached my mid-30s and started questioning the meaning of my whole existence and the rationale of my decisions in life. So these are the same themes written by all legendary writers and a topic much discussed by psychoanalysts, I'm also awed by how they wrote these ideas, theories, observations, and questions in their own fiction. Sebab when we write our thoughts and ideas in a fiction, takde lah audience feel like they are being forced to accept these ideas/theories kan, instead much towards geletek2 our own curiosity to use the chance to analyze that idea yourself - see whether you agree or not. 

-

The White Castle (summary taken from Wiki):

In the 17th century, a young Italian scholar sailing from Venice to Naples is taken prisoner and delivered to Constantinople. There he falls into the custody of a scholar known as Hoja (master) a man who is his exact double. In the years that follow, the slave instructs his master in Western science and technology, from medicine to pyrotechnics. But Hoja wants to know more: why he and his captive are the persons they are and whether, given knowledge of each other's most intimate secrets, they could actually exchange identities.

Note: What I love the most about Orhan's writing in this short novel is how he wrote his story from the characters' silent observations and experiences without the feeling of the character's self-importance or entitlement (this is hard to achieve). He was simply observing. Perhaps it is the character's personality, as someone knowledgeable in this story, he performs his observations on his double like a silent experiment, and his calmness radiates even though he is a slave of his double in this book. 

Love it when they start to do writing exercises together, slowly the slave starts to use that chance to learn about his master's personal thoughts and at the same time make use of this personal self-discovery in writing about himself to his own advantage. This wasn't the modern world (it was the 17th century), so the idea of using psychoanalysis to learn about your enemy in writing - is just fun. 

vs

The Double (summary taken from Wiki):

In Saint Petersburg, Yakov Petrovich Golyadkin works as a titular councilor, a low-level bureaucrat struggling to succeed. Golyadkin has a formative discussion with his physician, Doctor Rutenspitz, who fears for his sanity and tells him that his behavior is dangerously antisocial. He prescribes "cheerful company" as the remedy. Golyadkin resolves to try this and leaves the office. He proceeds to a birthday party for Klara Olsufyevna, the daughter of his office manager. He was uninvited, and a series of faux pas led to his expulsion from the party. On his way home through a snowstorm, he encounters a man who looks exactly like him, his double. The following two-thirds of the novel then deals with their evolving relationship. At first, Golyadkin and his double are friends, but Golyadkin Jr. proceeds to attempt to take over Sr.'s life, and they become bitter enemies. Because Golyadkin Jr. has all the charm, unctuousness, and social skills that Golyadkin Sr. lacks, he is very well-liked among his office colleagues.

Note: So, I've read Fyodor's writings and mostly these books feel like they were written by someone with a mental health problem - his paranoia, his insecurities, his confusion, his nagging judgment on others. This book is just another fiction based on that. Sure, he fictionized his observations on life and the society around him - but they were just a bit too negative. I can feel his struggle with that, it was eating him. Although the theme is "duality" and the characters share the same name and face, one is the original one, and another one "acts" like the better version of him - in a way, it feels like a fake character, an alter ego of some sort just to steal his identity. 

-

Aaaanyway, perhaps I'm too into this. 

Well, I personally think The White Castle was an interesting calm read on the given topic and The Double was a bit too chaotic for my own taste. The interesting part is this in itself feels like the extreme sides of both writing voices, which I noted and compared because I read both books in 2 weekends. Menyesal I took so long to finally read them.

For that, I end my nerdy post with,

thank you for coming to my tedtalk. 

♥

Little Stories 281 : The Raya, the Raya Books, and Getting Pierced

Ever since the last stretch post, a lot of things happened to me. I am still processing the hiccups and turbulences, it was hard and confusing at times - that explained my hiatus. But most of the time, I was just too busy surviving the chapter. My brother asked me why I'm not updating anything - I couldn't, I am still processing.

-

☾₊ ⊹

First Week of Raya

Raya was triggering, as per usual. I was back at my mom's and it wasn't that great (because I couldn't avoid it this time, I had to go through it without any distractions). I think both my younger siblings can agree that this Raya was a bit dramatic because we didn't have our buffers. It was intense, messy, and triggering. We were all wishing it would end as quickly as it possibly could. I would need a different strategy next year, we couldn't keep up with this, we are just too old for this.

I slept early on both nights because I just couldn't process the emotional dramas Raya brought. It was overwhelming at times, but seeing that my younger sister was struggling way worse than me, I decided to just tune off most of the time. We would definitely need therapy, especially for Raya season. 

I finally ended my caffeine fasting after more than a month - then I started having indigestion on the first and second days of Raya (not sure whether it was from all the Raya food or the beautiful caffeine shots that my brother made for us). The first week of Raya ended fast for me, I spent most of my extra holiday calmly reading books and more books ♥

Books During Raya:

Suddenly I managed to catch up with my book consumption. I started with only 3 books just 2 weeks ago.

I finished reading Elif Shafak's 10 Minutes 48 Seconds in this Strange World and then I bought The Lying Life of Adults by Elena Ferrante on Kindle for $2.99. Always with backup, always. Then I also finished Dostoevsky's The Double. This leads me to question why people like his books, they don't appeal to me. 

-

Peaky Blinders

I finished Peaky Blinders and I'm glad I finished it. It was exhausting - I think it was around a month for the whole 6 seasons of Peaky Blinders and almost nothing else. I think in the end, Thomas Shelby is only fighting with himself and no one else. He made an enemy of himself, he was in the war until the very end. I hope the final movie will do him justice. Or it might not. 

To test whether it is the Thomas or Cillian effect, I watched Quiet Place 2 and decided that yes, the fictional character Thomas Shelby is uniquely attractive and I'm confused as to why that is. I'm not usually interested in a bad character, so this is a space for me to think through and analyze that part of me.

I'm confused. 

-

Ear Pierced for the 3rd Time

When I was in Nilai, Ma jokingly asked to get Sofi's ears pierced (which I said no to assuming Sofi didn't want it because of the pain). But I wanted it for myself, so I asked her to accompany me to get my ears pierced - for the third time. Long story short, I don't really wear jewelry because our weather is quite brutal and I get rashes all the time. I think the last time I wore earrings, I got an allergic reaction because of the material so I didn't wear any for more than 10 years. So both the earrings' holes closed up - I got pierced twice so I got 4 closed earring holes. 

This time, I hope I learned my lesson.

For RM 55, I picked basic stainless steel sphere earrings and asked to get them re-pierced at the same old spot. Sprayed with cooler and anti-septic, I sat in their little surau in the jewelery shop and asked Sofi to watch me get my ears pierced one by one. After I was done, I told her that it was a bit painful, but it was done, and I gave her time to think before deciding on whether she wanted it for herself. 

Then we went off to go shopping, and she said she wanted to get her ears pierced - so I explained the process again, told her it would be a bit painful, and let her think again. We shopped around then before we went back I asked her again, she still wanted to get her ears pierced, so then we went back to the shop and booked her slot. I let her choose her own earrings and asked the sellers to pierce both her ears at the same time so she couldn't change her mind. 

It actually went well, she was so brave. I was surprised because I knew she was scared of everything and I think 5 years old is still a bit too young to be manipulated into getting her ears pierced if she doesn't want it - knowing her, I assumed she wouldn't want it. But I was wrong to undermine her determination. She knows what she wants, I didn't even have to manipulate her into believing that she can do it.  

So then, we went back home with both our ears pierced ♥

I kind of wanted a double helix piercing all my life, and might actually do it this time.

 

-

Anyway, Raya has always been challenging for us, it isn't something new.

I hope it has been great for you ☾₊ ⊹

Salam Aidilfitri.

Books : About Books - When I Finally Hv the Time

Note: I'm back from my Raya holiday quite early, so to end my hiatus I will finish up drafting this post and actually click the 'publish' button. Salam Aidilfitri ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

 Books I Consumed in March - April :

• The Days of Abandonment by Elena Ferrante - loved it. Would read more books by Elena Ferrante.
• My Husband by Maud Ventura - A French woman obsessing about her "ideal" husband and how to make their marriage more passionate even after 15 years together. It was annoyingly obsessive, would question where is the line between love and obsession.
• Strangers by Taichi Yamada - heyyy, the plot twist! A major film called All of Us Strangers starring Paul Mescal, Andrew Scott, and Claire Foy just came out, it is loosely based on this 1987 Japanese novel. In the novel, the couple isn't g*y though. The loneliness feels like it came straight from the Murakami realm. 
• The Nursery by Szilvia Molnar - about motherhood, early post-partum depression, the struggle to make sense, and the loneliness as a default parent. 
• Afterwards by Charlotte Leonard- About grieving, when her husband killed herself, she was left processing the grief and loss. 
• Peter Camenzind by Hermann Hesse - a young man from the Swiss mountain village, leaves his home and goes to the city to experience new things. About relationships and life, mostly, perhaps about the love for nature as well. 
• 10 Minutes 38 Seconds in This Strange World by Elif Shafak - Another favorite of mine by Elif. 

-

Everything about books in my life:

• I started consuming books again right after I finished my miserable months with TBT. During those 2 months, I slowly read some physical books but didn't finish any of them. Now, I subscribed to Everand again (used to be known as Scribd) and been listening to audiobooks like before.
• I gave away all my Jodi Picoult's book collection to a random Ig follower, hoping for them to find a new home, a new reader that would appreciate the journey. My first Jodi's book was My Sister's Keeper, bought at Popular South City Plaza in 2008 right after SPM (I still remember the day). My last Jodi's book was A Spark of Light in 2019. I decided to stop reading her books after falling out of love with her writing style/genre. In my Jodi's collection, I got 2 books from Aja, 1 book from Ra, 1 from Uncle, 1 from Zm, 1 from Ay, and 1 from Tsy - all other books were bought by me.  
• I also collected all the comics from my dad's house (mostly collected by my siblings during our teenage years). There were around 4 shelves of books. We brought it to the recycling center and only received RM 7.70 for all 4 shelves of books. Which I found funny because the 4 shelves of comics = not even 1 new comic in the market.
• I decided to reduce more of my old book clutter, and then I managed to separate the books that I needed to send to the donation center in IOI or perhaps any library that would accept used fiction. Now what I have on my current bookshelves are books that I actually want to read, and reread, or the ones with sentimental values. I decided to only limit my books to 2 big bookshelves :F  
• During the cleanup, which took days and days of thorough inspection. I found several hundred ringgit and a LOT of trinkets that I used as my bookmarks. Huge amounts of bus tickets (metro & rapidKL), tissues from cafes or restaurants, money, name cards, notes, reminders, postcards, and yes, proper 'real' bookmarks. Just to tell you how much reading I did during waiting time - for the bus, for the train, for people, in general. A lot of waiting. 
• Now that the fasting month has ended, I will try to spend some days in the library, reading books. I found another new library that I would like to explore. 

-

On Reading More HH's :

I read HH's first book - Peter Camenzind and I quite enjoyed it. My journey with HH is almost at the end - I have a digital copy of his last fiction on my Kindle, but not Gertrude (might need to do a little more digging). 

Herman Hesse's Books : 

•  1904 - Peter Camenzind ✓ 
•  1906 - Beneath the Wheel ✓ 
•  1910 - Gertrude 
•  1914 - Rosshalde ✓
•  1915 - Knulp ✓ 
•  1919 - Demian ✓ 
•  1922 - Siddhartha ✓ 
•  1927 - Steppenwolf ✓ 
•  1930 - Narcissus and Goldmund ✓ 
• 1932 - Journey to the East ✓ 
•  1943 - The Glass Bead Game

-

Whisper of the Heart, 1995

Today I also finished watching this Ghibli anime. As a book lover, I was pleased when I found out that the hero and heroine are both intense readers, both spent a lot of time in the library and antique shop + she finally found her calling and decided to become a writer. 

Have a crush based on the name on book library cards? - That is so like a book nerd romance-fantasy. Thank you, Hayao for creating a nerdy character. 

♡︎