Little Things 246 - One of the Chapter in my Life

@linalitvina

I know I hardly write anything since I had Sofi because I couldn't find the time or the silence to write. Writing is a privilege, to write something, I will need to listen to my thoughts, I will need a total silence, I will need an empty room. 

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I am a sensitive person. I can feel other people's energy or aura or whatever you want to call it. It's not that I can 'listen' to other people's thoughts, it's usually just a bunch of noises like the static in the old tv after 12 am. Those noises make me hard to focus on the thought process before I write. I know it seems like a bunch of excuses to not write, but I just can't seem to find the time to focus anymore.

Having Sofi brought so much tumult and energy of a toddler in our lives. Her needs of attention, her burst of tantrums, her cheeky dances, her playtime, everything revolves around her. Having her grow up in a 1,200 sq ft apartment wall during a pandemic while we are both trying to make a living, is a very challenging quest. Not impossible, but just as challenging as running an ultra-marathon because we don't know when the pandemic will end, it might take longer than we expected and we are all burned out. We haven't been out much since I had Sofi, that means it's almost 2 years for now.

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So writing has always been my way of processing my thoughts all throughout my life. It's my solace, it's my therapy. If there is one thing that I can leave in the internet void for eternity, it would probably be this blog. I left so much emotions here. 

If this is a chapter in a book, I would want to mention these things as a summary :

• The pandemic has started around 15 months back in Malaysia. But we are just starting the vaccination process last month, Af has registered for Astra-zeneca slot next week and I will try to find a slot after his vaccination.
• We are in the midst of protesting about the Palestinian occupation by the government in Israel. The people all around the world is educating themselves about the issue and we are trying to push for a change. It is not a new news, but for the first time we can see the whole world is pushing it together, and there might be hope. 
• Sofi is turning 2 in 2 months. She still hasn't call me or Af yet, hardly any words to communicate with us. But I noticed that she has started to mimic animal noises (like "sss" for snake, and also animal sounds for elephant or horses) and whispered some words (like "kaa" for car, "baa" for sheep, "baa" for ball and bye, "buh" for blue). I try not to worry so much about this even though I am.
• I haven't been working since March due to my second anxiety episode. Since then, I've been taking care of Sofi, been to therapy once, and currently working to process my thoughts in a healthier way. It's getting tough in May because the Covid cases are rising up to 6,500+ cases daily and in any day now the government should call out for full-PKP.
• I've been slowly creating a capsule wardrobe but due to the pandemic, I still haven't been able to try it out in public yet. I'm in my mid-30s now, I think it is time to feel comfortable in my own skin.
• I finally finished reading Killing Commendatore - it was a really slow read (just like IQ84, I took more than 6 months!) I've finished 14 books to count, and currently reading 3-4 books at the same time depending on my mood. 

 @thetonik_co

Stay safe, avoid passing negative energies to others,

read a lot and try to stay calm.

Little Story 235 : When You Think That You Were OK

Lately I've been feeling good, I haven't had any anxiety episodes for awhile. I think I managed to re-wire my brain to calm down.

I was constantly feeding myself with the Palestine-Israel war issue lately, I think I can 'manage' those overwhelming news. We also got covid-scare 3 days back when my sister accidentally been in a lift with a covid-positive person early this week (and she's been staying at my house), so we've been quarantining ourselves and hopefully that the 2 weeks will be over soon without anyone catching covid. I also manage to calm my brain about the possibility of the whole family catching covid. I don't even want to go 'there' again.

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It was raining this morning. Cold calm morning.

I really wanted a cup of coffee, it has been awhile since I had coffee. 

It's the second day of Raya, and I told Af that I really wanted a coffee although it is highly unadvisable for anyone with anxiety to drink coffee. But I had been feeling 'fine' and I told him it would be like a 'test'.

Photo by Steve Harvey

And so I ordered one tall cup of mocha latte that costed me RM 25 because I had to change it to decaf to avoid caffeine and also change the milk to soy because I am also lactose intolerant. I enjoyed the tall cup of hot coffee. It was lovely.

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In the afternoon, I started feeling jittery. 

I tried to calm myself down, but I failed. My body felt different, I was having a mild diarrhea, feeling nauseous and gassy. My body felt cold and uncomfortable. But there wasn't milk in my drink, remember? I changed it to soy, and this jittery can't be because of caffeine, because I changed it to decaf.

But I kept on having a hard time focusing, my breathing was disturbed, and my hands were shaky. I had to lie down, Af helped massage my feet with the anxiety relieve massage oil and I had a nap. When I woke up, I still felt uncomfortable. 

During the 'episodes', there are phases of worries. There is the mild ones like jittery and there is the scary ones like panic attacks. It comes like a wave and usually it won't be rationale, I won't be myself. I can't really control it and it would be really scary. I will just have to ride the wave until it is over, until my brain calms down. 

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Whether it is because of the coffee, or the constant news feed about the world, right now I just need to have the coffee out of my system. So I'm drinking a lot of water to wash this out, I'm going to be away from the social media this whole week, and I am going to focus on re-wiring my brain. 

I don't think I'm healed, yet.