Little Things 302: The Architecture of Regret

Last night, I watched Pedro Páramo on Netflix.

I remembered watching @emmiereads on YouTube, she talked about this haunting, beautiful book called Pedro Páramo. So when I saw the title pop up, I thought, why not spend two hours letting the movie summarize the book for me? I’m not here to talk about the plot. You can Google that or ChatGPT it in seconds.

What I want to share is how it made me feel and what it made me see.

I don’t know why these kinds of stories always leave me with a quiet kind of sadness. Men living with regret. Osamu Dazai’s No Longer Human, the twisted desperation in Squid Game, and now Pedro Páramo. All consumed in one same week.

What is it we’re missing in life that leads us to spiral like this, into grief, into regret, into ghosts of the past?

Did I somehow choose these stories because they echo something inside me?
Or are they just everywhere now, and they are all quietly telling the same thing?

I used to think men were simple-minded. Or at least, they seemed to be. But the more I read, the more I watch, these stories unravel that idea. They aren’t simple. But they’re definitely silent. There’s a kind of desperation tucked into the corners of their stories. Like they’re crying for help without knowing how to ask. They don’t know how to carry the fragility of life. They weren’t taught to be in tune with their feelings.

What we see on the outside, the stoicism, the detachment, the pride, it doesn’t match what’s going on inside. It never did, kan.

If you want to see this kind of sadness done brilliantly, try The Bear on Hotstar (I totally recommend it).
It’s a love letter to the unspoken grief of men. Carmy is brilliant but broken. It’s about kitchen chaos, sure, but really? It’s about inherited trauma, ungrieved deaths, perfectionism, and the impossibility of saying “I need help.” Or anything at all, lah. Mad Men? Peaky Blinders? Same pain, different wardrobe.

So, is this a cry for help?

Maybe it is.
Maybe they all are.

What do you think?

Little Stories 313: Mini Rant

Why la, kan.

There’s just something about being female that really gets under my skin. Every single month, I go through seasons. Like the moon, the body shifts, phases that loop endlessly. And it affects everything.

It’s not a myth. It’s not drama. It’s biology.
But still, there is so little of it is truly understood.

There haven’t been enough studies made for us, about us. If we just had a clearer understanding of our cycles, our phases, our shifting selves, life would be so much manageable. So much more navigable.

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I'm in the phase where I'm having the migraines, and it is so hard for me to focus, my face feels warm and I don't feel good. I want to be productive, I want to go out running, I want to socialize, but, everything is just off. My body prefers comfort and rest, which I don't usually agree, hahah. 

Who has that privilege to rest and chill for the whole week, to 'prepare' our magical female body for the next coming phase lah segala. I have a due date coming, I have this important task to be done by this week. 

Today, I'm just tired. 

Little Things 301: Japan Foundation KL Library

I found another library.

I’ve been wanting to check this one out. Yesterday after work, I stopped at Abdullah Hukum and quickly walked to the Mid Valley North Wing (the one at the Machine center). I registered at the lift entrance and took the elevator to level 18.

It’s the Japan Foundation KL library.

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Highlights:

• Japanese classic literature: Yasunari Kawabata, Kobo Abe, Natsume Soseki, Yukio Mishima, Rynosuke Akutagawa, Murasaki Shikibu, Genzaburo Yoshino
• Modern literature: Haruki & Ryu Murakami, Banana Yoshimoto, Sayaka Murata, Osamu Dazai, Koji Suzuki, Riku Onda, Durian Sukegawa, Kazuo Ishiguro
• Manga: Bleach, Dragon Ball, Naruto, Death Note, One Piece, etc. 

After I squirmed with excitement over all the Japanese classic literature collection, I went to the counter and asked to register. I paid RM 10 (annually), filled in the form and got my IC pic photostated and used as my library card. You can't even imagine how my face lighted up upon arriving.

Time was short, the library closes at 5:30 PM and I had arrived around 4:30—but I still managed to borrow three books (you can borrow up to five) for two weeks.

Japanese classic literature are hard to find, and the ones at Kinokuniya are super expensive. But I'm really curious to read them (maybe not even wanting to own them). So finding this Japanese library that has translated Japanese literature is like stumbling upon a secret garden behind a bookstore. I could borrow so many books with just RM10. It felt like being handed a golden key to a quiet, hidden world. I love this kind of surprise. I can imagine lepak2 here after work to just read. 

Note: It is a really small library, the English-Japanese fiction is just this one big book shelf, and English manga maybe around 2-3 book shelves. But for someone that is famished, this is like a big buffet of books. Mostly the books are in Japanese. They also offer Japanese language classes and film events. I might apply for a language course.

Bonus point, it is near my office. 

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I borrowed:

• No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai
• The Woman in the Dunes by Kobo Abe
• Palm of the Hand Stories by Yasunari Kawabata

Little Things 300: "I Do It Anyway" - Notes on Sa’i

 

Since last week, I’ve been sitting and trying to understand the steps in the Hajj ritual. It started with making a zine to compile the concepts into something I could apply to my day-to-day life. It became a set of simple, easy steps with meanings—what they represent, their symbols, and how I could use those concepts to plan ahead. I’m doing the self-work.

Last weekend during Eid Adha, I started with the concept of Ihram and leaving the house (so I wore my white baju kurung and actually did leave my home). On Monday, I explored the concept of Tawaf. And now, it’s the next step—Sa’i.

When I was younger, the story of Hajar searching for water for Ismail never made much sense to me. She walked from point A to point B and repeated it seven times. I mean—why seven times, along the same path, right? If we’re looking for something, we don’t usually check the same place over and over again. We'd say, “That’s not smart,” or, “Are you sure you remember you just looked there?”

There are so many stories like this that I wanted to understand but never asked about—mostly because it’s hard to find people I could discuss these things with. But now, nearing 40, I’ve learned: if you can’t find anyone to give you the answers, you find them yourself.

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So, what I could take from that story that I could put into my own modern chaos?

1. Keep moving, even when nothing makes sense. 

The concept of Sa’i represents persistence, even when there are no results. Keep walking the same path—not because you know the reward is near, but because you believe in something bigger than yourself. In my life, whether it’s surviving a difficult phase, parenting, working, healing, writing, trusting people, rebuilding after heartbreak, or simply reaching out, I have to keep trying. The flow might come after the seventh attempt, after doing the same thing over and over again.

2. Your struggle is sacred. 

That’s the real story. Your hardships, that’s the stuff you need to remember. It tells you that your effort, even in its messiest form, is sacred. Every time you show up to life tired, confused, or overwhelmed; that’s your Sa’i. Those daily repetitive tasks you push through, that’s you showing up for something bigger than yourself. So remember those moments.

3. You may not see the water, but it doesn't mean that it is not coming.

Sometimes we give up too soon, because we’re tired, bitter, or in pain. But what if the breakthrough is just a few more steps away? The message here is: don’t quit in the middle. You don’t know when your miracle is waiting.

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So, do I need to try 7 times? 

Erm, not quite. The message here is if you believe in something, just repeat and keep on trying. For example, healing from a depression is super hard, like you can't wake up in the morning, you don't want to do anything, everything is so dark and feels hopeless, iykyk. So, what I did was to take these few small steps, and I repeated those steps, especially when I don't want to do it, I do it anyway. You know that yoshi 2.0 song "I do it anyway", click here to view. Yeah. That’s it. I repeated the steps until I got through it. I believed it would be okay, eventually. So I just did it. Over and over.

You know why I chose this particular step to write it down here? 

Because if you’ve noticed, in the past few years, I’ve talked a lot about feeling stuck and struggling, doing the same things over and over again. I’ve felt exhausted and frustrated. So finding this concept opened my eyes a bit. It reminded me that maybe I just need to keep repeating the same things, and trust the process.

Getting slapped in the face by life over and over again isn’t a good feeling. I’m rebellious by nature. I fight back when I believe in something. Patience isn’t my strongest trait. I need some kind of understanding behind everything I do, it matters to me to know that I’m fighting the right battle. 

So, yeah, good reflection. 

Little Stories 312: The Daughter of The Big Reader

Sofi with her Pre-Sleeping Routine

Lately, we’ve been getting back into our bedtime routine. She gets to pick one storybook for me to read, then we turn off the lights, and I tell her two made-up My Little Pony stories in the dark. After that, we recite our doa' (I call it "the shield"). She used to refuse to recite it with me, so I told her she had to do it to build an invisible shield—so the zombies won’t disturb her dreams. (She’s been very into zombies lately.)

  

Last night, after her two pony stories, she pleaded for a third.

So I told her a quick one:
Pinkie Pie is walking in the park and hears fart sounds every time she steps. Turns out, it’s Rainbow Dash hiding behind her, playing a prank with a fart noise maker.

She paused, and said,

"No, Mami. I don’t want a funny pony story. I want a mystery story. A scary one. Not a funny one."

=.=' 

She can actually choose a genre now, amazing. 

Definitely my bb.

Little Things 299: Dear Universe: Not That One!

I thought of something after talking with RA last weekend.

So, I saw this video compilation of people opening blind boxes. They’d say things like, “I want EVERYTHING except this one,” and of course, inevitably they’d end up getting the exact one they didn’t want. Over and over, it kept happening throughout the unboxing.

That got me thinking: what if their instinct is actually quite strong? The ability to sense or “see” is there, but it’s being directed the wrong way. Instead of saying, “I want THIS” and focusing on what they do want, they say, “I want anything except THIS,” which, in their mind, focuses all their energy on the very thing they don’t want. So they end up getting it.

It’s kind of like the Law of Attraction. If you keep obsessing over what you don’t want, the universe, or your decisions, microexpressions, and general vibe starts leaning in that direction. It’s not magic, really. More like a mix of behavioral reinforcement and pattern recognition.

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Same thing applies in life, right? 

You do'a at least 5 times every day, you say thanks and you say what you want in your life and afterlife. When you know what you want, you know where to focus to. That's why it is important to do daily reflection and remind yourself.

So what we need is Intentional Framing: shifting from “I don’t want to...” to “I want to...” It gives your brain a clear directive to follow. You focus on attraction, not avoidance. You’re heading to the actual location of your destination.

With the right intention, you'll get there, hopefully. 😌

Note: To reframe my thoughts to only the things that I want and put the unwanted ones in a box and campak in the River of Unwanted. 

Little Things 298: Born to Lead? Or Just Forced to Rise?

I’m late to the club. I just finished watching two seasons of Squid Game.

It gave me major Hunger Games vibes: death as entertainment, suffering as currency for the atas crowd to indulge in. It pokes at our moral compass; what happens when you're pushed to the edge? If you survive, are you still human? Gi-hun and Katniss, they're accidental leaders. Not because they wanted power, but because they had no choice. They stepped up when no one else would.

I had this conversation with JY during one of the workshops: are leaders born or made? I said some people just have it; that instinct to lead, to take charge. It’s like breathing to them. Others? They’re more comfortable in the background. They support, they follow. And that’s valid too.

JY agreed, but added that most leadership is learned. It’s a skill, not magic. You can sharpen it, grow into it. Sure, some people are born with traits that give them a head start; confidence, charisma, high EQ, all that jazz. But knowing the recipe doesn’t make you a chef, kan? You still have to learn how to cook.

To really lead, you need to learn how to communicate, handle crises, polish your people skills, stay grounded under pressure, take accountability, make decisions, inspire vision, see potential in others and the list goes on. It’s the combination of these things that makes someone a good leader.

If you want to lead, you can. Full stop. Leadership is a muscle. Like the gym, you don’t need a six-pack to start. You need commitment, patience, and a high tolerance for discomfort.

And honestly? The best leaders are often the reluctant ones. Like Gi-hun and Katniss. They didn’t want the spotlight—but they had values. Deep ones. And those values made them rise when it mattered most.

You chisel. You shape. You sweat. 

That’s how leadership is made.

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I remember UB said; you be the best leader for yourself first, someone you would want to follow, someone you would want your daughter to respect. Then it will naturally reflected on everything else around you. 

So, I've been dreading and questioning all my emotional humanly decisions for the past 3 years and I didn't like what I see in me. I'm proud of certain aspects, but I cursed myself for all the flaws. This self-sabotaging is unhealthy but how to explain this to someone that argues about her own moral standards that she created and can't seem to follow? Kan? Why am I being tested like this again? I hate feeling like a hypocrite. 

BUT, as AR said focus on what you did good first, take those baby steps, because they really matter. 

OK lah fine. I release back what I can't control to the universe.  

Little Things 297: Happy Momi's Bay

You know what?
I'm glad I came out of this stronger — more resilient, braver.
The past few years have been really challenging. I was in a dark place, and I had to go through it alone.
The lessons left a huge scar, now imprinted on my mind forever.

But now I know the light is in me.
I'd been searching in the wrong places.
I found it. I found the light. And I'm okay.

I don't need anything external to complete me.
I am complete.

Happy Momi’s Bay 🌸

- tq bb for making me a proud mami ♥︎

Little Things 296: Cats Pay the Bills

So, KLIF.

Heard there’s been a lot of chatter on Threads about the “creative industry” — complaints about too many cats, too much cutesy stuff, lack of originality, same ol' same ol'. Let me share a little perspective, as someone who’s been in this game for over 15 years, and has joined 50+ creative and indie events along the way.

We sell what sells.

At the end of the day, it's about what moves. And guess what? Cute sells like hot cakes. That doesn’t mean we can’t draw other things — it means we’ve learned how to survive in a market that often doesn’t reward experimentation or risk.

No point setting up a booth full of your deep, original art if no one buys anything and you end the day broke and burnt out. Syok sendiri, but starving. Artist kan? We have our thing.

So yeah — cats, cutesy, relatable. They work. They feed us. Literally.

If you walk into a creative event and start criticizing people’s work out loud, that’s your issue — not the artists’, not the industry’s.If you’re truly curious about what we really draw, ask to see our sketchbooks. You’ll be surprised. We all have our personal styles, our experimental pieces, our weird obsessions. But we’re also our harshest critics – we usually keep them.

So we choose to draw what sells. What clicks. What keeps us going.

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Suka-suka je datang, pastu complain apa orang jual. If you don’t like it — hey, no one’s stopping you from making your own stuff. Go ahead, join the next event. See how it feels. I don’t join events as a vendor anymore, but I still show up — always. I show up for my people because I know what it takes.

We’re putting our work out there, for strangers to judge, ignore, or (hopefully) appreciate. That kind of vulnerability? Not everyone can handle it. It takes guts. And I’m super proud of my people for doing it anyway. Good job, KLIF ❤︎❤︎❤︎

Taiwan Trip 2: Post Winter Summary

Trip Overview:

On this trip, I handled most of the pre-planning and bookings—location, accommodation, and a rough itinerary. I learned from the last trip that my siblings were basically there just to teman me (heard they were discussing about it among themselves), so this time I changed my mindset and took the lead in decision-making. 

Delegating the Task:

• For this trip, my sister handles navigation because my phone battery is tragically weak. But, I have this cool mini superpower—a remarkable visual memory. Once I go through a route, I pretty much lock it in. So after the first round, I’d often end up leading the way back or on the next day’s outings. Handy, right?

• For deciding where to go and what to do, I’d research, discuss, and finalize plans the night before. I stayed flexible since I had only two main goals: explore and nature walk. Everything else was based on what the place had to offer.

Itinerary:

• Day 1: Kaohsiung
  
• Day 2: Kaohsiung
• Day 3: Tainan
• Day 4: Kaohsiung
• Day 5: Taipei
• Day 6: Taichung
• Day 7: Kaohsiung > KL

Places worth mentioning during this trip:

• Shoushan Zoo, Kaohsiung
• Pier-2, Kaohsiung 
• Anping Tree House, Tainan
• From Impressionism to Modernism exhibition, Kaohsiung
• Animaga & Ghibli Exhibition, Taipei
• Deking hiking trails, Taichung

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Weather:

Let’s talk weather—because wow, it was a bit of a rollercoaster. I went to Taiwan in winter three months ago, but this time it was post-winter. The temperature ranged from 17°C to 27°C. Some days I wished I had my winter jacket (especially up North when it rained), and other days I regretted not wearing a thinner shirt during a hike. Classic “layer and pray” weather.

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Steps, Shoes, and Super Legs

I clocked about 60 km in 6 days—so roughly 10 km a day. I brought new Skechers walking shoes for this trip and they delivered. No leg pain, no backache, just solid walks.

Highlight: The Deking Trail 10–9.5 in Taichung. It was a solid huff-and-puff session—minimal chatting, maximum stair climbing. Thank goodness we came back via a different path; I can’t imagine descending Trail 10. Watching fellow hikers hustle up and down on a weekend was oddly inspiring. Nature really does something to the soul, huh?

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Spending:

• Flight tix: RM 1,065 (I bought an easy cancel ticket, with an extra +7kg, breakfast and insurance)
• Airbnb + Hotel: RM 1080.50/2 = RM 540.25
• Internet: RM 50 for 7 days
• Cash + TnG: RM 1,000 (rough estimation) - this includes food, uber, shopping, tickets, high speed train etc

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Not everything went perfectly, of course. There was the earthquake. The rainy, moody Taipei day. The canceled Alishan trip I was lowkey looking forward to. Kaohsiung didn’t quite hit the nature spot like I’d hoped. And don’t even get me started on the repeating Indo food lineup.

But you know what? We were safe, we made it back, and I had a lovely distraction during Eid. So, Alhamdulillah, I’m grateful for this trip. For the little wins, the new paths, and the chance to breathe somewhere else for a bit. 

Note: Lepas ni I malas nk bawak my siblings, they were just there to teman me anyway – I'll find group trip pulak.