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Little Story 233 : Currently Sick Again

I fell sick again, today is the 10th day and I finally can walk and sit at my desk. 

I've been bedridden for a week, feeling awful, feeling so weak I couldn't talk or eat solid food. I was just so weak. I cried during those hard times, when I was just laying down on my bed and couldn't think of anything other than feeling really exhausted. This isn't a normal exhaustion that will go away when I rest, it is just there, exhaustion, can't even think about anything. Everything was clouded by this.

Af helped me during these hard times, he did everything around the house (while working full time). He cooked, cleaned up the house, took care of Sofi and me. Everything. We brought his computer and desk to our bedroom so that I won't be alone all the time.


My other symptoms are : heart palpitation, laboured breathing, hands shaking, feeling cold, bloated and nauseous. 

This is the continuation of the last incident in January. But we knew what was happening this time and we knew what to do. I started back on my recovery meals. Tried to consume everything good from the nature. Trying to survive feeling awful. Scared most of the time because my body wasn't cooperating.

I am setting up for a full body checkup this weekend. 

I hope it is nothing serious, or at least get an answer to all these.

Little Story 232 : Having a Strong Support System

It is important to have a strong support system. 

I feel like this is one of the bad side of being physically healthy almost all my life, I took my health and time for granted. I thought I don't really need a strong support system. 

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But when I fall sick, Af had to focus on taking care of Sofi and I was put on quarantine alone in different room. I was sick to the point that I can't do anything. We had to ask for my brother and his friend, we also had to contact my dad and stepmom for help as well (because they live near our house). 

They took care of everything. Brought me to the hospital, bought groceries, prepared recovery meals, advised me on stuffs. My mom and other siblings send us foods from afar because it is still the lockdown and they can't cross-the-border to visit. My dad and stepmom took turn to feed me foods and drinks when I was too unwell to feed myself, and I've never felt so low in my life.  

This incident taught me about what I've been taking for granted.

The good health, the strong body, the time and the energy. 

I'm grateful for my families and close friends, for my Patreon for the understanding and the supports. 18 days has passed, and I'm still slowly recovering. Last night and almost this whole morning I was bedridden, waiting for some energies to kick-in. I started my recovery meals back again after stopping yesterday (I thought I was well enough to have a normal day). 

But I'm not. 

I'm still weak, and I need to remind myself this. That my body needs time to heal, and it is okay to take it slow. 

Little Story 231 : The Game that Taught Me About Life

I started playing games on Apple Arcade last month (trial version).

While I was recovering, I tried Outlanders.
Basically Outlanders is a town-building simulation. You'll be the leader in a town, with your town people, resources and different goal for each level. Some leaders want to reach certain success, or population, etc. In the game, I am to decide which sector to focus on, to make sure the people are happy, enough foods and houses and also populating (as well as reaching the goal, of course). 

I am currently stuck at level 7 - Diana because it is so hard to meet the goal (which is to have at least 70 town people in less than 60 days with really limited resources. Tried it several times with different approaches and I am still failing).

I like the game and didn't like being stuck on level 7, so I decided to start sandbox level. Sandbox level is an isolated testing environment, you have no time constraints. 

I picked an island with lots of resources, started with limited population, and no goals. Just for the pure fun of playing a game.  

My island started nicely, resources were abundant, people are happy so they started populating. I had to spread my town people to collect more foods, and at the same time to cut more trees to make more houses and offer more jobs. Some people collect forest mushrooms, some people work at the mine, some people cut the trees and turn the logs into planks. At some point, I can't keep up with the increasing population, so forest foods are sometimes scarce, I had to cut more tree, turn the land into farms, collect veggies for foods and turn wheat into bread, for alternative food source. People aren't happy, so I built a tavern, and candy factory for the children. Population increases, babies are being born, people are dying from hunger and old age, a repetitive cycle. 

Everything is linked.
Forest mushrooms need tree to grow, human need tree to make houses. No houses mean people aren't happy, so they stop populating. Less trees means less food resources, so I need to build a farm for more foods. 

It never stop.
It was never enough.
My town people started from 4 people to more than 200 people. 
The once beautiful forest island turned into a busy town. 
No forest, no stones, no land. 

I felt sick.
This is what we are doing to the the world, isn't it.
We keep on wanting more, taking more from the earth's resources. 
More, more, more.

We are such a selfish beings. 
We don't give back to the earth, we don't take care of other creatures, animals lost their homes and foods, they are getting extinct, plants are dying, lands are limited. The climate change is real, and human, are still populating the earth, like we actually own it. 

I can't stop thinking about this since then.

Little Story 230 : I Fell Terribly Sick and I Want to Remember This

I am overwhelmed by the things that happened this past 2 weeks. 
I fell sick and here is my story :

  • 19/1 - I had a hard time breathing, cold sweat, heart thumping.
  • 20/1 - I took my 1st covid swab at a clinic near my house and tested negative.
  • 23/1 - I had another attack (hard time breathing, that lead to exhaustion and I hyperventilated because I didn't know what was happening. Af called an ambulance, I was taken in, did all basic medical checkup : blood test, EKG, x-ray, and all came out okay. I even had to take pregnancy test - it was negative. I was discharged that night).
  • 24/1 - The next day I was a bit too weak. I stayed bedridden the whole day, hardly eating because I was too weak. I was scared and too tired to do anything, breathing was hard, doing anything was hard. On bed the whole day.
  • 25/1 - My condition got worse. I can't speak, I can't eat, my breathing was slow, but my heart was thumping hard. Fatigue. No one didn't know what to do, everyone was worried. They called an ambulance again. I was taken in, and had to do the same checkup. Took my 2nd covid swab test - negative. The doctor taught me how to control my breathing if the heart-thumping happens again and she reminded me to push myself to eat to recover.
  • 26/1 - I started my recovery plan. I push myself to eat and drink the whole day (every 4 hours). I was still bedridden, but I can now eat liquid meals. Every time my heart thump hard, I try to meditate and focus on proper slow breathing. Still too weak the whole day.
  • 27/1 - I got a bit stronger than days before. I started eating some solid meal. I went to the hospital again to take another covid swab test for my release from quarantine on the 30th. Heart thumping on random occasions, every time it happened, I laid down and focused on my proper breathing.
  • 29/1 - Got my result, still negative covid. Still on recovery meals.
  • 30/1 - Had my hospital's quarantine bracelet (gelang pink) removed. Tired on most occasions, resting a lot, still on my recovery meals.
  • 31/1 - I swept the house for the first time since I first fell sick. I sat at my working table - just for 1/2 hour. I rested the whole day. Still weak on random occasions, still on recovery meals.  

So these are the things that happened to me.

I fell sick. The worst one that I have ever felt, I was on ambulance twice, stayed at the hospital twice, hard to breathe, can't eat, can't speak, can't think, did 3 covid swab tests, felt like dying, didn't touch my husband or Sofi since then, bedridden for days, quarantined alone in my room, and recovering alone in my room.

It was really bad. I really felt like there was something huge happening.

Not sure what really trigger this. The doctor said everything during the checkups were normal. But I know I wasn't well and it wasn't just 'stress' or 'tiredness', because it can't be it.

But I was really pushing myself to recover, pushed myself to gain some energy T^T And I'm so grateful that things are okay now, that I'm recovering.


Here are my recovery meals (almost every 4 hours) :
  • Honey + warm water
  • 1 spoon of virgin coconut oil
  • Coconut water throughout the day (1 coconut per day)
  • A bowl of blended soup (potato, meat, broccoli, tomato, +any mix veggies)
  • Dates (kurma) / banana (whenever needed)
  • 2 boiled eggs (in the morning)
  • I glass of less sugar Milo (in the morning)

I've been eating/drinking this diligently. When I missed my meal by the hour, my hands will start shaking and I will start getting weak and tired. So I just had to push myself to consume these foods even if I don't feel like eating anything.

All these foods gave me strength and I'm sure it helped me recover fast from the fatigue.


I've never felt this sick and weak ever before.
And it was terrifying.

But I'm recovering now and I am getting stronger. Please pray for my fast recovery and I hope you are in good health and please take a good care of your health (it's never too late to start a good diet and exercise).

Note : This post was taken from my Patreon post 2 days ago.

Books : My 2020 Book Challenge

My goal is 33 books but I finished 50 books instead !

I'm still on Scribd this year and I've been listening/reading to digital books like in the previous years. I don't buy physical books anymore (except for Murakami's Killing Commandatore this year and books for Sofi). 


Here is the list of books that I enjoyed this year :

  1. Breast and Eggs by Mieko Kawakamo
  2. The Magic of Motherhood by Ashlee Gadd (I cried and laughed listening to this - it is very relatable in this phase)
  3. Kintsugi Wellness by Candice Kumai
  4. Kim Jiyoung Born 1982 by Cho Nam-Joo
  5. Severance by Ling Ma
  6. This was Our Pact by Ryan Andrews
  7. The Extraordinary Life of Sam Hell by Robert Dugoni 
  8. How to Fail by Elizabeth Day
There are some notes about this reading challenge that I want to point out (for me to remember in the future) :

  • In the first half of 2020 I didn't read that much and most books that I listened to were boring (that was why I was a bit demotivated), I think I started listening and reading again after July. 
  • Listening to The Tattooist of Auschwitz and Cilka's Stories by Heather Morris made me open my eyes to the brutality of war and how human is just so, disappointing.. I am grateful to be living in such comfort and having things just enough, but knowing that there are places that still in war makes me reminding myself over and over that this lockdown and Covid situation is near to nothing compared to what they are dealing with at this moment. 
  • I enjoyed The Extraordinary Life of Sam Hell so I started listening to Robert Dugoni's Tracy Crosswhite's series (added 7 more books in the list - can't remember the last time I read a long series) - I enjoyed this experience so much because I feel like I've been with Tracy Crosswhite along the way while she was growing up (and now she's in her middle age - her series is still continuing, I haven't read the latest one). 
  • I think this year I am focused on finding myself in between motherhood and career. So I've been reading several fictions and non-fictions related to that. Breast and Eggs, Kim Jiyoung Born 1982 and even A Lover's Discourse and more mother/parenthood-related books. Being a mother put me in an odd place that I'm still adapting so I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling and where I am in this situation. These books have been an eye-opening experience. 
  • Severance by Ling Ma is a reminder on how bad the post-apocalyptic world can be. It's a satire, dark humour. It felt like a real life (considering we are in the middle of a pandemic and that doesn't mean there's zombies needed in a fiction to make it valid as post-apocalyptic world). Good read during a pandemic.  
  • Note : I love first person narration. I think it is the best way to analyze or observe human's emotion or feelings. Even though it might be fiction, but it still came from a person and I love being connected in such intimate way with the writer. We can't exactly know how people feel based on just looking at their outer presentation, but in writings, it's just there like an open book and ready to be consumed. 

The book list that I read/listened to this year is here. There are books that I didn't enjoyed or finished as well (the ones that I didn't finished are not in the list though). 


If you are like me and currently in the phase of searching for yourself since you've become a mother, you can read these books :

  1. Breast and Eggs by Mieko Kawakamo
  2. The Magic of Motherhood by Ashlee Gadd
  3. Kim Jiyoung Born 1982 by Cho Nam-Joo
  4. How to Fail by Elizabeth Day
  5. Finding Chika by Mitch Albom
It doesn't help you 'find' the meaning or anything significant, it is just various stories shared by parents - as parents, we all know that it is hard and maybe we don't really say it aloud in fear of looking like we are ungrateful being. But it is hard, and yes, we will always need help to understand that we aren't alone in this. 

Let's hope I finish as many books (or more) next year !