Little Things 155 : Cynicism & Previous Archived Posts


My brother asked me why I deleted previous posts on this blog and some people who commented on my Google+ might notice that certain posts were deleted last weekend. To answer that, instead of ignoring his whatsapp messages. 

The reason is : I hate those narcissism posts.

Two posts were talking about : 
1. My thoughts on running and my reasons for that, the continuation of my arguments with my brother on the reason of why he would do a marathon that bring more harm to him than good. And the mental discussion on why a person would do that to their body. Also the honest statement : I still don't think 5km a long run compared to those who do marathons, the gap between 5km and 42km is just too much. 
2. My works on infographs and the dissapoinment for the lack of everything even after a year. I feel like I'm going no where, maybe I'm not up to being a graphic designer because I haven't reach the purpose of one yet. Or maybe this is just another one long process in life. 

The third post was on explaining and bitching about those 2 narcissistic posts. Being human, I have my ups and downs, that was one of my downs. I'm disappointed with the fact that I can't write anything, even after I read so many books. My blog, where I practice my writing was left without any long posts that matter to me. I write in this blog to my brother, to this small circle of people that I can't reach directly and to myself - something personal that I like to argue and discuss with them. I forgot, that this is a public blog and everyone can read everything. I forgot that the internet is so widely open, until I put a part of me in this big stage and read an excerpt of my thoughts without filling in important holes to connect my stories. I just forgot how my words can reach people's mind without the need of me to be sitting in front on them one-by-one. I forgot. 

So I deleted those 3 posts after 2 days, because when I read those posts, I hated myself. It smelled rotten and full of skepticism. I hate myself for growing up as a skeptic and at that moment, I wrote those posts in my blog and spreaded my skepticism to the world. I looked at how numbers of people that read the posts increased, and I needed to stop spreading those viruses to people, so I put them in archive. I don't regret writing it - I am a pure breed skeptic per se, but I regret posting such negativity to the world. *If I am dark & gloomy, why would I make everyone dark & gloomy with me? You know what I mean?

I just can't do that again. 
If I learned something in the past dark years, I should know that my skepticism and stone-heart statements won't do any good at all. All those arguments should be discussed among my people, just to keep my sanity - and not in a public blog as I did. 

So the mistake was to give statements about random things in my head to people who don't know me personally. My bad. I knew there's something dark lurking in my heart and ready to eat me slowly if I let it happen. The skepticism is purely mine, and I'm perfectly aware of that, but I can choose to tame the creature or feed it, it will always be my choice and I hope I don't stumble too much.

If I did, I'll put it in archive again when I get my rationality back. 
After all, what do you expect? I'm raw and human. I make mistakes, ALL the time.

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