Little Stories 299 : Glasshopper, Physically Moving & my Secret Hideout

Beautiful Breakfast - Outing Edition

That morning, we rented and rode bicycles in Putrajaya for almost an hour (10km). Then Aja brought me to Glasshopper in Putrajaya and treated me to a beautiful breakfast. Renting a bicycle near Taman Seri Empangan is much cheaper (RM 10), but the bicycles are old and not in good condition - need to choose wisely.

Look at my colorful fancy breakfast (walaupun both of us masam2 macam kain buruk) :

I'm part-timing with my sister for the time being.  

I think it is an excuse for her to make me stay over at her house, always :F

-

Slowly Moving 

I started moving again. I promised myself that after I recovered from vertigo and the viral cough, I would use up my body well to move and try not to forget what it felt like to be sick. 2 long months felt like an eternity, but I fully recovered. So I started exercising again. 

• I aimed to do at least 5,000 steps daily
• When I reached 5,000 steps, I tried to reach 10,000 steps
• When I reached 10,000 steps, I tried to reach 10 k distance

At this moment, I only walk because I'm reintroducing moving again to myself, and my aim is not to lose more weight. If I started running, I might shed more weight. I'm really skinny right now, so if I could gain more muscle and healthy fats instead, that would be good. Also, Sofi was off-school for a week (school holiday), so I couldn't walk daily and had to improvise.

In September:

• Walk 5,000 steps in a day ✔
• Walk 5km ✔
• Walk 10,000 steps in a day ✔
• Walk 10 km ✔
• Ride bicycle 10km ✔
• Yoga 15 mins ✔
• Yoga 30 mins
• Meditation 20 mins ✔

-

I changed my mind.

I don't want to openly tell people that I'm writing again. I would rather have my peace and quiet here, only with you, my tiny people. This is my secret hideout - if you know, you know. 

-

I think giving assurance is a rare skill. 

I didn't know I needed them until I had several falls in the past few years. And when life is so tough kan, so terribly cursed, so darn miserable, we don't usually have anything on us left, all stripped bare and naked on the floor, drained to the core, and at that moment, sometimes you only want words of assurance. Not a promise, not a sympathy, not a full package of support & time commitment, just assurance. Just so you can stay a little bit longer, persevere.  

To continue striving to survive the difficult phase. 

Have something to believe in. Sprinkle some hope. Turn on the string light along the dark tunnel. 

After all, it's free.

All you need is empathy and your words.  

Little Stories 298 : MOSS Fest 2024

Read last year's event post here - Moss Fest 2023

I got another invite from Mossery and despite fighting with a deep urge to hide in my cave - forever, I accepted the invite. The night before I woke up at 3.30 am and had been having a bad morning to start the day. But, the best day to go out is when you don't feel like going out.

This time, they had the event at their HQ in PJ.

It was quite far, not that accessible by public transport.

The train ride there took around 1 hour, plus another additional 1/2 hour on Grab. 

I arrived, registered, picked up my free goody bag, took videos and pictures for the content, submitted my free customized Mossery cover, ordered the free Yuzu Matcha at the stall, waited awkwardly, looked at the rejected notebook booth, waited some more until my book cover was ready. It took a while, I was hungry by the time I finished my task of the day.

-

Then I took the Grab again and stopped to find something to eat for lunch. 

I had ramen at Sushi Jiro - but unfortunately, it was bad. I haven't eaten any spicy things for the past 2 months since I had the epic viral cough, and this was my first celebratory spicy ramen, and it was bad. I didn't even finish it and I was disappointed :F Kesian.

Anyway, afterward, I went to bookstores to see whether the latest Sally Rooney / Haruki Murakami / Elif Shafak are now available locally. Exciting year kan, a lot of releases from my fav authors (that I personally collect). 

I completed my 10k steps walk.

Tiny win ♥︎

Little Stories 297 : Another Garden Breakfast, More on Slow Reading September and Books

 

Repeat Breakfast in the Garden:

I was back at Ma's again when Sofi was off school due to the allergy episode that lasted 5 days (which might be scabies because the doctor prescribed her scabies medication, and all went well after the 12-hour treatment). Last Sunday, my sister was back, so Ma wanted to repeat the breakfast in the garden thing we did the previous weekend. But this time, she went ahead of me and prepared the table beforehand so that she could use the purple tablecloths. Hah, tanak kalah. 

-

September Slow Reading Session:

• Must I Go by Yiyun Li
• The Girl Who Wrote Loneliness by Shin Kyoong-Sook

What did I learn from the 5 books I read last month?

• I love Elena Ferrante for her honest writing, she can be considered a female Dostoyevsky - sure, she touches upon topics of womanhood, parenting, relationships, all the touchy-feely stuff. But she wrote them bluntly, unforgivingly, like she really meant them. I will read all of her books. 
• Banana Yoshimoto and Yoko Ogawa's books were a bit too plain for my taste. But I have several more of their books to try. 
• Yasunari Kawabata is my new fav as well, I would probably collect his Penguin edition books. Short novella, classic, beautiful writing, sudden ending, sure, why not. From his writing, I know that Yasunari Kawabata was an emotional being, very observant, and very sensitive, he wrote about the surroundings delicately. He created some sort of slow vibe to match the story. He killed himself in his 70s, among other famous Japanese writers; Yukio Mishima, Ryunosuke Akutagawa, and Osamu Dazai.

I learned that writers tend to have internal chaos in their psyche and I love it when it shows. 

I mean, I'm reading Yiyun Li and Shin Kyoong-Sook's books now, and boy, the emotions uproared in their character's silent demeanor. 

Imagine if I chose not to ride my drama, I would probably only write something bland - all the time. But the thing is, I practice writing in every spectrum of emotions - except anger (I don't write when I'm angry; I write after I have done a full, thorough reflection). Sad - write, anxious - write, happy - write, excited - write, confused - write, thinking - write, bored - write, lonely - write. It is good practice. 

If I want to read something zen, I wouldn't choose fiction, I would read the Qur'an (I do, I read it daily now). 

Kan I told you, fiction makes me feel connected with others, reminding me that I'm not the only one dealing with all the drama. That the chaos whispering in my thoughts is normal - because I am a complex human being. I contain multitudes. 

And this energy, if used in the right way, can produce good fiction :F Kalau tak, why on earth do people say Dostoevsky is one of the best writers of the 19th century? He was a very dramatic writer - ada baca White Nights? Ya ampun drama, that was in the span of 5 days kot. Yes, the same for all his other books; Notes from Underground, or the Double, or The Dream of a Ridiculous Man, etc. 

Oh yes, I also reached my 37 books goal this month (3 months ahead):

Recommended Books:

• Beauty and Sadness by Yasunari Kawabata
• The Lost Daughter by Elena Ferrante
• Elastic by Leonard Mlodinow
• Greek Lessons by Han Kang
• Invisible by Paul Auster
• Please Look After Mom by Kyung Sook Shin
• The White Castle by Orhan Pamuk
• 10 Minutes 38 Seconds in this Strange World by Elif Shafak
• The Days of Abandonment by Elena Ferrante

-

Perpustakaan Negara:

I also went to Perpustakaan Negara with Af for the first time in a really long time (not knowing that they are currently doing the whole renovation, so they temporarily moved to the next building for the unforeseeable future). Af said I didn't mention him enough in the blog, well, he got a week gap this week, and so he accompanied me to the library (because I never tried going there myself), I even completed a 10 km walk that day. Thank you.

The building is very old, and all the staff were very helpful and friendly, but the books are also quite old, and unfortunately, there was no English fiction and hardly even English non-fiction. Mostly everything is in Malay or translated to Malay. I know, I'm biased. The food in the cafeteria is nice though. 

To get there on MRT: MRT Raja Uda (head to IJN) - around 15-minute walk

I decided that the only library I love at this moment is Perpustakaan Kuala Lumpur (they just need a great donor for more latest and classic books). 

-

Sunset :

How strange / When life unfolds this way / In the driftless zone / Sky's are prone to stay off-gray / Clouds are omens too / Fading at the rate / Most pleasant memories do / This is a lost taste ♪

-

Outing with Mi: I know my siblings have been trying to "be there" for me lately - that explains the random outings and treats and messages, a lot of them (like they personally text me to ask how I'm doing :F And I have to reply or they would be worried). It felt a bit weird, but I accepted any help I could get, maybe this would be good for me kan. 

So Mi took me out for lunch, a feet massage session, and dessert at Chloe that Saturday.

The ramen was really good ♥︎

BUT, on Sunday, I had the worst food poisoning (self-diagnosed). I don't know what happened, just that I had a stomach ache the whole 2 days later, persistent diarrhea for 12 hours - nothing worked (twice charcoal, once Chi Kit Teak Aun, ginger tea), I was feeling feverish, I laid on my bed the whole day feeling sick and in pain, can't eat anything solid for the whole day. Later that night, after he bought me a medication from a pharmacy, then it finally stopped.

Then, the next morning, I was okay. 

Only crampy, not crappy.

Epic.

Note: The next day, I went to the gym to walk because it felt terrible to be reminded of sickness again - after being sick for 2 months. The viral cough, the sinusitis, the vertigo, then stomach flu? Like I said, epic. At this point, even though I hide from everything and tried to lay as low as possible, dramas keep on stalking me any where I go. 

Little Stories 296 : Random Over-sharing Session

On Secretly Existing:

I'm having an internal argument about whether to let people know about the re-existence of this blog (since last year, I was quite actively writing) or let people who know, know, and there's that. I've gone off the radar among my friends for a while now, and they might know my little secret hideout if I let people know that I'm back on the blogosphere. I don't think they care now, but they might come to prove a point - that I'm a lousy friend. Which isn't a shocker, I have a habit of muting the world and creeping into my cave to hibernate for years at a time. It's my unhealthy coping mechanism.

It's easy to let strangers read your writing, but friends that you've stopped texting? Hm. But then again, it is so good to see people commenting kan. Perhaps, a taste of validation or some sort of communication when my social life is as dry as my jokes. Ada I tried making friends with these local bookish Instagrammers and artsy people on the internet, I personally DM-ed them and tried to have a conversation and exchange books, but I was ghosted several times. Hah hah hah. I can't deal with that many friendship rejections, my heart is as fragile as cheap washi papers. 

So, I have been secretly existing here for the past 17 years and perhaps, oversharing at times.

Talk about a capricorn being ambitiously consistent and here's the proof. 

--

On Trying to do Something Other Than Reading:

I'm slowly streaming series, cleaning up as I go. I watched the series that I had started, but I didn't finish before. I'm too lazy to watch anything, most of the time, I rather read. But, I needed another alternate home activity. Here's the series:

• Peaky Blinders - worth your time
• Acolyte - untuk cuci mata
• Good Girls - fun first 2 seasons
• The Bear - worth your time, recommended
• Mad Man - just started, no comment yet

--

Books in August: I read a lot of Asian Literature this month, so straightforward, so direct, so blunt, am I missing something? Is this due to the translation and writing style or is it a cultural thing?  

• How Do You Live? by Genzaburo Yoshino
• The Lost Daughter by Elena Ferrante
• Snow Country by Yasunari Kawabata
• The Premonition by Banana Yoshimoto
• The Housekeeper and the Professor by Yoko Ogawa

--

I think the most beautiful thing about being human is our ability to feel. 

On one side, I feel the most vulnerable, on the other, I feel like I'm standing in front of a door that can lead to the universe.

--

Please Universe Show Me A Sign:

In one week alone, Sofi had cough, then fever, then watery nose, on top of that, yesterday she started having rashes like a skin allergic reaction after school, we had a dramatic night and it got worse in the morning when little bumps spread the whole body turning into small maps. We had to bring her to the clinic to get it checked, the doctor can only prescribe calamine and cold medication (that works like anti-histamine to reduce the allergic reaction, no jabs because she is a bit too young). 

She wailed the whole way; "I kenot tahan, I kenot tahan mami please help me", I felt like I died a little. 

But after putting calamine on her whole body, and giving her the medication, she started to get better and chatty again. Then she fell asleep because the medication was making her sleepy, and then I could breathe again. Then I make breakfast for myself, hang all the clothes from the washing machine (because perhaps there's something that bit her), submit a work task, and reply to work emails. 

She's off from school again, so please, universe, let me know, how to become a full-time mother and still work full-time in an office. Ma said that this isn't a unique problem; everyone with kids faces this, I need to figure out the work arrangement and still be a mother - situation. I've been a full-time freelancer for quite a while, and it is hard to imagine being full-time in the office again. 

I'm having anxiety just thinking about this.

ربي يسر ولا تعسر ,ربي تمم بالخير

Being depressed is not even an option:

--

Last night I finished The Housekeeper and the Professor, it was draggy because it talked too much about mathematics and numbers and formulas and baseball. I finished it, feeling like I just had a crash course before taking an exam.

Little Stories 295 : Beautiful Brunch, Books and Broom

 

Staying Over at Ma's and Big Brunch:

I stayed over at my mom's again - for almost a week. 

I had a follow-up appointment at the KK, got cleared from TB, and received medication for the phlegm and vertigo. Then I kind of overstayed because I was still a bit unwell with the vertigo, it was nice to be well-fed 3 times a day and jalan2 like I don't have any problems in the world. But Sofi missed school the whole week. 

Then again, around 2 weeks later Sofi had a fever, and I was back at my mom's. We stayed for a few days until her fever subsided by day 4, but the cough was still bad. I planned for a big homemade brunch on Sunday - just for fun. My brother was the head chef, and we were the minion sous chefs playing grown-up versions of masak2. Trying to give him a taste of leadership and pushing him to hone his skills. 

There were mainly Western-style big breakfasts and additional shakshuka that my brother wanted to try to make. I was craving for baked potatoes and croissants. I woke up early to prep for all the basics (food for 8 adults + 4 kids), it took us around 4 hours before we could finally sit together in the garden and eat. The challenge here was preparing each meal as an individual meal for each person instead of the usual buffet style, but anyhow, we had fun. 

His croissant bread loaf is divine - I would want to buy this in the future.    

Look at this beautiful ray of colours:

--

Slow Reading:

I just finished Elena Ferrante's The Lost Daughter on my Kindle. I watched the movie on Netflix first, then I read the book. Curious. The part where Leda left her daughters, I can't relate. The book was more personal, and the movie was slow-burn, and then, pow! I love Elena Ferrante's writing, she seems to be writing about female angst perfectly well, just like Annie Ernaux. Unapologetically for us, the female species. 

Then I bought another copy of Yasunari Kawabata's Penguin Classics version, I found it on Carousell (preloved but still in the plastic). I purchased one of his famous classics, Snow Country, and started to read it soon after I finished The Lost Daughter. But it was short, I finished reading it by the end of the weekend at my mom's. I woke up super early every day and sat next to an annoying super bright desk light at the corner of the room and read until Sofi woke up. 

Snow Country is about a married man who is in love with a geisha, and he comes by every year to visit and spend time with her =.= A lot of unsaid things, not very expressive in terms of their feelings, as a reader, I need to actually imagine what both were feeling to understand the heaviness of their relationship. I don't like reading between the lines, I read books because I want them spelled out for me, these emotions, I want to read them word by word. If I wanted to read the vibes and analyze unsaid emotions, I'd watch movies.

Currently, I'm, reading The Premonition by Banana Yoshimoto soon after, back on my Kindle. This is also a quick read because I just started it yesterday but already reached the middle of the book today.

By now I completed 36 books this year.

Way slower than in past years, but I'm not complaining. 

--

A Day Out with my Siblings (sans the youngest one)

My brother asked me out on his off day, and I took that chance to go to the library to return the books I borrowed 1 month ago. Aja tagged along, of course. It's been a while since we went out; everybody is busy, and I'm not. It's weird to be the one with free time. 

We went to Broom at BB because it was closed the last time we went there. I ordered a savory breakfast, we chatted, and we planned for the next thing to do. Apparently, we are really bad at planning for any family activities because we don't do that much except for activities that revolve around food. Each of us loves to do very different things. I'm the boring one, so I love books and walks, my brother probably loves exciting activities + foods, and my sister loves things like shopping and karaoke (which I mostly detest). How to find common ground, right? Oh, and none of us do sport.

Finally, I suggested we watch Deadpool and Wolverine. So we did, and it was entertaining, with a bit too many icky, unnecessary blood scenes, it was great to see Logan alive again, saying goodbye to old, non-forgotten characters, and cameos were much appreciated.  

Ada bincang kenapa kita ni rasa dah tua sgt, badan sakit2 rasa fatigue, adakah sebab kita da nak reach 40-an? Lepas tu tgk Wolverine and google umur Hugh Jackman adalah 55 tahun ya. Hihi. 

--

Melaka Trip:

We also went to Melaka, just a short 2-day trip in the hot city.

Sofi was experiencing everything for the first time, so it was super exciting for her: the Taming Sari at night time, the bubble and train ride in Pantai Klebang, the cendol, and ABC, the night market, the bright colourful beca, the museum walk, the failed hot walk in Jonker Street (that ended with Sofi having a super tantrum) :F She was so happy. 

2 days later, she had a fever and bad cough T^T

--

Random Ayat:

I love that in the Waqi'ah, this line is twice mentioned, esp when it is recited by the end of the surah:

فَسَبِّحْ بِٱسْمِ رَبِّكَ ٱلْعَظِيمِ

So glorify the Name of your Lord, the Greatest - 56:74 & 56:96

and it was also mentioned in Al-Haqqah 69:52

--

Health Wise:

I recovered from my vertigo.

My cough and phlegm condition are still around, especially the residual phlegm. When I needed to cough, it sounded quite bad, but mostly because of the stuck phlegm. Other than that, no itchy throat or greenish-coloured mucus is coming out. I read that the aftermath of a viral infection will take some time to clear off from the system. 

I'm officially on week 8 and still taking daily honey with habbatusauda, when I feel like the phlegm is a bit of a nuisance, I take the medication for the phlegm - maybe once or twice a week. Other than that, I try to trust the body's recovery process and leave the rest to Allah. 

Oh, I also went for the Tit Tar Man trial - neck, shoulder, and lower back alignment + consultation. Basically, I can't do anything with my back hump, my neck and shoulders are a bit problematic so that will cause a lot of problems in the future if I don't manage it well - but I'm an illustrator/designer, and it is my job. My left and right back muscles are not balanced due to sitting improperly, which, I can't deny, I love to sit one leg up. Anyway, I will do yoga stretches after this, I proooomise. 

 

--

Something from Anais:

"We write to heighten our own awareness of life. We write to lure and enchant and console others. We write to serenade our lovers. We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospection. We write, like Proust, to render all of it eternal, and to persuade ourselves that it is eternal. We write to be able to transcend our life, to reach beyond it. We write to teach ourselves to speak with others, to record the journey into the labyrinth. We write to expand our world when we feel strangled, or constricted, or lonely… If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write because our culture has no use for it. When I don’t write, I feel my world shrinking. I feel I am in prison. I feel I lose my fire and my color. It should be a necessity, as the sea needs to heave, and I call it breathing.“ - Anais Nin

--

Note: All events happened in August, but they were written non-chronologically. Sometimes I don't feel like sharing, and sometimes I do feel like sharing. So some stuff was drafted for a while until I finally sat, finished writing them, and clicked 'publish'.

Beebeeboobooboo.

Little Stories 294 : On Top of That, Vertigo. But 26:80

On Dealing with Vertigo:

I think the last time I had to deal with vertigo was probably in 2022/2023 - I booked from a promo from KPJ Kinrara for an ENT screening and the doctor helped me with an epley maneuver and a box of 1-month medication (Betaserc). Then it helped, I didn't have vertigo since. 2021 was a challenging year.

Around 2 weeks ago, I accidentally triggered my vertigo by switching off my bed light, looking up, and tilting my head to the left while lying down - which I always avoided because my problematic ear is on the left side. Since then, the vertigo stayed. Minor, not the full rollercoaster version - manageable. I can still walk and do stuff, but I avoid bending/looking down, and I solat sitting on a chair. I can't run though or walk fast.

It has been more than 2 weeks, but everything still moves more than needed.

I want to run, or at least walk in the city confidently, unchaperoned, not scared of falling down randomly by accident. I tried the Epley maneuver myself, but it didn't work, or I probably did not do it correctly. The stress in my upper body stays because I hardly move my head freely.

The doctor in KK gave me medication to help with the symptoms but not to treat it. She suggested doing a proper checkup with an ENT. In contrast, a physiotherapist suggested doing an upper body MRI to pinpoint the problem so they can treat it properly because vertigo can be triggered by many factors. They can help with a lot of sessions to help reduce it, but it is bound to repeat when it is triggered (I did a lot of physio and chiro sessions in 2021, read the summary here). Again, this is not my first rodeo, so I know how to function with mild vertigo, I used to have vertigo for weeks before I finally gave in and went for a treatment to get it fixed. 

Mark 2 weeks, I googled ENT with vertigo expertise and got a number for Dr. Loh for ENT Sunway Specialist Center, I contacted the number and suddenly got a slot for the next day. I didn't plan to get it that fast, but I just confirmed without thinking for long. 

My session was rather quick. I got a consult. After I told him my whole history with vertigo, he said he suspected it was BBPV and straight away helped me with epley maneuver to reposition the crystal for balancing (if you remember in biology, you will know what I'm talking about), then he checked my ears and said that the outer ears were all fine. If it is BPPV, then it is internal. He asked to buy a prescription at a pharmacy and take it for 2 weeks. Basically, all the same things were done back in KPJ Kinrara.

• Cost: Consult + Epley Maneuver + Ear Checking = RM 300
• Medication: Betaserc (2 weeks) = RM 48

Note : It was less than 15 mins for RM 300, but if it works, then Alhamdulillah. 

-

Why did I choose to meet an ENT specialist, instead of doing chiro and physio?

In my past vertigo episodes, chiro and physio worked after several weeks of treatment - which can be long and can cost more. The last time I met an ENT specialist, it worked on one treatment + medication. 

But, if I was also having neck and shoulder pain that needs help with alignment (esp when there are too many jobs and I'm too stressed out), I would probably do chiro sessions. 

Physio would be my last option only when the doctor suggests that I get physiotherapy sessions. Why? Because it takes too much time and energy. It is work - work - work. An hour every session with multiple treatments to try on. 

-

Does a normal doctor help?

Most probably, they will give you medication to treat the symptoms (like nausea and dizziness). Not treating vertigo itself and medication hardly works because it depends on what kind of vertigo you are triggered by. So.. yeah. Don't go see a gp, if your vertigo won't stop for weeks, go to ENT to get it checked instead.

-

Extra:

I asked the doctor, it has been 2 weeks. If I just let it be, will it subside itself? He said that it could go on for months - especially if it is BPPV, and not a vertigo triggered by something else. Yelah, I guess he is right, sebab in the past, I always needed to get it fixed eventually because it would go on for weeks and weeks, not the 1-day random vertigo kind of thing. 

Oh yes, I also need to elevate my head with double pillows while sleeping and can't side sleep for 2 weeks.

Aaaanyway, I'm not complaining. 

It is something that I have dealt with several times before, so it is nothing new. I will update this post weekly to see whether it works or not (for your reference). Hopefully, the vertigo just simply disappear soon.

26:80

*

Update:

• 2 days later, the vertigo subsided. I could jump and not have the whole world extra bumpy. But I'm not taking any risks - I will still solat sitting down and sleeping like a corpse with double pillows (even though it is hurting my back).
• A week in, I think it's okay now. I can try running soon. 

Little Stories 293 : Random Post and Writing Exercise

Books I Read While I Was Sick Then Recovering: 

1. My Name is Lucy Barton by Elizabeth Strout - I've read better stories. It was light enough to read while I was really sick, so it was a good pick. I didn't like the writing style, but I love the moving mother-daughter story. 
2. How Do You Live by Genzaburo Yoshino - Master Miyazaki convinced me to read this book, when I watched The Boy and the Heron last year. 
3. Languages of Truth by Salman Rushdie - his essay collection from 2003 - 2020. Just curious about him, in general. To learn about how a writer thinks, you can read his/her essays, this man here, did make so many people angry (because of his now-banned book), he was even stabbed on stage, got one-eye blind, and is probably considered a martyr in the writing world by some people because of that. 
4. The 9 Lives of Rose Napolitano by Donna Freitas - No comment yet, been a while since I read something that feels like a chick-lit. 

Note: I haven't finished all of these books except for the first one. But I extended my library books this week, so I have 2 more extra weeks to read them. 

- 

Series I Watched While I Was Drawing:

• The Acolyte - I'm fine with watching eye-candy sith turning people into the dark side. I feel you, Mae.
• The Bear - This was inspiring on many levels, especially since I've felt like a loser lately because sometimes things happen, you know, and as a human, you'll lose your focus because we are very emotional beings. At least, I am. The Bear is so messy, so flawed, so traumatic, so stressful. But somehow in that chaos, you'll see that your life isn't that shitty, someone else out there is having worse life than you. So you make do. I'll remember this moment when one day in the future I can say that The Bear helped me get through it. Yeah, a fictional TV series, it spoke to me.  

-

Update on the health:

Week 5 was a light in the tunnel. I finally stopped coughing; hours turned into days, and I stopped taking medicine, I didn't cough until I gagged anymore or felt like my head was bursting into flame or lightheaded after a coughing fit. Suddenly, I stopped coughing that often. Residual phlegm is still a problem, but at least it is not with those bad cough. 

I healed from sinusitis after 6 days as well, I'm okay now, I'm OK. There is still minor vertigo that I need to look into and get fixed. 

Week 6 update from KK: The doctor confirmed that I don't have TB. Whatever I had, was probably something viral and a bit stronger (I assume). 

 

I need to do something about the weight, I know. I also need to do something about my mental health because I can feel that it is linked. I don't eat when I don't feel good, and I don't feel good for a very long time. So, we need to do something about that. 

I hope you are here, with good intentions, and every single time you read my blog post, you'll do'a something great for me. Like remarkably good health, or such a strong vitality towards life, or great career progress, or just anything good at all. Please don't send me bad vibes, I can't have those in my life. 

-

Apple Pencil:

With that very limited money, I bought my second Apple Pencil so that I could start drawing again and accept illustration projects because I needed this and Raya season is coming up soon. I need to restart the life that I've put on hold; I need to start living again, whatever that entails. 

This, is still traumatizing, but I don't have any other options, do I? 

But I managed to finish up one whole illustration exercise, after more than 6 months of not picking up the iPad to draw. 

Note: The first Apple Pencil, lasted around 7 years. I really hope my current iPad can manage more projects until I can afford an upgrade. 

-

Smiling Lines:

I got those now, long ones, when I smile.

It's either because I'm slowly losing my buccal fat when I lose more weight, or because I'm getting older and I'm slowly developing smiling lines, or perhaps, both. I don't think I have that before. But I remember once someone mentioned it to me, and I never noticed that. Until now, when they are becoming obvious.  

When I smile, I have long smiling lines that I don't recognize. 

It's weird kan, getting older. 

Little Stories 292 : Fourth Week, Sinusitis, and KK

Came the fourth week:

I'm writing from my mom's house, and I've been staying here for a week now. Originally I went back last weekend to celebrate Sofi's 5th birthday together. But since then, my health has worsened and I was infected with sinusitis, most probably from the same virus that I've been fighting for over a month now. 

This was my first sinusitis, it was bad. I didn't know how to manage it, my face was in pain, not forgetting the headache around my head, the fever, the fatigue, the thick mucus, the tenderness in my face, and the eye discharge. Every time I coughed, my whole head felt like bursting. Every time I lie down, I feel like crying because the pain was everywhere. I was on paracetamol for 3 5 solid days to manage my pain, and the doctor asked me to eat 2 pills to manage the pain so I could rest.

There were days when I was on stronger cough medication, I was feverish, in pain, and too weak to do anything other than lie down trying to rest. I was delirious, I talked gibberish in my on-off sleep. I've never had those, I usually see Sofi like that when she is sick. Not me. 

So then I decided to have my third GP visit - antibody count ok - not bacterial, blood count ok - not dengue, next is to do more tests to opt out TB. I also did flu and covid tests - all negative. So she referred me to the nearest KK for more tests. Thank God I was in my mom's care this week because I can't - I just can't do KK Seri Kembangan. 

I went to 2 different KK in Nilai in 2 days:

• KK KLIA Nilai - Get a consultation, send 3 bottles of phlegm samples, get blood tests for TB, and else - around 2 hours process, RM 1
• KK Nilai - get xray done in 5 minutes, RM 1

The result will be reviewed in 2 weeks. 

-

What did I learn from this?

When I was in 3 weeks bad cough phase, I was already miserable but I didn't want to ask for help. Then on top of that, more worse infection happened and I had no other option than to ask for help. I had to push aside my ego and stay over at my mom's and let her take care of me while I was recovering. I asked Af to take care of Sofi because I was too weak to even think. 

I did everything I could to stay focused on the recovery. I was not anxious, anxiety comes when I am stagnant and stuck in a place, but I know I was doing everything I can to recover. So I knew I was moving somewhere.

I'm now skin and bones, and I weighed only 44kg.

But let's put aside the part I can't control yet and let's just focus on the healing and recovery. 

-

Note: I have the type of tough Asian mom who focuses on tough love rather than giving gentle love and care ok. Of course, she handles all my food and sends me to doctors, that's how she shows her love. But she feels like I was over-reacting to the pain and she always says that I focused on the sickness too much. Mana ada urut2 kepala kind of thing bagi manja2, tough love bb.

That's why I have an issue with asking for help - because most of the time I rather tahan than let her gas-light my pain and sickness :F But I don't blame her, despite that, I'm thankful for having her take care of me this week. Gentle parenting was not introduced until all of us became parents and we learned from the tough love we had when we grew up kan, so we give our kids what we desperately wanted when we were small to heal from our own past experiences. Betul tak. 

It's ok, I validate your pain. 

We had it all together. 

Little Thing 279 : The 9-dots Puzzle

 

One thing I wanted to remember from Elastic was the 9-dots puzzle.

In this puzzle, you are asked to connect these 9 dots in 4 straight lines or less without lifting the pen. 

Sounds easy, right? Try it. 

-

Apparently, most normal people can't do it impromptu. 

But the success rate for solving the puzzle is when:

1. we supply with 2 extra dots
2. or, we draw another spacious box around the 9-dots (by drawing a bigger box, our brain can think "within the bigger box"
3. see the end of the post for some of the answers

The interesting part is the hypothesis:

people are so dominated by the perception of a square that they do not 'see' the possibility of extending lines outside the square formed by the dots (Scheerer, 1963).

Our brain is so used to the geometric border that it prohibits us from seeing the solution because it will require "violating that 9-dots border". We see the 9 dots as a border even though no rule says we can't exceed the dots to solve the puzzle. But because our brain is used to the same pattern same rule, it is wired to interpret everything in the world within what has worked before. Our brain is wired to connect to the "almost similar" experience to solve a problem so everything can be solved efficiently, but this will also become a problem when we can't see beyond the pattern that we are so used to. 

It dawned on me, sure, because I'm stuck in the infinite cycle of problems that I can't seem to get out of. When everything I do seems to be failing, I feel like I'm at my lowest, and the anxiety hits, you know, the cycle repeats. I told my sister that it is really hard to be positive all the time especially when the cycle feels a bit too long. So, I need to try to break the cycle, even if it scares the hell out of me, I need to dismantle the whole puzzle, remove everything from my history tab, and start back from scratch. Try to think it through from a fresher point of view, maybe I will see something that can work.  

I know, most people keep everything in while figuring it out but I've always been interested in the process itself, so this is one of the sections in my life where I'm figuring out how on earth to deal with a mid-life crisis while being in one. I'm not going to wait until the end of the road and compile it in a book where I tell the world that "I was in a pit but I came out as a winner". The figuring-out part is my story.

And I also kept this from the book:

Sometimes the most powerful revelation one can have is that circumstances have changed. That the rules you are accustomed to no longer apply. That the successful tactics may be tactics that would have been rejected under the old rules. That can be liberating. It can spur you to question your assumptions, help you rise above your fixed paradigms, and restructure your thinking. - Elastic

-

Here are some of the answers:

Little Stories 291: Still Coughing, Books I Read and the Library

3 weeks:

3 weeks, I have been sick with a really bad cough for 3 weeks now. I tried the antibiotic, finished its course and it didn't get better, it worsened actually, I went to the doctor for the second time for a consultation and he said to try another batch of other antibiotics. But I wanted to give it another week and see whether it would improve by myself. I got another batch of cough syrup and medication to help loosen the phlegm and reduce the bad cough because I was having headaches due to coughing so much. 

Now reaching week 3 and I think it is slowly getting better (there is a ray of hope). 

But I think Sofi caught the cough virus and now she is starting to cough.

I mean, 3 weeks is quite long to avoid getting infected kan.

Kiwi really helps with the phlegm. 

I don't know whether these help but I consumed all these daily: Lemon myrtle tea and Madu Tualang. A lot of warm water. No oily and spicy foods. 

Even my covid-cough was not as bad as this. 

What should you do if you are an anxious person?

Try not to focus on the problem that we can't control.

-

A Library Visit and Books I Finished Reading Today:

I was sick, so I avoided crowded places.

But I needed to return the book, so today I masked up and went to the library, had my 8,000 steps keyed in, explored more books, got other new books, finished reading Elastic in the morning before the library was open, and then had a quickie with Mr. Salary at the Library and then finished Beauty and Sadness after I went back home (read during lunch and commute back). 

Books finished today:

• Elastic by Leonard Mlodinow was informative and an interesting read - the language was easy to understand as well,  so my nerd mind loved it. It took almost 4 weeks to finish it though, so I extended the borrowing time. Finally finished it today but kena denda 20 sen.
• Mr Salary by Sally Rooney: It was only 33 pages long, a short story collected by Faber & Faber. Love that I can just finish it in one short sitting. I think I would read anything by Sally Rooney at this point.    
• Beauty and Sadness by Yasunari Kawabata: I didn't think a book written in the 60s by a Japanese writer could be this beautifully sad. Ok, this is a bit unfair - I don't read that much translated Asian classic literature. But oh my, this book is a gem. This book reminds me of Murakami, but it was written way before him. Yasunari Kawabata won a Nobel Prize for Literature in 1968, but I'd never heard of him before. I have around a dozen of his books to try next. 

Oh, I visited PPAS Bangi last weekend, out of curiosity.

And I was disappointed because of how loud, how messy, how chaotic, and how little books they had - compared with Perpustakaan Kuala Lumpur. It was totally different vibes. I mean, PPAS didn't feel like a library :F Now I have a new appreciation towards PKL.

-

Greek Lessons by Han Kang:

I finally got a copy of Han Kang's Greek Lessons, which was the right decision because it was beautiful. I love beautiful writing, and the book was like poetry in fiction, like pain written in art. It was short and quick, I didn't want it to end but that's more reason to reread it again to appreciate the writing. 

But in this case, it is a translation. I don't know whether it was as beautiful when it was written in its original language. That's the thing about translated works, they give so many nuances. Is it a faithful representation or is it polished? Nabokov said direct translation is the main importance in translating, that it is not the job of the translator to make it "beautiful". But Jorge Luis Borges said that the translator's job is to translate and enrich and transform it: “Translation is a more advanced stage of civilization”. Not the same approach. 

So if a translated book wins a prize, does the writer and translator both deserve the award? If I was touched by the writing, was it because of the translated work or the story itself? As someone who works in the creative field, of course, for me, collaboration is always great. I don't think a good artist/writer needs to work alone to come up with a great work of art. Imagine a genius working with a genius, it might create something much better, or it might not. Who knows. But it is always good to work together. Kan?

Ok, I might need to read more of her books then.

-

Little Stories 290 : On Being Sick, Meeting Awful People and Walking

On Being Sick:

I tried with herbal cough syrup and honey for 9 days, before I finally gave in and went to the doctor to get it checked. My cough was not getting any better after more than a week. The doctor checked my throat and said "Definitely viral infection, your throat is red and inflamed, even after a week". She prescribed me antibiotics and medication for the cough + phlegm. 

Sofi just got better from her long cough viral infection; now it is my turn to fight it. 

To sprinkle more salt on the wound, Sofi has had conjunctivitis since yesterday and she's also been prescribed antibiotics for the eye. So we are both stuck at home, not feeling well. 

-

On Meeting Awful People in Life:

I think I hardly met awful people in life before because I've been lucky for a while. But for the past 2 years, I kept on stumbling into awful people who gave me awful life experiences, especially in the work field (I mean 3 times in 2 years is a lot). 3 bosses, 3 really bad experiences. Each was unique, but all were awful. I'm actually traumatized because I've never faced this much negativity upon negativity for a long stretch of time. I'm losing my confidence and my positive vibes. 

I used to think that we need to treat people with kindness and always try to see the good side of people. But now, I'm so suspicious and distrustful, that I feel like people will hurt me somehow if I'm not being careful. If I keep on being me, if I insist on being honest and show my vulnerability in exchange for connection and trust. I hate that. I want to believe that we are kind and trustworthy, that we are better. But we are not, are we. Except if we keep sitting in our little bubble of hope and love, only letting nice things in.

Ok, then, how to survive this?

How to survive in a world where both good and evil are present? 

Tell me, I want to know your take on this because I'm tired of defending humankind, I'm giving up.

-

Walking:

For the past couple of weeks, I've been walking for at least 5,000 steps daily. On a good walking day, I could get around 10-12k steps, but on a rainy day, I would just walk indoors in my apartment (a really boring repetitive walk). I try my best to walk outside, especially after picking up Sofi from the kindergarden or on days that I feel awful. 

I opted for walking because running still makes me uncomfortable or gives me a coughing fit. I needed a low-intensity routine because I'm unintentionally losing weight so much that I'm beginning to worry. But for all that matters, I hope to manage my stress and anxiety much better. 

I'm taking one step at a time. 

-

On Watching Inside Out 2:

Loved it. I love the visual representation of everything, even if it might not be scientifically correct. It can give some insights to people who are not familiar with anxiety and panic attacks, on hitting puberty and feeling overwhelmed, on reminding ourselves about the importance of learning how to regulate emotions.

I mean, if I can go back in time, I would teach myself all that. 

How to regulate emotion, the importance of having a strong root, moving and having an active lifestyle, or managing stress and anxiety, and the importance of healthy whole food or the effect of whatever you consume on your body. I don't think I'm too late, I hope I still have long years to go, so I hope to teach Sofi all these :F 

One thing I really don't want to pass on to her is my anxiety. 

So, if I could teach her early, I would try my best to let her explore all emotions and learn how to regulate them. 

Book : The Nerd Talk - About Library

Your Library, My Library

I found WorldCat, a global database of library materials. 

I would type in a specific book I want to find and the catalog will show you which library "near you" got the book you can borrow. Unfortunately, most books in Malaysia do not carry the books that I'm searching for. I'm saddened by the realization of the limited free resources from our local libraries. Now that I can search the books I want online, I don't have to waste my time visiting all our local libraries just to see whether they have the books. 

I'm curious to read non-fiction by Hermann Hesse or The Red Book by Carl Jung or classic literature by Kobo Abe or Yukio Mishima. These are rare and expensive books that I might not want to keep, but still curious to read - and they are available in Singapore's National Library, so why can't we at least have a copy too :F

Also, Singapore and Australia have an impressive library listing (based on the search), so I might need to relocate. 

Then, yesterday I went to Kino and they are selling Penguin Modern Classics from Kobo Abe to Franz Kafka, from Albert Camus to Yukio Mishima and Henry Miller, from Nabokov to Jean-Paul Sartre. Our library should buy the whole Penguin Modern Classics, at least one book each, because if it is not from classic literature then how would we learn? They are important resources. A good library should have all the classic literature because only the important ones survive the time. If the next generation doesn't read these books, they will miss out huge chance to learn about the past. I mean if they can have all the mangas in the KL library, then why can't they have at least a good amount of the world's classic literature? 

I don't want to own the whole set, I'm just curious to read them and perhaps just keep one or two that I like. So we need to have a good library:

If rich people could buy great literature and donate it to our libraries, that would be amazing. 

Imagine these people spend around RM 1,000 each for the Penguin Modern Classics.

• The book is around RM 65 each, we might get around 15 copies. 
• There are around 1000 books by Penguin Modern Classics.
• We might need around 67 donators
• That's probably around RM 65k (if the gov wants to subsidize) 

-

Book/Movie : All of Us Strangers

 

All of Us Strangers:

In April, I listened to a book called Strangers by Taichi Yamada. I found All of Us Strangers on Hotstar this week, and I thought I would watch it just to feed my curiosity - anything by Andrew Scott or Paul Mescal has been great so far. The movie is loosely based on the book - the rough idea is the same, but the story, the representation, and the focus are totally different.

Strangers felt like reading Murakami - probably because I read a translation, it always feels raw and too "clean" to read translated Japanese/Korean fiction, and then it touches upon loneliness. Both reminded me of Murakami. Men in pain trope. 

But then, All of Us Strangers was different, a good different. It is a beautiful movie, perhaps just like watching Call Me By Your Name (if you know you know). It might be not for everyone, but it is still a beautiful movie for me. I cried so much. The first half was a little bit hard to watch, but then the second half was just painfully beautiful. It's great if you don't know anything about the story - but be warned that you might need to deal with uncomfortable scenes. 

Beautiful parts portrayed in the movie:

• of childhood trauma
• of wanting to be seen, loved, and understood 
• of loneliness in a group, in a family, in society
• of vulnerability
• of grief & letting go
• of acceptance 

Just painstakingly beautiful. Tsk.

There was this scene when Andrew was talking in the bed with his "mom" because he couldn't sleep, and they were talking about intricate plans that he imagined could have happened. And because I'm a mother now, this scene hit me and my tears were flowing so fast. 

When she said that she remembered she used to feel like she desperately wanted him to grow up fast so that she could have a good night's sleep - because he always had something that he was scared of and couldn't sleep in his room. Then he said sorry for those times, and she said she was sorry, she should have relished those moments T^T

And that scene when he personally had the talk with his dad and he asked questions that he has kept for a long time - we know these moments rarely happen in real life. These heart-to-heart talks with our parents when we are all adults - these unspoken childhood dramas. 

To tell you the truth, childhood trauma stays with you for a really long time. Especially when we pretend it isn't there. There is something about how mentally unprepared we are with the pain that makes it stay permanent, it is there like an old tattoo - faded and ugly. So, in the movie, when he said it was okay it was a long time ago, but then ugly cried - I can relate. 

The book was plain and just - lonely. 

The movie was emotional, made me feel stuff and cry. 

-

Book : The Insects and The Question About The Basic

The Strange Order of Things by Antonio Damasio.

There is this one section in About Life and Its Regulation: From the Life of Social Insects (pg 22):

These 2% of insects mainly ants, bees, wasps, and termites are capable of remarkable social behaviors. They are biologically created to have a strict inflexible routine for the purpose of their group's survival in nature. 

They divide labor intelligently within the group to deal with the problems of finding energy sources, transform them into products useful for their lives, and manage the flow of those products. They do so to the point of changing the numbers of workers assigned to specific jobs depending on the energy sources available. In their colonies, they build nests that constitute remarkable urban architectural projects and provide efficient shelter, traffic patterns, and even systems of ventilation and waste removal, not to mention a security guard for the queen.

These creatures acquired their complex social behaviors from their biology, not from Montessori schools or Ivy League colleges. But in spite of having come by these astounding abilities as early as 100 million years ago, ants and bees, individually or as colonies, do not grieve for the loss of their mates when they disappear and do not ask about their place in the universe. They do not inquire about their origin, let alone their destiny. Their seemingly responsible, socially successful behavior is not guided by a sense of responsibility, to themselves or to others, or by a corpus of philosophical reflections on the condition of being an insect. It is guided by the gravitational pull of their life regulation needs as it acts on their nervous systems and produces certain repertoires of behavior selected over numerous evolving generations, under the control of their fine-tuned genomes.

Members of a colony do not think as much as they act, by which I mean that upon registering a particular need - theirs, or the group's, or the queen's - they do not ponder alternatives for how to fulfill such a need in any way comparable to ours. They simply fulfill it. Their repertoire of actions is limited, and in many instances, it is confined to one option. The general schema of their elaborate sociality does resemble that of human cultures, but it is a fixed scheme. 

It is remarkable how these insects can do these huge things for their society without 'akal', how they are biologically wired to know what they should do from the beginning. And I began to question, what we actually subconsciously know that is already rooted deep within us - the things that we are actually biologically created for if we stop to think. 

All creatures are created intentionally, they just exist and seemingly know what to do, even for such a small living thing like bacteria. Somehow they know what to do to survive and procreate. So, how to know the main purpose of our lives if we scratch everything and go back to the basics?

Humans, we ponder, we think, we feel, we ask, we question, we improvise, we invent, we make art. It seems grand.

But we also conquer, kill, and destroy.

-

Little Stories 289 : Library 2 Weeks Ago & Extending The Borrowing Date (KL Library)

I went to the library after the Raya to borrow more books.

The first and third pictures are pictures of the books that I picked because I was interested in them, then I sat and read a few pages from each book to test its writing style - to see whether I could read them within 2 weeks. The picture in the middle is the books that I chose:

I finished reading Invisible by Paul Auster today (it marked the 2 week-slow read) because I also read other books depending on my mood these past few weeks. Then I finished Novelist as Vocation by Haruki Murakami on the same day. 

I decided to extend the borrowing for 2 more weeks to see whether I can read more into Elastic & The Strange Order of Things. These are harder books so I don't always have the energy to consume that much information for long. So 2 weeks isn't enough.

To extend / pembaharuan tarikh peminjaman :

• Send an email to : kllibrary@dbkl.gov.my with your full name, IC and the list of book barcode number
• or Send Whatsapp to 011-65643500 (refer this):

-

More pictures from the 12,345 steps walk in the city 2 weeks ago:

Eid was triggering - and I was struggling :F

So the past 2 weeks were all focused on managing my anxiety and finding the right balance.

-

I was hiding in my base camp, with anxiety. Then I caught the bug that gave me a really bad cough for several days & nights. Then I had to deal with a really bad fight, I tried asking for help by sending a random SOS text but I didn't get any reply, so I ghosted everybody else for days on end until I felt much better. Like all the pain I had to endure, I guess it was always meant to be dealt alone. 

But that's okay.

Little Stories 288 : June's Social Events & Please Look After Mom

 

The Weekend Events : KL Collectors Market & CAFKL

I didn't plan on this, just decided I would need a day out on a weekend. So I went to KL Gateway for supposedly CAFKL but I was at the wrong venue! Like I said, I didn't plan for it properly, but luckily KL Collector's Market was there. So, powered with caffeine, I explored the event 'almost' calmly - the crowd wasn't that bad because I was early. I didn't find anything interesting worth buying. 

I found Cassian Andor:

Then I went to the next intended event: CAFKL at Fahrenheit 88. 

The crowd was overwhelming, there was a long queue to buy the ticket. I decided to explore Uniqlo first to avoid the crowd (3 levels of Uniqlo). I also bought Totoro's Nekobasu kids' t-shirt and I did embroidery on my sling bag just for fun. I had to wait 1 hour for the customization ❀, so then I went to CAFKL.

The inspiration, the creative side of everything, the booths, and the visual marketing part, were all a bit underwhelming compared to the KL Illustration Fair. I explored the place twice, bought 2 stickers then went out from the event. Got my bag back, and decided to eat at Kagura Bukit Bintang. I went back home afterward because it was raining - missed a chance to stop by at Eslite.

-

The Birthday Brunch

It was my dad's 69th birthday. 

So, we got together and cooked something for all of us. 

Been a while since we did this. The whole meal was colourful and beautiful, and it felt so effortless in the kitchen, passing the baton whenever needed between us siblings. I'm still curious about whether we really need a leadership role between us when something as peaceful as this could be achieved when we all know and understand our roles in the family. 

My dad was so happy ‪‪❤︎‬

-

Potential for Growth:

Just as one must suffer physical pain to build stronger bones and muscles, one must suffer emotional pain to develop greater resilience. And it's only when we feel intense pain that we're willing to look at our values and question why they seem to be failing us. We need some sort of existential crisis to take an objective look at how we've been deriving meaning in life, and how we can change course. - Mark Manson

-

Please Look After Mom by Shin Kyung-Sook:

I finished reading it on the train yesterday. Almost cried in public - it was so heartbreaking. It has been a while since I read a good book (did I also say this when I read The White Castle last April? Hihi). Should give all old books a chance, you might find valuable ones.

It is an old book, published in 2008 - found it at the library and thought why not. I didn't like the writing style, the writer used "you" throughout the whole book and I felt uncomfortable while reading it. Every chapter came from a different character, using the Rashomon effect, to give different perspectives of the same event: from the daughter, the son, the husband, and the missing mom herself, and ended with an epilogue.

Short synopsis: Please Look After Mom is a stunning, deeply moving story of a family's search for their missing mother - and their discovery of the desires, heartaches, and secrets they never realized she harbored within.

It makes me question the silent sacrifices all mothers make for their families. Yes, you, your sacrifices for the well-being of your children - we all know about it, it is something expected from us, as a mother. I lie awake at night thinking whether I do enough. 

Random: You know, lately, Sofi has been having leg pain at night so I massage her legs before going to sleep while reading ayat2 pendinding with her. I'm assuming she is in another stage of her growth spurt, so she's eating a lot, started having growing pain and nighttime is a bit hard since these past few weeks. I explained to her last night that she is turning 5 soon, her body is changing and growing, so the leg pain is because her bones are getting longer and stronger. She became chatty and excited, instead of whiny, re-explaining to me that she is getting taller now and turning 5 soon, in 5 weeks ‪‪❤︎ ‬

-