Little Stories 286 : May Walks, Stories and Books

The Mini Date with Mini Me:

Picked her up early from her school after her school holiday camping activity and brought her jalan2, we went on a train ride but then she wanted to take a nap when she was in a moving vehicle (so macam pointless). Then Aja came by, so we went to Tamarind Square. Sofi wanted to see some books, then we went to see some pets, and I bribed her with a water cup from Mr DIY when her throat was making her feel uncomfortable and she started to ngada2 a bit and nak dukung.

Then I knew she was probably hungry, so we went to After Seven for their pizza. Sofi ate 2 slices of pizza and ice cream with lava cake (or something like that). I was a bit too overwhelmed to see the menu so Aja did everything. Hihu. Then she was fine and happy. Kan senang kalau lapar cakap lapar. 

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The Mini Date with Myself:

The next day, I went to KL to return the books that I borrowed more than 2 weeks ago. Kena denda 90 sen. I said that I was just going to return books and not borrow any more new books - but then I came back with more books. Then I had lunch in CM, and I went to MPH TRX to see their latest bookstore. But it wasn't that good. Sedih kan. 

I only walked around 10k steps that day, I think I need another long walk again super soon.

In BB area, I went to :

• BookXcess Fahrenheit
• Eslite Spectrum Starhill
• BX+ Pavilion 
• BookXcess Lalaport
• Books & Bobs GMBB
• BookXcess RexKL 
• Junk Book Store

Kira nya almost all big-sized bookstores in the main city center, I dah pergi explored on foot.  

So for me, the best bookstore is Kinokuniya KLCC, and the next one is Eslite in Starhill Bukit Bintang. 

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What I'm Watching: 'The Architecture of Love' & Series

A couple of weeks ago I went to the cinema and watched the TAoL. The movie isn't being promoted locally so you need to be aware of the release from social media, and they only made it available once every day in some of the cinemas. A bit of a hassle because there weren't that much of an option.

I watched the movie while I was on a painkiller, after my first consult with the dentist. So, I was mostly distracted by the things that just happened. 

It is a love story, and I'm not in the mood for a love story - so the timing isn't right. I enjoyed it, but not enjoy it as much as I should. The storyline seems typical, quotes are quite memorable, yeah, cuci mata tengok both Raia and River lah. 

Note: Except if it is Bridgerton, Shonda has a way to transport me into a love-fantasy realm and my female brain seems to enjoy the romance Bridgerton has to offer. Interesting. Interesting because I do have a normal female inclination towards the genre rupanya. I think it worked because men in real life aren't like that, and women can berangan je bila tengok the series, definitely written by women for women.

I watched Bridgerton macam ni ha :

And because I needed something solid and familiar, I'm rewatching Grey's Anatomy 'again' - now on season 2 and 20, both. 

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The Extraction, 30/5:

I cried inside, my hands were trembling, and the dentist asked whether it was painful - I said "No, just nervous, no pain". I can't forget the sound.

The pain is inside, inside my heart, because finally saying goodbye to something that is long gone is painful. 

For all this time, I kept it as my zombie molar, without any healthy nerves to keep it alive, it was dead a long before. And it finally came the time for me to say goodbye. So, I'm crying inside, because the pain is inside my heart. 

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I think, this month, twice, people said something like this to me:

I understand, that you are hard to leave from your comfort zone, and no one can't force you to. 

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Books in May :

• The Double by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
• The White Castle by Orhan Pamuk
• Walking by Erling Kagge
• The Cost of Living by Deborah Levy
• The Truth of Life Ahmed Hulusi
• The Power of Your Subconscious Mind by Joseph Murphy
• Islamic Philosophy by Oliver Lerman
• The Lying Life of Adults by Elena Ferrante 

Little Stories 285 : Just Ride the Wave

Last week was a tough week.

When I looked back, it was around the same week as last month - so, the hormonal imbalance was understandable, the anxiety, the indigestion, the fatigue, the lightheadedness, then came the toothache, plus taking care of Sofi's sickness the whole week while she's missing her out-stationed dadi were all challenging. 

When Sofi started to cry at night for missing Af, I had to decide on a plan to distract her, so we went back to my mom's for the weekend. Despite her having a fever and an infection (got tiny little ulcers in her throat) went to see a doctor who put her on antibiotics because her cough exceeded 2 weeks. The night she had the fever, she was delirious, it was scary, she did random odd things, talked gibberish, cried and she couldn't even see me. It happened many times, the final fit was the longest and I managed to calm her down eventually, we both fell asleep, exhausted. 

She was clingy and moody, she cried easily, and she had those cough-fit and night cries back the whole week. I didn't sleep well, I was miserable, exhausted, and nervous. During that time, I knew, I knew that I had to ride the wave until the sea calmed down. 

94:5 - 94:6

So, surely with hardship comes ease,

Surely with ˹that˺ hardship comes ˹more˺ ease.

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Here's the metaphor:

Anxiety is like the wave on the beach, sometimes it is big, sometimes it is small and sometimes it calms down. I am someone that just learn how to surf, so when the wave is huge, I fell down as much as any noob would. Even though I didn't want to be a surfer, I had to learn how to surf to survive the sea's nature. So, learning how to surf takes time, and for me, to be able to learn to ride well, I need to be on the surfboard and go with the waves, wherever it brings me. Even though I'm scared shit of the sea. 

Told my younger sister this, and she agreed - she dealt with anxiety longer than me due to her thyroid problem that has led to hormonal imbalance since her teenage years. She said, ride the waves reen, feel everything, the waves will calm down eventually.  

T^T

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Mini Rant:

I had to ask for help because I was struggling last week - but I don't like asking for help from my family because they looooove to call me 'weak and manja'. I told them that if it was not because of Sofi, I wouldn't even tell anyone anything, I would just probably be sick in a room alone the whole week. But, I had to be vulnerable and ask for help because now my life isn't all about me. I have a daughter, and it is different. 

So, weak or not, I had to tell my mom everything and ask for her help. I asked her to massage my palm when we were having dinner in the restaurant, because I was lightheaded and nauseous probably due to indigestion or anxiety, or both. I had to ask her to massage my body that night because I couldn't let the 'angin' out and I was in pain =.= Not my proudest moment, but my body is not always reliable, ok. When it happens, I just need a bit of an extra hand. 

And asking for help is supposed to be okay. 

Don't listen to your pride, especially if you are a Capricorn. Your ego won't bring you anywhere nice, sister.

 

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Note: Exactly a week later, I had my period. 

Kan.. kannnn.. the PMS is evil, I tell you.

Tooth Story - My Root Canal Tooth Came Back to Haunt Me

 

I love tootsie stories, huh.

2 nights of waking up due to toothache. I don't often have toothache because I don't think I left any cavities untreated - but this toothache came from the molar tooth that I had root canal treatment in 2020. It was agonizing - I couldn't eat or sleep. By the second day, I had already booked a consultation appointment at a clinic near my apartment for the next day. I woke up at 1 am and I had to take a painkiller to ease the pain (used my last migraine pill). I don't know how people choose to rather go through the pain over and over again than meet a dentist and get proper treatment. 

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At the clinic: Dr Smile Dental Equine Park

Scaling & polishing: I think it was a waste of money because my teeth weren't problematic and the doctor took around 5 minutes to clean up just some of the little cavities that I have. He thought I always do scaling - no, I can't even remember when was the last time I did that, but I floss every day, so that helped. 

Pain level: Almost none, price: RM 120

Xray :

Pain level: none, price: RM 50 (for one side)

How to read this x-ray: The whitish part on top of my molar is the crown, the whitish lines below it are the 'treated' nerves and the 'bubble' space below the right whitish nerve is the infection.

Dentist Consult: RM 30

I was asked to do an x-ray and the dentist confirmed that there was an infection below one of my nerves (from the root canal tooth). I asked what were the treatment options:

1. Redo the Root Canal - during this treatment, he will reopen the crown, remove the filling materials, and find the infected part to treat it. Then fill it back and put back the crown, but there is a possibility of another infection on other nerves in the future, of course.
2. Extraction - simply put, removing the whole infected molar. 

Based on my experience of having an almost dead molar for the past 3 years, I would pick the second option, which is an extraction. I would like to remove anything that is dying inside of me, and just let it go instead of letting it have a risk of multiple infections in the future. If it is unsalvageable, then I think it is time to say goodbye, I've held on to it for a while. This is a metaphor of my life :F

I am currently on antibiotics for the whole week, and by the end of the week, I will fix the date for my first tooth extraction. I will do a tooth-parting party before that to say goodbye to something that has been there for me for a long time T^T 

Options after the extraction :

1. Tooth implant - RM 5k+ , best longevity, independent, and most comfortable afterward, but costly and requires surgery
2. Bridge - RM 4.5k , a bit invasive for the healthy molars next to the missing tooth, they will begin to decay faster in the future, 5-15 years top
3. Single tooth denture - RM 1k, the most fussiest maintenance, but non-invasive
4. Do nothing and let it be an empty space

For this part, I haven't decided yet. But the dentist said that I could take time to think about the options, after the extraction. All options have both pros and cons, so I will do a thorough discussion with myself later. 

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It is a sad phase kan, saying goodbye to your permanent tooth.

But it is bound to happen eventually, I'm proud and thankful for how long it stayed with me ♥ 

Little Stories 284 : Little Mami's Stories

On Celebrating Mami's Day:

I just packed my bags and went to my mom's to stay over for the weekend. Sofi had a fever the day before so I decided to let her ponteng on Monday so that we would have an extra day to sleep over. There was not much planned, we just had walks in the mall and ate out, that's it. 

Chill day to spend with my mom and my daughter ♥

 

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Sometimes I feel like I'm getting more and more like my mom - which I ultimately avoided when I was younger. But lately, it feels like our lives mirrored one another, and there's a mutual understanding that we don't have to voice out in fear of getting into more arguments. I always ask myself, is it possible to live with her peacefully in one household? To have 2 queens in one home? How to find harmony in living with a strong complicated character? 

But lately, just lately, I've more understanding in the situation. I can sit in the audience's seat and watch the whole drama being presented on the stage - and say " I feel you ". I do. But as long as no one comes in my way and tries to mess with my seat, I'm ok. 

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Sofi vs The Worms

I decided to give Sofi Champs' deworm tablets for the first time. Around 30 hours later, she was nauseous and vomited 3 times in the car on her way back from kampung. She vomited again when she arrived, so we decided to go to the clinic to get it checked. The doctor said her abdomen felt okay, with no tenderness and no other symptoms, so it might be nothing serious. 

I tried giving her the medication for nausea, but she vomited again afterward. She couldn't even eat or drink anything, other than sipping some salt water. Later that night, she woke up to vomit again several more times, I persuaded her to try the nausea medication again (to the point of several briberies). Then after 4 am, the vomiting stopped. She probably vomited more than 10 times in 12 hours.  

The next day she was fine.

But she continued with watery-liquidy poops throughout the whole week. By day 7, she finally had a perfect normal stool again, and so I guess the worm-cleansing phase ended. For that, my friend, it was a nervous week for a first-time mami. Can't believe looking at a perfectly shaped stool would make me so happy. Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah.

Note: I've eaten deworm tablets many times, and there was nothing significant happened. But for Sofi, something had happened, they warned in the small paper in the box about the 'possible' side effects (May cause gastrointestinal disturbances, abdominal pain or upset, diarrhea, nausea or vomiting, headache or dizziness.) - never thought that would happen to Sofi though. 

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Sofi's Getting Self-Conscious

"Mami, mami, look at my ears mami"

"What"

"My ears are big mami, why mami, why my ears big?"

"You have dadi's ears, dadi's nose, and dadi's eyes, that's why. You have mami's hair and mami's fair skin. You look pretty in your big ears, that's okay". 

I always tease her ears because they are a bit protruding for her tiny delicate face.

Sorry, bb, mami won't tease you again.

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Sofi is still at the age where she calls banana a "babana" ♥

Little Stories 283 : We Choose Our Battle

Here is a post dedicated to nice vibes at Pizza Mansion BB after I walked from the event venue (8k steps!). It was late, and I was famished, so I just chose the spot because I was in the area but I had to wait for my brother to finish his shift. Ordered carbonara pizza and it was ready after 5 minutes, tried asking the guy to keep it until my brother arrived but the policy is they can't keep it, and can't reheat the pizza because it will overburn because they use a manual fire stove. 

So the pizza was just a bit warm when he finally arrived, dusty from all the bread flour.  

I did eat my lactase pill pre-pizza, and Moom's debloat later that night because I knew I would bloat and I did, later that Sunday morning. I felt somewhat awful but not as bad as usual, it was manageable - perhaps it was due to the mushroom, or the heavy cheese, only God knows. 

That's okay, it was for a special occasion, and I chose my battle. 

Tiny thanks to my brother for entertaining me while I'm not at my best :F 

May we fight, discuss, and argue as long as needed and we can be the whatever-I-don't-want-to-pretend self without ever having to lose one another over futile matters in life. 

Little Stories 282 : KLIF for the Second Time

On Saturday, I was supposed to go to the library again to return the books and get new ones. But on the way there while on the train, my tiny heart said that it was closed that day, so I checked on Google and I found out that it was closed (the first Saturday of the month). The instinct was right.

So I had to change my plan. I was contemplating whether I should go to find huge mahjong papers at the art store and a big brush to do painting exercises OR to go to KLIF which was held that weekend at GMBB. I was not mentally prepared to deal with the crowd, and it was a bit overwhelming to go there alone. But, I'm making an effort, right.

I chose to only have the goal of going to KLIF and improvise the plan from there. From MRT Bukit Bintang, I turned on my Moovit and followed the walking path (less than a 15-minute walk). But BB paths were sketchy, and I wasn't familiar with the new paths but I managed it somehow. I did the scariest part of walking in the BB area unattended, and I am so proud of that achievement. 

Next was buying the walk-in ticket for RM 15, and I did that too. Then I explored the 3 levels of the KLIF event twice, the crowd was a bit crazy, so sometimes I wore the mask, and sometimes I opened it because lemassss. I didn't stop at every booth, and when I felt too overwhelmed to make a conversation, I just chose to distance myself and watched from afar. It was like my personal social experiment, where I tested what level of discomfort I could manage in the said situation. 

Then I also tested, I greeted some people that I recognized, it was a struggle to keep a conversation with K from B&B because I think we are both introverts but I stayed the course and stayed until I didn't know what else to say, then I decided to say hi to LT (we both knew each other online), she was super excited and she naturally has great-people energy so that was super helpful and last one was Aa from SxP, we knew each other for years so that was okay as well. He has a good friendly vibe.

They asked me why I didn't participate (no KLIF, CAFKL, or CF since last year) - and I said that I needed some time to rest and find inspiration and that I was a bit burned out and couldn't produce anything that part, everyone understood. 

There were many great international artists that I adored, like Sarkodit, Nasaya Mafaridik, Sad Shrimps, Liunic, etc. But I just watched from afar, hihi. 

Did I get any inspiration? Daww, no. 

I guess I'm still in that depressive mode, but at least I tried. 

Anyway, good practice. 

Kudos to myself.

Little Thing 278 : The Repressed Feelings Part 2

 

TMI but Important to Remember:

I've been missing my period for almost 2 months (It was probably due to being underweight and stressed out and not eating much during Ramadhan). And so, I was trying my best, giving my whole effort in helping my body regulate all the imbalances that it was having these past few months. 

I'm making an effort:

Remember the crying week? (it was done, I cried, I let them out from the system). Then I went outside, I started walking, and in just a week, I walked for more than 40k steps, just to move, to manage the stress or whatever the things that I was hiding in the back of my mind. I went to find books at the library - the thing that I'm passionate about and I read (to feed my serotonin). Then I socialized - I went to Sofi's party, went out with my sister, had dinner with my brother, went back to Nilai, and scheduled a meetup with Ms Chin even though honestly, I didn't want to meet anyone. Then I went to the sukiyaki and yaniniku buffet to eat meat, when I didn't want to, because I thought my body needed it. Then I went for a massage to release the pain muscles last week and to continue with a better routine, I top up with morning yoga stretches these days and I dance because I'm making an effort. 

I was spiraling, my hormones were chaotic, I couldn't eat, I had constant indigestion and I was nervous all the time. BUT, I know our brains can be tricked into believing and adapting to anything. So, I'm making an effort. 

Go for that walk, go meet that friend, go do your thing, go feed your passion, go dance it out, go enjoy being you even when you don't want to. 

A week later, this morning, I finally had my period. 

See, most of the time the only person that can help you is YOU.  

Sometimes, I feel like I'm just a bit too old to be feeling or experiencing all these, kan. Macam sentiasa kena beringat then kena regulate emotion and take a mental note of these small little things yang boleh accumulate into a much bigger problem. Tapi yang membezakan keadaan ni dengan 10-20 tahun lepas adalah, the fact that you learned and supposed to use the things that you've learned when needed. Tapi kita manusia, selalu lupa, selalu abai sampai lah dah terlambat.

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But then, why do I write it all down here? 

I think we aren't used to sharing honest vulnerabilities with society. In social media, we choose to only share the good parts of us. Even though in reality we might be in constant pain, confused, feeling dejected, alone, scared, and fragile - we think we are alone, and we aren't supposed to share anything that resembles weakness. 

But we are not alone, and weakness is a part of us as humans. 

I think normalizing this is important because it stays with us all throughout our lives. 

I always voice out my vulnerability, and people do use that to point out my weaknesses back at me at times - and I do feel attacked when that happens. Perhaps I shared with the wrong people, or perhaps they just don't know how to use that information in a constructive way to help me. But I want to normalize this important part of being human.

For the sake of our mental health.

For perhaps in growing into a much better kinder human.