Little Thing 330: The Right Mix

Kadang-kadang I’m not sure how to do this parenting thing. Growing up, I was in quite a stressful environment where I didn’t really get to express myself. Looking back, I realize I learned to make myself small and invisible, too scared to create friction or drama. I developed this toxic habit of hiding in my cave.

So every time Sofi tests a boundary or tries to express herself, I find myself questioning what the right approach is. Do I limit her expression and create firm rules, or do I let her test things and learn through consequences? She’s at the age of trying out what she sees around her, experimenting with autonomy, learning how to express herself. With limited vocabulary and emotional awareness, rebellion can easily become her language.

And I remember, when I was growing up, I didn’t get the chance to be seen at all.

I wonder what the right mix is in shaping her personality, because every small influence wires her brain, at least during these formative years. But maybe the real work is not about controlling the mix. Maybe it’s about teaching her how to regulate her emotions, to name what she feels, and guiding her to process them. Hopefully, she will slowly grow into the best version of her own self. Kan. That’s something I only learned in my 30s, and I wish I had learned it sooner.

I don't know. 

She’s still at that age where she says, “Thank you, Mami. I love it.” 

And that warms my heart everytime, because I still struggle to express something that simple.

Little Thing 329: I'm Breathing Now

Last week, a lot happened. For one, I was asked to join my first networking event, maybe because I had avoided most events since I started working full-time again. So no excuse.

I was nervous, the kind of nervous with butterflies constantly in my stomach. The kind that made me cycle 70 km in a week just to manage it. The kind that made it hard to eat proper meals for several days, which then led to headaches. How annoying it is to be fully aware of my nervous system reacting like this and still not be able to chill, kan.

But I survived the networking event, with sweaty armpits and many moments of pretending to be busy. I survived submitting 15 drafts in 2 days, and 12 completed FA in 3 days as well as the interview meetings in-between. I survived the confrontations that really needed to happen. And I got the results for my big applications. I can come out from my cave now. I have no idea how I'm still functioning.

Last week was a marathon for my brain. My ChatGPT said I shouldn’t go to the gym anymore because I was “overstimulated” and that's why I don't feel hunger. What I needed was grounding, not more movement. Hah.

What I learned from the networking event is that I really don’t want to do networking. I thought I needed to socialize more to make my “presence” seen and maybe get more projects or something. But naw, I don’t like it. I don’t like going to events and talking about myself to strangers. I just want to do the work, sans the socializing :F I told S that I’d rather be in front of my laptop doing my work. Maybe the socializing part is just not meant for me. 

But next week, we have another session. This time I don't have to talk about myself to strangers, I just need to help around. So, it is not that bad. I'm breathing now, I've been holding my breath for awhile.

 

I'm breathing.