Books : About Books I Read in the First Half of 2021 & Existential Crisis

@elifrancis

Lately I've been reading a lot of books that is in the same group. In more than 25 books that I've read in the past 6 months, here are the collected books according to their category :

Soul searching / Journal / Self-reflection :

• The Pilgrimage by Paulo Coelho - I still don't quite like his style of writing in this book. This book is supposedly a book about his pilgrimage, but I just feel like it is a bit staged. If it is a self-discovery journal, I think he is supposed to write like writing a journal, but when we wrote it like he was telling a story, it is just feel like it is a bit exaggerated and fake because normal life is not like this. He wrote it like how people want to read a good story and I just feel like he should have just write a "fiction based on his pilgrimage journey", instead of 'his recollection of his journey".
• Journal of a Solitude by May Sarton - This is a solitude journal that I've enjoyed while I was cooking (I took several days to finish listening to the audio book). This is a good journal about self-discovery, the messiness of how our mind works, the life of an introvert. I can connect with her thoughts and writings, because I'm like her most of the time. 
• Being Peace by Thich Nhat Hanh - It is simple book, a practice into mindfulness. I listen to him when I feel jittery. 
• The Dhammapada - This is a collection of the saying of Buddha in short verse form. 
• The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran - I've read this 2-3 times, and still, I'm lost. Ha ha ha. 
• You, A Bike & A Road by Eleanor Davis - It's a novel graphic based on Eleanor's biking journey. I've reread it several times, and I still enjoy reading her journey. She showed her vulnerability, it makes her journey more relatable. 
• The Book of Manuals by Paulo Coelho - Another book that I've reread, but still can't quite like. I don't know, I just maybe don't like him as a person and I can't get over that judgement after reading his biography several years back. 
• The Art of Living by Thich Nhat Hanh - Same as his other book, I listen to him when I feel jittery. 

Self-help / Motivational / About Life / Parenting :

• Achtung Baby by Sara Zaske
• How to be Fine by Jolenta Greenberg
• The Rural Diaries by Hilarie Burton Morgan
• How to be Happy by Eleanor Davis
• Everything is Fucked - A Book About Hope by Mark Mason
• The Upside of Being Down by Jen Gotch
• Hoe to Stay Sane by Phililla Perry
• Ikigai by Marie Xue
• Your Sacred Self by Wayne W Dyer
• How to be The Parent You Always Wanted to Be by Adele Faber
• Heart Talk by Cleo Wade
• It's Okay to Laugh by McInerny Purmot

Fictional:

• Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami
• Two Stories by Sally Rooney
• Normal People by Sally Rooney

I've always love to listen to self-help/motivational books. A lot of people feel like these books are a bit preachy. But for me, I've always needed the reminder especially since I've become more anxious about everything. Listening to their soothing reminders help me a lot on daily basis. You can try listening to Thich Nhat Hanh while you are jittery and you'll know what I mean. 

These books are more direct in telling us something, you don't really have to use your imagination. It's like being in a conversation with someone that cares or try to care. You can either listen and accept or just reject them, it is as simple as that. 

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When I'm feeling okay, I prefer fictional stories with deeper messages about life in general. Finding books in this category is a bit hard. I haven't found good books in this category yet this year. Example of books :

• Life of Pi by Yann Martel
• 1984 by George Orwell
• Siddhartha by Herman Hesse
• The Little Prince by Antoine Exupery

Honestly I think I'm having an existential crisis. I'm questioning everything in my life, the meaning of it all, whether all of these are just a futile effort for us to be the best version of ourselves, whether I'm having enough time, whether I'll be lost forever. That's why I started having anxiety. I know I've been 'searching' for almost all my adult life, but the difference between then and now is, I have such an abundance of time to focus on this crisis because now I'm not working and I'm only focusing on taking care of Sofi, so I don't really have other distraction. 

In managing my anxiety and the 'searching' process, these are the things that help me :

• You can try to listen to Russell Brand's youtube channel to watch his interviews with great people that talk about this. Not all of his content is 'good' because he talks about so many issues, but you can choose to be open-minded and pick yourselves the topics that you are interested in just to hear other people's thought on it. 
• I try to meditate at least 10 minutes after my prayer, deep breathing and calm my thoughts down.
• I listen to soothing reminders for example from Thich Nhat Hanh (from Scribd) or Therapy in a Nutshell  (on Youtube)
• I don't take caffeine anymore, limit my sugar intake and anything that will upset my stomach (like dairy foods because I'm lactose intolerance)
• I try to walk at least 20 minutes per day / I do yoga stretches for 30 minutes / or HIIT training for 15 mins
• I try to sleep in by 11 pm, I don't do all-nighter. My anxiety gets really bad if I sleep poorly.
• I read before sleep and I put on my oil diffuser with chamomile and lavender, to wind down. I turn off my phone's wifi at night as well. 
• I read a lot nowadays. 

Reading gives me a sense of purpose. I can't wait for libraries to open and I want to borrow a lot of classics because these books usually offers the best philosophical fictions, plus, I don't want to collect books anymore. Except for books that I'm going to reread. 

Here is my shopee for preloved books.

I hope you've been reading too. 

Little Things 246 - One of the Chapter in my Life

@linalitvina

I know I hardly write anything since I had Sofi because I couldn't find the time or the silence to write. Writing is a privilege, to write something, I will need to listen to my thoughts, I will need a total silence, I will need an empty room. 

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I am a sensitive person. I can feel other people's energy or aura or whatever you want to call it. It's not that I can 'listen' to other people's thoughts, it's usually just a bunch of noises like the static in the old tv after 12 am. Those noises make me hard to focus on the thought process before I write. I know it seems like a bunch of excuses to not write, but I just can't seem to find the time to focus anymore.

Having Sofi brought so much tumult and energy of a toddler in our lives. Her needs of attention, her burst of tantrums, her cheeky dances, her playtime, everything revolves around her. Having her grow up in a 1,200 sq ft apartment wall during a pandemic while we are both trying to make a living, is a very challenging quest. Not impossible, but just as challenging as running an ultra-marathon because we don't know when the pandemic will end, it might take longer than we expected and we are all burned out. We haven't been out much since I had Sofi, that means it's almost 2 years for now.

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So writing has always been my way of processing my thoughts all throughout my life. It's my solace, it's my therapy. If there is one thing that I can leave in the internet void for eternity, it would probably be this blog. I left so much emotions here. 

If this is a chapter in a book, I would want to mention these things as a summary :

• The pandemic has started around 15 months back in Malaysia. But we are just starting the vaccination process last month, Af has registered for Astra-zeneca slot next week and I will try to find a slot after his vaccination.
• We are in the midst of protesting about the Palestinian occupation by the government in Israel. The people all around the world is educating themselves about the issue and we are trying to push for a change. It is not a new news, but for the first time we can see the whole world is pushing it together, and there might be hope. 
• Sofi is turning 2 in 2 months. She still hasn't call me or Af yet, hardly any words to communicate with us. But I noticed that she has started to mimic animal noises (like "sss" for snake, and also animal sounds for elephant or horses) and whispered some words (like "kaa" for car, "baa" for sheep, "baa" for ball and bye, "buh" for blue). I try not to worry so much about this even though I am.
• I haven't been working since March due to my second anxiety episode. Since then, I've been taking care of Sofi, been to therapy once, and currently working to process my thoughts in a healthier way. It's getting tough in May because the Covid cases are rising up to 6,500+ cases daily and in any day now the government should call out for full-PKP.
• I've been slowly creating a capsule wardrobe but due to the pandemic, I still haven't been able to try it out in public yet. I'm in my mid-30s now, I think it is time to feel comfortable in my own skin.
• I finally finished reading Killing Commendatore - it was a really slow read (just like IQ84, I took more than 6 months!) I've finished 14 books to count, and currently reading 3-4 books at the same time depending on my mood. 

 @thetonik_co

Stay safe, avoid passing negative energies to others,

read a lot and try to stay calm.

Little Story 235 : When You Think That You Were OK

Lately I've been feeling good, I haven't had any anxiety episodes for awhile. I think I managed to re-wire my brain to calm down.

I was constantly feeding myself with the Palestine-Israel war issue lately, I think I can 'manage' those overwhelming news. We also got covid-scare 3 days back when my sister accidentally been in a lift with a covid-positive person early this week (and she's been staying at my house), so we've been quarantining ourselves and hopefully that the 2 weeks will be over soon without anyone catching covid. I also manage to calm my brain about the possibility of the whole family catching covid. I don't even want to go 'there' again.

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It was raining this morning. Cold calm morning.

I really wanted a cup of coffee, it has been awhile since I had coffee. 

It's the second day of Raya, and I told Af that I really wanted a coffee although it is highly unadvisable for anyone with anxiety to drink coffee. But I had been feeling 'fine' and I told him it would be like a 'test'.

Photo by Steve Harvey

And so I ordered one tall cup of mocha latte that costed me RM 25 because I had to change it to decaf to avoid caffeine and also change the milk to soy because I am also lactose intolerant. I enjoyed the tall cup of hot coffee. It was lovely.

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In the afternoon, I started feeling jittery. 

I tried to calm myself down, but I failed. My body felt different, I was having a mild diarrhea, feeling nauseous and gassy. My body felt cold and uncomfortable. But there wasn't milk in my drink, remember? I changed it to soy, and this jittery can't be because of caffeine, because I changed it to decaf.

But I kept on having a hard time focusing, my breathing was disturbed, and my hands were shaky. I had to lie down, Af helped massage my feet with the anxiety relieve massage oil and I had a nap. When I woke up, I still felt uncomfortable. 

During the 'episodes', there are phases of worries. There is the mild ones like jittery and there is the scary ones like panic attacks. It comes like a wave and usually it won't be rationale, I won't be myself. I can't really control it and it would be really scary. I will just have to ride the wave until it is over, until my brain calms down. 

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Whether it is because of the coffee, or the constant news feed about the world, right now I just need to have the coffee out of my system. So I'm drinking a lot of water to wash this out, I'm going to be away from the social media this whole week, and I am going to focus on re-wiring my brain. 

I don't think I'm healed, yet.

Work Related : The Collaboration with Sudio Sweden

 

I got this Sudio Nio wireless earphone last month and been using it to replace my Samsung Buds that I passed to my mom. Sudio Nio is a more affordable quality wireless earphone with battery that can last up to 20 hours (at least 3 long audio books). I rarely need to charge my earphone now. I'm not going back to normal earphone since I got Sofi and she can't see wires hanging from my ears :F

For this collaboration, I got a 15% promo code : AZR15 that you can use on their website.

Just add my promo code and 15% will be deducted, like this :

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Quite easy to use, just turn on your bluetooth on your laptop or smart phone and connect to your Sudio. I bring it anywhere. My favorite place to use is in the kitchen, while cooking :D

I think I've listened to more than 50 audio books since I used wireless earphone. Of course I wanted an Apple Airpods but I need a more affordable option and I'm glad Sudio found me ❤ Now we are bestfriends. 

They are also offering free delivery worldwide and 3 years warranty when you purchase and register to their Sudio Sphere. 

Note : I'm not getting any commission when you use this promo code AZR15 , the promo code is just made for you to use okay :) 

Little Story 234 : My Friend, Anxiety

I found out the reason of my sickness in mid-Jan and early March. It was due to the physical symptoms of anxiety. Yes, my friend, those bad incidents were due to anxiety. 

Image by Pricilla Du Preez

So after my 2nd 'episode' in March, I did a full body checkup. I was fully convinced that something was wrong with my body. But apparently, nothing was wrong, the doctor said that my organs are functioning well, everything was fine except for a little spike in my cholesterol level (he suggested that we change our diet and lifestyle). I told the doctor about all my physical symptoms. But from the long health report, everything was fine. So next was my mental health. The doctor wrote a referral letter and suggested me to go to Psychiatrist Department in Serdang Hospital. 

I went to the Serdang Hospital the next day to get a date for my appointment but the man at the counter read my referral letter and suggested me to get a referral letter from KK instead. So I went to KK on the same morning, booked for an entrance for that afternoon, got in and I had to do an online DASS (Depression-Anxiety-Stress Scale) test and yes, my result was 'extreme anxiety' and 'medium stress' - no depression. The doctor wrote me another referral letter, I went to the Serdang Hospital again and got my appointment date in April (a month from that day). 

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I did a lot of research after that. I educate myself about anxiety, the physical symptoms, the science behind it, what I should and should not do, how to manage the attacks, how to survive it, the moral support, etc. 

I might not be aware of how stressed I was for the whole year since covid, surviving financially, working while taking care of Sofi, trying to juggle everything, worried about the world, perhaps I didn't listened to my mind and keep on pushing myself. Maybe I've been struggling to keep up and the way that I manage my stress isn't that healthy. I'm not sure because I never noticed how stressed out or anxious I was all this time. 

Soon after my unofficial diagnose and my awareness of the anxiety, my physical symptoms slowly stopped and recovered. But I started becoming anxious and jittery, every day. There are good days and there are not so good day. I struggled every day. I can't seem to focus, I became restless. 

I am so insecure. This is not who I normally is, I think of myself as a strong-willed person, or so I thought. 

These are new feelings for me. 

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Anyway, moving forward, a month passed. My appointment was on Monday this week. I waited 3 hours for my turn, I read many chapters of the book that I brought. Then I finally met the doctor, told my story and she suggested me to take a medication. But I asked for another option other than medication. 

She said another option is a counselling, how to cope with anxiety. She said I could try that for 2 months and see how it goes. She doesn't really say 'therapy', but she called it a counselling session. I am not sure what's the difference. So next week, I'll have my first counselling session in a different department.

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I am now living with anxiety. 

I really hope I can recover fully. I love my clear mind, I think that was my strongest suit, but this anxiety has clouded all the things I love about thinking. 

Little Story 233 : Currently Sick Again

I fell sick again, today is the 10th day and I finally can walk and sit at my desk. 

I've been bedridden for a week, feeling awful, feeling so weak I couldn't talk or eat solid food. I was just so weak. I cried during those hard times, when I was just laying down on my bed and couldn't think of anything other than feeling really exhausted. This isn't a normal exhaustion that will go away when I rest, it is just there, exhaustion, can't even think about anything. Everything was clouded by this.

Af helped me during these hard times, he did everything around the house (while working full time). He cooked, cleaned up the house, took care of Sofi and me. Everything. We brought his computer and desk to our bedroom so that I won't be alone all the time.

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My other symptoms are : heart palpitation, laboured breathing, hands shaking, feeling cold, bloated and nauseous. 

This is the continuation of the last incident in January. But we knew what was happening this time and we knew what to do. I started back on my recovery meals. Tried to consume everything good from the nature. Trying to survive feeling awful. Scared most of the time because my body wasn't cooperating.

I am setting up for a full body checkup this weekend. 

I hope it is nothing serious, or at least get an answer to all these.

Little Story 232 : Having a Strong Support System

It is important to have a strong support system. 

I feel like this is one of the bad side of being physically healthy almost all my life, I took my health and time for granted. I thought I don't really need a strong support system. 

https://unsplash.com/@jhvisuals_de

But when I fall sick, Af had to focus on taking care of Sofi and I was put on quarantine alone in different room. I was sick to the point that I can't do anything. We had to ask for my brother and his friend, we also had to contact my dad and stepmom for help as well (because they live near our house). 

They took care of everything. Brought me to the hospital, bought groceries, prepared recovery meals, advised me on stuffs. My mom and other siblings send us foods from afar because it is still the lockdown and they can't cross-the-border to visit. My dad and stepmom took turn to feed me foods and drinks when I was too unwell to feed myself, and I've never felt so low in my life.  

This incident taught me about what I've been taking for granted.

The good health, the strong body, the time and the energy. 

I'm grateful for my families and close friends, for my Patreon for the understanding and the supports. 18 days has passed, and I'm still slowly recovering. Last night and almost this whole morning I was bedridden, waiting for some energies to kick-in. I started my recovery meals back again after stopping yesterday (I thought I was well enough to have a normal day). 

But I'm not. 

I'm still weak, and I need to remind myself this. That my body needs time to heal, and it is okay to take it slow. 

Little Story 231 : The Game that Taught Me About Life

I started playing games on Apple Arcade last month (trial version).

While I was recovering, I tried Outlanders.

Basically Outlanders is a town-building simulation. You'll be the leader in a town, with your town people, resources and different goal for each level. Some leaders want to reach certain success, or population, etc. In the game, I am to decide which sector to focus on, to make sure the people are happy, enough foods and houses and also populating (as well as reaching the goal, of course). 

I am currently stuck at level 7 - Diana because it is so hard to meet the goal (which is to have at least 70 town people in less than 60 days with really limited resources. Tried it several times with different approaches and I am still failing).

I like the game and didn't like being stuck on level 7, so I decided to start sandbox level. Sandbox level is an isolated testing environment, you have no time constraints. 

I picked an island with lots of resources, started with limited population, and no goals. Just for the pure fun of playing a game.  

My island started nicely, resources were abundant, people are happy so they started populating. I had to spread my town people to collect more foods, and at the same time to cut more trees to make more houses and offer more jobs. Some people collect forest mushrooms, some people work at the mine, some people cut the trees and turn the logs into planks. At some point, I can't keep up with the increasing population, so forest foods are sometimes scarce, I had to cut more tree, turn the land into farms, collect veggies for foods and turn wheat into bread, for alternative food source. People aren't happy, so I built a tavern, and candy factory for the children. Population increases, babies are being born, people are dying from hunger and old age, a repetitive cycle. 

Everything is linked.

Forest mushrooms need tree to grow, human need tree to make houses. No houses mean people aren't happy, so they stop populating. Less trees means less food resources, so I need to build more farm for more foods. 

It never stop.

It was never enough.

My town people started from 4 people to more than 200 people. 

The once beautiful forest island turned into a busy town. 

No forest, no stones, no land. 

I felt sick.

This is what we are doing to the the world, isn't it.

We keep on wanting more, taking more from the earth's resources. 

More, more, more.

We are such a selfish beings. 

We don't give back to the earth, we don't take care of other creatures, animals lost their homes and foods, they are getting extinct, plants are dying, lands are limited. The climate change is real, and human, are still populating the earth, like we actually own it. 

I can't stop thinking about this since then.

Little Story 230 : I Fell Terribly Sick and I Want to Remember This

I am overwhelmed by the things that happened this past 2 weeks. 

I fell sick and here is my story :

• 19/1 - I had a hard time breathing, cold sweat, heart thumping.
• 20/1 - I took my 1st covid swab at a clinic near my house and tested negative.
• 23/1 - I had another attack (hard time breathing, that lead to exhaustion and I hyperventilated because I didn't know what was happening. Af called an ambulance, I was taken in, did all basic medical checkup : blood test, EKG, x-ray, and all came out okay. I even had to take pregnancy test - it was negative. I was discharged that night).
• 24/1 - The next day I was a bit too weak. I stayed bedridden the whole day, hardly eating because I was too weak. I was scared and too tired to do anything, breathing was hard, doing anything was hard. On bed the whole day.
• 25/1 - My condition got worse. I can't speak, I can't eat, my breathing was slow, but my heart was thumping hard. Fatigue. No one didn't know what to do, everyone was worried. They called an ambulance again. I was taken in, and had to do the same checkup. Took my 2nd covid swab test - negative. The doctor taught me how to control my breathing if the heart-thumping happens again and she reminded me to push myself to eat to recover.
• 26/1 - I started my recovery plan. I push myself to eat and drink the whole day (every 4 hours). I was still bedridden, but I can now eat liquid meals. Every time my heart thump hard, I try to meditate and focus on proper slow breathing. Still too weak the whole day.
• 27/1 - I got a bit stronger than days before. I started eating some solid meal. I went to the hospital again to take another covid swab test for my release from quarantine on the 30th. Heart thumping on random occasions, every time it happened, I laid down and focused on my proper breathing.
• 29/1 - Got my result, still negative covid. Still on recovery meals.
• 30/1 - Had my hospital's quarantine bracelet (gelang pink) removed. Tired on most occasions, resting a lot, still on my recovery meals.
• 31/1 - I swept the house for the first time since I first fell sick. I sat at my working table - just for 1/2 hour. I rested the whole day. Still weak on random occasions, still on recovery meals.  

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So these are the things that happened to me.

I fell sick. The worst one that I have ever felt, I was on ambulance twice, stayed at the hospital twice, hard to breathe, can't eat, can't speak, can't think, did 3 covid swab tests, felt like dying, didn't touch my husband or Sofi since then, bedridden for days, quarantined alone in my room, and recovering alone in my room.

It was really bad. I really felt like there was something huge happening.

Not sure what really trigger this. The doctor said everything during the checkups were normal. But I know I wasn't well and it wasn't just 'stress' or 'tiredness', because it can't be it.

But I was really pushing myself to recover, pushed myself to gain some energy T^T And I'm so grateful that things are okay now, that I'm recovering.

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Here are my recovery meals (almost every 4 hours) :

• Honey + warm water
• 1 spoon of virgin coconut oil
• Coconut water throughout the day (1 coconut per day)
• A bowl of blended soup (potato, meat, broccoli, tomato, +any mix veggies)
• Dates (kurma) / banana (whenever needed)
• 2 boiled eggs (in the morning)
• I glass of less sugar Milo (in the morning)

I've been eating/drinking this diligently. When I missed my meal by the hour, my hands will start shaking and I will start getting weak and tired. So I just had to push myself to consume these foods even if I don't feel like eating anything.

All these foods gave me strength and I'm sure it helped me recover fast from the fatigue.

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I've never felt this sick and weak ever before.

And it was terrifying.

But I'm recovering now and I am getting stronger. Please pray for my fast recovery and I hope you are in good health and please take a good care of your health (it's never too late to start a good diet and exercise).

Note : This post was taken from my Patreon post 2 days ago.

Pregnancy Story : FPP Experience in Putrajaya Hospital 2019

This is my FPP experience in 2019.

Full-paying patient or FPP is a program where we can choose to pay for a 1st class service with a choice of specialist in hand (copy-pasted from their website). I wanted to share about this because I researched a lot of blogs when I was pregnant with Sofi and I found the reviews were so useful. So here's my input :

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I chose the FPP program because I wanted to really have a spot at the hospital when the time comes and I wanted to choose my own specialist. It was my first pregnancy and everything was really scary, so I needed to have the comfort of knowing who would handle the delivery and I needed to have Af by my side (all the time). I can't imagine having to deal with it alone :F Heard a lot of stories about that from public hospital experiences. 

I made my first booking through the phone when my pregnancy reached the 2nd trimester. I made an appointment with the doctor of my choice; Dr Hamidah at Hospital Putrajaya. My first appointment was scheduled for May 2019 (my delivery was due in July 2020).

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First appointment: When we first came, we had to register as FPPatient (fill in a form) and make a payment of RM 235 (including registration, consultation, and scan). Then I had to take a number at the gynecologist counter and did a urine test. Then the waiting began. Meeting the doctor was quick (maybe around 10 minutes if you don't have many questions), updated her on my case, did a scan to check on the baby, and set for the next appointment. That's it - it took around almost 3 hours.

We did 3 compulsory checkups before the delivery date. 

38th week: I met my doctor and we decided on the procedure, the date, and the time to induce the baby - because I have gestational diabetes so we can't postpone or wait for long (everything needed to be planned). We decided to have a natural birth. 

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This is what happened on the day (based on my previous post) :

When we reach Hospital Putrajaya :

• I registered (it was at midnight)
• The nurses asked me to change to their hospital clothes
• They took some blood, checked my pulse, and put something like a belt on my tummy to check the baby's heart rate and my contraction level (the nurse mentioned that my contraction was really intense and how was I holding up ? - it was mostly around 80%+ )
• It was late at night, so there wasn't any doctor around except an intern. 2 intern doctors tried to do a vaginal examination on me and weren't sure how dilated I was =.= ( It was around 1 cm ). 
• I was admitted and sent to a room (shared with another woman with a newborn baby). Af came to the room later with my bags.
• I didn't sleep much, it was an intense night. My contractions were strong and long, I remember holding on to AF, tears falling down on my cheek without I realized I was crying, silently. I guess I was in pain.
• Morning came, and I was exhausted. The nurse checked my blood pressure and my contraction level. The nurse asked me to walk around the corridor, so I spent the morning walking. 
• At 3 p.m., I finally met my doctor. She did another vaginal examination, it was only 3 cm. I'm not sure if I'm right, but she had to do a 'membrane sweeping' to help induce the labor. In this procedure, the doctor wore a glove and swept the inside of the cervix in a circular motion to stretch it out. It was so painful. This was the most traumatic moment during my whole stay at the hospital. I cried afterward because I felt somewhat abused (by the procedure). Later I decided to take an epidural as the doctor suggested because the doctor said that "the delivery will be much much worse than that pain that you just felt". Hah.
• Things moved fast after 3 pm, I was already 24 hours into contraction. They took me for an epi and prepared me, I waited in the labor room shaking (because I was cold due to the epi and had really strong surges), they also gave me something on a drip to induce the labor and they broke my water as well. Most of the time I was just trying to follow the surges. Already too tired to function, I haven't eaten for so long. Oh, was the Epi shot painful? Not so - for me. I'm used to taking shots because I donated blood many times. 
• At 8 p.m., the doctor came. I think Sofi came out in less than 10 minutes *with the doctor's help. She vacuumed the head because I was losing it. I became too tired, I knew to push when they asked me to push, but I didn't know how far I go - with Epi, I don't really feel the piercing pain, just a lot of painful pressure.
• By the time they put Sofi on my tummy and she cried, I was too tired, I couldn't open my eyes. 
• They took Sofi out to clean her, and Af was asked to wait outside. He said he probably waited for 30 - 60 mins, he wasn't sure. I delivered the placenta, and the doctor stitched and cleaned me up. I can't remember much because I was groggy but I was awake for the whole procedure.
• I didn't see her again until they cleaned us up, then the nurse passed Sofi to Af for him to sing iqamat to her and passed it to me so I could 'try' to breastfeed her (guided but it was so hard). 
• Then I was wheeled to my room back with Sofi in my hand :D

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About money :

First appointment: RM 235 (including registration, consultation, and scan)

Monthly checkup consultation fees: RM 100 or RM 60 for the repeat cases, and maybe more if you need to do a checkup scan.

You'll need to put in a deposit of RM 3,000 upon your admission, be ready if there are extra fees that you'll need to pay once you are released, and don't worry you'll get back the balance if it doesn't reach RM 3,000.

Normal delivery : RM 1,200 - RM 3,000

Caesarean : RM 3,500 - RM 4,900

I checked the detailed receipt and here's the information if you are curious about the payment, I was curious when I was pregnant and I was really worried if it would go over our budget. But it didn't.

During the hospital stay :

Admission fees: RM 10

First class (double beds): RM 300 per day x 2 = RM 600

Labor room delivery: RM 250

Consum/disposables: RM 84.60

Pharmacy: RM 94.30

Consultation fees (ward visit): RM 60 x 3 = RM 280

Consultation fees (ward visit) - after office hours: RM 120 x 3 = RM 360

Procedure :

Cardiotocograph : RM 30 x 2 = RM 60

Cervical ripening (sweep & stretch) = RM 30

Epidural: RM 300

Vacuum delivery: RM 750 

Full Blood Count - Follow up: RM 30 

Total: RM 2,748.90 

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About the room :

We didn't choose the room, I think they just put us by availability at that time. When I was admitted that night, I got the double-bed twin room with a personal toilet that I shared with another lady with a newborn baby. We hardly see each other because of the curtain, so we had privacy during the whole agonizing night. 

Sure, it was comfortable and Af could even stay and sleep next to me on the chair. But we didn't rest much because of the contractions. So the staying experience was a bit blurry in my memory. Now that I can think about that back, I realize that what we had was pretty comfortable. Love the privacy, the personal toilet, the space, and the calm environment. The nurses were always there outside our room. I forgot about the food because those parts are also a bit blurry. The best part was Af, he could stay with me almost all the way (except when I had procedures before the delivery and also some checkups ).

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Pro :

• You can choose your specialist who will be handling you throughout the pregnancy, delivery, and post-delivery
• First class ward - I can't compare because it was my first experience staying in a hospital but my KK experience kinda warned me about the public hospital :F 
• Your husband can stay with you through the night
• You can choose your procedure, and the doctors will guide you. 
• Great services, nice doctors and nurses. They will guide and help you when needed.
• You can choose for female specialist if she is not fully booked. 
• Oh, people mentioned that you can pick your food - yes, there are some options to choose from, but when I stayed there, food wasn't my priority at all. I can't remember much about the food. 

Cons :

• Every single thing will be charged in full, but it is not as expensive as compared to private hospitals. So if you have the budget, go for it. 
• No children below 12 - so if you have other children, they can't visit you.
• You need to book early, good timing is when you just entered the second trimester

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How to :

• 'Walk in' or enquire at the FPPS counter
• Call them: 03-83124316
• Sending email: hpj_info@hpj.gov.my

Note: I called them when my pregnancy reached the second trimester, asked them questions, chose a specialist, and agreed to book an appointment when my pregnancy reached the third trimester. You need to book it early to ensure that you'll have a spot. You need to know your estimated due date (edd) as well - it is needed to set your date of appointment.