Tiny Thoughts : All things random in my life

• Writing: Other than my personal blog, I write as a Chief Designer of Fin.my at: Fin's Medium, although I have my own personal Medium as well but I haven't written anything except replying to Mike Posner's posts and liking other people's articles on weekly basis. Note: I write at Medium when I put on my nerd hat.     

• Data: My new hard disk, Mr. Buffalo *barely 4 months where I kept all data: works, projects, portfolios, inspiration, writings, downloaded vectors, and pictures were taken since 2009, was having a hard time performing since it fell down flat on the floor. I tried to copy all the files *worth 200gb for the longest 5 weeks before any of my computers can no longer detect it. I went to the shop again with the hard disk and the receipt so they can send it back to the factory to get it fixed *3 years of warranty and the guy said that all files were corrupted - with no luck in retrieving anything. In 2 minutes, he wiped out all the data when I said 'ok'. 2 short freakin' minutes. So I lost all my pictures, the ones that I kept since 2009. What did I learn from this? I should have at least 2 backups, not 1 & don't ever trust ONLY ONE DEVICE to keep all your data - ever and print out pictures that I want to keep for the future. T^T 

• Books: New books coming up (they are still fresh on shelves, not even in the paperback edition yet): The Spy by Paulo Coelho, Three Daughters of Eve by Elif Shafak, Absolutely on Music by Haruki Murakami, The Magic String of Frankie Presto by Mitch Albom, Small Great Things by Jodi Picoult. I'm going to buy all these books once they are available in paperback versions, or should I really consider converting to an e-book reader on Kindle (?). This year I only managed to read: 20 books only! - this includes a lot of audiobooks and graphic novels, so I cheated!

• Series: And have you watched the Gilmore Girls revival? I've waited 9 years for this T^T I missed them so dearly, so I didn't wait long to watch the whole 4 hours short series after they were released. It felt more like a new series just about to come out than a continuation of the old series. Not sure whether I'm still in Team Jess or whether I should think like a 30-year-old now and be in Logan's team. When I was much younger, I know I would opt for Jess over and over but now I'm older, I'm a bit realistic when it comes to the choice of father-husband material. Ha.

• 30 days challenge: My current challenge is to digitize everything in my sketchbook for at least 1 page, daily. By the end of my 30 days challenge, I should at least have enough for my first printed zine. I still have time for my Saturn returns !! :F

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Little Thing 223 : Pokemon Gooo o o

I was born in the 80s, so when Pokemon fever had just arrived in Malaysia in the 90s, my siblings and I were among all the kids 'affected' by the anime. We watched the anime, read the comic, collected the small figurines, sang along to their theme song, watched the first few movies repeatedly, played the game on Gameboy console, and I even finished Pokemon Red + Silver until the very last battle. Yes, I was that dedicated.

But as a kid - and all through my teenage years, that was our 'thing'. It did took a lot of my time, I did stayed in after school to hunt for pokemon and train them all for those battles. But, as normal as anyone who plays game, we should fairly understand that the fever will last depend on the person - some will probably are just not interested, some will play half-way through and some, like me, will spend a LOT of our time finishing up the game. 

But a game, is just a game. 

I had my time, so when the fever strikes again now during my late 20s - I didn't even flinched. I'm not excited, there's no point for me to use my time again to catch all the Pokemon that I caught 15 years ago. Even though they are now in AR world where we can see it in 3D, it still feels like a repetitive game. I already played it twice, I can't put myself in that position again. 

I'm not sure why the world has suddenly put a lot attention in the game until people feel there's a need to put a religious rule on it. How can it be possible for people to say something is haraam just because of all this hype? Can you imagine if for example, my sister downloaded it and caught like 3 pokemons, and rarely open it and suddenly my mom saw her playing the game on just random event when she was bored - and because of the ridiculous new rule she read on shared Facebook post, my mom scolded her for committing a sin =.= Because all mak-mak really like sharing stuffs on social media and believe them all word-by-word. This wouldn't be the first time I argue with my mom about shared posts on social media. Haiyooh.

For me, a game is still a game - any game can affect the player depend on how they decide to play it. It is the same concept. As an ex-gamer, I wouldn't judge other gamers - I just hope they can use their time wisely and play the game moderately. 

These are the points they claimed :

• Bahaya dari segi pengintipan pihak luar 
• Pencerobohan ruang peribadi 
• Faktor keselamatan seperti kemalangan 
• Kelalaian 
• Ketagihan melampau terhadap gajet 
• Kehilangan fokus terhadap realiti sekeliling 
• Gangguan emosi seperti mudah marah akibat kekalahan - what?
• Membawa kepada akhlak yang buruk 
• Ancaman kepada pekerjaan dan pelajaran

As one of the Pokemon gamer 15 years ago that spent 3-6 hours everyday training and hunting for Pokemon, I can conclude that it did took a lot of my time, but everything turned out just fine. My exam results turned out good and my state of mind was just fine. Ditto both my younger siblings and the kids in our neighbourhood.
We had our time. It was all just a game.

Note : The fever was expected, but the new religious rule was not.

Random : You

I taught him a little bit of basic yoga stretches and he taught me a little bit of basic parkour. We ended our outing session with jogging up and down the stairs, reaching from one point to another. I guess that's how people adapt to each other's liking, by opening up to those things that makes them happy, by trying and learning these new things.  

As he would read my books, as I would watch him play games, 

as he would eat foods that I cook, as I would drink his morning coffee.

❤

Image from Pinterest.

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Random : Song from the past

Maybe I'm just too affected by the story, that even half a year after I watched this, I still feel like something is crushing in my heart when I listen to this song. T^T Maybe it's the idea of not having enough time to be around with someone you love for long and you'll promise to meet again in the next life. Or the thought of having to repeat it all over again, just for another one of those countless endings. 

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Beautiful angel 

Pulled apart at birth 

Limbless and helpless 

I can't even recognize you 

I think you're crazy, maybe 

I will see you in the next life

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Little Things 197 : Big

Even after 28 years, I am still surprise by :

• how open people can be in judging and putting labels on someone else like we have the right to do so,
• how no one seems to see this so called nationalism and individualism are making us arrogant and dividing us human into as much divisions as we can create,
• how rude and blatant people can be in spreading rumours and negativity through social media,
• how people don't realize that label, title and self-created ranking never really put anyone anywhere,
• how fast we can think and type and share without thinking about the consequences to other people,

I'm still surprise by so many little things and I heard people said before, 

those little things are actually things that matters to you. 

This post is inspired by Newsfeed in my Facebook, Diva Azwan, political uproar, and current social media posts.

Image from Pinterest

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Little Things 196 : Believe

I believe in the small things I randomly write in my book, in the unfinished stories, in those drafted posts, in those repetitive shots in my mind that still waiting to be written down. I believed in the whole process of reading and more reading, and buying books that I don't have enough time to read. I believe in being surrounded by people who write for a living. I believe in those short moments of hiding in the toilet, or while waiting for my husband to arrive, or when the euphoric caffeine-effect kicks in.

I believe that some people just enjoy writing as it is. 

And those promises of finishing up a piece are just promises that we tend to ignore, just because the thought of having to end it depresses us. We don't write for those who want to read, we write for ourselves. That's the thing. We don't want to end it, like putting a full-stop on something that has been in our mind for so long.

We want it to keep on living.

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Image from Pinterest

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*Believe is inspired by Megfee's post

Little Things 189 : Wander

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I'm still processing. What changed the most during this 3 weeks? Is it my freedom or my responsibility? Is it my choices or my decisions? Is it my constant thoughts to let myself adapt with the idea of having a new title tatooed on my ring finger?

I'm still the one that constantly feels the urge to take a long train ride to the unknown, the one that still steals the smell of cold morning dew, the one that loves to capture warm sunset in purple and orange. I still take my long walk in bookstores and eat things that I let myself eat. I still read books and play Farm Story 2 religiously. 

I feel like me, but different.

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I don't write much often though, it seems to me like my thoughts are now synching in with my new status. I no longer think in one voice without thinking much of the consequences, I think in two voices. Sounding desperately to be the person that I used to be. So I'm lost in search of my voice in writing again.

Sometimes I write snippets of little things that come out of no where, I bring my little book and a bunch of pens everyday to keep myself ready. Sometimes I hide in toilet at the office to write about random thoughts so that I'll have my own silence to whisper me stuffs that I need to put down in written words. Toilets, of all the places. 

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So what changed the most?  

Is it everything, or nothing, all at once?

PS : On lighter note, it is a positive feeling ❤

Little Things 186 : Found

I looked back at my past and I only saw some visible faded scars. I am letting go. Maybe it comes with my full commitment in starting a new phase in life. Maybe I am unconsciously erasing all the painful memories of days that I left begin. Or maybe because I've learned to accept and I am adapting to the new idea of beautiful possibilities. 

For all I know, I stopped being in pain.

I knew I was in a lot of emotional pain for as long as I remember, and all I want is the pain to stop. I thought it was impossible, but I knew there must a way to heal. There are solutions for every problem. I met a lot of important people in my life and my big mistake was I always expect them to help me. I kept thinking : if only I can find one person that can heal me.

The thing is, I never did find anyone that can heal me.

I just finally found myself. 

Tiny Thoughts : Tiny Dot

If you feel insecure about people reading your blog,
might as well make it a private blog or 'by invitation only',
after all, you write to share with the world.

What's there to lose?

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I'm back healthy, woohoo! 

Little Things 174 : Light

1. Heliotropism is the motion of some plant parts like tree branches and leaves towards the sunlight. Even without eyes, plants can stretch themselves slowly to the source of light. Helios (sun) + tropein (to turn) = turn to sun.
I like that ❤

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2. Earthworms are generally blind. But somehow even without eyes, they can sense dark and light using a special receptor on its skin. No eyes, but still can detects the source of light. It knows where is up, where is down. This I learned from I, Origins. 

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3. Jellyfish and deep sea creatures like the monstrous-looking angler fish, can produce light also known as bioluminescence. For what use? To lure small animals and become its' prey. Curious smaller fishes see light produced in a deep dark sea when everything is pitch black. Pitch black, small light, that's where it heads to. 

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Somehow every living things is attracted to the source of light. Without we realize, we are attracted to things that lighten our lives. Metaphorically speaking. If we fall in love, we feel like the person radiates some sort of positive energies that might as well make us feel the notion of light - even if there's no visible light around them. Thus the saying : "you lighten up my life", it just makes perfect sense. 

Ditto spiritual enlightenment. 

It uses 'light' in the word as well. When a person comes to an understanding about his/her life, like some sort of awakening from a semi-conscious state of living. Everything becomes clearer and brighter. Yes ?

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Perhaps we are biologically created this way. 

Maybe we are not fully aware of how we tend to go towards the light.

It doesn't really make sense, but I like this idea. 

Little Things 172 : Obsession

Sometimes you don't sleep at night thinking about how the world is shaping slowly around you. You hear the rain talks in pitch dark night. You feel the wind dances early in the morning. You found your solitude, but you can't stop thinking about people around you. You worry about them.

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People talk about obsession, layered behind other people, politic, power, religion, money, and all things attachable. We want too much, we want things to matter. Human want things to have meaning, we question - if life has no meaning, then what all these are for? Why we are even here?

So we search for reasons, we search for goals, we search for meaning.
We scrutinized every single thing.
Obsession in disguise.

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If you can just let go. If you are ready to die in peace without being afraid of people forgetting you. If you manage to accept the thought of the world continues its journey without you leaving anything worth mentioning; your legacy, your achievements. Because you've done your story the best you could and whether it is meaningful or not is not in your outmost priority. You found peace within you and saying goodbye isn't something you are afraid of.

When the time comes,
you could see everything you leave behind and just smile.

That's the state I want to be in.

Movie : Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

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In this world no matter what happens, if you try to be good or be better at anything, there will be things that will pull you down. If you live passionately and you want people to see how better you can possibly be, and you want to share because you care enough to give the glimpse of what happiness can mean to someone else as it does to you, well don't. Don't share because you care for people, don't share because you want people to see what you see, don't share because you thought maybe things would be tiny bit better for any random people that cross your path. 

Because most people rather live in the blindness of their egoistical mind, maybe because we are human, and we feel special being human. We choose what we want to listen, we choose what we want to believe. We rather put an end, a full-stop, a conclusion, a summary to everything we choose to. 

I don't know why it's always I against you, you against me.

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Well, as a student of life, I will always open my mind towards things in this world that can teach me about the good and the bad. I'll read as many as I can, I'll research as much I need to, I'll use quotes, I'll copy-paste, I'll rewrite in my journal, I'll obsess about the data, the analysis, I'll observe and I'll experience, I'll do anything to learn things. I look upon other people, people will always teach you things, if you are humble enough to set your ego low, and listen with your calm heart. 

This is how I learn, because I definitely know nothing in life.  

Little Things 154 : Nothing

I found myself waking up to these :

1. People who know nothing and prefer to know nothing,

2. People who know nothing and prefer to act like they know something,

3. People who know something and prefer to act like they know nothing,

4. People who know something and prefer to show that they know something.

So I solemnly pledge to keep my sponge dry and ready to absorb water as much as needed, despite innocent humanly judgements because I know nothing. How can a sponge absorbs water if the hand that holds it is already squeezing it hard, not letting it go?

I might pity people who are blinded by what they thought they can see, but at the same time, they might pity me for something that they thought I couldn't see. Either way, we are playing the same game. What work for you might not work for me and what work for me might not work for you. So let us be.

As I said, I know nothing.

And I'm up to everything, except a final full-stop

Little Things 152 : On Being Too Judgemental

The amount of fear in our society is getting too obvious since everyone's commitment with social media consumed the internet. It's easy to turn blind-eyes towards these ridiculous dramas. And it's much easier to keep on arguing and putting up thoughts. 

There is a thin line between what is right and what is wrong. 

Sometimes things that are right can be wrong in different situation and vice versa. So who are we to put on an exact decision on those things? We are not the one who should judge. 

You do what you feel right.

And leave the rest to the One who ought to judge and decide. 

Little Things 149 : Whines

It is something about knowing what you want in life that makes it clearer to the eyes. It will somehow become a direct point A to point B, point B to E, and it goes on to a definite point at a time. 

I ask myself why people complained so much in life? 

GST, petrol, education, salary, chances, money, time, a list that can keep on going as far as any human can think of to complain about.  The answer is clear, you don't know the exact thing that you want. If you do, you probably don't really do anything about it except : complaining to yourself, or to the public. Whining like the world is going to listen to your thoughts - instead of doing something about it. 

Well guess what, 

words are only words, without action.

Remember that the world/karma/life doesn't owe you anything - at all. 

Little Things 148 : On death

A first sign of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die. - Franz Kafka

1. Franz Kafka is known as a depressed writer, he wrote things oddly beautifully and miserable. But I couldn't agree more with that specific quote that I read several months back, on the wish to die.
= If you start to understand the meaning of life, you'll greet death as your friend. 

2. Something that I also linked with Lucy - *the latest movie starring Scarlet Jo. In the scene when she finally used up all her brain's capacity and understands it all - despite cliche story line (Transcendence + Limitless) the philosophy behind the movie was so intriguing. It captured my heart.
= When you understand it all, you'll see that it is pointless to do anything that we thought was so important and huge in our lives. 

3. And I just finished reading Murakami's - Colourless Tsukuru Tazaki & his year of Pilgrimage, about Tsukuru that wished to die when his 4 close friends decided to stop being his friend entirely, without any explanation. He was depressed and suicidal, which were negative categories of wishing to die, so it is hard for me to relate to this. But, being simply said, it was about accepting death, accepting life. I think I need to reread this book, it seems like I'm missing a huge point here.

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Greeting death as something natural is fairly understandable for me. I reached a certain age where I accept things that I can't control and I am aware of all things in this world with its hidden meaning. I see life and God and creation and the world, as one entity, and I realized that although I am here, physically, I am also not really here at the same time. How can I be exist and not exist at the same time?

Sometimes it is disturbing to think about the day when my very essence in life will no longer be here, and what I leave are just floating memories and consequences of every possible things that I did when I was here. But dying is just as natural as breathing, and everyone dies eventually.

Different roads to the same destination.

Little Things 143 : Life

It's no longer about the evening sky and the sound of leaves rustle in the hot park on random Saturdays. It's no longer about the heavy rain in the afternoon or wrong innocent turns. It's no longer about beautiful excerpts winding up in perfect time-lapse of yesterdays.

I love emotions that make us, human.

Now I understand why I don't have to know everything in life.

Little Things 135 : Time's Up

Maybe the story isn't about the happy ending.

Maybe it is about the journey towards it, but without the happy ending.

The story that consists of you - putting up goals and dreams in your life, you - working relentlessly to achieve it despite the never-ending problems and challenges, you - trying to figure out ways and solutions for it, you - falling deep down into the world of failures and waking up again, defeated but stronger than before. 

But the minute it seems like it is reachable or you know it's tomorrow, "tomorrow is the day I'll reach my happy ending", then everything stops. Your life, your world, your story, they stop abruptly. Without warning, without any notice.

' Time's up. '

Little Thing 127 : Big

In explaining and reminding myself about why I should not be too overwhelmed by all the pain, torture and wars in this world :

That’s all a shadow is—and though you might be prejudiced against the dark, you ought to remember that that’s where stars live, and the moon and raccoons and owls and fireflies and mushrooms and cats and enchantments and a rather lot of good, necessary things. Thieving, too, and conspiracies, sneaking, secrets, and desire so strong you might faint dead away with the punch of it. But your light side isn’t a perfectly pretty picture, either, I promise you. You couldn’t dream without the dark. You couldn’t rest. You couldn’t even meet a lover on a balcony by moonlight. And what would the world be worth without that? You need your dark side, because without it, you’re half gone. — Catherynne M. Valente

We can question, we can have doubts, but we need to keep holding on to our faith. 

Or maybe this is what applicable to me for the time-being. 

Little Things 126 : Silencing the World

Shy rain and dusty hot wind. Everything looks grey and unhealthy. Another hot season and sleepless sweaty nights, I've aged more than I should in a short time. I can't wait for my time to be away from the city heat. 

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I almost finished reading H.Murakami's short stories compilation in Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman. In the mid-way through the book, I realized something that I've been missing. My written words. It has been so hard to write nowadays, and I've been wondering why it feels more like a task than a passion. And I figured that maybe I am clouded by unfiltered world of thoughts by the society. I knew social media can do so much harm than good to me.

I started with deactivating my Facebook and my Facebook page. Next thing I know, I logged out from Twitter and Instagram. Still considering whether to stop using Tumblr all-together or just try to avoid using it for awhile. Like all addiction, I keep on accidentally 'clicked' on the Ig icon but the login process takes too much of my subconscious mind so I cancelled right-away.

And I began writing again.