Me talk pretty one day

by David Sedaris
The book I borrowed from Uniten's library after I found out there's one corner with English novels. Seriously, tingkat 4, rak paling last kat belakang, after the language section. Haha. One afternoon, I was bored with my life, so I explored the deepest part of the scary library (usually it’s empty, except near finals...). I was actually searching for a French book, and at that time, there was a group of students sitting at the last desk. Jadi boleh la berani sikit. Hehe.

That’s when I found that section! Most of the books were classics, Stephen King, Dean Koontz, and all those brownish books that look like they’ve been through generations of sleepy students.

I took this book because I can’t afford to buy it. It's kind of expensive. But honestly... it’s deathly boring. Lol~ Mostly gibberish. I’m not even sure what he’s trying to say, maybe just random thoughts and experiences from his life?

Ok then.

Et aujourd’hui, je vais à la bibliothèque avec Dhi.

Desperately in need

I'm obsessed with improving myself. Did I ever write about that? I’ve known this for a while now. I noticed it when I looked back and found several of my own dictionaries books where I collected all the words I wasn’t familiar with, not just writing them down but also their meanings. I read a lot too. I make a list every year and count how many books I’ve read.

In high school, I used to write extra essays just so the teacher could read and give feedback. I love learning languages. I can speak Malay, English, a bit of Japanese, and some basic French. I would love to master Japanese, Arabic, Mandarin, and French. I don’t even know why. I just really love languages.

I’ve had my own savings account since I was born and I try to update it every few months, even just a bit. I draw a lot too because I want my talent to be something people would pay for.

So yeah, in conclusion, this is obviously not really normal. Ngahaha. What am I even talking about? I'm so freakin' bored. I want to write something deep and thoughtful, but I end up talking gibberish. No one’s going to get what I mean anyway.

I feel like my boyfriend isn’t really interested in listening to me anymore. Do I talk too much? Yeah... sometimes. I know that. And I really like annoying people. Ahaha. But that’s a part of me. It can’t be separated, you know?

How do I really make someone listen?

Like, do guys hate it when girls talk nonsense? I mean, I’m not nonsense all the time. Just sometimes. When I get all cheery and full of ideas and opinions. I just want to be heard. I love being listened to, not by a crowd, just one person. One person is enough. Is that too much to ask?

A blog is where I express feelings, right? So here's a confession: I accidentally told U (my ex) that I’m sorry I ignored him all these years. I also said sorry for acting like crap. And then I told him we could meet and just talk as friends. But at the same time, I was like, “What am I saying? I can’t meet him!” Yeah, I made a mistake. Yeah, I feel sorry. But I can’t really meet him as an old friend. It’s complicated. It’s not fun.

So now he probably thinks I’m double crap, ignoring his texts and pretending I forgot what I said. Great. Just great. Talk about evil.

I’m a selfish freak. And I know that. And I’m not going to change that. Because I am selfish. Screw it.

My head feels like it’s going to explode. I want to say some really bad words. My eyes are tired. But I want to keep going. I want a Polaroid camera. Does that even make sense? Maybe it does.

I’m desperate. I am. Right now I’m just desperate to be heard.

I'm back!

Aaaaaaaaargh. My PC shut down!!!!

I’d been writing a whole long blog post, and now I’m moody because I have to rewrite everything all over again. Aisyoooooooh.

Well… I’m back at UNITEN after my three-week semester break.
Read six books over the holidays, some chick-lits, two motivational books, and one memoir.
This semester’s subjects: French and Discrete Structure.

Okay. Enough said.

My dream

Last night, I dreamt the whole town turned into vampires. A lot of them.
They were monstrous, evil, with red eyes, and they ran so fast. Yes, they ran, not flew.
And they were so strong.

We were terrified because one by one, the whole town was turning into vampires.
We were the only humans left, so they tracked us down.
But we ran, my whole family, using a caravan.
How weird is that?

Using this old caravan, we stopped at a great wooden gate leading to another old city.
The guard let us in. He stayed in an old wooden guardhouse, hidden from the light.
And I saw those evil red eyes from the guard.
He was a vampire too!

We walked along the road, under the sun. All the houses were creepily quiet.
From the windows, we could see eyes, watching us hungrily.

And then I woke up!!!
It was creepy. I can remember the part where the guard watched us hungrily very clearly!!

Who am I kidding.

Latest book.

Okay. Don’t wanna talk about programming. I’ve been obsessing over it.

Ahaha... so, the latest book I’ve read is Massive by Julia Bell.
The cover of the book caught my attention, so I bought it for Azura, my younger sister.
It’s a simple book, I only took one day to finish reading it.

The story was a bit disturbing. It’s about someone with bulimia who’s obsessed with her weight,
because her mother is obsessed with their weight too.
Okay, the real problem was the mother. In the end, she almost died from dieting,
and was taken to a mental hospital.

I’d give it 1.5/5 stars because it’s too... simple. =p

Feel bad.

You know what makes me feel bad?
Low self-esteem.

When my two geniuses divide their jobs for the PHP programming work,
and I’m just decorating with simple HTML, CSS, and JavaScript.

I’m not taking things for granted.
I’m having a hard time trying to learn all this.
I AM!!

Every day, I do the exercises, I build my own database and stuff...
But I’m too slow compared to them.
And my heart is really aching because the tension is building up.
That feeling, trying too hard to work harder and harder...
The mix of shame and rendah diri... aii...

I’m trying.
I know I am...

Finale. finale.

Final exam is coming...
Assignments and project deadlines...

The project I’m having a hard time catching up with (considering it’s PHP and MySQL).
Islamic Malaysian Studies book to read... and all the related newspaper issues...
C Programming, with so many exercises to re-do...
Web Programming, with the BIG PHP and all those boring codes.

ITheory... ahah~! This one, I got 31/50 for my carry mark.
Consequence of fooling around before midterm. Padan muka.

No more kayaking. Finished the syllabus.
I’m bored of being exhausted.

My mind says I should do this and that...
But my body says I need rest.

People I met when I was in British Council

1. Shane, the Chinese guy. He’s local. Loves to snap photos, and talks with a serious expression—even when he’s joking.
2. Fauzi—he’s also local, from Sabah. Talked with me when our class was ending.
3. Ali from Lebanon. A tall Arab guy. Jokes around.
4. Twey from Myanmar. She owns a restaurant near Kota Raya. Got two children.
5. Farah from Indonesia. Her outfits are cool. Ahah. She loves adventure—rafting, hiking, speeding. Name it. Ayy.
6. Ammar from Yemen. He’s nice.
7. Stephanie—local Chinese girl. Annoying brat who thinks she’s so superior.
8. Karyn—also local Chinese girl, sits next to Stephanie. She’s nice. Works at Isetan, KLCC.
9. Kana from Japan. She’s kind of a more sophisticated Japanese woman… and she also smokes. Not very friendly though. 28 years old. Going to Australia to continue studying. Has been to lots of places, and done bungee jumping several times. Cool.
10. Asyraf, a guy from Yemen. Laughs loudly—takes attention a bit. But he’s nice, and jokes around a lot.
11. Abdul Aziz, 19 years old, also from Yemen. He’s nice. Talked with me, smiles a lot. Nice.
12. Alexandro, a guy from Italy. I love his accent when he talks, you know… funny. He has a girlfriend—Monica and I saw them holding hands outside the KLCC building just now. He’s nice. I think he’s the oldest in the class.
13. Ahmad, a local guy. Also nice. He said he’s 24. Talks to me a lot, and always smiles when we meet.
14. Jeon from Korea. 20 years old. Came to Malaysia five years ago to study English at an international school, and now studies Multimedia at LimKokWing. Got his diploma, and will be going to Australia for his degree. Cool. He always makes fun of everything and says “really?” in a funny way.
15. Monica from Indonesia. Sits next to me. She’s 20. Got a diploma in IT. Just came here about a month ago with her parents. Her dad works at the embassy. Went to a lot of places too. Cool. She's now studying in UM.
16. Li Li from China. Studying at HELP Institute. I dunno which course.
17. 
    

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So, that was my class. It was a fun class—the environment was good. Close to all kinds of information, and I got the chance to know a lot of people from other countries too.

At this moment, I’ve already met four teachers:

• Mrs. Heather, from Canada. Early 30s. Probably the nicest among all the teachers. Funny, a little like Teacher Sherry from SI.

• Mr. Ben, 28 years old, from Britain. He hates tea. Speaks with a British accent. Interesting. He told me “good luck” for my job interview.

• Mujahida, from the U.S. Converted to Islam 25 years ago. She’s nice. Quite old, very experienced.

• Terri, from New York. Looks African. Also Muslim. So tall and skinny. God, I love her accent. So good.

How to reach my dream?

My dream since I was small is to be a traveler, to take pictures of many great places and experiencing different cultures. To be on the Eiffel Tower, to see the big cathedrals in France, to visit Turki and Romania, the ancient city with beautiful gothic buildings, morning market in Indonesia, busy road of Japan, tall wall of China, wide greenery in New Zealand.

Not to be attached with the work in the office and meet clients and projects and due date.

Just to be a freelance photographer or a journalist. 

Learn new things, languages, cultures, foods, see friendly faces, make lots of frens..

But I feel like my whole future already been written off and tied up on my feet,.

After I finish my degree year, I'll have a debt about RM 40k, with no job or money to pay and I need to work for a lot of years to finish it off.. and at the same time, thinking about having a family and settle down. Then children on the way, more responsibilities.. until the day that I die..

I'm not sure if I want that.. not to enjoy go to places and reach my dreams.

I can't imagine, having to bury my dreams because of that.. call me selfish, call me ignorant..

Of course I want a good happy family and good income..

but not yet.. wait, I need to achieve my dreams first..

aaaaaaaahh.. what to do?

A month of rest from writing.

At last, after my semester break = at home, working with my mom.
I was busy and hardly got time to online,
aaaaaaahhh~!!